There’s no end to the way to the way people who write blogs, use The Facebook, Tumblr, and use The Twitter can judge themselves. Number of comments, number of blog hits, amount of “friends” on The Facebook, number of Tumblr followers, number of The Twitter followers. It never fucking ends.

Because, at the end of the day, Pranksters, we ALL know someone artificially better than ourselves.

The question, though, is DO WE GIVE A FUCK?

(let’s hear it for a resounding NO)

(see also: why let The Man keep us down?)

I was recently introduced to a new concept in Feel Bad About Yourself on the Internet:


Klout is supposed to be a measure of your Twitter influence and blah-blah-blah, squirt, squirt. I stopped listening when I saw the shiny numbers.

Here, Pranksters, let me give you a tutorial about what Klout says about me.


OOOOH! Snazzy!

There a big fat number next to my Twitter avatar and some other buttons, who-dillys and whatchamacallits right there! I’m just SURE this is going to be a GREAT representation of how I, Your Aunt Becky, behaves on The Internet. I am SURE I’m about to learn something!

So, what’s this about “topics?” Let’s see what topics I choose to impart my most important innermost thoughts and feelers about. After all, this is what I’m influential about!


You had me, Klout, until you told me I was influential about “tacos.” Because while I do routinely say, “I’d like to kick Martha Stewart in the taco,” I don’t think we have an understanding as to precisely what type of taco I’m referring to. Perhaps you’ll do better next time, Klout.

P.S. Why can’t I be influential about encased meats? #justsayin

klout-celeryIf there’s a single more useless vegetable in the planet than celery, I do know know what it is. Tacos, I can sorta understand, Klout, but CELERY? I hate celery with the fiery passions of a thousand burning suns, more vigorously than I hate John C. Mayer, and I’d be willing to bet that I’ve never, ever said anything about celery in my life.


In fact, Pranksters, this may be the longest I’ve spoken about celery in my life.

Celery = bullshit. Let’s move on.

Lastly, let’s see my Klout style. Certainly this will give some insight into the crap I spew out in 140 characters or less…right? The celery thing has to be some sort of fucked-up glitch on Klout’s end. It simply must be.






So you’re saying I’m a pundit about celery, Klout? A CELERY PUNDIT? I MAKE THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS ABOUT CELERY?




83 thoughts on “Yet Another Way The Internet Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself

  1. I don;t use klout. I have no klout. I don’t even like the movie Klute.

    Dude, you’re “influential” on six of the greatest things ever. Cheesburgers? Freals?

    Your blog is influence enough, plus what you rock over at band back together. Stay strong, sister. Keep fighting the man.

    peace out brussel spout

  2. Klout is just insanity as far as I am concerned. I see no rhyme or reason as to how the topics are even figured out. Why the hell can’t we figure out our own topics or suggest topics? Why does THE MAN have to tell us what we are influential in. Apparently I am influential in “festival”. What. The. Fuck.

    I wanna be influential on boobs.

  3. Because we all need to have more interwebz Klout, right? Fuck that noise. I’m doing good to keep up with Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, my blog, and cruising for random pictures of hot guys and bacon. I do have to throw work in there at some point!

    Celery IS bullshit, unless it’s stuffed with Velveeta or peanut butter.

  4. I just heard about klout from someone this morning. Apparently, I am influential about toilet paper and Colorado. II don’t know what it means, but it is giving me great joy. Toilet paper! That makes me cool, right?

  5. If this post were on all my social networks, I would Like, and Retweet, and do whatever the fuck else to shout it to the heavens. But, as I can barely keep up with the Latest and Greatest Next Big Social Networking THING, I’ll just say here, AGREE. So sick of everyone using stuff like this to measure their E-Peen.

  6. I have a Klout of 70 too. That and a quarter will get me … nothing. Not even a cup of coffee.

    But I will say, I’m very impressed that you are a celery pundit. I think you should embrace it. If they ever need a celery panel on CNN, you’ll be the first person they call. Imagine the fame!

    1. I really think we’re going to go places with this Celery Pundit thing. I see myself on Anderson Cooper discussing the latest and greatest news about celery: that useless vegetable.

  7. I like “Celery Pundit”, actually. Not its accuracy, but just the phrasing of it.”Aunt Becky, Celery Pundit, would like to say a few words. . .” so much more exciting that “blogger”.

  8. And apparently you influence Grover the muppet, going by the avatars. Maybe Grover is secretly a Celery Monster?
    My Klout score is 41 and I am influential about hotels.
    I stay in hotels twice a year for a total of 8 days all year.
    But apparently I am so freaking awesome at it I am influencing the hell out of everyone.

  9. Thanks for ruining my day. My pitiful Klout score has dropped. I guess I wasn’t chatty enough to impress this weekend, because…oh, I don’t know…I HAVE A LIFE. Well, actually I don’t, but I can pretend. If I tweet how I am covering my keyboard in cheese powder right now can I be influential about Chex Mix? Klout says I’m influential about beauty, wine, & books (yeah Baby) and hurricanes and hangovers? WTF?

    Oh, and celery makes me yak, but tacos are good (hey, get some Taco Bell advertising?)


  10. Last week Klout told me I was influential about money. So I tweeted about the possibility of a Money Klout Perk (as in, send me some money, yo!) and the next day, i was magically no longer a money influencer.

  11. Yeah, I’m influential about boats. BOATS.

    As in, “I’m on a boat”. What a dick move Klout. I don’t even have an effing boat.


  12. I had no clue about Klout until I applied for a writing job and they wanted my score as part of the application. Apparently anyone with a score under 50 need not apply.

  13. Hi!
    Not sure how to privately email you so I am just commenting. I follow your sites and dwink. Do you know that all your posts are also posting on Dwink?

    Just thought I’d mention it.

    Oh and I sent my babyfacts to band back together. Thanks for that. October 15th always makes me blue. Talking about it and sharing it helps. You Rock! Love you!

    1. UGH. really? Thank you so much for letting me know. Do you have the URL for it so I can shut it down? UGH.

      OOH. I should send out a reminder about that over here. Do you think I should do my wall, too? I think I should.

  14. Celery! I freaking love celery. Celery is my favorite food. ‘Why then, Jonah, are you such a fatass?’ you ask. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t have any Klout topics. I’ve been talking about unemployment, the economy, and not having medical insurance for a year and a half now. My Klout score is 25, and I don’t have any topics. WTF, Becks?? I would gladly trade my joblessness for your celery and 20 Klout points.

  15. Umm, yeah. I don’t do most of the internet social networking crap. I don’t blog for others, I blog for frickin’ ME. And so family has a way to hear about the kids without making 28 phone calls. I’m shutting down my facebook this week too. I shall be down to Twitter, Google + and Ravelry. The latter of which I still have to hack back into.

  16. I don’t blog so I suppose my Klout score is 0, which is fine by me since my clout score with the friends and family is 100.

  17. I love that you are most influtential about Bacon. (Yes Bacon with a capital B, the way God intended.) If I’m telling someone about you, the first thing I say is, that Aunt Becky, she sure knows her Bacon.

  18. Let’s see. I have no topics. I influence no one. I have no achievements. And I am an “Observer” – Hey! They got one right!! Klout can kiss my big ol’ white booty.

    Mmmmm…. Bacon….

  19. This might be crazy… (just might, I’m saying) but maybe Klout predicts the future.

    And maybe you’re about to realize that celery is your long lost love.

    Something to think about.

    Or not, depending on your beliefs in regard to Internet judging tools and time manipulation.

  20. When we were children, didn’t we all someday dream of having influence over pointless, flavorless veggies and shells full of meat? I do recall “Pundit” Barbie 😉 We can joke about the celery, but be proud of the Bacon!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have single handley influenced me to make big, awesome BLT’s and flip off Flout at the same time! :o)

  21. What a great post! I don’t really know much about klout! I have seen the +k posts on Twitter, but find it all annoying so I haven’t checked it out! Now, I don’t think I’m missing anything. Thank you.

  22. I simply stoped at Facebook. Like, I got a facebook account where I keep my real human friends (that I have had even before The Facebook) and I have an email account and a blog that I write simply for fun with no perticular intentions and I have a cell phone……that’s it. I have never tweeted, never google +ed and my life is very good. Sometimes you have to stop with the accounts and the internets opinion……’ll just mess with your brain.

  23. Yeah…klout is the equivalent to high school. Its a measure of how cool you are online. Guess thats why my scores so low…I was always part of the out crowd…wait…out crowd. Is that how you say it.

    Ah screw it….I was always the odd ball out. Can you tell?

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