Daily flash mobs would be mandatory. Preferably in front of my house. Why? Because who can be gloomy when THIS is happening?

Instead of being powered by gasoline or electricity or flux capacitors, cars will be run entirely on music by Prince.

When the recyclables gather in a large enough pile, they will simply band together like a Transformer and walk their way to the recycling plant.

Childbearing will make the female body MORE youthful and beautiful, rather than causing breasts to look like two oranges in tube socks.

Coffee will be the national beverage and mandatory for anyone over the age of seven.

Life on the Internet will no longer be measured in numbers (see also: Klout) but upon hilarity of cat videos.

Split pea soup will be banned because, well, obviously no one should eat something that appears to have been shot out of my baby’s pooper.

Babies will be born sleeping through the night, doing complex geometric equations, and ready to go to work to buy their parents diamonds.

Pants will remain entirely optional, even in polite company.

There will be no “polite company.”

People who use the words “organic,” “sustainable,” and/or “nosh” in the same paragraph will be banned to the ALOT Island along with anyone who substitutes ellipses for periods.

Moon Pies will ACTUALLY be made of bits of the moon.

Detergents that don’t include OxyClean will be banned. The legacy of Billy Motherfucking Mays must live!

Steve Irwin coined the “stupid people antagonizing wild animals” television shows. Which got him dead. Which means that no one should repeat the formula.

For the love of all that is holy, no more reality singing competitions. American Idol was the clear winner and it’s gone the way of the condor. Or whatever we’re calling Paula Abdul these days.


Dish, Pranksters. What else should we add? Because when I rule the Universe, you’re all co-rulers.

33 thoughts on “When I Rule The Universe Part Eleventy-Niner

  1. Tooth roots will need no canals
    everyone will be born with a social security number and a an automatic toilet cleaner
    Diet Coke will never go flat
    Allergies will be banned so that EVERYONE can enjoy Nutella and Reeses cups
    Child butts will be self cleaning

      1. Can we add “anyone that feels the need to tell me that my magical Diet coke is bad for me, is automatically kicked in their junk 3 times” ????

  2. You can’t be gloomy watching this, either . . .


    (I love the women who run away – “Run, Sheila! It’s a terrorist attack by people in gold lamee harem pants! Eeek!”)

    Oh, and I’ll use ellipses points instead of periods anytime I fucking want – you’re not the boss of me . . .


  3. Snow will only fall on Christmas Eve and will have melted (bringing temperatures back to 70) by NYE.

    Business casual clothing will consist of clean sweat pants and T-shirts, because, obviously 😉

  4. Toilets will clean themselves.

    Wine will flow from soda fountains.

    Ice cream will make you skinny.

    Boobs will be inflatable (pump up when someone is around to care, let out when you just want to be comfy).

    I can’t be with you on the pants issue though. Life would not be good if men went around with their “boys” flopping around all the time, and there are far too many peoples’ thighs I have no desire to see.

    I wanna dance in a flash mob. Do they make a “suburban white woman who has no rhythm unless she’s drunk” version?

  5. Oh Aunt Becky, when you rule the Universe can the men have the monthlies and can I be your coffee-fetcher?

  6. I can’t wait until you rule the Universe!

    No one will judge me for drinking my mimosa with vodka instead of champagne at 9 a.m. on a Sunday. Yes, I know that’s called a fucking Screwdriver, BUT I want to call it a fucking-hardcore-mimosa that early. Do you want a Screwdriver in you eye?

    No one will EVER have to wake up before 9 a.m. any day of the week, unless they REALLY want to.

    School loans will pay themselves back.

    Stress will be a non-issue. Insecurities will vanish. Because both are bullshit.

  7. Facebook will have a “You are a fucking idiot” button. Facebook will also have the ability for you to write on someone’s profile picture, like we did in our yearbooks when we were kids, and it will stick so everytime I’m forced to see that Fucking Idiot’s picture it will be covered with hash marks or knives or whatever nasty ass thing I think of them.

    Hmm, I’m having a kind of rough morning, can you tell?

  8. Can we please ban all stupidity? I will volunteer to be the “Grand Decider of Stoopid” I’ve yet to decide if it should be punishable by death or just public humiliation.

  9. Diet Coke Cans will always stay that perfect cold temperature where it is almost turning into a slushy.
    Stretch marks will not exist, at all, ever.
    7-11 will have “Merlot” flavored Slushies.
    Nutella will have no calories, at all.
    Anyone that is hurts a child or an animal will be utilized for fun scientific expierements such as “how long would a human last in space just wrapped in tin foil?”

  10. People, all people, will mind their own business and not butt into other people’s personal problems unless asked.

    Wine, beer and booze will, of course, be calorie-free, obviously.

    Finding a good partner won’t be so difficult; like you can choose the qualities you want him to have like you choose pizza toppings.

    There will be no bad pictures taken of people, ever.

    the weather will not be as bipolar as I am, going from rainy and 50* one day, to sunny and 80* the next!

  11. No cellulite. Or ass dimples.

    Bullying, of course, will not exist.

    Teleportation will be safe and affordable.

    All people will be able to support their families doing exactly what they love – even if that is spending all day on Pinterest.

  12. Writer’s block will be a thing of the past.

    Orange colored foods such as Cheetos, Cheez-Its, and Nacho Doritos will be at the top of the food pyramid.

    And you will SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH when I use ellipses. . .

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