When I was a kid, I always fantasized about having a big family. Maybe it was because I was the youngest by a factor of 10 years and I lived a lonely life at home, but the holidays always made me wish that my family was huge and robust, bursting at the seams with life and vitality. I’d have traded my toenails for the drama that goes along with that to have someone to sit with me at the kid table.

I sat alone there. Sad, right?

So, I always hoped I’d marry into a big, loud annoying family, but no. Dave’s family is small like mine. Or it’s not, but they’re not all unified because of The Dramaz, so whatever. I was kind of saddened by that. Especially because that means that I am stuck hosting holidays, something that I’m pretty much a failure at*.

But because we have this teeny-weeny family, we rarely have uninvited guests pop by on the holidays, which is full of The Awesome. Although it would probably make for more interesting anecdotes than “we sat around breathing and looking at each other a lot.” This year, however, because Things are going Wrong with me, my insomnia is raging which meant I was up on Black Friday morning to catch all of the fucking amazing cyber deals!

I inadvertently brought home a monster.


This does not compute. What is this ‘almond bark?’ and why are you making me stand near it? Don’t you know I’m made for more important things than this?

Arnold 2

I am designed to kick ass not make candy, you assholes.

Arnold 3

What the fuck is that smell? Why does your house smell like pee? Please send me away from here.

Arnold 4

Those are Narcissus Lilies and they cover up the smell of death quite well. Please leave my non-television wife alone before I disassemble you. DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER.

Arnold 5

You punish me by making me wear a bow and then you show me your GIRLY chocolate covered pretzels! Who the fuck uses pink and blue sprinkles? You make me sick.

Arnold 6

And that wrapping paper is something A GIRLY MAN would pick out. Why didn’t you find some skulls or barbed wire to wrap this in? You’re a couple of sissies.

Arnold 7

What are you DOING to your children by giving them such LAME GIRLY gifts? They need machine guns and barbells or they’re going to turn into sissies. I’m slipping some raw meat and eggs into their milk because they need to build muscle. To turn into MEN.

Wait, why are you packing me up to send me to him? HOPEFULLY he’ll be a manlier man than you, Aunt Becky. Thank GOD I’m being sent to him for winning that contest and naming your company***.

Oh, and I replaced all of your Diet Coke with gasoline. You didn’t even know the difference, you fool.


Merry Christmas, o! Internet, my Internet! Aunt Becky, The Daver, The Sausages and Mimi all love you more than is possibly healthy. Thanks for being there for all of us. And if you tell anyone we said nice things, we’ll punch you.


*Because I LOSE** at life.

**ALSO because I hate to cook.

***Copy on the Rocks.

40 thoughts on “The Holidays Always Bring Univited Guests. Like Robots From The Future.

  1. I have a contest going on at work. We affectionately call it the Dysfunctional Family Derby. Our best stories come from the holidays. Can’t wait to compare notes next week. And I feel for you with the kid’s table crap. Somehow I was always sick for holidays and had to sit alone in isolation. Like making me sit 4 feet away was protecting anyone from my plague germs.

  2. Merry Christmas to you and your family, Aunt Becky! Thanks for all the wonderful stories this year. May the New Year be a less challenging for you!

  3. Merry Christmas wishes to you AB (and all your seriously funny readers who write such awesome comments) all the way from Africa, where it has just turned Christmas (12:26 now in fact).

  4. Merry Christmas to YOU Aunt Becky, and of course your whole family.

    We don’t get uninvited guests for the holidays because, well, we don’t even get INVITED guests. It’s the joy of being 4,382 miles away from them.

    And? The kids table? Yeah, I still have to sit there. And it may or may not be because I cannot be trusted not to fling mashed potatoes at people.

  5. If I lived closer to you, and all that’s good and bright knows I want to, but not because you’re there. You are so a bonus though, right? I’d totally drop in. I’d eat your pretzels with their girly sprinkles, fart in your couch and wish you a MerryFrickin’Christmas.

    But since I’m not that awesome, I have to clean my house and wonder how many people might come by unexpectedly. It’s a good thing I can break out with warm sugar cookies in about 15 minutes.

  6. I just snuck out for a quick computer break while my hubby is in the other room quietly swearing while he tries to put together a “radio flyer rocking horse”. Then he has to tackle the Little Tikes playhouse, followed by the standing kick trainer that needs like 170 pounds of sand in the bottom… So we will be up all night, but man I will miss these days SO MUCH when the kids are grown.

    Who needs a house full of grown ups to distract you from your fast growing miracles, right???

    Merry Christmas – kisses to your babies!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. due to my short attention span, i’ll say, Merry Christmas! because I don’t remember one damn thing you wrote or maybe, the vodka doesn’t let me remember one damn thing you wrote.:)

  8. Nice to see the Terminator & Dexter stopped by for Christmas.
    If I could only sit at the kids table again! It’s the adults that’ll drive you nuts! Done with my side of the family (Thank God!). Today is the in-laws & I’d rather be with them than my own family. Sad, huh? Damn, & now my directv is going in & out because of the rain we’re getting for Christmas in Michigan!
    I would so drop by uninvited if I lived near you! (((HUGS)))

  9. P.S. At 37, I am short enough to still sit at the kid’s table….plastic red chair and all…..but I always get extra marshmellows in my chocolate just like all the other shorites at the table.

  10. Aunt Becky –
    After this Christmas you may have two more visitors next year. We come bearing gifts of Vodka and wine.
    I am not kidding.
    Niece Dorothy

  11. Sucky post, Aunt Becky.
    Why are you taking pictures of DVDs – or are they Blu Rays – when you CAN WRITE???
    Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and I hope you get your writing grove back.

  12. Too funny. I have always wanted to see a smack down between The Terminator and Dexter, now I can say that I have seen everything!

    Merry Christmas!

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