When I got this shirt, several things happened:

We had the “Storm of the Century” in Chicago.

I got nominated for a Bloggie*.

My sex appeal increased by 9 million.

Everyone I know* stopped wanting to hang out with me.

The last of which, I know, is only because they couldn’t bear to be in the company of such epic greatness without feeling sadly inferior. I mean, it’s a PURPLE UNICORN SHIRT. How can you not feel like you are somehow not good enough? Even I can’t tell where the shirt ends and the awesome begins!

So after I strapped on this beautiful purple unicorn shirt, I got an email from my friend Cecily asking if I wanted to talk to a psychic. I’m sure she sensed the shift in the Earth’s Gravitational Pull and knew I needed to hear what my destiny held. Of course I agreed. I’m a big fan of Miss Cleo and her infomercials.

I’d never talked to a psychic before so I was slightly nervous. What would this brilliant seer into my soul say?

Well, it turns out, Pranksters, this will BE MY YEAR. Without giving away too much (are psychic readings like birthday wishes?), I’m going to be a very busy girl. I’ll finally manage to sell my books. PUBLISHERS, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO CALL ME.

The psychic was eerily accurate about a bunch of details about my life and I don’t know if it’s the Epic Unicorn Shirt or what, but I’m feeling downright giddy about what the future holds and that’s not even because I drank five cups of coffee that I made with Redbull instead of water. Let’s get this book-selling-career-starting-unicorn-shirt-wearing-show-on-the-road!

Pranksters, we’ve got a world to take over and an internet to take back from Mark Zuckerberg and Jimmy Wales. I’m not going anywhere without you guys. And my purple unicorn shirt. Naturally.

P.S. Weather Channel, CALL ME. This is the worst map yet:

SnOMGAh, that’s better.

*You should, um, vote for me if you want, and, um, stuff. I’m up for Best Humor (I think they meant “funniest looking”) and Best Writing. And Band Back Together is up for Best Kept Secret.

**3 people

64 thoughts on “The Age of Aquarius

  1. You just became a parental warning sticker for my 6 yr old daughter. If she had seen this blog post with that shirt before me, she would demand my wife and I get it.

    You will not be the cool Aunt Becky to my little girl


  2. Love the T-shirt. Maybe I should invest into one as well. I need a booster to my sex appeal. Anyways… Stay warm, crack open a bottle of VSOP Cognac, and gas up the snow-blower for the next dusting of snow!


    Jason Y.
    Jason Y.@facebook

  3. Redbull instead of water make me snort chili up my nose, and not in an “I’m going through an experimental phase and will snort anything up my nose” sort of way but in an “I’m eating chili, I laughed too hard and now there are kidney beans in my sinus cavities” sort of way.

  4. I have no words for the shirt. I can only stare in amazement. And bow down to your greatness. Great now I have a Kanye song stuck in my head. But it’s OK it’s all worth it for that shirt.
    And your map skills are just AWESOME!!
    And I gotta tell you I fear after watching Social Network my daughter has Zukerberg Tendencies I need someone to hold me while I rock. Damn Genius IQ’s I must stop her before she takes over the world in an assholish way. But if she makes mommy billions is it so bad??? I’m torn.
    And honestly my mind is just blown by the shirt!

  5. Is this where I admit that I *like* unicorns? That shirt kicks ass. I think you should use it’s powers for good and get rid of that Wintry weather.

  6. I recently google-image searched ‘pretty purple unicorns’. And I was NOT disappointed.

    Now, I need to re-do it, because I think your shirt-of-awesome, might come up…

  7. The awesomeness of that shirt broke my reader. It made me come right to your post to experience the full awesomeness. Also, I was trying to figure out why you put a curling stone on your map, but now I don’t care if it’s a hoagie or a hotdog, I’m craving a chili dog. And I love how all weather ends at Canada.

  8. Your shirt is as epic as the snow storm you are facing and the faded memory I have of a dude named Glenn in my 7th grade social studies class who chewed on a stale wad of Bubblicious and an old pencil eraser while doodling deformed penises and boobs on his blue, muslin binder. Awesomeness. And congrats on your Webbloggie nom. Much deserved!

  9. I totally voted for you…(wiping a proud tear away) and then I saw your shirt. I don’t really know how you could make that any better. Unless it was cut in to fringes and little beads put on the end of each strip.

  10. Your maps are vastly superior… And the Chinese got it wrong… It’s not the year of the rabbit… It’s the Year of Aunt Becky.

  11. Your maps are vastly superior… And the Chinese got it wrong… It’s not the year of the rabbit… It’s the Year of Aunt Becky.

  12. I voted for you yesterday….we just get to vote once, right? But WTF–i can’t see the shirt..!!! on my screen the pix is a (lovely) head shot, from the shoulders….??? why oh why does it do this to me? I NEED to see it. Your maps are way more informative than the weather channel’s….i think you’d give them some serious competition! And a very happy (late) birthday wish to the little princess of the bells.

  13. That shirt makes you look horny and “It’s starting to look like a double rainbow all the way across your BEWBS!”

    On a serious note, I’ve been to a psychic once before and it’s crazy how RIGHT one* can be. I hope this is your year AND mine! I have some goals as well. Good luck, Aunt Becky! I’d buy one of your books in a heartbeat!

    *a real one

  14. Dam, I don’t look have as good in mine as you do! You win, so I guess I will go vote for you!
    OK so tell me a little bit about your redbull coffee? I’m thinking I could use some of that!


  15. By the way, I’m extremely jealous (and apparently mentally challenged) because I can’t figure out how to get my photo to show up beside my posts… Help.

  16. Did the psychic who was “eerily accurate about a bunch of details” of your life read your blog before she talked to you? And does that question just mean I’m a cynical shit? Don’t answer that.

  17. I already voted for you. and you didn’t even need to ask. hacha!

    I am a little surprised that you’re so cavalier with that kind of serious magic. it’s not to be taken lightly. respect the purple unicorn.

  18. i don’t even know what to say about that shirt and all it’s awesomeness.

    also, i’m pretty sure the next map you post needs a celestial soul.

  19. Two things…
    1. Your map skills make my eyes soooo happy. Now it’s way much better than that lame thing you had to start with.
    2. The awesomeness of the purple tee could be just that much more stunning with some glitter, get some meant for fabric at the craft store and just go crazy wit it!
    3. I voted for you on both things and used my Dad’s email too…yay, go Dad!

  20. I planned to buy my that shirt for my husband for Christmas, but I was too cheap.

    You are totally hot in it, and I feel like that twinkle is coming AT me through the screen! So realistic!

  21. while i’m not A psychic, i am psychic. it’s no joke. i mostly read tarot cards and generally rock at it.

    now that you’ve all stopped laughing.

    aunt motherfucking becky, your maps are epic. you should design maps for like invitations. can you imagine how much more full of the awesome one of those stupid little maps in a wedding inviation would be if you aunt motherfucking becky’d it up??

  22. why do you own a purple unicorn shirt? I want to like you but I don’t know if I’m girly enough? If you were wearing a purple bat man shirt well then that would be different, no questions asked I’d like you. I will reevaluate how I choose the blogs I like because maybe i’m being superficial-since well you do make me laugh and that ought to count for something right? Oh and as usuall awesome map!

  23. I was just reminded about a reading I had the other day. My friends and I went to see a psychic several years ago, it was the first time I had been. My husband and I had just started our adoption process where the intent was to adopt a boy. The psychic told me that she saw me being a Girl Scout leader for my daughter, in a few years. This was 2 years before Mea, a year before she was even born. Mack was well beyond Girl Scout age at that point.

    Pretty crazy stuff.

    I love your unicorn shirt, Mea would be soooo jealous.

  24. The shirt? Is epic. But my saying that is unnecessary because the epicness is just SO obvious. I’ve almost done it a disservice by stating the obvious. I will go cry now.

    Also? I couldn’t quite figure out of Illinois was under attach by hot dog or Russian submarine…I’m glad it turned out to be a hot dog. Russian subs aren’t nearly as tasty and a bit hard on the teeth, in my experience.

  25. Dude … I don’t use dude often but it just seems to be necessary right now … I have never in my 37 yrs young ever fucking experienced such a thing. I am an Okie … we don’t do white fluffy cold shit … we do brown wet dirty (hee hee) shit … we ride our 4 wheelers through mud & get dirty. This blizzard of MY fucking lifetime is starting to really ruin my day. Oh well fuck it I guess I can drink a beer … it will definetly be cold. But I have learned on thing by this amazing kick in the head mother nature has given me … people in Oklahoma know what the fucking necessaties are … go to walmart & you will find they are out of milk, eggs, bread, meat & BEER!!!! Yep gotta love us backward ass Okie fucks! Oh I don’t get me wrong … I love being a backward ass Okie …. and trust me I got my 2 jugs of milk, 4 dozen eggs, 3 loafs of bread, meat & HELL YES beer (3 cases to be exact – can’t run out)

  26. Oh & did I mention …. what the hell is so wonderfundal about a fucking winter wonderland? Yes I am a bit bitter about snow … gross.

  27. I think they will most def publish you if you promise to wear that epic shirt or maybe the 3 wolves shirt to every meeting and book signing! Oh and the picture of you on the back must be an epic soul portrait!! Your books will fly off the shelves!

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