Despite the fact that Twix had sent me 70 (70!) candy bars to “make my house the coolest on the block” (which, I have to add, is much cooler than the 3 Wolf Moon decals on my windows)(lie), I decided at 2PM – a mere hour before my children descended upon me – that we must! get! more! candy!

I’m going to blame the ten pounds of candy I went out to buy on my fever – not from more cowbell – but from my mysterious Oregon Trail disease.

(also: anyone want to come over and eat ten pounds of candy?)

By the time we got home, sweaty, feverish and hallucinating, it was nearly time for the crotch parasites to descend upon us in a whirling Halloween snowball of excitement. I realized it was probably in my own best interest to pull out the costumes and get them ready for the kids to whirl into.

So I trundled around the house, sweating on everything as I looked for Alex’s Halloween costume. He decided that he was going to recycle last year’s costume, because obviously.

See also:

The world’s manliest butterfly. Or Flutterbye. Whatever.

I found everything but the shirt, which is a fucking Halloween miracle.

That done, I figured it was time to get the costumes we HAD bought for the other two out of the bag and ready to be thrown on. I grabbed the costumes, as I reached for my camera and noticed that something smelled….funny. Like dank, dark, basement mildewy gross.

I assumed it was probably my Mysterious Oregon Trail Disease and continued trying to figure out how to turn on my DS-LR.

But…what WAS that smell?

After I’d managed to take the lens cap off – a good hour later – I grabbed the costumes from the bags and realized, much to my horror, that there was PEE on on them. CAT PEE.

In an unrelated note: anyone want four cats? They’re VERY well behaved.

Both the small one and the big one had cat whiz on their costumes. Shitballs.

Frantically, we threw them under the sink, trying to get the SMELL out of the costumes before the kids got home and freaked the fuck out. Which, I couldn’t blame them for. I mean, EW.

T-Minus five minutes found us trying to dry off the costumes with a hair dryer, making my kitchen smell delightfully like a tantalizing mixture of frying cat pee and burning plastic. Thankfully, the kids didn’t notice.

The small one – who picked out her OWN costume, thankyouverymuch – this year:

Rocket Grrrrrrl.

And while some parents may want their kids to grow up to become doctors, lawyers, or business executives, I couldn’t be prouder that my son chose one thing – the ONE thing – I’d always wanted him to be.

Like mother:

Like son:

*happy sigh*

If you came to my door last night, you saw this:

And probably died a little inside. I know I did.

I wore a blue shirt and pretended to be The Twitter Fail Whale.

However, I failed. I failed at failing.

My life is at an all time high.

47 thoughts on “THAT Was Halloween

  1. I should have come to your house to trick or treat. Seriously. Because I love twix. And I could take care of the cat problem really easily if you just turn your head for half a minute. Because I am known as the Neighborhood Cat Killer, a moniker I earned unintentionally but which still suits.

  2. Oh my goodness. That sounds like one hell of a night. It also reminds me why I don’t need anymore cats. My old cats used to do this like that too. Then we got rid of them when we bought a house. No more cat piss. Now we have an 85 lb lap dog that likes to take dumps in my daughter’s room. Cheers!

  3. HOLY CRAP!!! There was some sort of Twix shortage at the grocery store which I attributed to everyone buying them to hand out (and was so psyched)…then the kids came home with 4 between the two of them. I will trade your adorable peeps Snickers? Milky Way? Actual Peeps? for some Twix love!

  4. I love Twix. They are especially nice frozen. We had Halloween cancelled. Had to sit around and eat our own sad candy alone in the dark. Fucking Mother Nature.

  5. We had one trick-or-treater. ONE! It was my son.

    I’ll see your ten pounds of candy and raise you a few – how many depends on how soon we trade…I keep eating it…

    I adore Twix. Gargle…drool…

    The Evil Genius decided he had to be Anakin Skywalker for the night. I wanted him to be one of the 99% because then I wouldn’t have to buy a costume but could just dress him in jeans and flannel and make a pithy cardboard sign.

    Next year, we’re coming to your neighborhood.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  6. Where The Fuck! did you find that Boba Fett costume??? Awesome! I had to make my son’s Boba Fett costume myself, and let me just say that Boba Fett Green is not a popular color at my local craft store.

  7. Awesome, awesome costumes! If I didn’t live 14 hours away from you, I would totally come eat pounds of candy and watch you suffer from Oregon Trail Disease.

    Damn cats. Currently, my husband’s winter coveralls are outside because my male cat thought peeing on them would be a good idea. I’m procrastinating washing them because I’m sure all the neighbor cats are peeing on it as well. Pretty sure they’re going to be crispy.

  8. What an adorable butterfly! (bougaflee is how I used to say it). And I think you can safely say that your daughter is gonna make a wonderful astronaut!!!!!!

  9. Another awesome post. My Halloween doesn’t compare. Living in the “country” we don’t get a line of goblins at our door … just opossums, raccoons and stray neighbor dogs. We’ve lived in our house for eleven Halloween’s and have had only one trick-or-treater show up on our doorstep. It was a neighbor kid that never came back again. F her … more Snickers for me.

    My mother once gave me some great advice when I complained to her about my cat. She said to me, in her most serious of motherly tones, “Leave the door open”. She’s very wise.

  10. I am a lurker, never a commenter. But I wanted to cry in relief because there is someone else out there with four cats. Who pee everywhere. I have learned to detect the smell of cat pee within a one mile radius. It is not a talent I wished to cultivate.

    Cheers to you!

  11. Do you keep an enzymatic cleaner around for these kitty incidents? Nature’s Miracle is my favorite. It breaks down all the nasties, so the pets don’t go after the same areas again, and it dries fast. I use it for diaper blow outs and avocado smears with great success, too.

  12. Ok, we got the rocket costume for my son, who is ob.sesssssed with rocketships. And wouldntchaknow, he would NOT let us put it on him. my husband and I spent Halloween alternating putting the thing on, trying to convince him how awesome it was.

  13. Just realized now he is a big humungous TWIX BAR!!!!! An I thought the other costumes were rad. That, plus a whole bag of ’em? Rock.

    PS. I only got a couple of The Twix and shall resort to stealing them soon. I like ’em straight outta da freezer. Twixes are best eaten that way. Lemmeknow what you think.

  14. Twix is my favorite. I like to put them in the fridge so they get nice and cold and then they almost crack my teeth with the solidly cold cookie center.

    Also, stupid cats.

  15. I had a cat that all of a sudden went bat-shit crazy and peed on everything including on an ancient shag rug in my son’s play room. So much that it would almost burn your nose when breathing (which is kind of necessary for life) I used OdorMute and it all came out (urine and smell!!) when all other products failed. (which are ungodly expensive to add more suck to the situation). I bought mine off of Amazon in a 5 lb box. I didn’t know that very little goes a long way and now I use it on the litter box cleaning and my husband’s disgusting work out clothes. Just a thought.

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