If I were a smart person, I would not have used my real name on the internet.

If I were a smart person, I would not solve problems by shrugging my shoulders and saying, “eh, I’ll figure something out,” then eating an Uncrustables.

If I were a smart person, I would have a greater five year plan than, “don’t die.”

If I were a smart person, I would actually sell the things I find in my closet, rather than donating them to charity.

Smart has the plans. Stupid has the stories.

Since I’ve been undergoing the great Purge Fest of 2010, I’ve been shocked by the amount of shit that I’ve managed to collect. I don’t like excess crap because it makes me unhappy, sort of how I feel when I’m chased by a flock of geese or if I have someone gleefully point out that I have misused a word somewhere in my blog (a-ha! She has made an ERROR! Let us POINT IT OUT TO HER!).

I’m in the process of moving my computer area upstairs so that I may watch my singing warthog videos in peace and possibly find a way to start a “career” or something (ed note: WHATEVER). Moreover, I want a space that is my own since my crotch parasites have taken over everything else.

Even though I cleaned out my closet a couple of months ago, I decided that it was high time to do it again. Especially since I finally went and bought new beside tables, lamps AND A DESK. I’ve never actually owned a desk before. Now I can properly watch my dancing dog videos on this:

You’re overwhelmed by awesomeness, I know.

Anyway, my tastes are delightful, I can tell that’s what you’re thinking. You’re not thinking, “who gave that girl a credit card because she has tastes like an overgrown monkey?” because THAT would be a cold prickly, NOT a warm fuzzy, Pranksters.

My closet, well, it needed some removal of crap. Mostly clothes that no longer fit. I’m now within 4 pounds of what I was when I got pregnant with Amelia, which means that I’m within 15 of what I was when I got pregnant with Alex, and that? FULL OF THE WIN.

That means, though, that I had a lot of clothes that needed removal. I’d thought about keeping them for when I have my Love Child, but I realize that by that time, I’ll want new clothes anyway.

I was hoping that I’d find my missing whore pants, now MIA since July, when I went through my closet, but no such luck. Those whore pants are gone baby, gone.

Whenever I do a gigantic purge, there’s a tiny part of me that wishes that I wasn’t afraid of eBay. I might make a couple of bucks selling my old crap if I wasn’t such a pussbag. Charity, I remind myself, is good.

My closet seems to reward this.

The last time that I did a purge I found, I shit you not, a small bag of diamonds. They were, of course, my own diamonds, but still, diamonds. I also found a pair of patent leather Mary Janes that I’d forgotten that I’d bought.


(I don’t know what one does with a bag of diamonds besides say, “I have a bag of diamonds,” but you know)

This time, however, as I approached my closet ready to do battle, I was expecting a bag of poo. Certainly, lightening doesn’t strike twice and frankly, with the week I’ve been having, poo would probably be more than I deserved.

Instead, I found more diamonds. A pair of earrings. Certainly more useful than a bag of loose diamonds.

Then, I found this:

A coupon for a free pair of new Whore Pants.


Guess I have a Closet Fairy.

Wonder if I can ask it for a smaller ass.

89 thoughts on “Smart Has The Plans, Stupid Has The Magic Closet

  1. Yes I should be working instead of reading about your closet – yes I should be billing my time instead of laughing over whore pants – but seriously that is just great and this is why I keep coming back to your blog and quietly (until now that is) stalking! Contrats on the closet fairy – if by chance they can do the magic on those last 15 pnds send them my way please…

  2. No expiration date on the coupon? Wow.

    I only ask because I work for Gap, Inc. (at Banana Republic), and I know that most sales/coupons/deals don’t hang around for long.

    Enjoy your new jeans!

  3. I’m jealous of your closet fairy. The only thing I find cleaning out my closet is dust…balls of dust as big as my head.
    If you’re afraid of eBay try craigslist. People are always looking for stuff there. But charity is good…and tax deductible

  4. I’m jealous of your closet fairy. The only thing I find cleaning out my closet is dust…balls of dust as big as my head.
    If you’re afraid of eBay try craigslist. People are always looking for stuff there. But charity is good…and tax deductible

  5. I was going through some bags of clothes I plan on giving to the Goodwill. I have now moved this mountain sized mass from room to room, slowing getting closer to the door. Today is the day, I am going to bring this shit to the bin….well….maybe I’ll try on that Banana Republic waxd cotton pea coat that is perfect to wear to NYC in a rain storm, although I have been in that exact situation and have never reached for it. Anyhoo..I digress…I try it on again, as I have the past four years and decide to keep it, again. I put my hand in the pocket and find an anthroplogie receipt for over $500 dollars. That was a work related receipt that I can get reimbursed for…I JUST FOUND OVER $500 dollars in my freakin coat!!!

    So, no diamonds or tiaras but just another reason not to throw anything out.

  6. I think it is a great comeback in an argument when you are losing. “Oh yeah, well, *I* have a bag of diamonds” because it is really challenging for most people to beat that. What does beat a bag of diamonds after all?

    I’m too lazy to ebay. having to take photos of the stuff, then describe in minutest detail every tiny tiny flaw in the stuff (cuz otherwise the buyer will go batshit crazy you failed to mention the eighth inch seam unraveling & there will be the ebay equivalent of a flame war when they tell everyone what a lying cheating deceitful whore you are & then you go after her for being so fucking uptight about a seam, etc) and then don’t even get me started on getting the damn package in the mail!

    so yeah, if I were smart I’d ebay, but sometimes I think I am being smart by not selling stuff there

  7. I just love whore pants! I have a pair too. They make me look 15 years younger and oh so cool. Problem is when I sit down you can see the majority of my ass. It doesn’t just display my “whale tail” It also comes very close to the “blow hole” But when I’m standing…I rock those babies!

    1. Hmm, hopefully that wasn’t you that we took the picture of in the bar not too long ago, cause we LAUGHED OUR ASSES OFF. A whale tail would have been funny enough. Except she had neglected the garment necessary for said whale tale…. We also immortalized the chubby chick wearing the bandanna halter top with the booty shorts.

      I’m a vicious bitch.

  8. I am so liking that desk! And way jealous of the finds in your closet. All I ever find is cat hair…… and more cat hair….. Which is not near as desirable as even a bag of loose diamonds…. but is way better than cat puke….
    Is there a sign-up list for the closet fairy? I am ALL for losing 15 pounds! Hell yeah!

  9. I’m not smart either. I donate stuff rather than sell it. Or I hang on to the stuff for way, waaaay, waaaaayyyy too long. My basement is kinda scary. But since I had to clear stuff to make room for our furnace to be replaced, I, too, should PURGE (I just jauntily rearranged things, rather than clean).

    Also, hooray for free whore pants!

    1. I hate holding onto crap and The Daver can’t remove stuff to save his life. No, literally, gun to his head, he’d be all, “I don’t KNOW if I need this.” His mother is a hoarder, so it makes sense.

  10. I wanna hang out in YOUR closet. The only shit I find in mine are pants that the dryer shrunk and shirts that looked good on me eight years ago or when I’m really drunk.

    And BTW, I’m with you on the stupid part. I set up my blog with my own name/pictures etc. And now all three of my fans know all of my personal secrets. 😉

  11. I want a closet fairy! of course, now that I say that, I realize that just sounds like a fabulous man with better hair than me who has yet to come out. and I want one of those too. I am sadly lacking in the flaming man department. which is a shame on multiple levels.

    where was I?

    oh yeah. what is wrong with overgrown monkeys, huh? nothing. that’s right. nothing.

  12. I have a better idea, Aunt Becky, have a YARD SALE with all that crap!!! Then your neighbors can laugh (with you, of course) at all the egregious fashion errors you have made over the years. You can ask them if they have your whore pants, my guess is they stole them off your clothesline. And if that closet fairy comes thru for you, we are all gonna beat you for his contact info.

  13. The bag of loose diamonds should be made into something…you don’t let diamonds collect dust in a bag in your closet, silly!

    I can buy things on ebay, but there is something scary about selling stuff on there. I just can’t do it. I have many rubbermaid totes full of Mea Mea clothes that need a new home, many are practically brand new. Maybe I should pick some of the cutest things out and send them to Mimi the Great…

  14. Aww I want a closet fairy. My closet just drops sweaters and stuff on my head. I too am afraid of E-bay it’s just so much work, and I’m just so lazy.

  15. Since we decided that we’re done having kids, and since I had saved every piece of clothing our daughter (who’s almost 4) had ever worn, I know where you’re coming from on the sell vs. give away conundrum. I painstakingly put the clothes into bins ordered by size, then took them to a kids’ consignment store. The store bought almost none of the clothes!

    Next I put an ad on Craigslist advertising little girl clothes for $25 per bin. I got one taker. So last weekend I hauled the rest of the wardrobe to Goodwill. All of that to say, I think just giving away your clothes in the first place was a wise move!

  16. Great about the jeans but, really? Your nails look awesome. How do you get them so strong and long without stabbing a kid in the eye?

  17. A bag full of diamonds- well you have to do something with that because some ten year old kid in Sierra Leone watched his parents get hacked to death with a rusty machete. Why did they die, so that the evil DeBeers empire could continue to run the world.

    or something like that.

    I am just happy that I don’t have a closet fairy because I am scared of the dark and if I heard that sucker thumping around I’d wack it to death with my baseball bat.

  18. Now I want to go clean out my closet just to see if I can find something completely awesome and unexpected. Except I know I won’t.

  19. “I don’t know what one does with a bag of diamonds.” You bling. shit. out. with a bag of diamonds. I’m surprised you haven’t done that yet. Unless your body has been taken over by space aliens.

  20. “Smart has the plans. Stupid has the stories.”

    That should be on your next T-Shirt. May I quote you? I will give you credit.

  21. Oh, Aunt Becky, I just want to thank you…I will admit I haven’t read the blogs I follow regularly in about a month. So today, I’m having a really shitty day, and I read this post…I laughed until tears came to my eyes. Thank you. You are “teh shit”. ha ha.

  22. My closet needs an absolute overhaul. I HATE clutter, but have a knack for hanging onto clothes…just in case I am that size again or just in case they come back into fashion. Who am I kidding..I am not fashionable. I am going to just Toss it all out. Thanks for the push. E-bay….hell no, not for me, too tedious!

  23. I cleaned out my closets (the 2 in my bedroom – each half size… don’t ask) yesterday too. But there were no diamonds, free whore pants, or fairies in mine. I feel gypped.

  24. LMAO as usual… if you keep making me laugh my ass off I might laugh off enough ass to fit back into my “whore pants”! The angry little dwarfs that live with me gave me an extra 15 pound that I can’t seem to get rid of.
    When we moved from AZ to FL (in a car, trapped!)we had to give up almost everything material, so I donated about 30 trash bags full of clothing. What we didn’t sell we just left behind and honestly I really don’t miss anything… except having a bed to sleep in (futons are not for people over the age of 20).
    Congrats on the treasure hunt B. and PLEASE don’t ever become a smart person, we need your stories and your stupid AWESOMENESS! Did you ever think of auctioning some of your stuff for charity through your blog? Who wouldn’t want an autographed “Aunt Becky” handbag?

    1. Bwahaha! That’s not a bad idea. I wish I had anything that anyone would WANT. If I did, I’d happily do that. Let me see if I can find anything worthwhile in my closet. The only decent things are the crap that can’t even be shipped.

      1. WOW B. Now you have my imagination going wild! What the Hellz can’t be shipped? Are you talking sex toys, narcotics… is the stuff hot B.? Wait… guns and ammo? Do you have a closet or an arsenal… automatic weapons B.? Hook me up! LOL!

  25. Forwarding this to my wife. If she finds a bag of diamonds, it truly is the work of some kind of wardrobe sprite, because I’ve never bought any for her, and I don’t think she has bought any for herself. If I planted some shiny stuff in there, though, she might do something about the 200 pairs of shoes and every jacket she has ever owned since junior high.

  26. Have you seen Date Night? I love it! I’m asking because of all the comments, “Shut your hole, whore,” “Shut your vagina,” etc etc. Made me think of you. 🙂

  27. Things I would like to find in my closet:
    – A robot. One that would do all my work but not be human to avoid that awkward slavery-esque issue. The inevitable overthrow will be worth the freedom from white guilt.
    – Jessica Rabbit. Just ’cause.
    – A machine that cleans my closet

    Things I’m likely to find in my closet:
    – Checks I forgot to cash that are 91 days old.
    – A PB&J sandwich from an old lunch that got thrown in the back in my favorite lunch bag.
    – Bugs. Probably ones with tons of antenna and gooey trails.

  28. I have a missing Whore Tank Top. It was this glorious black number that sucked in all the awful rolls. It too is MIA. That biotch.

    P.S. I’m working on your sparkley Becky necklace so maybe NEXT time you can find THAT in your closet. WOOHOO

  29. diamonds? DIAMONDS!? You could somehow attach them to your free pair of whore pants (not quite sure what a whore pant is) and well, you’d be totally original.
    I fear my closets … stuff in there from way too long ago, but one just never knows … right.

  30. Are you aware that while you have stated you purchased the desk to “watch my dancing dog videos” on, the photograph shown proclaims that it is for watching “dancing cat videos”?
    I believe you may have to return the desk, and replace it with one specifically designated for watching dancing dog videos, lest you computer be absolutely ruined if you do not.

  31. Don’t throw out your old food stained maternity goods.

    I am cruising towards an unidentified child and would like to feel my very best in dated hand me downs.

  32. Yeah so send that closet fairy to my house please. I’ve lost a shit ton of weight but haven’t gotten rid of my fat clothes. I seem to ahve some sort of emotional attachment to them. I think it’s more that if I get rid of them then I have to admit that I have absolutely nothing left in my closet aside from shoes. Hmmm Ebay might be a good thing.

  33. What are whore pants?

    Also, were you *really* chased by geese? REALLY? I’ve never been chased. Never ever. Even though we had geese when I was a kid. (although, they chased my uncle once. I was 3 and the geese were taller than I was, he ran away, they chased him and I growled at him ‘No uncle peter, you SHOO them, like this SHOO SHOO.’ They didn’t chase me. Maybe because I had their feed bucket)

    Hmm. Slight digression. Sorry.

  34. I am the closet cleaner for both of my sisters and yet I tend to keep things for ever. Ridiculous things like a fully sequined gold tinselly skirt. I’m waiting for a princess to ask me to tea before I toss it. I’ve gotten rid of tons of great stuff at consignment shops though, walk in with clean clothes on hangers, they take it and do the work for you. Then I go in a month or 2 later and shop with my cash 🙂 Sadly they don’t sell maternity and I’m on a skinny girl clothing ban until post baby time 🙁 I’d send you a box to pack with preggo clothes for me, but I’m pretty sure my freakishly long torso disqualifies me from fitting into your stuff!

  35. I am like you and I donate everything. I feel nice by donating. However, I too wish I could sell my stuff or put it on ebay, but I think it all boils down to my laziness. It is SO much easier to throw it all into a giant bag than to take a pic and write something and put it online to make, like, a whole two dollars.

    Although, we might have more moolah if I wasn’t so lazy.

  36. I am SO jealous of your closet fairy, your ability to throw useless shit out, your losing 15 pounds, and your bag o’ fucking diamonds!!!! Can I be Aunt Becky?? I don’t have time to pick up the macaroni on my kitchen floor, much less clean out a closet. I don’t have time to read this blog (I’m so behind in work!), but don’t take away my Aunt Becky, or I’ll have to cut a bitch! Anyways, I was thinking about what was in my closet, and I wish I had some whore pants… ok, actually I do but I need to lose at least 5-7 pounds before they will look good, ok I mean fit at all. I keep hoping. Someday I will have time to exercise and wear those bad boys. Anywho, back to closet. All my clothes are either way too big from my post-partum flabby days or teensy tiny from my pre-pregnancy days. I thankfully gave away all my maternity crap because I want no more crotch parasites, thankyouverymuch. So I’m really in need of some clothes that fit this particular body. If you can help with THAT, I’d come clean your toilets, or somethin. 🙂

  37. OK. So, about the diamonds. We just got new iPhones and my DH insists that he needs a cover for THE FRONT because it’s made of glass and he doesn’t want it to get “scratched”. Last time I checked, the only thing that can scratch glass is diamonds and since *I* don’t have loose diamonds rolling around in my purse, I went with a cover that doesn’t cover the front. *YOU*, however, clearly need one that does…

  38. I’ve been donating my stuff for years… Can’t stand the aggravation you get from garage sales (What? You paid $18.00 for this and it still has a tag on it! Will you take a dime ?), eBay (you covered that!) and Craigs list (do you really want to meet all those people — at your house?)… I figure I got the use out of the item and it’s only right that someone less fortunate get the balance of the benefit! But, I definitely could use a ‘bag of diamonds.’ Come visit when you can…

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