I’ve been friends with Pashmina for, shit, what 10, maybe 12 years now, she was my coblogger for the pre-Aunt Becky days and she’s the only reason that I met The Daver. We’ve managed to stay friends for all of this time, and she wanted to show her appreciation for all that I’ve done for her (read: flaming case of The Clap) by asking me, nay, INVITING me gently to read at her wedding.

Thrilled that I didn’t have to stuff myself into a bridesmaid dress like a shimmery encased sausage, I readily agreed. I didn’t so much care WHAT I read, just that it didn’t involve dyable shoes.

Weeks before the wedding, she – like the Type-A freak-a-leak she is – called to regretfully inform me that I wouldn’t be getting a copy of my reading stuff until the night before. Because the priest was writing them.

Not being Catholic myself, this didn’t send off any warning bells like it would have with other, more normal people.

After huffing it to the rehearsal on Friday, I was shocked to learn that I would be reading the “Lord Hear Our Prayer” part of the service. When I told this to Daver, who knows the church much better than I, his jaw dropped open like a sea bass and he started laughing. When he finally stopped, after seeing the quizzical look on my face, he sputtered,

“You’re…” *snort, snort* “You’re leading THE PRAYERS!” Then he erupted into another gale of laughter as the realization seeped into my brain.

Now, I’m a fan of organized religion, despite not knowing much about it, and I love the rituals and the kneeling and the singing, but this, this was Pashmina’s way of getting back at me for making her wear a strapless dress to my wedding.

I’m probably the least qualified person on the planet to lead prayers in a Catholic wedding.

No, seriously.

The wedding, though, was lovely, and I found myself misting up when she walked down the aisle. Here was my FRIEND, the one that was busted by the Jesuits with me, and she, well, she was in the puffy white dress and aww….

And the leading of the prayers even went fine. I did not erupt into a fireball of flame and ash at the altar. I did not wear my own wedding dress, as previously threatened. I simply read the lines, prayed, and then sat back down before bounding off to drink with some old friends.

Because I dropped out of Girl Scouts after realizing that even at age 8, I had no aptitude or interest whatsoever for crafts or cooking, I am never prepared. So during the three hour break between wedding and reception, I sent The Daver off to find appropriate cards.

He did, although I don’t remember what they said, only that I wrote “Happy Birthday, Steve!” on the outside after I was chastised for not properly addressing it.

(my point was: who the hell ELSE would I be getting a card for or giving a card to AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME?)

(answer: apparently, Steve)

The reception was a total blast. We got to hang with old friends and drink, eat delicious meat twinkies (tiny, mini meat sandwiches) and watch other people get drunk. With the exception of the woman who came up to me mid-bite, while she waited in line at the buffet, and demanded to know what I was eating in a fairly unkind way, it was fucking awesome.

And that lady? Just weird.

I hadn’t spoken to Pashmina until today because I was giving her time to both consummate the marriage and enjoy her honeymoon (bitch), and I figured she was kind of people-d out.

She called me today to discuss, sandwiched in between her bragging about her tan (bitch), the card that I’d gotten her.

Specifically, the check I had written her.

My initial thought was, “SHIT, did it bounce? I had money in the account!” immediately followed by “shit! Did I make it out to the right person?”

But no. My check didn’t bounce, and I absolutely did spell her name properly (after 10 years, even my dumb ass has learned to spell some things). Let’s just say that I pulled off the ULTIMATE Feat Of Awesomeness.

See, now, when I’d written out the check, I engaged in a revolting and juvenile past time of mine. Whenever I write out a personal check to a friend, I make sure to include something special in the MEMO box.

My favorite, and easily most common is “Funky Butt-Lovin'” but that night, I’d had a migraine (same as I do now, WHEE!) and couldn’t quite remember.

So instead, I wrote in the MEMO box: “Butt Sex” figuring she’d get a chuckle out of that among the “CONGRADULATIONS (sic)” and “Wedding” (which I saw on many of my checks from my own wedding). I hadn’t thought about it since.

But no, Pashmina hadn’t forgotten it. Not at all.

Turns out that as they’d deposited their checks, Pashmina had made some sort of addition error (I will blame her English degree (s) on this one)(somewhere, she is flicking off the computer as she reads this) and the bank had An Issue.

An Issue, of course, that had to be corrected IN PERSON at the bank. So, like the adult she is, Pashmina marched into the bank to figure out what the hell was going on.

The clerk couldn’t figure it out, save that one check had not been accounted for, so he signaled his manager over. His manager, who took one look at the Problem Check and said to Pashmina, “You got a check for BUTT SEX?”

The bank stopped. The bank stopped and the bank listened and then the bank burst out laughing. Tellers doubled over in their lanes laughing, tears rolling down their faces as they had to explain and apologize to customers for their inappropriate behavior.

Like a rock in a stream, Pashmina stood there, probably cursing my mother for birthing me, and certainly cursing herself for inviting me into her dorm room to hang out. She alternated between laughing herself and trying to appear unfazed and unflappable, and the matter was, at long last, after several calls to corporate, settled.

Pashmina, payback’s a BITCH, eh?

41 thoughts on “The Butt Sex Saga Part #1

  1. you can repost this one anytime you feel like it, it’s my favorite. 😀

    and now, every single time i write a check to anyone, i think about this and giggle.

  2. And here I put boring stuff in the memo line like, Rent.
    Wonder what my landlord would think if I wrote Butt Sex.

    Thanks ever so much for the laugh! you can send me a card and a cheque anytime, even is the cheque is for 1 cent . . . as long as you write something in the memo line

  3. My MOTHER did the exact same thing to me. No, not the Butt Sex memo – the leading the prayers thing. I got to her house at 1am – her wedding was in 8 hours. They handed me a 3-page photocopy. She looked nervous. I soon realized why. THIS WOMAN – a woman who literally NEVER IN HER LIFE EVER TOOK ME TO CHURCH EVAH EVAH EVAH, wanted me to lead the prayers at what I quickly realzed was going to be a religious ceremony. She could not even make eye contact. My soon-to-be-step father said that if it was a problem, he would ask someone else to do it. Most uncomfortable moment of my life? Almost.

  4. You could have also written Mediocre Oral Sex. That would have put her in the awkward position of being simultaneously embarrassed, and yet wanting to defend her skillz.

  5. I still love this post. My husband recently sent me a back transfer with the description “hot black dildos.” No one else saw it, but funny nonetheless.

  6. Thats very funy. My husband used to write things like that on the memo line every time he wrote me a check. Thankfully nothing like that ever happend to me at the bank. I think I would have crawled in a hole and died.
    I just want to tell you that I LUV your blog. It puts a smile on my face when I’m feeling trapped in stay at home mom jail up to my neck in diapers and sippy cups. I feel we are alot the same, with kids, age, how we veiw the world ect. But don’t worry, I won’t start stalking you or anything. I just wanted to say that your blog makes it a little easier to get up every day and face the challenge that is motherhood. So thanks for your awesome blog!

  7. That is a great story. I would love to do that, but I only write checks to my in-laws for our portion of our boat payment and to daycare. I don’t know if either would appriciate the awesomeness of butt sex.

  8. I may outrank you in the “unqualified to lead prayers in a Catholic church” league. My paternal grandmother was ex-communicated for marrying a heathen Protestant (my paternal grandfather). Too bad. Catholic church’s loss. They went on to have 8 children and 4-leven million grand and great-grandchilden. That’s a lotta collection $$.

    Every year when I sing in “Messiah” at the local Catholic basilica and lightening doesn’t strike me, I take it as a victory for my grandmother.

  9. Greatest part of this, everything we do is auto draft or debit except my kids school lunches. Can I just say, the temptation to write a check to the school system for Butt Sex is so Ginormously amusing to me, especially since this school system is such a clusterf*^k, omg, not sure I will be able to stop myself!!!!

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