While I am completely aware that grief affects each and everyone differently, I’m pretty much wishing I were a little more over it by now. I mean, I felt pretty hideous for the first couple of days and now I’m not hugely better BUT I WANT TO BE.

I want the nightmares to stop (I’m fairly prone to nightmares during times of intense stress), I wish I could feel like I had a handle on my life and responsibilities and start fucking functioning again. I HAD MY HUSBAND TAKE THE REST OF THE WEEK OFF WORK (like he’s actually not working or something. Ha-ha-ha) TO HELP ME OUT, HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

And I really want to be certain that I’m not one of those hysterical people who troll the planet looking for things to be sad about and making it.all.about.them! I’ve never been that person before, and as self-centered as I can be (dude, I have a blog that I write about such meaningful topics as “toilet paper and how it changed my life” and “my kid is weird looking but that’s okay”. How more self-centered can one POSSIBLY be?), I’m not even close to pretending that I am grieving any more or any less than anyone else shocked by this loss.

I guess that I’m just hoping that the funeral will bring some closure and maybe, just maybe, stop the damn nightmares. I hate nightmares (I’ll spare you a boring recount of them, which would be interesting to absolutely no one.).

————

I pretty much suck at emotions in general, and feel only a couple specific ones: Give Me A Fucking Cheeseburger, Angry, and I Need a Goddamned Nap, and emotional situations always make me afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing and make everyone feel worse. This is why I am funny. It’s hard to make someone cry when you’re trying to make them laugh (although you can be certain that I have probably done this), and laughter is something I can handle. Crying, not so much.

*ahem*

Anyway.

I wanted to thank everyone who has supported me since this whole damned ordeal started. Your comments honestly meant the world to me, and it’s great to know that her memory will be perpetuated (however small it may be) by people who she didn’t even know. Thank you also to my lurkers, who pulled the cloak from their face and showed me that even if they think I’m an idiot (they have every right to think this), they care too.

Steph was a neat person, and I just know that you all would have liked her tremendously. She was just that kind of person, you know, the kind you like immediately and unapologetically.

—————

In an effort to distract his mother from her grieving process, Alex has mastered something I hadn’t even thought possible.

Now, after having an overarchingly non-verbal child as my first, this whole babbling and talking this has thrown me through a loop. Ben grunted, Alex succinctly demands.

After blowing his brother’s verbal prowess out of the water, he has picked up a brand new habit, one which terrifies me and sends shivers down my spine:

He mimics our voices and statements.

No sooner have I let the dog out to make some yellow snow, when Alex begins to bellow “Caaasssshhhh”over and over again until the dog has come back in. (Yes, my dog’s name is Cash. No, I don’t mean as in Cash Money. Yes, he was named this to prevent me from loudly petitioning to name our youngest “Cash.” Can we all agree that I have terrible taste? Okay, good.)

Later, I will go to the top of the basement stairs and sweetly call “Dave” should I need my husband for something. As soon as I do this, my parrot for a son begins yelling (not so sweetly) “Daaavvvveee” Daaaavvvvveee” over and over until his father comes into his line of sight.

While this is completely adorable, it means precisely one thing, one harsh thing: I am going to have to stop referring to my husband as “Motherfucker” in Alex’s presence.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

25 Responses to You Got To Scrape That Shit Right Off Your Shoes

  • Pauline says:

    Ha, ha. You do certainly know how to make ME laugh. Hang in there. Let me know if you need anything.

  • kbreints says:

    Ha. Yeah- My Sam has started doing the same thing. I seriously have to watch my mouth in the car. I have invented words such as Shit-ola and Fu-arg.

  • Kim says:

    Son of a Bitch will have to leave your vocab for a while. It was my 7 year old’s favorite thing to repeat, but he would repeat it 2 days after I said it, while we were in line at the grocery store, and I dropped something. You would hear this little voice…

    Son…of a…. Bitch….as said while gritting teeth, cuz that is how Mommy does it.

    makes me laugh lots today, thinking of it, but at the time, not so much.

    keep your chin up, Becks. We are all right here….

  • Emily says:

    Yeah, that’s why I don’t curse in front of the kids. Because I got two verbal ones, and it’ll just make me look bad.

  • Heather says:

    Reminds me of the time I dropped something on my foot and said “Son of a”, but stopped myself from the last word, all of a sudden a little voice piped up and said “bit**”. I just told him that he shouldn’t say that, it was a mommy word and not a Paddy word.
    BTW-LOVE the name Cash, for human or canine.

  • Kristen says:

    Aw honey, I hope the nightmares stop for you and that the grief becomes bearable.
    Your little parrot sounds pretty cute. All my kids like to yell, “What the Hell?!” especially in front of the Grandparents. You are in good company…

  • Juli says:

    Be careful what music you play around him too. When Punkin was a wee one, she once serenaded the deli counter at the grocery store with a rousing rendition of “Sodomy” from Hair.

  • Doc says:

    I am not really good at expressing the sympathy I feel for you in a situation like you are in. I understand that you are looking for closure and think that it is different for each person. You can’t always know ahead of time what how and when the closure will be right for your specific grief process. I do hope that you are able to find that closure and it will be comforing for you.

  • Welcome to the world of verbal children – just wait until he starts relaying your secrets to the world – as I was picking out shoes for Son No. 1 to wear to my wedding to Husband No. 3 the sales man, after being told that “Mommy is getting married again,” commented “Second time’s the charm” my sweet faced baby boy told him “Actually it is her third.”

    Verbal children are highly interesting but often annoying.

    Children remind is that life demands to go on – even when it sucks.

    Oh, and I apologize for all the mistypes in my post yesterday.

  • Gail says:

    You really don’t want to encourage your verbal child. Mine has picked up a lot of verbal tics from his moms. Luckily, we don’t curse much.

    He has taken to saying “Seriously? Oh my goodness! That’s freakish! Who knew?”

    The baby so far seems a little less verbal, but way more evil. I’ve been working really hard to get him to say “Mom”, with no success. A couple of days ago, I was upstairs and Barbara said he was sitting there saying “mmm” repeatedly. So she said, “ma-ma… ma-ma”. He looked at her, giggled, and said “mom!”

    This morning in the car I was talking about a meeting I went to yesterday “… yap, yap, yap” and from the back seat I heard a very distinct “YAP”

    Sorry you’re having such a hard time, but it’s always harder when it’s someone close in age and sudden. At least in my experience.

  • Cricket says:

    I tend to beat myself up for having emotions, too. Do as I say, not as I do. Give yourself a break for having appropriate emotions.

  • Kristin says:

    I am going to teach Alex all kinds of evil things on Friday, it’s the least I can do.

  • Karen says:

    Things will get better. It takes time.

    That mimicing thing is sooo super cute until he drops an F bomb in front of your mother. LOL.

  • Carlynn says:

    Nightmares are the worst, they put me in such a bad mood, all unsettled and a bit gloomy the whole day. I hope they pass soon.

    Love the name Cash, by the way. It would be so cute having a little boy called Cash, how did you resist?

    And definitely get your husband to take time off to be with you, definitely. Why get married otherwise?

  • I love the name Cash too! That was almost our son’s middle name!

    But we named him after my husband instead??

    Why??? I’ll never know! :)

  • Heather says:

    Yes, well, mine is a song mimic-er, too. Many a grandparent has given the look of mortification when listening to my then two-year-old sing about getting stoned on Sunday morning (among other worthy talents – props to ‘the’ Cash). I plan to teach the Beans to shock and awe as well; what else are parents for?

    As for emotions, I can completely relate. I have huge problems with showing them – particularly sadness and sympathy, but it’s because I’m also worried about saying the wrong thing.

    You’ve got a lot going on, the Daver should have physically taken off work – I would’ve asked the same, dear.

  • LAS says:

    You make me laugh! My nephew has started repeating things – so I’ll have to watch my mouth around him. I’m not going to be able to refer to all other drivers as stupid motherfuckers and God damn assholes anymore if he’s in the car! The problem is, it’s so automatic for me.

    Hang in there and please do let me know if you need anything since I am so close!

  • Jenn says:

    **While this is completely adorable, it means precisely one thing, one harsh thing: I am going to have to stop referring to my husband as “Motherfucker” in Alex’s presence.**

    Delurking because this reminded me of my dad. When my dad was alive and my now 10 year old was a baby, my father thought it would be cute to teach him how to say “shithead.” Even worse was every time the baby would say it to people, I laughed my ass off. I think you and I are twins separated at birth. (What a e-stalkerish thing to say, but there you have it.)

    I’m sorry about your friend. I’m not good with words when it comes to situations like this so I’ll leave it at that.

  • Melissa C says:

    Cut yourself some slack! Dealing with losing a friend at the same time as PPD must be devastating!

  • christy says:

    Uh. Oh. I better start shushing my profanity in front of the little one. I try. But, slips happen. I am so glad that you are getting this car, too. I REALLY LOVE it. It’s pretty simple, fairly compact, and drives beautifully. It’s our first Mercedes. I can’t speak highly enough about it. You’re going to love it. Oh, and here’s sending you a little pail of sunshine and martini glass of smiles. happy Valentines…in that bloggy way.

  • Pamela J. says:

    If you are like me, you will never pull off that little trick of discontinuing the inappropriate fun words.

    Nothing will pull you out of grief more quickly than your children. They are all egotistical little maniacs who don’t care who the hell died, just so long as you continue catering to their every single whim. They are wonderful in that way.

  • I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going thru. My thoughts are with you. Grief is such a personal process, there’s no right or wrong way to go thru it. I’m glad you have a supportive hubby. And kids of course…they help! :)

  • SaraS-P says:

    I hope having Motherfucker home will be helpful to you.

  • honeywine says:

    Ok, you just totally creeped me out…red rum..red rum…

  • baseballmom says:

    I totally feel you on this one…I felt the same way when my dad died. I kept wondering when the heck it was going to get better, then I decided that I needed to just let myself feel this stuff, and it would get better when it did. I made sure not to wallow in it, but when I think of a memory, or even get angry at him, I just let myself think about it for a minute. Good luck, and remember, everyone grieves differently.

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