I started out a post this morning about how I missed having BFF’s and I got about halfway through and realized how WHINY it sounded. So I scrapped it. Sometimes, I think, things are better left unsaid. Or, at least, they’re better left unblogged, until such point that I can not sound like a sniveling whiny assbag.

Which will occur at a quarter past never o’clock.

Instead, I thought that I would share with you, Pranksters, a second glorious snapshot into the formative years of Your Aunt Becky. Back in the day before I was Aunt Becky.

And mostly, I should add, it should give you a good inkling as to why I am the way I am. Or, at the very least, it should give you a nice chuckle.

For those of you who don’t know, my parents were hippies. Nerdly hippies, but hippies nonetheless. My older brother and I weren’t allowed to have guns of any sort and I wasn’t allowed to play with Barbies (there was something about “skewed body image in there). I imagine that he wasn’t allowed to play with Barbies either, but I never asked and I sorely doubt he’d have wanted to anyway.

Well, I loved princesses and makeup and dresses and diamonds and pink and sparkles.

My brother, well. Yeah.

So this is what happens when you ban things like that:

Hippies are kinda bullshit

(I’m pretty sure they made me take off the tiara for the picture)

Kids in Barfights

And then there was the time I was in a bar fight.

Or actually, I just insisted on dressing up my cat in baby clothes. That’s what you get when you dress up things with claws in baby clothes. (Hey, I never claimed to be smart.)

But let’s just go ahead and say it was “a bar brawl.” It sounds better that way.

I Was A Catholic School Girl

So, this one time I was a Catholic School Girl. No really, I was.

And I have the ten-yard “fuck you stare to prove it.”

Look, I still have it:

Nursing School Portrait Death Stare

That Hairy-Eyeball Death Stare has prevented SCADS of unwanted advice from well-meaning strangers over the years. Seriously, Pranksters (especially those of you with new babies) I suggest you develop one.

Cat-Sweaters-are-Bullshit

I’m pretty sure this is the second-best-picture on the planet.

See, I don’t know if I told you this story ever (I probably did because it’s awesome) but one time, when I was like twenty-three, my mother gifted my sister-in-law MATCHING sweatshirts that had cartoon cats on them. Cartoon cats lounging on stacks of books. It said, “Cats. Books. Life is good” or something like that.

Now, my sister-in-law and I aren’t like old cat people who wear cat sweatshirts. She buys $900 underwear and shops at Anthropologie and other boutique-y stores. Got love for cats, but neither of us wear shirts with, uh, cats on them. Or any such cartoon animals. So we got them and were like.

….

….

uh.

huh?

It was bizarre.

I hadn’t realized UNTIL TODAY that the Cats, Books, Life Is Good shirt wasn’t the FIRST time I’d been horrified by a Cuddly Animal Sweatshirt. Oh no. I must have been five in that picture. The look on my face says it all.

When I was born, my dad, brother and grandfather got into photography. And when I say to you, Pranksters, that someone in my family “got into something,” you might think, “oh, they probably bought a Polaroid camera and took some snapshots,” but you would be WRONG. There would be whole alters erected to your WRONGNESS.

Because the Sherricks, they do not get INTO things in a small way (see also: my orchids)(see also: http://mommywantsvodka.com). No, they get OBSESSED with them. Hobbies? We don’t need no stinkin’ HOBBIES.

I grew up with an actual working college-appropriate darkroom in my basement. We have every kind of camera lens, camera, tripod, camera bag, photo paper, film type, chemical, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

I’ve had a camera shoved into my face since the moment I emerged from the womb with “a face only a mother could love” my entire life documented endlessly for posterity. I cannot tell you how many pictures I’ve had taken. I could give Britney Spears a run for her money.

Which is why I look incredibly sullen in many of them.

Like, for example, this:

Bag o Jellybeans Halloween Costume

Because that? A BAG of JELLYBEANS HALLOWEEN COSTUME? That’s freaking awesome.

But the best picture I came across today was this.

Golf Time, Assholes

Who the hell are those people (I can hear you through the computer, Pranksters)?

Aunt Becky Family Portrait

And THAT, Pranksters, is why I’m like this. Part eleventy-five.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

109 Responses to Why I’m Like This Part Five-Niner

  • Mrslala says:

    I can’t decide which picture I like best…but I think I’m going to have to go with the bag of jelly beans Halloween costume because a) the look on your face is priceless and b) that *is* a rockin Halloween costume idea!

    • Mrslala says:

      Oh, and also? I don’t have any IRL BFFs either. I have two good friends – one lives on the other side of the country and the other is a good friend, but not a BFF. *sniffle*

  • These pics explain a lot.

  • Lauren Elyse says:

    I think I am in love with your family. My family never does cool stuff like use me as a tee to play golf. They just let a fucking giraffe chew on my hand one time (no, seriously, WTF kind of petting zoo has giraffes?). Oh and my dad took me for my first experience with first day of trout season on the day of my sister’s birth. We saw her safely escape the womb… and then went fishing. OK, maybe my family was nuts too.

  • Wow those are some great photos. I am gonna have to get me a scanner. I have some pretty crazy photos of myself as a youngin. I may be able to through them and see why I am the way I am. But I am sure they will not compare to yours. Yours are fantastic.

    And on the BFF thing I feel ya. I had a whiny snot sniveling post about it. I couldn’t help it.But I much preferred this one cause it was AH-MAZING. And I’m sorry if you need help with therapy I am an e-mail away to listen.

  • Stacey says:

    My dad was a professional photographer. I feel your pain.

  • Tershbango says:

    The jelly bean costume? Lovely.

    Whatever happened to the olden days of MAKING Halloween costumes?

  • Frelle says:

    love this.

    you are, and always have been, beautiful. even with the ten yard stare you do so well.

    Love a look into your childhood :D

  • I just lost it. That last picture is priceless. My family would be much the same but Dad would have had me hold his cigarette and cocktail while he tee’d off. Sigh. The good old days.

  • Lex says:

    The bag of jellybeans is a pretty rocking costume idea. However, it lacks the hardcore feel of that pink kitty sweater…

  • What if the shirt had a UNICORN on it, though? Think how differently your life might’ve turned out if that sweatshirt you got back at age five had a unicorn on it….

    I too am the Daughter of a Photography-Obsessed Father. I feel your pain about having EVERY FLIPPING SECOND of your life captured on film. I have a photograph of my first diaper rash. I shit you not. However, more often than not, I opted for the GREAT BIG CHEESY GRIN look over the sullen hairy eyeball. At least until I was a teenager, anyhow…..

    And that last picture? Caused me to laugh so hard that my gum flew out of my mouth. Yeah, I’m classy like that.

  • melanie says:

    oh man that last photo had me rolling, thanks for the laugh!

  • Gretchen says:

    Now I HAVE to dig up some family photos. I lost my sh#t with that last picture. I mean, seriously?! My favorite Halloween costume was when I was 7, and my mother allowed me to go as an old-west call girl. A saloon girl. A WHORE. Good parenting, MOM.

  • Mallori says:

    Oh my goodness. I probably laughed more than should be appropriate.

    You were a CUTE kid and I personally think you’re still a pretty lady.

  • Kadye says:

    I’ll totally be your Memphis BFF.

  • Krissa says:

    In that last one, I can see that your brother is holding the cup of beer and your father is the one with the golf club. It would be irresponsible to, heh, DRINK AND DRIVE. BWAHAHAHAHA!
    I am just, (needlessly), pointing out the responsible child-rearing habits of your family.
    Proud I am to know you, sweetie. ;-)

  • Kerri says:

    OH MY GOD!!!! My mother made me be a bag of jelly beans for halloween! I so thought I was the only one! Way too cute, I love it!

  • Kimmy says:

    I got the scewed body image thing too, but my parents just banned the actual Barbie barbie dolls until I was 8 or so. they figured if i was old enough to explain ‘womanly functions’ to I was old enough for a grown up barbie.

  • Kelly says:

    Too funny. I suppose it could have been worse. They could have had you lined up with a bullseye for bows eye target practice. Or knive thowing.

  • Holy shit! That last one was AWE-SOME!

    On a related note, we wore the same barrettes! So did my daugther . . .until the age of 3 when she somehow grew grownup hair that won’t hold kiddie hair stuff. It only took me 33 years and 2 kids to get that kind of hair.

  • Rebecca says:

    Posting this only adds to your beauty. I know, I sound so cheezy but gee wiz look at those cute baby/little girl photos and then look at your now. So so pretty.

  • Barbara says:

    I want to call my mom and tell her to send me some old family photos now. I know there’s a few jems…

  • Ali M says:

    OMG I was so a bag of jelly beans too at about the same age…what were our mothers thinking?

  • Cindy says:

    I too, have no actual physical BFF’s. It’s a lonely world, but then we have the internets and it makes things all better!
    I grew up in the exact opposite situation- there are like 3 pictures of me growing up. My mom had a habit of throwing shit out. She was psycho like that. My brother actually had to steal the last remaining box of pictures from her before they were thrown out. Unreal. Although, I do have the only picture in existence of me, at 2 1/2 with a black eye, after being hit with a baseball bat. Classic!
    I really, really do feel your pain. . .

  • Jana A says:

    You got that right…

  • Kris says:

    I was a bag of jelly beans for halloween one year too! Awesome.
    Best bad parent moment… my dad taught my sister and I how to “play” bartender. He never had to get up to get his cocktail refreshed! GENIUS.

  • Brooke says:

    Hahahahah!! Awesome. I wore your “bag of jelly beans” costume one year, but I was a gumball machine. SO versatile, so rad.

  • Pam says:

    (Snort, chuckle) I thought (snort, laugh, chuckle, snort) this was (laugh,snort, laugh) HILARIOUS!

  • I’m jealous Aunt Becky. You got to have long flowing hair, while I had my professionally cut into a pixie in that salon known as my parents backyard picnic table. I actually invented that 70’s scarf look as a result.

  • Jess says:

    I have to say those are some stunning pictures you have there. I am fairly certain I ran around without a shirt on for a majority of my single digit years. I absolutely LOVE that your Dad looks like he is hitting a golf ball from your mouth…priceless!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Most of my formative years were spent without a diaper on. I saved you from having to see my naked ass, but MAN. I swear, kids in the 80’s were always naked.

      • Jess says:

        Think of all the money you saved your parents! You should bring this up. Another notch for your “Why I am the Best Daughter EVER” campaign. Well, that is my campaign, but you can totally steal it.

        New reader aboard! Enjoying your blog very much! :)

  • Steph says:

    AWESOMENESS!!!!

  • Trish says:

    Did you ‘shop Amelia into that first photo??? OMG!

  • Karen V. says:

    Oh, if only they had let you play with that Barbie, then maybe there would have been no baby clothes for the cat and possibly no bar brawl photo!! Still even through the bruises, you were an adorable kid!! No wonder all the photos!

  • Mary B says:

    Aunt Becky IN BRAIDS! That look in your eyes, so much like your little girl. Both beautiful girls. I feel sorry for the men in your house. They don’t stand a chance.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh no. They never, ever did. The running joke has always been that my husbands didn’t stand a chance. Plural. HusbandS.

      We now say that about my daughter.

  • Kim says:

    This is fantastic. And I thought I was the only one who grew up in a very weird family with a photography-obsessed father. There are so many pics of me with this round-eyed do we really need a 15th shot of us in front of the vegetable garden before Easter Mass? that you’d think I didn’t actually smile until I was in my 20s.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You’d probably think that you and I were the most surly, unpleasant children on the planet…until you realized that every moment of our lives had to be shot…then reshot….then reshot again until we weren’t having any fun. Ever.

  • Kori says:

    I am actually relieved those were cats on that sweatshirt; from where I sit, well, I thought they were cows. Fucking or dancing, couldn’t tell which. So, you know, *whew.*

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You know, they MAY be cows. In coffee cups. I’m sorry, that’s probably making you upset now. I know I didn’t sleep at all after thinking about it.

  • Wow, these pictures are amazing!! I almost peed I was laughing so hard at the end of it. Gotta love the cows in the teacup, that’s the type of shit I would have to wear. I know it’s been said before, but I don’t think it can be said too much… The Jelly bean costume? Rocks.

  • zak says:

    Classic.

    And also fabulous.

    Please frame that last photo.

  • Melissa says:

    HAHA! That last picture is hilarious. And I call your bag of jellybeans and raise you an M&M – Homemade. Two pieces of orange poster board with strings for the shoulders and M magic markered in on each side. And I totally have always favored GREEN M&M’s.

  • txjennk says:

    Oh, AB, you make me giggle. Apparently there’s a gene in the girls of my family that if you take pictures of us early in the morning, we are required by law to give you the look of death. I have one where I was three on Christmas morning because Dad just had to take a picture of us. It was a serious “leave me the fuck alone” look. My three nieces…they all has it. I’m so proud.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I have some of the best pictures of my children weeping. One, in particular, of my son, weeping over the plate of pizza in front of him. I plan to put up at his wedding.

  • TwoFacedChef says:

    I’m really happy someone else’s family is as crazy as mine. When I was a toddlerish and slithering–because I was too dumb to ever learn how to crawl–my father used to set up an indoor putting green the basement. He would putt, then send my chubby self to slither over, retrieve the ball in my mouth like a puppy and I would bring it back to him. Ah, Family.

  • Maria says:

    Oh. Em. Gee. Bwaahahhhahahaaa!

    I was wondering how your kiddie pics were professional looking. My mom’s photo albums are full of blurry, off color photos.

    You were a damn cute kid. In the first photo, you look like an Alex/Amelia clone. Of course, I guess you can’t be cloned from your own kids huh? Your head might explode if you think about that too much.

  • Carrot Top says:

    Barbie was on the banned toys list for me as well. I was an aspiring pink princess, so I feel a certain kinship must have existed between our parents. I decided to let my daughter get a Barbie, finally, at age 7. Her 10 year old brother could not WAIT to get his hands on Barbie…he was fascinated, played with Barbie’s hair, put a new outfit on her – and then turned Barbie into a girl-shaped AK-47 and blasted the hell out of everyone in the living room. He’s not allowed to play with Barbie anymore, but I got everyone in the house Nerf guns so that all sides would be armed equally.

  • beta dad says:

    Golf? Your parents truly are the nerdiest of hippies.

  • I hope you didn’t lose any teeth in the golf club photo!

    That sweater is truly horrifying.

  • Sunday says:

    Amelia looks just like you did, how cool.

  • Colie says:

    That last pic is THE MOST AWESOME TWISTED picture EVER!!

    My sister did use me as a human footstool for many of my formative years – I blame her for my back hump – but never ever a golf tee.

    Jealous.

  • Colie says:

    And PS: I’ll be your BFF. We’ll wear matching shut your whore mouth shirts and give everyone the stink eye!!!

  • Sarah S
    Twitter: RunningonWords
    says:

    Hahaha, amazing! I’m really digging the jelly bean costume, for the record.

  • Jolie says:

    I swear we’re long lost cousins or something…
    The look on your face when you got the sweater is priceless!
    I sported the same braids as a youngster all through elementary school.
    I remember my 5th grade teacher was a bag of jelly beans for H’ween and I always wanted to do that. You rock the beans dude.
    I always played with the barn cats at my great aunt’s house. She would always promise to look for baby clothes, yet never quite find them…now I see why. :)
    I think you turned out just fine. So THERE! :)

  • Suniverse says:

    Oh, god, I LOVE your family. That last picture? AMAZING.

    PS I’ve been thinking lately about the sad lack of BFFs in my life right now, particularly since it seems as if almost every single one of my friends has decide to become a complete and utter needy tool within the past couple of weeks.

    Lets be BFFs. I have some really cute necklaces you can borrow.

  • The golf picture is the best! That needs to make the rounds at the next family gathering.

    After really decades, I have finally broken my mom of the nasty habit of buying me clothes I would never ever wear. Things with Mickey Mouse on them. Of course now that I’m pregnant I expect the Mickey Mouse onsies will be arriving shortly…

  • Michelle says:

    You are frickin Hilarious! “the ten yard fuck you stare” – on a (what?) 6 yr old… that is just Awesome!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Hahahahahaha. Thank you. I’ve perfected that look now. It helps ward off people who may say things like, “Oh, now YOU have your hands full,” when I’m out with my kids.

  • andygirl says:

    oh my crap that golf picture is twelve kinds of amazing. you’re awesome. end of story.

  • Penbleth says:

    These pictures are fabulous. You make a very cute bag of jelly beans, no one would dare ask for one from a face like that. Well played for keeping the stash safe.

  • Collette says:

    Aunt Becky, I understand completely! My family was the one with the polaroid pics. (And all those 110 cartridges that had to be taken in to be developed). A major reason for turning out the way we did…Catholic School Girl. I went through 12 years of it. And, loud, ugly polyester pants. UGH!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My skirt, I remember, was made of wool. It was so beyond uncomfortable that I now have an aversion to wool so deep-seated that I can hardly type the word.

  • Maria says:

    http://awkwardchildhoodphotos.tumblr.com/

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    You are not alone.

    Old Mamma Maria

  • Dear Lord! Where to begin? These were phenomenal.

    Not only do you have a photo of your entire family watching your Dad beat you with a golf club, but you also had a halloween costume which consisted of basically a large plastic bag wrapped around your body…pretty sure the entire plastic bag industry recommends against this for young children. It is a pretty sweet costume though and as soon as my daughter is walking I might wrap her up too, possibly even using small plastic bags for the beans instead of balloons to spice up the danger factor.

    The cat sweatshirt? Love it. How could you receive gifts like that and not turn into someone with a future affinity for cats and cozy sweatshirts…and of course books. My mother in law purchases nightgowns with these types of grandmotherly images on them, I think to plot against her son wanting ANYTHING to do with me in the bedroom, but at least she isn’t suggesting it would be appropriate to be out and about with this type of clothing on. Seriously, the picture and the story of the cat and book sweatshirt made my day.

    Thanks for sharing your scary childhood in photos. No barbies makes me want to weep. At least you had a cat to dress up, you really were a child seeking danger.

    Have a great day!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

      Exactly. Pretty much my family hated me and maybe even wished that I was dead. I think the Jelly Bean costume was actually an intricate murder plot. Don’t you?

  • Yvonne says:

    Now, with that golfing picture posted… – you should never, ever, ever, have to explain yourself to anyone again…ever.

  • Christa says:

    I think your stories of odd childhood are my favorite. It’s nice to see I was not alone in my disfunctional/hilarious at times up bringing.

    BTW – that last shot should totally be submitted to awkwardfamilyphotos.com

  • Dawn says:

    A face only a mother could love? PUH-LEASE!!! You were gorgeous then and you’re gorgeous now.

    My normal expression was (and is) very similar to the “ten yard fuck you stare.” Not on purpose, you understand. I just inherited my grandmother’s turns-down-at-the-corners mouth that makes me look like my Corn Flakes have been permanently pissed in any time I have a neutral look on my face, i.e. most of the time. It makes me very endearing. I have to consciously keep an I AM FUCKING PLEASANT! YES, I AM! I AM TOO!!! look on my face most of the time, which is exHAUSTing. The link between how I’m actually feeling and what my face looks like appears to be congenitally missing.

    I feel: Just fine thanks! Life is good!
    My face looks like: WOE IS ME!!! LIFE IS SO HARD!!!

    I feel: Neutral
    My face looks like: WOE IS ME!!! LIFE IS SO HARD!!!

    I feel: Thoughtful. I am considering what you’ve just said.
    My face looks like: WOE IS ME!!! LIFE IS SO HARD!!! P.S. FUCK YOU!!!

    And it’s just downhill from there.

    Love the childhood photos. You mastered the bershon before bershon was cool.

    • Cainus says:

      I have that same problem- Inherited from my great grammy though.

      I need some kind of label that says ‘I’m not unhappy, my face just does that, okay?!’

  • Kim says:

    Amen, sister.

  • Mia says:

    I’m new to your blog (I LOVE IT), there’s something about kid pictures that conveys so much about a person. Love the pic of you (deprived of Barbie) and your brother (deprived of GI Joe)….Fricken Hilarious!

  • mumma boo says:

    The golf photo is perfect for your Christmas card for this year. I say go with it. I know you can come up with some awesome text a la your Aunt Becky Easter/4th of July cards to go with the photo. Those cards are damn funny.

  • SharleneT
    Twitter: SolarChief
    says:

    There is nothing further to say. I find for the defense. Carry on, being understood by all who have shared this moment.

  • Dear Mama,
    U CRACKKKK Me Up :) !!! Seriously.

  • katrina says:

    OMG! no wonder your kids are so beautiful…they look just like you! I wasn’t classy enough to be a bag of jelly beans…..so i was a bag of garbage.

  • Jackie says:

    My dad totally did the golf ball thing to my when I was younger as well. Except instead of doing the loving dad thing, and gently ‘tapping’ it off, he wound up and swung! My lips were purple and swollen for days. Also, ouch. Also, What the hell were my parents thinking?

  • Tressa says:

    I know this is an old post and I am totally late to the convo, but i’ve been catching up on my Aunt Becky hilarity and I just had to comment! I definitely dressed as a bag of jelly beans one year! However it was my idea and my Mom tried to make it happen… I wore a dry cleaning bag full of balloons with a giant bow around my neck! I left balloons all over the neighborhood!

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