Today, I have someone posting for me who I MET ON THE INTERNET. Do you remember when that was all scary and you had to be all, “I’m meeting someone FROM THE INTERNET” and then you were supposed to call and check in like 57 times with your BFF because Internet People were kinda like Mole People in that they rose from the Earth to kill you dead and were all all be shifty-eyed and shady?
And now, just LOOK AT US ALL!
(shifty-eyed and shady!)(also: pantsless!)
Anyway, this is The Next Martha, who is my friend in real life, which goes to show that I CAN MAKE FRIENDS (let’s be friends, Pranksters!), dammit, and that Internet People can also wear pants sometimes! Like me! Just not right now.
Here’s the situation. It’s not that I believe that penises are better than what I have because let’s face it, they’re not. I don’t see 8 lbs of anything coming out of their pipe. It’s just that being a woman and not having a penis really pisses me off when it comes to dealing with men.
For example: I decide to hire someone to help me with some of the edging and mulching that I am clearly not going to get to this year.
Man shows up. I show him the back (which sounds way dirtier than it is) and make some small talk about gardening, since he is in the biz after all.
Me: “So you see many butterflies this year?”
Man with Penis: “I think so.”
Me: “Really? Because I have hardly seen any.”
Man with Penis: “You know there’s plants you can attract them with.”
Me: “You mean like those? (I say as I point to my 8ft by 20ft butterfly garden)
Blah, blah, use us, blah, blah, easy job, blah
Man With Penis: “Oh and I only use American workers”
Man With Penis: “You know because you don’t want a bunch of Mexicans walking around your yard.”
If I had a penis, this is where I would whip it out, lay it on the patio table, and challenge him to a table check: “Okay, time to do a table check because I’m pretty sure mine is bigger and you should just shut your ass up now.”
Instead, I have no penis so I say:
“Oh, well I speak fluent Spanish so it wouldn’t bother me.”
I’m sure we can all agree that table checking our penises is clearly a superior scenario.
This type of situation happens to me all the time.
I take care of ALL of our outside services. I deserve a penis.
Phone rings. I pick up.
“Hi, Can I speak to the man of the house?”
I HAVE caller ID so I know it’s a damn lawn guy pulling his out early. Too bad it’s only a 6.
What’s that? Did you just challenge me? It’s penis time:
“Thanks for calling. Mine is 9 and a half so trust me when I say that I can handle the lawn, if you know what I mean.” I wish he were here so we could just have the conversation at the patio table.
Instead, I have No Penis:
“No, you can’t talk to him because he doesn’t even know what NPK is and I take care of the lawn.”
See? Penis time wins again.
Don’t even get me started with tools. I have a tool chest, jig saw, drill press, belt sander, and a compound miter saw. My tools. M-I-N-E. Oh, and can I use them. I know this makes you hot. That 9.5 just became 10, right?
So when I’m at the hardware store and the guy says “Do you know if you have a drill?” It’s table time again and I’m tempted to whip it out and smack his face with it. Or something like that. Not sure exactly but you get the point.
If I could order one for these situations, I would. I’ll even pay the overnight shipping because I have a contractor coming over on Thursday for a paint estimate.
I wonder how he’ll size up.