Howdy, Pranksters. Today, I’m doing something I haven’t done in far too long: I have a guest poster.

Pranksters, meet my VP from Band Back Together and one of my very bestest friends, Jana, from Jana’s Thinking Place.

When Becky asked me to write a guest post for her site, I’ll admit, even after working with her on Band Back Together for over a year now, I got a wee bit nervous. I mean, I have to be funny and all, and quite frankly I’ve been having a bad week and don’t feel very funny. My antics over on my own site are typically laser-kitty-free and without lots of glitter and shit, but I do have a trick up my sleeve.

Have you met my kid Henry? He’s awesome. He’s almost 7 and thinks he’s 17. He loves iCarly and Seinfeld along with the normal little boy favorites like Star Wars and Phineas and Ferb.

He also ahem likes to cuss. I may or may not be to blame for this. I try to be good, I really do, but I kinda have a potty mouth. The occasional shit, damn or hell flies on a semi-daily basis while I try to contain my f-bombs to when little ears are asleep.

Anyway, we watch The Middle together. He thinks it’s hilarious and we do, too. This and iCarly are the only shows we all three agree on. The other night we were watching The Middle and the following conversation transpired:

Henry: Oh, I love this show. He’s my favorite character.

Me: Who is?

Henry: Asshole

Me: {head explodes}

Jason: {balding head explodes} Who? Who do you mean? ASSHOLE?

Henry: {pointing to the TV at the older brother}

Jason: OH, you mean Axl?

Henry: {the biggest, most disgusted sigh EVER} oh, shit, I thought his name was Asshole.

So for the next thirty minutes, every time Axl was on the TV, the word Asshole was muttered laughingly by my kid.

I’ve gotta say though, he’s got the whole cussing thing down pat. He knows when and how to use cuss words properly. He can throw around dammit and shit as well as the next potty mouth soccer mom’s kid. But we are fortunate that he DOES have a filter and knows when he can and can’t use the words.

School: No

Shower: Yes

Church: No

Bedroom alone: Yes

Well, now that I say that, I’ve probably jinxed it. He’ll come home from school tomorrow with a note saying he called some kid an asshole.

Who’ll be the asshole then?

(yup, probably me)

67 thoughts on “Who’s The Asshole Now?

  1. Holy shit, I loved this 😉 While I may appear unassuming and innocent on the outside (okay, that’s a lie) I can cuss like a sailor. However, I can also carry on intelligent discussions about a variety of topics and issues, so hell, it all evens out. As long as your little dude understands when and where, I suppose it gives him street cred 😉

    Anyway, I had to laugh, because the tweet right under the tweet with this link was this quote someone retweeted from Dolly Parton: “I don’t really talk dirty to be dirty. It’s just a way of communication. Some people are just born cussers.”

    Amen, sister friend. Amen.

  2. Oh this cracked me up! I totally have a potty mouth, and am not always the best about keeping it in check around my toddler. She has a major speech disorder, so I got kind of lazy for awhile. Then one day this guy passed me on a winding, two-lane road going at least twice the speed limit. An involuntary, “Holy Shit!” flew out of my mouth. Only to be repeated by the parrot in the car seat behind me. She continued to use the phrase – in the proper context, as noted by my hubby – for some time. She seems to have either forgotten or moved on at this point. Phew.

    The worse hubby has ever taught her is, “Oh, crap.” Yeah.

  3. My grandfather gave me the following words of advice when I was a kid (maybe 10 or 12) – cursing is an art form. When used wisely it can create the perfect ambiance and sentiment. It can add the perfect punctuation and provide the most vivid picture. It can disarm the most entrenched perception. Or it can leave you with a bruised ass if used unwisely. So, use it wisely!

  4. Oh, Jana. Now I have the giggles. I really must loosten up a little and get the pole out of my ass. My kids would probably benefit from it. Because, in theory if not in practice I agree: time and place. Now I have to go and check out The Middle. Hoping I can find it on Youtube as I’m too cheap for cable.

      1. Oh ya. Now that I’ve found the page on FB I totally know what show this is. I just forgot, it has been so long since we’ve had cable. Not having TV is like breathing again, but sometimes you miss cultural relevance.

  5. That? Is why you are awesome!

    My kid alternates between letting out curse words and telling me I’m saying bad words. He HATES it when I say butt; however, he is allowed to say poop soup and crack up! WTF.

  6. I have this same issue – however without the filter. My daughter has heard me and her father cuss out the TV so much during hockey season that she’s a pro with putting the cuss words together! Before we taught her that sometimes it’s best to say nothing she’d cuss out people on the streets – one time a bus driver for taking a break and she was only almost 3!! But I wouldn’t change it for nothing!

  7. Filter the grandparents, please……….cause otherwise I might be caught laughing, especially if he’s using them correctly !! ( One Crazy Kid ! )

  8. That is too funny. I have a potty mouth too. My (ex)husband is a soldier and we lived on an army base for a while and those soldiers can cuss like a sailor…But they may take offense to that comparison lol.
    My oldest daughter spilled her whole glass of milk one day she was like 3 she looked down and saw “awwe damnit’ I laughed for hours.
    My youngest daughter says shit, all.the.time. Kids are great!

  9. I had to read this three times. For some reason, every time I got to “{balding head explodes}” I could not stop laughing.

    I think I might have dislocated my uterus.

    1. Ahahahahahahaahhahahaha!!!!!! I hope you got your uterus back in place. Also? this is the best compliment I could ever get, I think!

      “You think you’re funny, Jana?”

      “Why yes, I do. I am so damn funny, somebody read my post and DISLOCATED THEIR UTERUS. See?”

  10. I too have raised a master at the cuss words.
    His usage baffles anyone and everyone who hears him.
    He has a very uncanny knack of being able to call people exactly what they are.
    Of course, the old man he called a mean shitty bastard didn’t think it insightful.

  11. Chicken Kicker… that is the one I’m trying to replace my cuss words with. sadly my dearest loving husband is a jersey born italian… and son of a B*TCH!!! is very often used… over things as silly as leaving the milk out… my little people have a way of hitting me with it right when it is the right thing to say- I would’ve said it… BUT… it’s soooo not cute coming out of their mouths… so I keep telling them to save it until they are taller than I am… I have about 2 feet to go… by then they will have hopefully learned to censor themselves?

  12. I’m told I have a dirty mouth. So fucking what? If the worst thing my kid does is use colorful language, I figure I’m a winner in the parent game.

  13. That’ s SO flipping funny! The other day my 10 year old son called my 8 year old son an asshole. It sounded so funny coming out of his little, sweet mouth that I had to literally bite my tongue as I sent him to his room as punishment. I mean, I HAD to punish him…it says so in the “parenting handbook”. Anyhow, in all fairness I also punished the 8 year old. When he asked me why HE was being punished I told him the truth, “For acting like an asshole”

  14. I love the mommy-bloggers as a group because who knew there was all this pent up rage simmering under the surface of young women interacting in Norman Rockwellian fashion with their toddlers. Something immensely satisfying about a blog entry with nearly equal spatterings of smiley faces and f-bombs.

  15. We’ve always taught our kids the “Time and place” method for swearing. We, too, have the checklist of places that they can and cannot cuss. Our oldest is 15 and ADHD so sometimes the checklist goes out the window. My appologies to his teachers ;0)

    Margaret (@goodbadfamily)

  16. My nephew called me a douche bag one day….I knew exactly where he got that one! My sister cannot deny she taught him that! Cracked me up. Then he referred to my mother as “douchey Nana” and I bout fell out of my chair. How he knows exactly when to use it is beyond me but oh well its not the end of the world!

  17. Using the colorful language I do, my goal was for each of my three kids to make it through preschool without saying “fuck.” Kindergarten-First Grade-A Ok! But please not preschool. I’m happy to say the last one just finished preschool and I made my goal. Now I’ve got to think of another goal I guess. Hmmmm!?!

    1. Oh no! I hope he doesn’t smoke cigarettes. YUCK! I’m not sure if he’s ever seen anybody smoke them actually. Nobody we know smokes. Strange, huh?

  18. Lol. I love this. luckily despite watching a lot of TV with us that he shouldn’t my son has not adopted any penchant for swearing. Perhaps its because we do it so rarely, and the fact that its always followed with “mommy that’s a bad word” on his part.

  19. my daughter says asshole too – at 2.5 – but she actually means “castle”. LOL
    imagine our trips to the beach!

    she also said, “I wan fuk-it” the other day and it took me 20 minutes to decipher that she wanted chocolate!!!!!!

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