Actual comment by Ben:

(rubs my belly): “Wow! You look like you have another baby in there!”

Aunt Becky: *sighs*

The Daver: “Aww, you poor thing.”

Aunt Becky: *sighs*

Actual conversation with Pashmina, my former blogging buddy (who recently reminded me of a very seldom thought about fact about the two of us but has nothing whatsoever to do with this story or post):

Aunt Becky: “I don’t take laxatives but my ass is gonna try Alli when I quit nursing”

Pashmina: “DON’T DO IT”

Aunt Becky: “???”

Pashmina: “Seriously. Do. Not. Do. It”

Aunt Becky: “???”

(you can see I have a way with words)

Pashmina: “First, the point of Alli is that it traps fat and makes you shit like crazy when you eat something with too much fat in it.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ll deal with some anal leakage.”

Pashmina: “second: Alli takes a LONG ASS TIME to get out of your system
you stop taking it and you’ll still be shitting buckets for a month”

Pashmina: “Third: it prevents nutrients from being absorbed by the bowel
so you’ll lose weight. And muscle tone. And valuable nutrients”

Aunt Becky: “Man that shit is tough. But it beats a tapeworm.”

Pashmina: “Now that I’d rather have.”

Aunt Becky: “Why don’t you get one?”

Pashmina: “I don’t know how, but I wouldn’t mind.”

Aunt Becky: “I think you could order one off the internet. Lemmie see.”

Pashmina: “I VERY SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT.”

Aunt Becky: “Dunno, I’m looking it up.”

Aunt Becky: “Got it. http://wormtherapy.com/

Pashmina: “OH COME ON.”

(time passes)

Pashmina: “Good, GOD. $1200 for a tapeworm?”

Aunt Becky: “dude. WILD.”

———
Meatloaf wrote “I Will Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” about–I shit you not–donuts.

What wouldn’t YOU do? What’s one thing you’d NEVER do?

Also: I freaking LOVE the Internet. Tapeworms, who knew?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

69 Responses to Who’s Bringing Chubby Back? ME.

  • Dude. you made me spend 15 minutes looking at the worm site. I can never have that part of my life back.
    I also love the internets. You can find anything there!
    I feel you on the chubby. Poose will be 3 this month and I still have all of the baby weight. *Ouch*

  • Badass Geek says:

    That Ben has a lot to learn about not saying all that one thinks.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    There are so many things I would never do that there’s not enough room in the whole of webdom to list them.
    The tapeworm thing is on the list, though.

  • SCY says:

    I hear you on the chubby – but mine is from wine and food – lots of it, can’t blame it on no baby here dudette!

    $1200 for ONE tapeworm??? How long does that last?? AND more importantly how much to get it out???

    I would never do butt sex – sorry to be gross – but eeeeuuuwwwww!

    xxx

  • SciFi Dad says:

    “I’ll deal with some anal leakage.”

    That’s your new tagline, right there.

  • a says:

    $1200 for a tapeworm? It’s cheaper to buy a puppy, and work with that, if ya know what I mean…

  • Sandy says:

    I would do ANYTHING to be thin and gorgeous EXCEPT eat healthy and exercise.

  • Eva says:

    Never say never!

  • Calliope says:

    ha!!
    I once went through a, “I’m just not going to wash this lettuce and see if I can get thin quick” phase…never happened.
    I wish there was some fat microwave device that would melt the fat off of you and then you could piss it out. A girl can dream.

  • Michelle says:

    My son has done the exact same thing to me! He also told me I had fat arms, but when I started going to the healthclub, he cried and told me not to get stronger!

  • Ames says:

    I thought about alli but the whole anal leakage thing scared me away…I’ve had friends that took it and they did say the leakage is BAD. I really do need to get rid of this baby weight though…it’s been six months, I mean really…I should get on that shit so I look halfway decent again. *sigh*

    I try not to tell myself I’ll never do something, because most of the time I end up doing it anyway. I have a better chance of not doing something if I don’t say I’m not going to do it…does that make sense?

  • Kristine says:

    I have trouble even looking at Alli in the stores – I mean it comes with plastic blue poop – that’s just weird.

  • Marie says:

    I said I am going to become a “responsible” crack addict after I have the baby. You know, for the weight loss and energy. I told my husband he has to watch me and make sure I dont become one of the nasty people with it…..I kid…I think.

    If that plan fail because of the whole cps and everything I just might try alli and after this pregnancy I just might enjoy the pooping my brains out. Check with me in November. I won’t due the tapeworm though.

  • Jenn says:

    You can get anything from the internet. It’s insane.
    I don’t often say that I wouldn’t do something because whenever I do, it seems to bite me in the ass.

  • Minnie says:

    I just pissed myself.

    PS-Go to your local shelter, for a $25 donation you can pick up the skraggliest looking puppy around.

    That’s a win win

  • honeywine says:

    What haven’t I done to lose weight? I did the Alli in the prescription version and yeah, if you don’t want NASTY, stinky anal leakage (trust me it’s a stink I haven’t forgotten until this day) then don’t do it. But, if you can deal with some paper towel between your butt cheeks (I recommend the blue auto paper towels for softness and absorbancy ;) ), you can lose some SERIOUS weight with it. I know…totally TMI, but take it from someone who went there. I actually would do it again if it weren’t so freakin’ expensive to my cheapo self. But actually, my favorite weight loss “drug” was the imitation Corti-slim stuff. It’s also got a mood enhancer in it. So not only was I not hungry, I was also a bit mellow. I needs to get me some more o’ dat!

  • zelzee says:

    Sing karaoke….
    They say ‘never say never’
    I say never……………and no, there’s not enough alcohol in the world!

  • g says:

    Did you see the House episode where they pulled a 25 foot tapeworm out of the girl?

    Nastysauce!

  • Kendra says:

    Well, that totally ruined Alli for me. I keep eyeing it in Walgreens, thinking maybe someday I’ll shell out the bucks and try that–because like Sandy, apparently self-control is beyond me. But yet again, I’ve been painfully reminded that if you want something (like the body you had back when you thought you were fat but you had no idea how good it would look to you in a few years), you actually have to work for it.

    Stupid exercise and eating right!

  • KC says:

    Duders – as much as we all wish there was a magic pill, you know there is never an easy answer. Even if that stuff DID work…the second you stop taking it, you will gain everything back. Once you start getting in a routine with healthy food and excersize – it will get easier. If you lived in the City, I would TOTES be your workout buddy.

    But seriously, diet pills? NO.

  • deb says:

    I’d never have sex with a donkey, or horse, or any animal.
    I felt like I should be raising my right hand with the left on the bible while I typed that. Which would be hard since I’m using both hands to type with.

  • Sarah says:

    Go out in the garden, get really mucky and then chew your fingernails. That always worked for me as a kid. I didn’t get tapeworms, but I got pinworms and they do a pretty good job too (if you don’t mind having an itchy bum all night). Huzzah!

  • poor skkier says:

    For $1200, that tapeworm had better be delivered by Daniel Craig AND Viggo Mortensen.

    Now, I’m going to out myself here. I’ve taken Alli before (a while ago), and as long as you eat low fat food, there is really no dreaded anal leakage. One trip to Burger King, though, and stay close to the toilet and pack extra undies. However, let me say this: I didn’t lose one damn pound taking the stupid overpriced blue pill even when I really tried to follow the “plan”. Nothing. Nada.

    Save your money and take yoga classes or belly dancing or something that seems fun.

    Now, as to what I’d never do…yeah, sex with animals would top that list. Also, I’d never skydive unless the plane I was in was crashing. I’d never go naked skiing even if I looked like Milla Jovovich because, hello, frostbite in awkward places. I’d never stop in some rural desert town on a roadtrip and stay at a ramshackle motel hell because I watch movies and that’s how you end up at the mercy of a family of roving sadistic cannibals.

    Wait. Is my list too long? I can go on and on.

  • Coco says:

    Oh hai. That last comment from poor skkier? Was me with browser issues. Here it is as myself:

    For $1200, that tapeworm had better be delivered by Daniel Craig AND Viggo Mortensen.

    Now, I’m going to out myself here. I’ve taken Alli before (a while ago), and as long as you eat low fat food, there is really no dreaded anal leakage. One trip to Burger King, though, and stay close to the toilet and pack extra undies. However, let me say this: I didn’t lose one damn pound taking the stupid overpriced blue pill even when I really tried to follow the “plan”. Nothing. Nada.

    Save your money and take yoga classes or belly dancing or something that seems fun.

    Now, as to what I’d never do…yeah, sex with animals would top that list. Also, I’d never skydive unless the plane I was in was crashing. I’d never go naked skiing even if I looked like Milla Jovovich because, hello, frostbite in awkward places. I’d never stop in some rural desert town on a roadtrip and stay at a ramshackle motel hell because I watch movies and that’s how you end up at the mercy of a family of roving sadistic cannibals.

    Wait. Is my list too long? I can go on and on.

  • The Notorious BEX
    Twitter: mommywantsvodka
    says:

    Oh, to save a child, I would happily much tapeworms. Perhaps even live ones. There’s very little I wouldn’t do for a bunch of cash or to save a kid.

  • Cathy says:

    Tapeworms, huh? Curious.

    I weigh more now than I did immediately after delivering the boys. It’s disturbing. I’m trying the old-fashioned exercise thing. Damned slow results.

    Just don’t ask me to give up the chocolate, because stress-eating is how I survive.

  • tash says:

    You know, back in the day before the FDA when “doctors” ran around on stagecoaches peddling their wares, one popular “digestive” was chocolate covered tapeworms. Nice, huh.

    But I concede your point: sometimes a tapeworm beats the lettuce diet.

    What wouldn’t I do? Give up coffee? Is there some kind of quid pro quo here? Because for enough money or to save my life or my kid’s life, there’s sadly probably a lot I would do.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    Take a stripper dancing class! That’ll make you lose weight AND make The Daver happy! Win win! And no icky tapeworms needed!

    I <3 the interwebz! Where else can you buy a tapeworm, get certified to perform weddings/surgery and get all the free pr0n you could ever want? It’s fabulous!

    Oh, and I would never EVER jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Seriously, why do people do it? I just don’t understand!!

  • Sara says:

    I also would never have sex with an animal. Nor would I go out of my house naked. Ever. I don’t even shower or change at the gym because it’s just NOT okay.

    And from looking at the worm site I discovered that hookworms are a “good” therapy for Celiac. I just don’t think I could go there…and they are $2400. That’s NOT okay! (Although my husband said it might be “cool”.)

  • Birdpress says:

    $$$$$$…
    Oh, sorry, my mind went wandering there for a minute. Dude, I work at a vet clinic… I am right at the SOURCE! I must figure out a way to cash in on this.

  • CJ says:

    Maybe there is a black market for tapeworms and you can find one for, say, more like $750. Now that would be worth it.

    I’m a SlimFast girl myself. Eat healthy and exercize, what am I crazy?!

  • magpie says:

    Wow. Worms. Dude.

  • mumma boo says:

    Fry bacon naked. Ouch.

  • jenni says:

    wow tapeworms… no thanks, something about the thought of a live freaking worm inside of me :shudders:
    I think I would take the anal leakage over worms, but that would still be awful. I am wondering what that kinda constant blow outs would do to an already scary hemmroid situation??
    I need to lose a lot of weight but dont think I could handle either of those.
    I would never sky dive, have sex with animals, or eat raw chicken (thats a weird one I know but I am SCARED to death of raw chicken.

  • rebekah says:

    Okay. In the spirit of supporting positive body images and sounding like a Dove commercial at all times, I shouldn’t pass along my all-natural-nutrient-keeping secret, but Psyllium Husk is the poor man’s anal-seepage-free Alli.

  • PiquantMolly says:

    Becky, with your digestive problems, I would really steer clear of anything that will make them worse. Really. I’m truly nervous about that for you.

  • Bring Chubby BACK? Chubby never left!

  • S. says:

    I actually had a tapeworm from my time spent abroad. I would really, really not recommend it. Annnnnnd I didn’t happen to lose any weight at all. It just sapped me enough to feel crappy. For several years. Until I finally unpacked my last souvenir, if you know what I mean. It’s been hard to treat and all the doctors I saw looked at me like I was a crazy person. Don’t do it!!!! I’m still not sure if I got rid of it.

  • Cassie says:

    I’ve taken some diet pills before but I would never take Alli. The freaking label warns against wearing white pants. Not that I ever wear white pants, but STILL. The last thing I need is to shit my pants in public.

  • Lola says:

    Well, I’m chubby right now, and it seems the more I try to lose weight, the chubbier I get. Being a true scrapper, though, I refuse to choke down any pills or worms. I wouldn’t be too upset if I caught the pig flu or got a little food poisoning to jumpstart my battle and maybe make it so my jeans weren’t so incredibly painful to wear.

    What wouldn’t I do? I’m a try it, you might like it kinda gal, so never is hard to say. Let’s see. I would never pass up a good glass of wine. I would never have sex with George Bush, and I would never do porn. That’s about it.

  • The two things that come to mind are sex with an animal (but only because others have mentioned it, it would never have occurred to me otherwise) and probably the tapeworm.

    Unless the tapeworm was under $100. For $99 I might consider the tapeworm…maybe…if it had glowing testimonials & a celebrity endorsement. at least a B list celebrity, not a D list one.

  • That is sooooooooooo good to know about Alli. Since I love to eat and am a fat lazy slob, I can admit I’ve eyeballed it.
    But I’m on this new terrific diet, I’m going to trademark it, ‘The Toddler Diet’.

    First, you spend an hour making an awesome, healthy meal for your toddler. Then you spend an hour cleaning the kitchen, the toddler, the high chair, the floor etc. Next, make something fast and easy and totally unhealthy for yourself (my smart choices this week have included a Mexican TV dinner, pierogies that were outnumbered by the bacon, and a bowl of tapioca pudding). Try to eat your meal. Feed most of it to your bottomless pit of a toddler who squalls as if you are starving her while dining on ribeye and caviar. Finally give up because you’re too exhausted to haul the spoon/fork to your mouth any more. Throw remainder in trash. Eat bag of Swedish Fish after toddler has gone to bed instead.

    I’ve had tons of people tell me I totally look like I have lost a lot of weight. Which, when you’re fat, is kind of irritating. What are you saying, I was a whale?!

    One thing I’d never do – hmmm, that’s tough, because there’s a lot I’ll do for a dollar. And now I’m totally distracted because I just noticed the ‘more cowbell’ comment, so I can’t think of anything funny or hip. I’ll get back to you.

  • lady lemon says:

    Public nudity is what first springs to mind. That or dating a Christian.

    Oh, oh! Poop eating!!!

  • GingerB says:

    I don’t get what is wrong with you people – you can get giardia for free. Go swim in a “natural” lake or pond, prefereably one near cattle grazing, and you should be able to pick up some small animal friends. I don’t think you get anal leakage as much as anal explosion but it should be violent enough to get you some time off work so you can catch up on daytime TV and lie around while you get thin. This happened to two friends of mine so I know it is true . . .

    I’ll just keep shopping at Lane Bryant rather than have sex with animals or eat raw chicken. No George Bush. I wouldn’t be a pole dancer, especially if you don’t bring chubby back.

  • lady lemon says:

    Oh, also: DON’T take Alli. I too thought I could handle a little “anal leakage” if it would get me into my skinny jeans, but I WAS WRONG!!!

    Turns out there ARE worse things that being fat. Who knew?

  • heather says:

    You need to go read my post about Alli. It’s in the August ’08 archives and is entitled “Ass Blaster”.

  • Kirsten says:

    I tried alli for 3 months, and I never had anal leakage, I guess I was already eating pretty low fat! I did notice that it made my stutter worse (?!) and I believe it made my short-term memory worse (worse than it already was as the mother of a 5 year old and a one year old), though this is not listed as one of the side effects….just a little anecdotal information to add to the pile of comments :) Good luck!

  • Michelle says:

    I have been so tempted to try that Alli! I have a new pair of True Religion jeans and I gained 5 lbs between the time I bought them and took them in to get shortened! Now they don’t fit (I am pretty sure there is a limit to how much muffin top can be flowing over) and they have been washed so I can’t take them back. They are taunting me. Alli I would try. Apparently cutting down on the amount of candy I eat is something I won’t do though.

  • RhoRho says:

    I’ll tell ya what i would do, I’d kick Ben’s scrawny ass.

  • Betts says:

    I only have one thing to say… anal sex.

  • Betts says:

    I meant that as something I wouldn’t do, and not as a method of weight loss. Thought I should clarify.

  • sara says:

    Thank you…you’re the best!

  • Holly says:

    Learn something new everyday.

    Although I have also heard that those suckers get HUGE and will kill you. Not sure if it is worth that.

  • Swirl Girl says:

    I have two little parasite already causing much digestiive contention…why would I want another one?

  • I wouldn’t rule out a tapeworm. Even at $1200.

  • i hate, hate, hate that meatloaf song

    but tapeworms? hmm….

  • Meghan says:

    Wanna know creepy…Nathaniel said the same thing to me last Saturday! What’s that say then??? Mommy…you have a big belly too, just like daddy does…that’s good for the old self esteem…ain’t it???

    Still prayin for rain….

  • Sarah says:

    HOLY SHIT – These comments are bringing tears to my eyes… no other post has ever compelled me to visit so many new blogs… for fuck’s sake people!!

    Okay, a long time ago, I realized that to set standards for myself was to almost immediately sink below said standards, so in spite of things like SEX WITH ANIMALS, wearing white pants, public nudity, dating Christians, “butt sex”, eating worms and RAW CHICKEN being mentioned as Things One Clearly Should NEVER DO, I just refuse to limit myself. How do you like me NOW, cousins??? (Hey, if she’s your aunt too, we’re cousins, right?) Because seriously, if some psychopath shows up and manages to wrastle one or both of my children from what would have to be my proverbially cold, dead fingers, my Cold Dead Ass would resurrect itself and ride a donkey to town and back if it would save my babies. Of course, I’d be dead… so if the barnyard animals have standards, and won’t sink to necrophilia.. I guess I’d be screwed either way.

    Can’t believe I just typed all that here.. but hey. Just sayin’.

    And Mrs. Soup, Bless your soul, I was an aircraft mechanic. Perfectly good aircraft do not exist. There’s the answer to your riddle.

    Raw Chicken is of the Devil. But I would bathe in it and THEN eat it to save a child.

    Tapeworms for $1200. That just kicks ass.

  • Cari says:

    My toddler told me last week that when he grows up he’s going to have a “big wiggly belly”. I asked, why do you know a grown up who has one? He answered, “Yeah, daddy.” I smirked. Then he added, “And you.” Deflaaaaaate.

    Hmmm… that tapeworm’s not looking too bad, but sheesh that’s expensive. I guess I could work at a strip club to raise the $1200 but with this body, it’d take two years at 40 hours a week to earn that much!

  • Miss Grace says:

    My sister wants to write a book called The Stomach Flu Diet. She’s going to recommend never washing your hands EVER, and possibly licking public bathroom floors, until you get to your goal weight.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    Sarah – well crap. I’m going to need to rephrase then….

    How about “airplanes that are flying still and not planning on crashing in a fiery explosion”?? Does that work?

  • Kate says:

    Sometime in the 80s my mom went on a diet that was almost all carrots. She ate so many that she actually turned slightly orange. She didn’t make the connection and actually went to the Dr. in a panic about the orange skin. He told her she was a dumb-ass, but in a nicer way. So, I stay away from diets where you can only eat one type of food.

  • Chris says:

    I can’t believe no one else thought of this (unless they did and I’m such a dipshit that I missed it in the comments)…..

    ADULT DIAPERS!

    If you want to take the Ass-Leaking-Diet-Drug, WEAR AN ADULT DIAPER.

    Problem solved!

    Please…hold your applause.

  • tryingin2007 says:

    chubby is here to stay! (at least in my 8 months pp world.) depressing.

  • charmedgirl says:

    OMFG.
    i seriously googled tapeworm diet like a week ago and read all over that site!!! it was so gross, you have to eat a fucking CYST from a cow…you have to actually TRAVEL to the country (ie mexico…i mean, HELLO! swine flu!)…and the cost!!! i wanted to tell someone about it but i didn’t want someone i knew to worry that i was fucking googling TAPEWORM DIET, especially because i’m already on a normal diet and losing weight. they’d probably assume tapeworm and gag their mouth everytime they saw me…hmmmm…maybe i should tell my mother…that hag! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
    ___________________________________________

    i personally know one of the back-up singers with meatloaf right now and happen to know that she had to get her face fucked, HARD, on a regular basis, without saying anything before or after, to get that gig…

  • Leslee says:

    Oh dude. I am fucking ROLLING!

    There was one time when Alex,Greg and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. I noticed that my son was frantically pushing on my thigh. I asked what he was doing and he said, “I’m trying to push the fat back into your leg! The fat should not make your leg so big!”

    I shit you not. That’s what he said, nearly verbatim.

    I think that may have been the first time I witnessed a grown man piss his pants.

  • Toni says:

    OMG sometimes there should be a warning bell in your brain so you aren’t speaking exactly what you are thinking LOL

    And Alli, working in a pharmacy i would not even suggest that crap no way jose.

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