Things that keep me up all night long (allllllllllll niggghhttt looonnnggg!)
1) Salt and Vinegar Flavored Chips. It’s like a party in my mouth. Yet. Gross. Yet. Delicious. Yet. Gross.
2) This is the shoe I need:
I can buy it in a midget size six or a boat-like size twelve. My feet are a healthy size nine. Why must I know that this shoe exists only to be UNABLE to own it?
3) The Turn The motherfucking Tub Around Commercial.
…….enough fucking said.
4) What were these designers thinking?
No, seriously. Who was all, “WOW, let’s put a SHELL on the vagina of this dress! It’ll look whimsical and fresh and not at all like a fucking VAGINA! Right on top of the vagina! Sweet!”
Because they should be fired.
5) Why isn’t RuPaul my best friend?
6) How am I STILL number one on Google when you search for John C. Mayer? Is John C. Mayer responsible for my neck issues? Does John C. Mayer REALLY hate me?
7) What does “He shall be “Le-VON” mean?” Does it mean, “be Le-VON” or “believe on?”
8 ) Why did Elton John sing about it anyway? Because either way, that sentence makes no damn sense. I’m going to sue Elton John for lack of sleep and emotional distress. You all are witnesses. Sorry.
9) Are perms going to come back into vogue, too? The bang thing is bad enough. Because if perms are coming back too, I’m moving to…uh….Mars. Or wherever bangs perms aren’t.
10) These don’t seem much like deals to me:
Except that like everyone I know on The Twitter lives in Kansas City, so I could probably go there and not have to stay in a hotel. I could be all, IT’S BECKY, BITCH, and The Twitter would be all, COME OVER, and if they weren’t, I’d be all, I’M HERE, and come over anyway and then get drunk and vomit all over everything which is totally making me sound like the kind of guest you DO NOT want. WHOOPS.
Mostly, I want to be all, “IS KANSAS CITY, KANSAS,” and then, “IS KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI,” and take gratuitous pictures of myself posing in the different states.
Because I thought Kansas City was a state for like a week.
These pictures will join my coffee table book, “Aunt Becky Visits Various Traffic Islands.” It’s my new goal to make a book of pictures of myself in all KINDS of Traffic Islands all over the country.
This means I need to start traveling. Immediately. Pranksters, this has to happen. I need to physically visit Traffic Islands. Starting…now.
So pretty much, I need to go to Kansas City. But the rest of the “deals” are hilarious.
(how do you clean it?)
What keeps you up at night, Pranksters? Also: AUNT BECKY MEETS TRAFFIC ISLANDS.