Things that keep me up all night long (allllllllllll niggghhttt looonnnggg!)

1) Salt and Vinegar Flavored Chips. It’s like a party in my mouth. Yet. Gross. Yet. Delicious. Yet. Gross.

2) This is the shoe I need:

I can buy it in a midget size six or a boat-like size twelve. My feet are a healthy size nine. Why must I know that this shoe exists only to be UNABLE to own it?

3) The Turn The motherfucking Tub Around Commercial.

…….enough fucking said.

4) What were these designers thinking?

No, seriously. Who was all, “WOW, let’s put a SHELL on the vagina of this dress! It’ll look whimsical and fresh and not at all like a fucking VAGINA! Right on top of the vagina! Sweet!”

Because they should be fired.

5) Why isn’t RuPaul my best friend?

6) How am I STILL number one on Google when you search for John C. Mayer? Is John C. Mayer responsible for my neck issues? Does John C. Mayer REALLY hate me?

7) What does “He shall be “Le-VON” mean?” Does it mean, “be Le-VON” or “believe on?”

8 ) Why did Elton John sing about it anyway? Because either way, that sentence makes no damn sense. I’m going to sue Elton John for lack of sleep and emotional distress. You all are witnesses. Sorry.

9) Are perms going to come back into vogue, too? The bang thing is bad enough. Because if perms are coming back too, I’m moving to…uh….Mars. Or wherever bangs perms aren’t.

10) These don’t seem much like deals to me:

Except that like everyone I know on The Twitter lives in Kansas City, so I could probably go there and not have to stay in a hotel. I could be all, IT’S BECKY, BITCH, and The Twitter would be all, COME OVER, and if they weren’t, I’d be all, I’M HERE, and come over anyway and then get drunk and vomit all over everything which is totally making me sound like the kind of guest you DO NOT want. WHOOPS.

Mostly, I want to be all, “IS KANSAS CITY, KANSAS,” and then, “IS KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI,” and take gratuitous pictures of myself posing in the different states.

Because I thought Kansas City was a state for like a week.

(shut UP)

These pictures will join my coffee table book, “Aunt Becky Visits Various Traffic Islands.” It’s my new goal to make a book of pictures of myself in all KINDS of Traffic Islands all over the country.

This means I need to start traveling. Immediately. Pranksters, this has to happen. I need to physically visit Traffic Islands. Starting…now.

So pretty much, I need to go to Kansas City. But the rest of the “deals” are hilarious.


(how do you clean it?)


What keeps you up at night, Pranksters? Also: AUNT BECKY MEETS TRAFFIC ISLANDS.

112 thoughts on “While YOU Were Sleeping

  1. I bet Bjork owns that dress and that toilet! And I have never understood that song by Sir Elton. I always thought he said, “leave on…”

  2. Is that dress from Modcloth? I saw that and thought the EXACT same thing, but this was before I knew you… and you’re the only one who would have really appreciated my posting a fucking vag dress 🙂

    Also, you could TOTALLY a) bedazzle a toilet and b) make those shoes with white pumps + gold glitter or glitter spraypaint.

    Just sayin’

  3. OH.EM.GEE. That dress is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. Followed closely, of course, by the sparkly toilet.

    Where do you come up with this stuff? Lol.

    1. Now I just stay awake thinking about how badly I failed at my attempt to John C. Mayer the ole Gerard J. Butler.

      And, dammit, for the record, P.S. I Love You is NOT a romantic comedy, I cried my damn eyes out for most of the movie.

      Other than that, I am with you, Becky!!

      Oh – and also, I stay awake wondering how to make my blog suck less and be more loved like Aunt Becky. The answer never comes.

  4. Word is…Mariah Carey has that toilet and just bought those shoes to go with that dress. But of course, she’s modified the dress for more boobage. Oh…and if I ever get around to pulling a John C Mayer, it will be on Mariah G. Carey…where the G stands for glitter of course.

  5. I have PTSD from the 6 days I just spent in Kansas City (of the Missourri Kansas Cities). Given your live of encased meat, I say go to Cleveland . And get something called a Polish boy. Just trust me on this.

      1. A po’boy is slang for poor boy, which got their name from the low income folks buying them. I’m a card carrying cajun so this is just something I’m born knowing. This is not to say there is no such thing as a Polish Boy, but I think that’s just a young male from Poland.

  6. I follow you on Twitter and I live in San Diego…although the weather’s probably better in Kansas this week, it’s been rainy and icky…But if you ever need a place to stay, I know where all the good traffic islands are!

  7. I think all the cool stuff in Kansas City is on the Missouri side. The Kansas side is just….Kansas. Lame. I can say that because I currently reside in Kansas. Blah.

  8. I think that if you have that toilet, your poop is made of rainbows and smells like roses, so you don’t have to clean it…

  9. You know – with the Liberace museum closing I bet you could get some good deals on a lot of shiny already-bedazzled stuff.

    1. When the curator of the museum was on NPR he said they aren’t selling anything yet because they’re putting together a tour.

  10. you should totally come see me in Kansas City MO! I have a guest bedroom with your name on it (well there will be by the time you get here, sparkles and all!)

  11. Apparently my husband was having the insomnia last night, and took a couple of Tylenol PM’s to make himself sleep. He woke up at 3AM, said he went to go to the bathroom, and couldn’t feel his legs, he was all wobbley and stuff. My husband got high on Tylenol PM. What a lightweight.

    I always have ridiculous dreams when I am having trouble sleeping. Like falling down stairs and getting bloody compound fractures, standing up and being like, “It’s no big deal.” Weird.

  12. What kept me up last night? The mucus drainage that skipped my nose and decided to head straight for my stomach instead. IF I had that diamond encrusted toilet right now, I’d be wondering how the hell I was going to clean it too. What’s that you say? Take some sinus medicine? Well, unfortunately the spawn I am growing inside of my body is preventing me from that, and also making me sick, and tired, and DAMNIT who told me this baby making thing was a good idea?! Bright side, the shag carpet rug by the toilet, mixed with the cool tile floor did wonders for my hot and cold flashes.

  13. Hey Becks;
    Levon wears his war wounds like a crown
    He calls his child Jesus
    ‘Cause he likes the name
    And he sends him to the finest school in town.

    Lyrics stick to me – it’s a sickness. Can’t carry a f@*%king tune in a bucket but I can feed you the words. Levon is the name of the father in the song. It’s hard to understand what the hell Elton John is singing half the time cause he drags out the lines.

    The shoes are stunning and I agree with Linz. We should all go bedazzle and glitter the shit out of a pair of old shoes hanging around in the closet. I’m in.

  14. According to an article I read a while back the only way to really clean and disinfect a toilet it to douse it with rubbing alcohol and set it on fire. I can’t imagine the bedazzling would make a difference.

  15. OMG! Someone was wearing something like that the other night at the Chinese buffet! I had to turn to my BFF and be all “IS she wearing a vulva pattern on her dress?!?! Right where her vulva would be???” and while my friend agreed that yes the woman was wearing a vulva pattern on her dress, what was the weirdness in MY brain that made me notice it in the frist place as my BFF had seen the woman & failed to see the vulva until I pointed it out to her. I said “It’s my super power. Vulva pattern spotting. Keeps life interesting.”

  16. Yay for KCMO! Check Southwest for the actual cheap flights. And there is one thing good on the Kansas side. Strawberry Hill. Cream cheese motherfucking povitica, y’all. But they come to the midtown Costco sometimes, so I can stock up there. Oh, and Velvet Creme popcorn is in Westwood. That’s all that I can think of at the moment, but I’m sure that there is something else food-related.

  17. Ha! When I lived in Carbondale, where there are islands everywhere to keep the drunken college students from driving into oncoming traffic, and there was that commercial for the Bahamas on TV all the time, some of my friends would say (in their best Bahamian accent) “Come to de Islands! You call dem medians, but we call dem Islands!” It was pretty funny at the time…

    I especially like the “Hurry these fare won’t last!”

    I think the vagina is there on the dress to distract you from the horrible sewing job on the bodice. It looks like I did it. By hand. (I can’t sew, in case you couldn’t infer that)

  18. To clean that toilet, I’m pretty sure you buy a really really really big jar of Connoisseurs Revitalizing Jewelry Cleaner, disconnect the toilet, soak it in the jar overnight, then sparkle it up in the morning. At least that’s what I do with MY diamond-encrusted toilet…

  19. On the point of the shoes: I have been obsessing over similar ones for the last few weeks. GAH the torture. Zappos and DSW may be able to help. Also Nordstrom’s, but those will be “Jimmy Choos” and thus “Too Fucking Expensive.”

  20. My 9 year old daughter is in love with the sparkly toilet. That’s because she doesn’t have to clean stuff. When I suggested a pressure washer, she recoiled in shock. “NO! THE JEWELS WOULD COME OFF!”

  21. yay, vagina dress… not if i could just find a guy wearing some pants with a big fake dick hanging out then maybe I could wear it somewhere.. haha great blog post…
    Click my name to see my blog 🙂

      1. OH WOW!!! Since I am new to the awesome that is the blog world and Aunt Becky I nearly tinkled in my mamma unders when I saw that you replied to my comment. **Deep Breath** (Just a little excited) So my answer would be a very enthusiatic YES! Keep the blogroll. You have done all the hard work and found some good blogs. This way I don’t have to wade through the kiddie pool of crap that seems to fill the interweb. Your blogroll leads me in the right direction to find all sorts of bedazzled gems out there. Thank again Aunt Becky. Much love to you.

        I’m going to the little girls room now…

  22. What keeps me up at nite? Well lately it’s been either :

    a) checking on the 4yr old who had surgery this week and making sure he’s not tearing his incisions apart with his bare hands.

    b)checking and poking the 2yr old as he sleeps, turns blue, quits breathing .. praying the heart pauses will go away.

    c) puppy chow- the kind you eat, although everytime I open the damn bag I snort powdered sugar up my nose and look like a crackhead.

    Ohh and I follow you on TheTwitter so you can come visit me but if you’re flying out of Chicago then you might as well just drive.. lol.

    And the toilet?? I’d totally take it but OMG the cleaning? I don’t even want to think about how you’d clean that darn thing!

  23. Aunt Becky, you totally need to come visit Kansas City, but it will help immensely if you have an almost morbid fascination with roasted animal flesh and large fountains, because both exist here in abundance. This is a city that thinks that ‘shopping districts’ are among the best tourist attractions.

    The Kansas side of the state line, frankly, is a little constipated and seems to exists mostly to allow a place for upper middle class people to live and brag about living really close to astonishingly wealthy people, who in turn are generally ticked off about the nouveau riche white trash moving into their neighborhood. The fun part is these neighborhoods are just a short drive from the meth capital of the United States, which is on the Missouri side of the state line. (Less constipated, more twitchy.)

    And while you’re here, I’ll show you some wonderful traffic islands on steroids that are referred to as “traffic circles.” For some reason, in this part of the country someone has gotten the idea that it is much better for traffic flow to get rid of intersections, stop signs and stop lights and just let people try to randomly insert themselves into traffic and drive round and round in circles.

    1. From someone born and raised on the “constipated” side but now living in Florida, I have to correct you on one thing, Jefferson County, MO is the meth capital of the US. Jeff Co is a suburb of St. Louis and I am fortunate enough to have a meth head sister-in-law who wants to sell her STL home and relocate to a Jeff Co trailer. I guess she wants a mobile meth lab instead of a land based one … easier to escape the cops, I just don’t know.

      We have some cool traffic islands in FL but for some reason they call them roundabouts like the Canadians do. Very weird.

  24. I wear a 6! Keep your hands off! There was a photo of Taylor Swift in the NYT today and she bedazzled the shit out of her guitar. For. The. Win! (the guitar, not Taylor who I wish would write a different song. GAH! I’d turn it off but I’d have a mutiny from the third row at 75 mph) javascript:pop_me_up2(‘’,’SWIFT_html’,’width=460,height=630,scrollbars=yes,toolbars=no,resizable=yes’)

  25. You can go suck it! Thanks to you, I just googled “Turn The Tub Around commercial”…I didn’t need to know that was a real thing. Ugh!!!

  26. 1.Ok. Salt and vingar chips? Blech!
    2.Shoes? Did they come in an 8 1/2? Cause I NEED those!!!
    3. Ditto
    4. That dress is hideous.. has to be Modcloth…. Maybe they are hoping they can pass it off on a blind person… because no one that can see it would buy it….
    5. that toilet…. wow…… that toilet would be a nightmare if you were drunk, and puking in it…. I think it would make you even more sick…. which, might get rid of the offending alcohol faster… so….

    What keeps me up? Freaking everything! It might be because I work graveyards…. and cant get on a regular sleep schedule. It might be the 5 cats that run back and forth across the bed at all hours…. It might possibly be the constant stream of random thoughts that stomp through my brain… I doubt it though. I have been an insomniac since high school…Nothing helps…. Tylenol PM? hahaha.. ambien doesnt even help… I have found this stuff from Mexico, called Imovane…. its not FDA approved. It does work. Works great. If you dont mind the nasty side affects-its highly addictive, and it makes everything taste like metal….. until around 3 the next day…

    Im thinking of taking up drinking…. Is passing out the same as sleep???

  27. What keeps me up at night?
    Anything shiny. Videogames, movies, tv shows… ^_^

    P.S. Kansas City…a state? I can’t resist calling you out on this one. Although I used to pronounce “candleabra” as “candle-bra”…so there you go.

  28. Sometimes I think you have broken into my head and are reading my thoughts. There is a shoe just like that gold one that is Ruby Red Slippers but they only make them for toddlers but I WANT it!! And Hello Kitty Rain Boots, that they do not make for adults WHY!!
    And I mix my Salt And Vinegar chips with Cheese Doritos OMG is it delicious and yeah fattening.
    And I too have always wandered about the Levon song I don’t get it.
    And because I am mentally about 2, why don’t they make adorable holiday pajamas for me??

      1. OMG seriously Footie Jammies? That would be creepy. I was just talking tops and bottoms. Nothing creepy like footie pajamas. My ass is way to fat for a one piece. But even if it wasn’t wow that is just wow.

  29. Just found you through SRMM. You are a riot! BTW…read one of your earlier posts about your neck issues and your reaction to meds. Made me laugh hysterically, but I can totally relate. I had neck surgery three years ago and still having issues. Found a website that has helped a little…lots of good info on here…just thought I’d pass it along.

    Adding you to my list of “must read” blogs.

  30. If you come to Jacksonville, FL…I will build you a Traffic Island, bedazzle you a shitter, enslave gnomes to build you that shoe in your perfect size 9 with tiny hammers while you watch, have Sir Elton over for dinner and sit in as mediator for your lawsuit in order to explain his reasoning (but mostly to play as I sing Candle in the Wind…just ’cause) accompanied by none other than John C. Mayer, all while wearing the vagina dress.

  31. Aunt Becky….art thou calling me a midget? I wear a size 4.5. It’s okay. I forgive you.

    If I confess that I caressed the screen when I got to the picture of the shoe, would you still let me come visit your blog? I gave up shopping and needless spending for one WHOLE year and I’m only 7 weeks in. It’s an exercise in restraint not to just blog “here I am again today rocking back and forth in a corner.”

    That vagina dress is pure genius.

    new to your blog and i absolutely love it. you’re too funny for your own good.

  32. Mmmmm….salt and vinegar chips. I eat them until I have no feeling left in my mouth. GOD they’re good!

    And perms are my BFF cuz I have thin, flat, mousy hair that needs SOME kind of body forgodsake. Don’t you be bad-mouthin’ my perm!

  33. You clean that toilet with your bag of DIAMONDS!!! Wooo

    And what are YOU talking about? My favorite kinds of guests are the ones that get drunk with me then vomit all over everything. Duuuuh.

    I have a vomit eating dog…clean up’s a breeze.

  34. True story: I got “Levon” stuck in my head when I was pregnant with my son. As it is all things body & mind were mucked up when I was newly pregnant, that song stayed in my head long enough to make me feel almost-on-the-edge of extremely annoyed about it, constantly, on a loop.

    Here’s the thing: I didn’t know the words, I didn’t even remotely know half of the words. In fact, I just had basically one portion of the song stuck.

    So here I had this song in my head and all I could to in order to engage was grasp at “He was born a puh-puh-puh-puh-puh on a Christmas Day…what about the New York times… God is Dead…and the war’s begun..aaaaah Toes stick has a son today. And he shall be LEVON!” Damnit I hated Levon and his sticky-toed father even into my 2nd trimester. It was like spending 4 months having the answer to the $64,000 question on the tip of your tongue. The cork restraining that blockage was not coming out, in fact I apparently tore it in half trying to remove it, and the bottom part was floating just near the top, but in a place to keep anything from getting through.

    I happened to mention this a a family barbecue, I really did. When people were asking me how I was feeling, still kinda newly pregnant and all, and I had nothing to complain about but said “I cannot get LEVON out of my FRICKIN head – and I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS!” (yeah, I’m dramatic when pregnant, so sue me) – a cousin went to her car, got her Elton John CD and gave it to me. And for probably the next 2-3 years (my son is now 6) I would get random answering machine messages from family members “Hey Karia, I’m in the car, guess what’s on the radio?!?!…(insert random sample of Levon).”

    Thankfully it hasn’t interfered with my love of Elton John, I’m just more a “Funeral for a Friend” kind of girl.

    1. Sounds like you need to check out – the website dedicated to misheard lyrics. When I’m sad or sometimes suffering from insomnia I would go there (before I discovered Aunt Becky, obviously) and usually end up laughing until I cry… You can submit your own misheard lyrics and the story that goes with them.

  35. Hey Aunt Becky, I decided to stop by because reading you is the most delicious way to procrastinate writing my posts for my own damn blog.

    And what do I find? 10,000 kinds of wrong. Of the kind that makes me pee my pants. I don’t even know what to comment on, my eyeballs hurt.

    Oh, yeah, salt & vinegar chips are a masochists delight – so good, ouch, so good, ouch. My son thinks I’m trying to poison him when I try to share them with him. Good, more for me (ouch.)

    I want to buy that dress and wear it to my son’s school one day for drop off / pick up & see if anyone notices. Or maybe to the next PTA meeting. Just because. See if any of the mannys or Mr. Moms start paying me more attention.

    Finally: the toilet. Is that Swarovski or pave diamonds? Because, honey, if you can afford diamonds, you got a maid. If you’re lucky she’s a really cute french maid who wears those little french maid outfits with the ruffle & no undies & then when she bends over… oh, wait, did I say that out loud? Oooops. Never mind.

    Why do you let me comment when I’m sleep deprived and loopy?

    (love to you, Auntie)

    1. Sometimes, the best way to be is 100% wrong. This is why my blog exists. I THINK that toilet is crystal. Either way, can you imagine your ass hurting? I CAN.

      And do you think other people would notice the vagina dress? Because that’s all I saw when I pulled up the page. I’m not one of those who sees vaginas everywhere, either. SWEAR.

  36. I *heart* salt and vinegar chips. The best part? Nobody else in my family likes them! More for me!!

    Love your blog! One of my must reads every day!

  37. That vagina dress is impressive and it’s entertaining to think about an appropriate occasion for wearing it. (I’ll keep my ideas on that to myself – ha!) I wonder what they were thinking? But I also wonder that when seeing the following – white stretchy pants in very large sizes, a dress in a large size made out of a fabric printed with whales (in case someone didn’t notice you were a little on the large side, perhaps?) and really any skirt that is wider than it is long. But then what do I know, I’m old.

  38. Who says I sleep?

    Hmm what keeps me awake?

    Besides worrying about this baby I’m carryin’ that the doctors say is too small and will probably have to be born early, despite the fact that she IS growing and she is otherwise shaped just fine (cheerful bastards)? And the distinct lack of income here at Casa de Crazy?

    I will now lie awake pondering why anyone would put a large, red, clearly vaginal design on the skirt of a dress. Because we need to be reminded that said portion of the anatomy occasionally wears a scarlet cloak?? Or is it meant to portray what happens when those bits get…erm…excited (although clearly NOT by that hideous frock)?

    One cleans that toilet with a maid, silly Aunt Becky…sheesh…

    Elton John was singing in tongues…he accidentally combined too much Nyquil with a tripple espresso.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

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