The last straw was when Angie’s whole family called me a Mennonite. I think those are the people who don’t use zippers, but I don’t know because I’m not smart and I’m too lazy to Google it, but basically, her family was shocked that I didn’t have a DVR.

I do have zippers, however, although, my whore pants are nowhere to be found. I’m pretty sure I should make a MISSING PANTS poster for them if I ever want to see them again. They’re probably on their way to Vegas now. Whore pants.


Oddly, after I got back from my cruise, The Daver had gotten us a DVR, BEFORE I railed on him about being a Mennonite (whatever that is), and immediately, I asked him to record every episode of Law and Order: Your Life Doesn’t Suck As Bad As You Think It Does that was ever made.

Since you can find that show on TV just about any hour of the day, thanks to Dick Wolf’s tireless dedication to taking over the airwaves (TV waves?), that means that my very own DVR is always filled with Law and Order: This Is Depressing Shit.

And because I am a compulsive personality (see also: my blog, my orchids, my roses), this is what I watch every night.

Sure, back when my beloved television husband Dr. House was on air, I would watch his show, eyes glued to him for the entire hour. Likewise with Dexter, my serial killer husband.

(I had an Arby’s-type epiphany–Arby’s=RB’s=Roast Beef–I like men who are like me inside)

But summer programming pretty much sucks the fat one and so I am stuck with Law and Order: How Dare You Feel Bad About Your Life? But I like the shows and the puzzles and the characters, especially Ice-T (did you know he’s on Twitter? He’s one of two celebrities I follow and I adore him).

I’m starting to wonder if watching shows about rape, murder and suicide are the best thing for me to watch before bed.

See, I have insomnia. Now, I’m not talking about the once-in-awhile “I can’t sleep!! LOL!!” insomnia, I’m talking about the real shit. It’s not anxiety, but it is the absolute inability to sleep like a normal fucking person and it sucks.

Some nights, I’ll lay in bed, polishing my imaginary glock while I imagine killing the person who wrote the “Do-do-do a dollop of Daisy” commercial. Or the “Turn the Tub Around” one. Others, I write blog posts. Still others, I just lay there, half asleep and half awake, drifting in and out.

Not all nights are like this, but for the past 20 or so, I’ve gotten one good night of sleep.

Normally, I take Unisom and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve tried Lunesta and actually got addicted to that stuff. When I went off of it, I actually went through withdrawals, which sounds insane, but I swear, it happened. And everything you read on The Internet is true, obviously.

The worst part about the past 20ish nights is the NIGHTMARES.

Pranksters, they’re AWFUL. Every night, all night, nothing but nightmares. I won’t launch into what they were about because reading about dream sequences is about as interesting as toast or beige paint, but suffice to say, it’s been almost unbearable to go to sleep because I don’t know what my subconscious will dredge up to torture me with.

I don’t know if this is part of recovery or a side effect of trying to cut down on my Topamax (which was an abysmal failure, I should add, even though my neurologist, the one with GERD, suggested I try it) or just part of bringing up all of my past again, but maybe I could just, you know, go through the rest of this UNCONSCIOUS or something. You guys probably know better than I do.

Then again, maybe I just need to stop watching gruesome shit before bed.

I should probably just look at pictures of adorable, fluffy kittens and big-eyed puppies, right?

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85 Responses to While I DO Use Zippers, I Don’t Know If It Will Ward Off Rampant Zombie Attacks

  • Sean Hoade says:

    Holy crap, Mommy — you are heavy on the LOLZ!

  • cathyjoy says:

    Maybe? you need to join vodka kitteh and get shit-faced. Then? you can just pass out in bed and viola! sleep, sweet, dreamless, sleep (well, kinda sleep)

  • That’s exactly why I can’t watch Law & Order: Holy Crap How Does Anyone Survive in New York? The nightmares? They’re teh awful.

  • thenextmartha says:

    I guess my cat goes back to rehab tomorrow. ::Writes another check::

  • I had terrible insomnia for months after my Dad died. Every night, I would lay in bed, eyes wide open and mind racing. I couldn’t sleep no matter how hard I tried. I kept seeing my Dad’s face, the way it was once he passed away. Not to mention I had a new baby at this same time, so my sleep was all screwed up. I eventually got an anti-anxiety prescription, but sometimes that didn’t work. I resorted to putting on old Andy Griffith reruns and laying down on the couch. Seems like that worked for me whenever it WASN’T bedtime. Turns out it worked! I did this several nights in a row, until I was able to get my sleep back to normal. Is there anything like this that you could try?

  • 100DaysinBed says:

    Your comment on my blog WAS EXACTLY, exactly what I needed to hear. It’s so powerful that I am literally at a loss for words. I cannot wait to read your post about Josh. I saw the words “Carefully constructed facade of who I am…” and I had to turn away – just to because I know I AM GOING TO RELATE SO MUCH. I need a box of tissues. I get you. Thank you, again.

  • a says:

    I like sleeping. I would be really pissed if my ability to do so was taken away…wait, it kind of has! I used to sleep 8 hours a night religiously. Now I’m down to 6 and a quarter. Usually interrupted by a demon child who wants to sleep in our bed (and, of course, the resultant screaming when her wants are denied). Oh well, more Mountain Dew for me, I guess.

    I still do not own a DVR and have no intention of getting one…

  • beta dad says:

    I’m one of those freaks who don’t have the tee vee. (I guess I’m Mennonite too? But I used to work with a bunch of Mennonites in VA, and they used nail guns and table saws and stuff, so I’ll bet they have DVRs too)

    Anyway, when I watch TV on the computer (usually The Office, 30 Rock, Daily Show, etc.), I get all jacked up like a kid on a sugar binge and have trouble going to sleep. And that’s from comedy. So I recommend not filling your head with scary shit before bed. Try reading some books about physics.

    Also, Ambien works pretty well for most people (I’m sure you’ve tried it), but if you don’t fall asleep after you take it, you will lie around and trip your balls off, which may or may not be restful.

  • Mandy says:

    FLTG!!! WOOT WOOOOT!!! He had me at “Eat a hot bowl…” Top 10 Tweets f’sho!
    Did you know there is going to be Law and Order: Los Angeles starring Skeet Ulrich in the fall… http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3ifb9f290da772a7b42510fef26d7eee70
    In the meantime, Big Brother starts tonight so there’s that.
    And I gots nuthin’ for ya regarding sleep. Well, I do, but here in CA ya gotta have a “Rx” *cough, cough*

  • Shin Ae says:

    Uh oh. I can barely watch that stuff in broad daylight. I usually do okay falling asleep to something like Roseanne. You could try that, or alternatively, call me and I shall bore you to sleep.

    PS Those pants are totally hot. Hope you find them.

  • James says:

    i dont have bad dreams but i have problems falling alseep i usally watch mike and mike in the morning to go to sleep cause ya know two guys talking about sorts will put ya to sleep and also your pans are in europe lol

  • Cranky Sarah says:

    I would think whore pants would be ones without zippers since their easier to take off. For that matter, I never understood why dresses are considered so “proper” they definitely provide easier access to the coochie.
    And those are the kinds of things I think about during my bouts of insomnia. Also, during those bouts, I’ve taken to e-mailing my brother’s fiance, just in case she was under the mistaken impression she was about to marry into a normal family.
    Puzzle books usually do the trick for me in 30-40 minutes. You know the cross-word, word search, sudoku kind of things. Because it takes me that long, using all my midnight brain power, to think of a 4 letter word for adoration and it’s frikkin boring.

  • Cranky Sarah says:

    their… they’re… sleep deprivation makes you stoopid
    and of course I didn’t catch it until I’d clicked the button.

  • Andygirl says:

    Oh dude I totally suffer from insomnia. Have for years and years and have tried ALL the pills. The only one I ever liked they yanked off the market. Bastards.

    My problem (as it sounds like yours is too) is not drowsiness. I get tired. My eyes close. But I cannot turn my ever lovin brain off. I need a pill that just switches it off! So now I try a rotating combo of benadryl/valerian root or benadryl/melatonin. Works maybe 75% of the time.

    Oh, and even though I LOVE your husband Dexter, I never watch before bed. Anymore. Nightmare city.

  • Roschelle says:

    Geez…I don’t even know where to start…lol! Hope you find your whore pants. They are toooo cute. Reminds me of the pair I had that came up missing several years back. Seems one of my younger cousins wanted to give her teacher a gift for Christmas. Talked about being surprised when the teacher called concerned about the wonderful gift i.e. used pants that her student had given her. Gift wrapped and all!!!!!!!!!!!

  • MommaKiss says:

    nice ass.

  • Rebecca says:

    Maybe you can try making the kids stay up……..maybe when they are all yelling and stuff, it will calm the beast that is within you….and you’ll pass out?

  • Anna says:

    You know, some of the nightmares could certainly be from dredging up the past – I was having them the first few weeks of therapy and they were disturbing on many levels. Thankfully, they subsided. I hope yours do too.

  • kalakly says:

    Me and lack of sleep=serial killer. I hope you get some zzzz’s,soon!

  • Dora says:

    Seriously, girlfriend, have you tried a high dose (1,500-2,000 mg a day) of magnesium? I tried all kinds of addictive crap for my migraines. The mag in this quantity is the ONLY thing that’s made a long term difference. Also, ask your neuro about trying an IV magnesium treatment. It can jump start the process, and give immediate relief.

  • Joanna says:

    Why the eff have I never figured out the Arby’s thing. I’ve sat her in disbelief for like a minute and a half.

  • Kat says:

    Man, I have insomnia problems too, off and on. It’s a precursor to depression with me, and I was just thinking it was on again, and maybe I should do something about it. Because I DO NOT want to have to take lexapro again. It was a godsend when I took it before, and definitely what I had to do, but it’s a bitch to get off of. I know why I’m having the problems (No money, dog died, car trouble, i.e. stress), and I’m definitely handling this round of pre-depression better than I did before but hearing others experiences, and remembering how bad it can get reminds me not to let it get that bad!

    And my black pants are still missing too. I’m still maintaining that they’ve eloped w/yours.

  • Cute~Ella says:

    I do that to myself with Criminal Minds. It’s lead to some interesting nights of “sleep”.

    Try it, you might like the change of pace. ;-)

  • adhocmom says:

    DVR Rules. You can make yourself quite a collection of LifeTime movies.

  • Ryan Russell says:

    Or maybe you’re freaked out about your recent epiphany regarding your marriage/husband? How many days ago did you come to that conclusion?

  • Chris in PHX says:

    Is it possible Teh Daver “borrowed” said Whore Pants and has them in his desk, so that way when ever he starts to miss you he can just sniff them and everything is right in the world again? Or hes hanging on to them and thinking to himself “self, this is pretty funny” ?

  • Swirl Girl says:

    Don’t start watching infomercials either…even though I have seen the Bare Minerals one like a thousand times, I still think I’m going to see something new. The only good thing about insomnia just might be that sleeplessness makes good fodder for good blog posts!

  • Libby says:

    I feel your pain. I have never slept well. I’ll just be on the verge of sleep when suddenly I will just have to know all the lyrics to the “WKRP” theme song.

    My mind hates me.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Yay for DVRs. Boo for missing whore pants. And, branch out and start recording Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss and have sweet, sweet frosting dreams.

  • Sarah says:

    I stop watching “scary, could happen in real life” stuff when I started to dream that my unborn daughter was going to be like the little girl from The Ring. As a first time mom to be, I was terrified and stopped watching tv altogether. Then Cable became available on our road and I haven’t turned the tv off since.

    I don’t have DVR or A cell phone.

  • Mary says:

    I have problems sleeping too. I’ve used meds but I feel just as groggy the next day, so why bother? I read before I go to sleep, but since I like scary books, that doesn’t help either. If I don’t read, some crappy song by Ashley Simpson keeps repeating in my head. The episodes on the Discovery Channel about how to make parking meters and crap that my husband watches don’t even work any more.
    Hey if we ladies don’t get a good night’s sleep, Aunt Becky’s Family Reunion will look like a sequel to Night of the Living Dead. What an awesome idea for a zombie flick!

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Mmmm, Beck. I wish we could talk. Things WILL get better.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    I totally stole your whore pants. And am wearing them RIGHT NOW!

    HA!

    And I totally agree with Ryan Russell up there. Totally interconnected, I’m sure!

  • Jenn says:

    I tend to keep things on our DVR that MAKE me fall asleep. Shawshank Redemption is a good one-just try staying awake and listen to Morgan Freeman drone on and on. It has to be something I’ve seen a million times, otherwise, I want to stay up and watch it. My other standbys include The Cutting Edge, The American President and The Princess Bride. I’m also addicted to L&O, and can sometimes fall asleep watching those.
    Catch some zzz’s, Aunt Becky. Maybe you can dream about where your whore pants are :)

  • pattypunker says:

    summer programming does suck the fat one. i recommend netflix.
    also, i’m all over ice-t on twitter.

  • Jenn says:

    I feel your pain on the nightmares. I have the real insomnia too. And the anxiety kind. And… yeah. It sucks. There was a month or so where the nightmares were so bad that even when I could have gone to sleep at a decent time (which wasn’t all that often, really) I would force myself to stay awake until just an hour or two before I had to be awake. That way I pretty much passed out and if I dreamed I couldn’t remember it.
    I sometimes read/watch gruesome shit before bed but even when I read about rainbows and kitchens* and/or watch funny stuff before bed, I have nightmares. It could be that you’ve been thinking about your past a bit more and you have had more shit in your face lately.
    Fucking life, you know?

    *This was supposed to say “kittens” but I left the typo because it amuses me. And maybe you.

  • Maria says:

    Girl, times is hard, no?
    On one hand, they say dreaming is good – it means you are dealing with things, and dreaming to catch up. But nightmares are crap. Can you have The Daver to wake you and comfort you when you dream?
    And with so much going on right now, no wonder you don’t sleep.

    Perhaps Teletubbies, or the new thing MakkaPakka and his gang would be better than crime and misery to make you sleepy?
    I won’t go on about how and what to do about insomnia, but I can tell you that my friend beat it finally. There is hope.

    Love
    Maria

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Time ARE hard. Like, BEYOND hard right now, and I wonder if that’s my mind just trying to process it somehow. I always kind of thought dreams were there for a purpose. Nightmares are kinda bullshit, but I bet that it’s just my mind trying to let out some of the bad.

      Maybe I need to watch some, uh, My Little Ponies.

  • I know there is like nothing on over the summer, but I have found a new love for ‘Hot in Cleavland’ and ‘pretty little liars’, if you want to check those out, and they are not so gruesome, but now as fluffy as cats… oh well

  • Kelly says:

    I had The Daver steal your Whore Pants, mail them to me, and I’m having them made into one of those cool denim purses made out of the ass of your Jeans (Whore Pants), with the cute quilted patches on them, that all the hot ladies had where we went camping last week…

    I knew you had to have one. Now you know. The secret is out.

    There were Mennonites where we were camping, they like to light shit on fire…big time! I think they used 3 containers of lighter fluid on their camp fire. I secretly think they were trying to woo us. My ass is not wearing a bonnet.

  • Kadye says:

    Honestly, you need a personal assistant to look that stuff up for you. Also, to post the “missing” poster around their hometown, because you never know if your pants have run off to Memphis or something.

  • Becca says:

    See, now I just feel bad for you, because after my reply about your whore pants and my green cami hanging out in Vegas, C actually found my green cami. So…I’ve worn it twice, while your pants are still missing. Sorry! :O)

  • There are some shows that must not be watched right before bed like Law and Order (and Rescue Me, which is my downfall) Maybe you should try something a little more mind-numbing like Jersey Shore or something. What do you think?

  • BecZhang says:

    Dude my DVR saved my marriage. I hope sleep and your whore pants return soon. I so wish I was vodka kitteh right now.

  • Now that you’ve met my family, you need to consider it an honor to be called something so innocuous as a Mennonite. It could have been SO much worse for you.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      It really, really could have. Now you have to meet my family. They’ll tell you about my OTHER sister, the one they locked in the attic and fed apple juice for the past 30 years. Her name is Ernie.

  • I had to give up L&O and all cop dramas when my oldest was born. Nightmares and insomnia from sitting up thinking about L&O episodes.

    Of course without a fresh influx of crime drama to work with my subconscious was forced to dredge up memories of every Unsolved Mysteries episode from the 1980s

  • habanerogal says:

    http://www.videostic.com/TvShows/index.php
    Go here and watch you some Sons of Tucson those boys may not be fluffy vodka swilling kittens but they are comedy gold

  • Shufuinjapan says:

    I don’t have insomnia…yet. It’s only a mater of time though as all women in my family develop it after child birth.

    You kind of sound like my sister who has these really horrible nightmares only sometimes now but it used to be every night. She was told by a psychiatrist that she was too creative – rather like yourself – and that she needed to tell her brain when to stop the story. Um yeah good luck with that.
    Now I live in Japan -a nation of sleep deprived people, there are often TV shows on “how to get to sleep”. Most say don’t watch TV or use a computer for an hour or so before you want to go to bed. But an interesting thing I heard was that you need to have your lights dimmed for an hour or two before going to bed which helps to prepare your body for sleep. If only it were that simple! But it does work for me when I am wound up. I hope you can find some way to get some sleep soon!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Luckily, my insomnia only goes (normally) for several nights at a time and then goes away for awhile. The nightmares don’t usually last this long, either. I like the psychiatrists definition, but that’s funny, TURN IT OFF. Bwahahahaha. RIGHT.

      I think I just have too much to process all at once.

      And I’ll PRAY you don’t get The Insomnia. I didn’t develop it until I was 25. Talk about a kick in the ass.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    LOLcats?!? I mean, even Mennonites think they’re lame.

    Sounds like someone’s been watching Law & Order: When Goats Go Bad.

  • pam-tastic says:

    I too have no less than 10 hours of any type of Law & Order episode on DVR at one time…and I use it for the sole purpose of going to sleep. Try this…next time you can’t sleep (I predict that may be tonight…I’m totally guessing here) flip on a L & O, BUT you also need to turn on the closed captioning and actually “read” the TV. I do it all the time! It makes my eyes tired and I’m able to fall asleep. It works…trust me…

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Now YOU are full of BRILLIANCE. Also? How sad is this? Last night, went to turn on my Law and Order (because I never learn) and NONE ON MY DVR. It was a sign.

      Instead, I watched House, MD. Which, actually, wasn’t much better.

  • Carol says:

    Perhaps your nightmares are due to being too hot while you are trying to sleep. Get a cooler nightie or turn the AC way down.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I took your advice last night (and popped an Ambien, which I rarely do) and it totally helped! I feel a little groggy, but better today. AWESOME. Thank you.

  • Liz says:

    Say, if you are weaning of topomax, does this mean Diet Coke won’t taste like shit anymore?

  • I go through major bouts of insomnia and even became addicted to Ambien for a while. Getting off sleep meds like Ambien or Lunesta is like getting off crack (or so I hear). The rebound insomnia from sleep med withdrawal is HORRIBLE! I just went cold turkey from all sleep meds, which was pure hell. I sometimes take Magnesium, if anything. Try that if you haven’t already. It works for a lot of people. I feel your pain, Aunt Becky. I truly do.

    Also, WOAH!, on the Arby’s thing. I never computed that one before. And now I’ll never look at that roast beef sandwich quite the same.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That damn sandwich, man, it gets everyone.

      And I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had issues with Lunesta withdrawal. I have a script for Ambien that I use SPARINGLY because it makes me feel like hot ass the next day. But when it’s necessary, I use it.

  • so this just cements my thinking. Instead of going to that stupid blogging conference you come HERE and while you are insomnia-ing you can watch Boo while I sleep.

    See? Win – Win.

    I win and then I win. Perfect.

  • Dot says:

    20 nights with only one of sleep? Sounds awful. It actually sounds more like a drug or lack-of-drug reaction than some sudden recovery phase. But I would guess that not watching rape and murder at ANY time would be better for you.

  • Suzy Voices says:

    Anytime I cut down on any medication, I have sleep problems for a while. My solution? Go back on the drugs! And if you try Ambien, DO NOT DRINK. It will make you have sex and not remember it the next day.

  • Fox says:

    Ask your Dr. about Trazodone. I’ve had insomnia my entire adult life and it’s the only thing that works. It’s a mild antidepressant that was discovered to NOT help with depression but helped people sleep. Good luck!

  • In a past life I was an ACTRESS…oh yes. AND I was even on Law & Order back in the day with Sam Waterston. It was an episode where a Nanny ends up killing the child she is taking care of. My head is just to the left of Sams right elbow during the court room scenes.(I had to think about that for a moment you know the left and right thing)

    I’m famous.

    And this comment has no relevance to your lack of sleep. Sorry.

    The mennonites can be a great group. When the tornado of 19 whatever came through where I now live and caused 50k in dammage to my now FIL’s land they came and helped to clean up the dammage for free.

  • traci says:

    I <3 Dexter something awful. I had nightmares for weeks after the last season finale. I too am an insomniac. My current addiction: Ambien (that stuff is no joke and the warning for sleep sex? real! lol). My sleep specialist doc (aka medical douche) suggested I stop napping during the day and wake up earlier if I want to fall asleep earlier. Whatev!

  • Kendra says:

    I also love Ice-T. I just heard him on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” and he’s shockingly insightful and smart and funny. (Shocking to me, since I didn’t know squat about him.)

    So sorry about the insomnia. I’ve been having crazy nightmares myself and finally tied it to the fact that I’ve been reading this leper-finds-himself-in-an-alternate-universe-fighting-all-the-forces-of-evil type novel before bed. Last night I went with “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and slept way better. Just a thought.

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