I do not honestly know how to thank you. I have a post, sitting in drafts, that I want to finish, and I will, because I’m a compulsive freak of nature, but for now, I want to say that I am shocked and humbled by your kindness. I am always shocked and humbled by you, my Pranksters.

I’m proud to know you and prouder to call each of you what you are: my friends.

But for today, when my words fail me, and I sit here, trying to pick out something, anything to follow up the post that I am most proud of, I know that I cannot. Nothing will come out that will make any sense.

So, instead, I give you this. A montage of photos from my iPhone. Someone should give me an award for the breathtaking quality and composition.

P.S. Am I the ONLY blogger with no interest in becoming a decent photographer? I mean, I want to BE a fucking amazing photographer, I’m just not interested in working at it. At all. Or spending time, money or effort towards becoming one. Ever.

If I cannot store my drugs or money in the Quest Diagnostics Laboratory box, well, where the fuck CAN I store it?

Mmmmm…Soapy mealtime snacky-poo. Who isn’t smacking their lips now, Pranksters? (seriously, drug companies, GO BACK TO PENS)

And I call this, “I’m About To Shiv My Brother:”

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

56 Responses to When Words Fail Me, You Get Craptastic Pictures. Lucky You.

  • Hilly says:

    God damn, I love you. I am so glad my work load is slowing down and I can enjoy blogs again because I have truly missed everything about your blog!

  • Kelley says:

    What I want to know is where can I get my own Quest Diagnostics box? I have been looking for a place to lock up my blood & urine all day. Gotta keep those things safe, youknowwhati’msayin?

  • Andygirl says:

    the last one is my fave! what is sisterhood if not homicidal tendencies?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      What’s funniest to me is that her brothers are really, really sweet and probably wouldn’t dream of cutting her. She, on the other hand, would murder them in a second.

  • Ms Dreamer says:

    About the photography thing, Bex: nope – you and me (and probably someone else) make three.

    I don’t know about you, but I totally keep my blood and urine in a Quest Diagnostics lockbox. Now the money and drugs? Those are on the kitchen table – feel free to browse at your leisure.
    They might be onto something with the soap/food thing – saves you from having to brush your teeth after you eat, right?
    And Mimi’s look is so “what the fuck is this standing in my swimmy pool? it’s MY pool, bitch. i ain’t afraid to go back to prison…”

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s exactly what Mili’s saying, too.

      Also, you guys are making me think that I need to start storing my blood and urine in safer spaces…

  • I choose to blame my craptastic pictures on my craptastic digital camera. As the odds are good I won’t find the camera fairy dropping off a brand new, fancy-shmancy camera anytime soon, I won’t be forced to prove otherwise in the near or distant future.

    I love the look on her face – oh those big, brown eyes!!

  • I choose to blame my craptastic pictures on my craptastic digital camera. As the odds are good I won’t find the camera fairy dropping off a brand new, fancy-shmancy camera anytime soon, I won’t be forced to prove otherwise in the near or distant future.

    I love the look on her face – oh those big, brown eyes!!

  • I also have a box for my blood and urine samples separate from the box for my drugs and money. Because you do not want to mix that shit up. Trust me.

  • a says:

    It does look like she’s about to do something evil…

    I have no photography advice, other than get a really nice, expensive camera and make sure things are in focus. Then take a bazillion shots and you should get 2 or 3 worthwhile. But, I hate photography.

  • Leslie says:

    Well. I scrolled up to see the photos, so I first saw the soap dispenser photo without the top part, and I totally thought it was something else…especially with the slogan. I thought “Really? Advertising on a sex toy?”

    Yeah. I wouldn’t admit that to many people, but somehow it seems OK here.

  • Whitney says:

    Love the photos, but I’m extremely perplexed by the first picture’s warning sign. Wouldn’t it be better to just put ‘PEE & BLOOD, DON’T TOUCH – YOU SICKO!!’? Perhaps not then..

  • Issa says:

    I love my iPhone more than anything…because it takes photos.

    I don’t know, i should care more, I’m sure. But I just don’t.

  • too cute-I wonder if someone has actually gone in there looking for money or drugs—-people do weird stuff!

  • Oh Damn! Where do I store my stool sample? Or my husband’s sperm sample??? Do they have a box for those too???

    Oh. . . and I haven’t taken a photo since. . .like. . . 1993. . .

  • Mike says:

    Aunt Becky your a wonderful photographer. Time to hit the Daver up for “your Christmas present” while he has time to save. I have taken 43,000 pictures. Well im still filling up cam cards lol. it in the 60,000 range. It’s frame, reference point, light and subject. You can do those. Work them. Change them. I believe in your natural abilities after seeing these.

    One word. apprentice. Find that old salt with the bad BO and bad breath and suffer. They will teach you and you will be enriched. I was.

    M.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      See, I HAVE a nice camera. And a darkroom at my parents house. I have access to INCREDIBLE equipment, if I want it. I just…I’m lazy. My brother is the photographer, I’m the, uh, writer. And prankster.

      And Mike, I love you.

      • Mike says:

        AB You know you can never say those words. I have been lied to by every woman in my life and it hurts. And I loved them all, with all of me. I really did and that is what makes me so sad and bring me tears. F*** it hurts. You can never say those things in jest or fun. Only if you mean them. I would however, be proud and honored to be considered you friend.

        And of course your pretty damn funny so im stuck to you like glue lol.

        But please, don’t say that. because I want that so much, and no matter what anyone tells me, its only going to come when it does. I crave that in my empty life…I do. I can wait and I know when its real.

        If you can bring the subject to an outdoor shoot and make it work….that’s where the money is. Its also where the enjoyment of the art is.

        When you get them out, and they realize they are the subject it all charges…

        To put them on a natural canvas…is divine.

        M

  • Yuliya says:

    Those of us, who are much less eloquent, much less funny (or witty or insightful)who have nothing but a few decent-ish shots to distract from our otherwise mediocre writing would like to encourage you to keep taking craptastic pictures. Thank you.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    See, you have mastered the art of iPhone pics…and that look of Mimi’s says she is gonna kick ass and take initials cause she’s going to be going to damned fast to take names.

  • Hockeymandad says:

    Did she form the shiv out of a toothbrush? That would be awesome. As for the Quest box, should you ever need some blood or pee pee, you know where to go. Pee pee sounds funny doesn’t it? I think so.

  • Maria says:

    I’m totally with you. I want to be good at, well, everything, but I just don’t give a rat’s ass enough to try, kwim?

  • M says:

    I want to care too, especially trying to get pregnant, but I don’t. So I convinced my friend she does. Ha ha ha, WIN! She’s even decided to buy a nice camera and we’re going to practice a shit ton when I am pregnant. I mean, I have no interest in taking pictures, but I LOVE being in them. :)

  • blueviolet says:

    Oh your caption for the last one about killed me!

  • Shin Ae says:

    I have that grill! The neighbor saw me using it and tried to give us a gas grill. Apparently, the teeny tiny served to incite sympathy for us. But I ask you, what is better than a mini grill? Nothing, that’s what.

  • JenniferB says:

    You don’t need to say anything today. I’m still reeling from yesterday’s post. But in any case. What ARE those dufus drug companies thinking? Hmmmm… how can we let diabetics know about our product. I know! Put it on soap! Yes, diabetics must wash their hands since they have to give urine samples, right? Great idea! WTF!?!?! I love the last pic. Mimi is just such a little warrior, you can feel it emanating from her. It’s like she’s daring you to say something. “And what!”
    Much love Aunt Becky. We’re here for you, even when you don’t know what to say, or say nothing at all. Still here.

  • dual mom says:

    And we love you.

    And we always love pics of the awesomeness of that little girl.

    And I don’t care what anyone says, my blog friends are my real friends. The naysayers can bite me.

  • mumma boo says:

    So what is the point of having a lock on the Quest box if they’re just going to leave the fucking key in the lock? Amelia is just waiting for someone to tell her “no” so she can give them a swirly in the pool. She’s got that look.

  • Carrie says:

    I also have less than zero interest in becoming a great photographer. IT seems like a whoooole lot of work when my point and shoot takes pretty darn good ones.

  • Neeroc says:

    See, I’m thinking that if someone is holding up a Quest Diagnostics courier, I’d totally be giving them that box with the label ‘all drugs and money here’ because a) they’d get a box of poo and b) they would not be getting the drugs and money.

    As for the iPhone pics, you clearly work magic as I am only able to produce blurry, grainy, just-missed-the-moment pics from that damn thing! I am waiting for the next pool picture tho, the one where she completes the tackle.

  • CycleNinja says:

    You don’t have any pictures of your brain in a jar? Abby Normal, anyone?

  • Karen says:

    More love.

  • Karen says:

    More love.

  • MamaCas says:

    The drugs and money are stored in my PURSE…where they BELONG, silly girl! Wanna share???

  • Tiffany says:

    i wish i was an awesome photographer but i’m kind of over the 12 other projects/hobbies i was *so* serious about right now and, honestly, i’m way too lazy.

  • MommaKiss says:

    my “photography” lately is all from my phone. HIGH quality ;)

  • linlah says:

    So sad to know that my drugs must move to another location.

  • I love it! My favorite is the damn safe. Is that not the perfect place to hide all your jewels? Who the hell would go in there? I agree. I love to take photos and want to be a better paparazzi to my children, but who the hell has the time. I’m too busy in the trenches:) Happy Mothering, my friend!

  • I’m pretty sure Mimi is saying “Who me? Do something evil? Never! Now stop taking pictures so I can kick his ass…”

  • sarahviz says:

    Absolutely agree w/ you about the photography. I mean, I’d love it if I COULD manage to take a good picture, but meh…the ENERGY involved in LEARNING HOW. So for now I’ll just keep editing out the damn red eye.

  • Ellen M says:

    I’m the same as you when it come to photography, but I will say, my husband’s new digital SLR seems to take effortlessly good pictures. If I’d cared, I’d borrow it.

    That said, the pic of your kids is great! Like not just cute, it’s a good composition, or whatever people who are more interested in photography call it.

  • Dollycas says:

    Saw the name of your blog at The Girl Next Door Grow Up and had to check it out! Thanks for the huge smile on my face!!!

    Dollycas
    http://dollycas.blogspot.com/

  • MommyLisa says:

    Oh – I SO am not willing to try to be an amazing photographer. I label posts like this on my blog “my terrible photography”. Mine are worse than yours!!! ;P

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    Wait, so should I be offended because they’re telling me to eat the fucking soap or pleased because at least they were thoughtful enough to bring snacks?

  • Shelli says:

    The soap thing??? What the hell!? I agree–pens and post-it notes.

    No offense, but I liked my caption better–“Wassup, bitch?”

    As for the previous post, which I didn’t comment on because there were already 154 comments (I know, stupid), it was an awesome post. It makes me think differently about all those parents who bring their chronically or seriously ill children to me and how it may make them feel every time that they walk through the doors of the building. Maybe it will help me to try to make it just a little easier for them.

  • The iHubby says:

    So…do you work for Quest Diagnostics? If so I can give you an account number of a bill I have that I wouldn’t mind having disappear…FOREVER! I will buy a shirt and wear it proud in your honor.

    Deal?

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