While I was dying of the stomach flu from hell last week, my daughter took it upon herself to throw rabbit food all over the family room. When I say, “all over” I mean motherfucking EVERYWHERE.

A week later, I’m still cleaning it out of the most random of places. Amelia has been grounded until age sixteen.

I was in the middle of frantically vacuuming it out from under my end table, mentally adding a couple more years to her grounding, possibly a moat and a fire-breathing dragon, when Daver asked me to cut his hair.

“I’m going short for summer,” he informed me.

“Sure,” I said, wiping sweat from my face. “Let me know when you’re ready.”

He grabbed his clippers and began to cut his hair. Eventually, he called me. “Okay,” he said. “I’m ready.”

With that he handed me the clippers.

He didn’t SAY anything about the clippers, so I assumed that they were on the proper setting. Or whatever. I’m no clipper expert.

So I just grabbed ‘em and started clipping.

If this were a sitcom, this is where you guys would start to groan.

I neatly shaved a two-inch stripe on the left side of Daver’s head before I realized he’d set the clippers to their lowest setting so I could shave up the back. Not shave his whole head with them.

“Oh FUCK,” I said.

“What?” He replied, somehow oblivious that I’d just made him look like a second-rate Vanilla Ice.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” This was very bad. Very bad indeed. “I just shaved a vertical stripe on your head!”

“WHAT?” With that he ran to the bathroom to look.

“BECKY!” he hollered. “WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“I, um, I can FIX it,” I promised.

He sat back down and handed me the clippers again, proving that he’s a masochist.

“Maybe I should Bic it,” he said.

“Dave, your head is shaped like an alien. You can’t Bic that shit. You’ll scare small children.” I said as I tried to blend the hair.

I stood back to admire my handiwork.

“Um, maybe you can use some makeup or something.” I suggested.

“Makeup? What the fuck can I do with MAKEUP?”

“Well, um, you could apply brownish eyeshadow to that area some so your pasty whiteness doesn’t shine through. Like that spray paint shit they sold to bald guys.” I said it, then remembered it was an SNL skit.

“I’ll just wear a hat.”

(hours pass)(I eat a cheeseburger)

“The hat doesn’t cover that bit of my head, Becky. YOU OWE ME,” Daver said.

“Well, you could wear a ski cap. I have several…oh, wait, they have rhinestones on them. Plus, um, it’s summer.”

Yeah,” he said, annoyed.

“From THIS angle, it looks fine,” I suggested, starting to laugh.

“You’re sitting on the OTHER SIDE OF ME.”

(I begin to laugh uproariously)

“I can try and make it look intentional. Shave a swish on either side of your head.”

“I CANNOT GO OUT IN PUBLIC LIKE THIS.”

“Bwahahahahahaha! (wipes eyes) People will just think you have some horrible condition that makes you bald on one side. You can tell them you have leprosy. Maybe people will give you free things!”

I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying.

“Oh great,” he said, playing the straight man. “People will think that I’m rotting. That’s just GREAT, Becky.”

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Especially if you flail around a little bit. You should practice flailing around. OHMYGOD WE NEED TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC NOW.”

No.” Dave replied.

“Well,” I snorted. “It’ll grow back. Remember that time I had a mullet?”

He laughed.

“Exactly.”

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

58 Responses to When I Say He Looks Like A Vanilla Ice Wanna-Be, I Mean It In A Good Way

  • Hahahahahahaha! That is hilarious. I would like picture evidence though. That’d really make my day.

  • BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!

    Needless to say, I love this. Cuz I would totally do the same thing. And may or may not have done it to my son.

    We need pics of this debacle.

  • karen says:

    Dude I want a PICTURE of dat shit! I wanna see Vanilla Ice up in this house!!!! I can’t believe you deformed him, that is just insane in the brain!

    Still, picture please

  • Beth says:

    I second the idea of Dave giving us all a laugh by sharing a pic ;) Meanwhile, though… if he doesn’t like the service he gets, he can break down and spend five bucks at Great Clips.

  • Rebecca says:

    I laugh so hard at this story because Kevin has let me cut his hair not once, not twice, but THREE Times before he wised up and started going back to the barber. Does he NOT see what I do to our 4 year old son, what I have been doing to him for the past 3 years?? Really? Even when he asked me, I laughed so hard I cried and fell to the floor…but he STILL Trusted me to cut his hair. Idiot.

  • This was funny shit!

  • Fran says:

    PICTURE!!! FTLOG we NEEEEEEEEEEED a picture! Pretty please Auntie Becky?

  • Vinobaby says:

    I will never EVER let my Hubby read this. Or my son. I cut both their heads of hair. I sincerely hope they do not believe in revenge…or that you sleep very, very lightly…

    Cheers.
    vb

  • Anna says:

    HA – I totally did this to my husband when I was 9 months pregnant only it was the front of his head right down the middle. Love it!

  • Jenn Fox says:

    Bwhahaha! I can barely type due to the tears streaming down my face and now my co-workers pretty much think I am insane.

  • Sarah says:

    I just *might* have done exactly the same thing to the Latin Lover, excepting of course it WAS the middle of winter and he HAD to wear a hat as it ws so damn cold.

    In my defence he did hand me the shears after he’d taken the comb off and asked me to tidy it up around the back.

  • Tershbango says:

    I feel cheated – where are the pictures!? :)

  • Danyelle
    Twitter: dhutton
    says:

    Ha! Oh my this is funny! I mean, I feel bad for Daver, blah blah blah, but it is still funny. Next time my husband bitches when I accidentally put racing stripes above his ears, I’ll refer him here. (Yes, there is always a next time because he forgets every few months that I don’t know how to us the clippers, especially around his ears.)

  • Tegan says:

    I shaved off one of my husbands eyebrows once….he has these monster bushy eyebrows and he makes me trim them up….well…the guard fell off the clipper cause HE didnt snap it in right and *bzzzzz* no more eyebrow!

  • Tracie
    Twitter: fromtracie
    says:

    laughing.so.hard

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    I really need a picture. It will make me feel more sorry for the Daver, because right now I’m just laughing at him.

  • Bwhahahaha Daver is a BRAVE man. My husband would NEVER trust me near his hair. Not that he does a bang up job on his hair by himself, but he thinks he does and that’s all that counts.

    But this is hilarious because I would so totally do something like this. You should totally convince Daver to do the Vanilla Ice Eyebrow thing now.

  • JenniferB says:

    ZOMG that was good shit Becks. I needed that laugh right about now. Thanks!!!!

  • Chris in PHX says:

    I feel your pain Daver, except I did it to myself. Forgot to put the guard on and went up the back of my head with it all the way to the front.

  • Now that I’ve caught my breathe from laughing so hard.

    OMG! After a very similar incident, my husband decided it was just easier to budget in the $10 hair cuts every two weeks rather than go through the “ordeal” again. He didn’t believe me when I said I was fairly certain that with practice, I would eventually get it right.

    No faith I tell ya!

  • Ami says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! We need PICTURES! I mean if the greater Chicago area gets to see this then I definitely think the whole of the interwebs does to. Just sayin…

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    How dare you share this story and not have pictures. Wait until Daver is sleeping and get a picture for us, pretty please!

  • What? No pictures? I at the very least need an illustration in MS Paint.

  • Stacey says:

    So flippin funny! You need a pic!

  • thanks for the belly laugh on this one! Owww…my hernia hurts now.
    Oh well, worth it.

  • thanks for the belly laugh on this one! Owww…my hernia hurts now.
    Oh well, worth it.

  • Cindy says:

    Please post a pic – that is hysterical. I love that you laugh harder and harder – something I would do.

    I accidentally did a similar zip to the back of my husband’s head. He handed me the clipper and I didn’t check before I cut. I didn’t tell him though. I just blended as best as I could and kept it to myself. He’s very vain and would have been devastated. It grew in fast though :)

  • Barbara says:

    OMG I am in tears laughing. I nearly spit out my soda when you said he had an alien shaped head.

  • samminator says:

    Photo Please!!! Pretty Please!

  • KaraB says:

    I’m not the only one!! I did that to my husband, but it was more a chunk right in the middle of the back of his head. He wasn’t to happy, especially with me laughing so hard I almost peed. He ended up going for the bic look. Now I’m not allowed near him with clippers, but it was a good way to get out of doing it ever again!

  • Andrea says:

    Wait, was this WHILE you were still dying from the stomach flu, as it seems that is your get out of jail free card! This is really screaming for a photo (um, the rabbit food festival might be as well. but that ship sailed right up the vacuum cleaner hose!)

  • Sandy says:

    OMG you nearly had me in tears laughing! I’ll be rolling on the floor if you get a pic!!

  • Bekah says:

    This was tear jerking, snort inducing HIL-ARIOUS. Why someone else’s anguish is a source of pure enjoyment is beyond me but that was freakin hysterical. Just what I needed today. Genius.

    Sorry Dave. :)

  • Stacey says:

    Someone really needs to make a PSA about home haircuts.

  • Bill says:

    oh my god, of the last four times I’ve cut my own hair, three of them have ended up with a gigantic vertical bald spot. Unfortunately, i didn’t have anyone to blame but myself and my stupidity.

    My wife laughed hysterically for a minute, then was furious that i didn’t consult her. Especially after the third time.

    I’m thinking about doing it on purpose just to see if she explodes.

  • badbadwebbis says:

    ‘People will think that I’m rotting.’ You and he are a good match.

  • That’s AWESOME! My husband just about freaked when my mother presented me with set of clippers shortly after we were married. This was exactly what he was afraid of and he’s learned not to flinch at the “Oh, crap!” comments I mutter when I’m cutting his hair. I’ve been at it for 13 years…he’s a good sport!

  • Dawn says:

    Shekel for an ex-leper?

    I now badly regret all the times I cut my ex-husband’s hair and missed the opportunity to make him look funny. If only I’d known it was a finite series of opportunities.

  • karen says:

    and THAT is why my husband insists on doing his own hair. Cheap is one thing, but letting me near the shaver?! Uh …

    I’ve not been able to keep up on anything lately, so I’ve not really “been” here, and I’ve missed you. Sooooo Much!

    Thanks for the belly laugh. Sorry, The Daver, but somebody has to be the fodder!

  • I'm So Fancy says:

    Thank you for that! Made my day. If only H would let me get near his head with a pair of clippers. I’m not allowed anywhere near there with anything sharper than a spoon.

  • Penbleth says:

    Tell him he is like that guy on Ace of Cakes with the weird hair, I mean, totally stylish and suitable for a professional who also happens to ice cakes and be on the television. The one who works with Duff and has mohawks and half-hawks and where are your eyebrows this weeks you strange man? That one.

  • John says:

    The “Vanilla Ice” wannabe has me in absolute stitches.

    I’m really, really tempted to bic my head, but like the Daver, I’m afraid of scaring small children. I spent all last weekend with two people who were able to pull off the “bald with a beard” look quite successfully, so I think I’ve talked myself into it.

    *gulp*

    A few years ago, when I was still getting used to having a cell phone, it sat in my pocket when I sat down for a haircut. I was getting the same haircut that I’d gotten for all of my life. Only, just as she was about to make her first clip, a txt came in & I got startled. She took off a lot more hair than she wanted. She was able to fix it – just a very short haircut with one portion that, for a few days, looked like I wasn’t growing hair properly.

  • leanne says:

    And I would have been laughing hysterically right along with you. Oh, that’s too much. You’re too much.

    Poor Daver. (*snort*)

    Also this is why I don’t cut my husband’s hair. Just my kids’ hair :)

  • *snicker*

    I so hope there is a photo forthcoming…

    *snort*

    I can cut hair, but I’m very anal about it & it takes me forever. My husband wanted a mohawk & it took me like 45 minutes so I could get it lined up properly & make sure it was even…which my husband informed me was very un-punk of me. Whatever. He’s 30. He can be a neat punk now, dammit.

  • ThePeds says:

    Once after giving my husband a haircut, he stepped into the bathroom to trim his chest hair…not knowing that I’d taken the guard off. He Man-O-Lanterned himself, essentially (40 Year Old Virgin style). He had to go all the way down to a 0 guard all over his whole chest and then deal with the pricklies growing back for over a week! SO not my fault. but SO funny.

  • Funny stuff! My brother still reminds me of when I cut his ear while cutting his hair. At least he stopped asking me to give him free haircuts!

  • I have the solution for the Daver:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSEDyOAGS4E

    Hair in a Can? It’s REAL. Thank Ron Popeil!!

    On a related note, my husband once wanted me to buzz-cut his hair as he was laid up for 13 weeks following surgery and the poor dear was worried about bedhead issues. Some friends of ours owned clippers and brought them over. We propped Hubby up on a chair in the middle of the kitchen with a towel clothespinned around his neck and I fired up the clippers. First time in my life I’ve ever used clippers on a human (I did shear a number of sheep in my farm-living youth). I started out right down the middle of his head from forehead back in a reverse mohawk sort of way. Then I began laughing so damn hard, I was crying and he wouldn’t let me near his head with the clippers again, so our friend who owned the clippers took over and finished the job.

    Good times! He wouldn’t let me take a picture of the reverse mohawk, either. Grrrrr.

  • meg says:

    OMG I have been growing out a mullet I didn’t ask for since December. No fun! However, it is funny when it happens to someone else! :P

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Dude. Mullets are NOT fun. Mine was AWESOMELY BAD.

      • When I took my darling daughter for her first ever hair cut at the age of 19 months (at which point she *FINALLY* had enough hair that it warranted trimming), I took her to my hair stylist because it seemed like the obvious thing to do. My old, Italian hair stylist who was fine for cutting grown-up hair, but, as it turned out, didn’t have a freaking clue as to how to cut a baby girl’s hair. I don’t know if it was the language barrier or what, but she wound up cutting my kid’s hair in a total mullet.

        Took me YEARS to live that down, and every hair accessory in the book to make it look as un-mullety as possible. Egads. I still cringe at the memory. *shudder*

  • paige furr says:

    Oh dang, Becky… That’s some funny ass shit!!! Bwahaahaahaaa!!!!!! (tears in my eyes!!!)

  • Alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    Becky, I’m truly sorry for your husband, but thank you so much for posting this. It gave me the best laugh I’ve had in a slightly stressful week. Tell him that it’s just hair and that it will grow back.
    That’s what I told my dad when I tried to shave my own head so I’d look like my mom when she was going through chemo when I was six. I shaved half my head before my dad caught me. It took my parents two days to decide what to do. They finally just shaved my whole head and let the other parents and teachers think whatever they wanted to think.

  • blacklisted says:

    I think I can say that I speak for the people when I say, we want to see pictures of the mullet!

  • Amy says:

    OMG! you had me in tears!!! Sorry for the Davers, but great for all of us!! Thanks!

  • Amy says:

    OMG! you had me in tears!!! Sorry for the Davers, but great for all of us!! Thanks!

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