Weddings shall be banned unless people are wearing something from my newly-minted gallery of Fug Wedding Dresses. Because obviously.

Everything shall be renamed in fanciful (likely rude) terms. Like the “Shut Your Whore Mouth Pie*” I’m making today. MUCH more tasty sounding than “Bourbon Vanilla Pecan Pie.”

I will ban the word “literally.” Most people MISUSE it (myself included). You are not “literally shitting your pants” unless you have a pile of dookie in your drawers. So let’s just call it a white-flag and remove the word from the English language before I grind my teeth into nubbins from hearing it.

You will be able to SAY what you’re looking for into the computer and the proper web page will be pulled up. That way, I can end my Ugly Cardigan Of Doom Campaign** and focus on the more worthwhile pursuit of staring at my wall.

Bloggers – no matter the size of their blogs – will be rock stars. We shall rise from the ranks of the fumbling nerds to snort cocaine off hot models and party into the night with our entourage of hangers-on.

Anything that’s undecided by a traditional argument will be taken to a dance-off. Especially in political forums. The White House will have a fucking sweet House Band and a disco floor to host these dance-offs. It will, of course, make the world interested in politics.

Speaking of that, the White House will be renamed “The Sequined House.” Why? White is drab and dull. With Richard Simmons as our mascot, we need fabulous. Plus, then we can finally put an end to people who make jokes about the color of the damn house.

Pain shall be outlawed and sent to the “Alot” island. Pain is fucking bullshit.

I will set the top scientists in the country to work on something to measure seriousness. Anyone who is too serious for too long will have to listen to ABBA Β and watch dancing cat videos until they are smiling again. Even if they are smiling because they are now certifiable from listening to ABBA.

Abdominoplasty’s will be available to everyone who wants one.

Bret Michaels: Rock Of Herpes Love will come back on the air and NEVER LEAVE. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss that show.

Band Back Together will form a real band. I’ll totally play triangle. Or be a backup dancer. OBVIOUSLY.

**where the hell do you buy cardigans if you hate cardigans?

*am totally (fake) photoblogging it


What are you going to do when you own The Universe?

78 thoughts on “When I Rule The Universe: Part Number B

  1. Dance off. Yes. Upon deep contemplation, I think this is a really effective means of solving problems. I’m literally serious on this. But not too serious. Don’t make me listen to ABBA or watch cats dance. Just politicians.

  2. I’m going to name Heather-from-Brett Michael’s Rock of Herpes Love as my official Duchess and party with her ass every day. Because she totally should have won. A. She can spin on a pole like a pro, because she is a pro. B. She has the baddest ass 80s hair EVER. C. She face-punched everyone on the reunion show.

    And, Coke Zero will be the official drink, to be followed by rum.

    Then, Heather and I will get matching new implants. SWEET.

  3. I can’t wait to snort coke off strippers! Sounds like something that should stay in Vegas though! Also, can I have a piece of that SYWM pie for my husband? He’s pissing me off already and we are nowhere near home. And? Lastly? I’ll handle the cowbell for BB2G! Like I already do!! Smoochies xoxo

  4. I can’t wait to snort coke off strippers! Sounds like something that should stay in Vegas though! Also, can I have a piece of that SYWM pie for my husband? He’s pissing me off already and we are nowhere near home. And? Lastly? I’ll handle the cowbell for BB2G! Like I already do!! Smoochies xoxo

  5. When I rule the universe, use of the term “furbabies” will be punishable with a prison sentence. No time off for good behavior, either.

  6. The only cute cardigans (in my opinion) are at anthropologie and as such cost about $20000000 each…

    So I continue to wear my crappy old navy too deep of a v neck, poorly placed tie waisted short sleeve(I sweat a lot) cardigan because the only shirts that fit over my milk bags(even though I am totally not Canadian) are my Target maternity tank tops….

  7. “Basically” needs to be banned as well.

    And I’ve now got “Dancing Queen” in my head. Though it does sorta make me want to get up and dance. But not as much as “Take a Chance on Me.”

    Oh, and family holidays will be FUN. Or at least much more tolerable. Whatever that means to you and your family. For starters I’d like my 8-9 hour drive to visit family to be accomplished in mere seconds.

    1. I bought a sleeveless top that needs something to layer on top of it. Dressier than a hoodie. If there’s something besides a cardigan, I’m all ears. Okay, I’m not ALL EARS. That’s creepy sounding.

  8. How can you hate cardigans??? I love cardigans. I don’t know where you buy nice ones, but I generally find mine at Marshall’s and Nordstrom Rack.
    When I rule the Universe, no one will be allowed to drive when I’m on the road. Especially the two idiots who couldn’t work an entire parking lot today at lunch. How hard is it to find a spot and pull in when the lot is 2/3 empty?

  9. Okay so first of all…. Aunt Becky for President. Let’s get behind this campaign guys.

    Secondly … if we form a band I will totally join. I even sing, tap dance, play keyboard, and play guitar. Soooooooo I’m down to be in a band. All of my high school dreams will come rushing back in all their glory … except maybe the bangs. Definitely not going to bring back those bangs … too many bad memories.

    Also, can I just say that I also miss Rock of Love? That show was my blow. So maybe I can snort Rock of Love off of some hooker’s body? Please? Maybe? … please?

    Also, I love you.

  10. 1) Madonna’s rendition of “Santa Baby” will be outlawed.
    2) People will not judge me for eating a Happy Meal whenever I friggin’ want to.
    3) The aforementioned Dance-Off idea will be enacted, as long as it’s not skills that win but ENTHUSIASM. Because I can’t dance.

  11. Ok, how about: (trendy/pricey, but you’re worth it), or (not quite as pricey, a little more leopard-y)

    I started looking elsewhere in case AT’s not your bag, and found myself in your mood of cardigan-disgust. I feel your pain! Remember, one day to go before VTs with orange and cranberries…

  12. People will be banned from telling mothers, “You certainly have your hands full!” Really? Like I have NEVER heard that before? Come up with something original and then I’ll acknowledge that you’re talking to me, mmkay? (Sorry. Rough errand day.) OOOH! Maybe they should have to dance!! I love the dance-off, especially if it’s merely enthusiasm that counts!

  13. I am LITERALLY peeing my pants right now. Aw, crap. I have to go change.

    Ok, I’m back. What would I do if I were in charge of the universe? I’d make every student walk into my classroom and apologize to me every day for existing, and for overusing commas. And I’d stop assigning papers — I’d give grades by having them all take part in cage fights. One survivor, one passing grade.

    1. But commas are full of the AWESOME. I haven’t taken a college English class since my freshmen year in college. I’m pretty sure my professors hated me. I’d have kicked anyone’s ass in a cage fight, though.

  14. When I rule the universe, which I am hoping will be next week, I will be making it an automatic death sentence (to be carried out immediately) to anyone that abuses a child, or an animal… because abusers are lower than pond scum…. in my humble opinion……

    On a brighter note….. I am outlawing those pants that the kids wear that let half of their ass show… I hate those! Anyone that wears those will be subjected to watching a marathon of The Waltons…. and The Lawrence Welk Show…. I am evil….

    Chocolate will be the national food… And have zero calories… πŸ™‚

  15. Always enjoy my read here…literally!
    I was reading your profile (’cause I’m creepy that way,) and even that was entertaining!
    Thanks for your consistency, I needed that.

  16. The following words: scab, moist, clot, jeggings, jorts. But just to clarify, I dig jeggings. Just not the rediculous word.

    And I’m totally with you on the cardigans.

    And obvs the word alot. You woudnt write abunch or aton……

  17. I’m banning people who say ‘Walmarts’ and ‘anyways’. That drives me insane. Also, mullets are banned, and any woman caught sporting one gets twat kicked.

  18. I already rule the Universe. Did you not get the memo? All stupid and irritating people will be expelled…or at least kept out of my way. Especially while driving and in grocery stores. Speaking of grocery stores, baggers who put bread underneath anything will be exterminated immediately. That is all!

  19. I am so glad I stumbled back across you blog. You so make me laugh!
    I too hate wedding .. thus maybe why I have been living with the love of my life for the past 5 yrs but haven’t broke down & married him! When I do I am totally wearing flip flops!

  20. When I rule the universe the Imperial March from Star Wars will be the soundtrack for wherever I go. I will appear cruel, smacking my gloved fist into my open palm, but privately act kind to kids and dogs and to my lady, with whom I will rule the universe together. People in my universe will never say “sammich.” If they do I will choke them with my mind (an exception to the not-cruel part). Also people will never criticize or be disappointed with me except for things I don’t care about. “Eric you would be a terrible accountant.” Good. That’s actually a complement. Also I will have the Mercedes SUV I secretly hardon about, surrounded by so many goddamn liberals, and the Mercedes will be black, but I’ll build a hybrid death star.

  21. I love the dance-off idea! I got Just DAnce 2 for my birthday, and I think I will use it in all future mediations. Not only does this game help me loose weight, it will help me win at life. SCORE!

    And we listen to all ABBA all. the. time. Ever since my mom let my 4 year old watch Mama Mia about four months ago, that’s pretty much been a staple in our house. She even wants to have a Mama Mia birthday party. Not so sure the other moms would appreciate it, you know?

    Have a great Thanksgiving!

  22. “Bloggers – no matter the size of their blogs – will be rock stars. We shall rise from the ranks of the fumbling nerds to snort cocaine off hot models and party into the night with our entourage of hangers-on.”

    ^THIS. omg… this.

  23. I love love LOVE that you are calling your pie “Shut your whore mouth pie” because, I too name my concoctions. I made a cherry pie INSIDE a chocolate cake the other day and named it Jenna. Last night I made a dutch apple pie inside a spice cake and we are calling that one Eve.
    ….and yes, we are dirty minded and named the cakepies after porn. cause thats how we roll.

    I am also going to insist my children dance-off all of their disagreements. Should make them exhausted & less cranky.


  24. Holy crap, I’m starting a blog immediately! I want to be a rock star and I’m pretty sure everyone would LOVE to hear about my epic clumsiness (broke a finger picking up a box), my many cats (but they aren’t furbabies, creepy!), and that I pee a little if I sneeze to hard. Yeah, I’m totally full of awesomeness and should be a rockstar!

  25. Possums. When I rule the Universe all the possums that frolic on our property will have to wear sparkly collars and be pretty. No sparkly collar, go sleep in someone elses trashcan.

  26. I will make everyone happy… come on!!! and thou shalt be permitted to swear whenever the fuck you want to in front of whoever the fuck is around.
    I will also mandate longer chords on the charger for the Droid.
    vodka will become the drink of choice for everyone and wine will replace sweet tea all over the South.
    Thank you and good night.

    1. oh, i forgot…”literally” and “basically” are (basically and literally) fuckin useless! But happy thankful day anyway!

  27. I forgot, when I rule the universe, again, next week, it will be perfectly legal to drag the person tailgating you, out of their vehicle, and beat them to death with their own fucking leg!! Grrrrrr…..

  28. I forgot, when I rule the universe, again, next week, it will be perfectly legal to drag the person tailgating you, out of their vehicle, and beat them to death with their own fucking leg!! Grrrrrr…..

  29. Oh Aunt Becky, can the dance floor in the White House be like the dance floor in Saturday Night Fever?? You know, with the color changing lights?? Please Oh please?

  30. “Take a Chance on Me” is my ringtone.

    I would put aside any morals and disregard embarrassing my family and friends to be on Rock of Love or just to be near Bret Michaels for a day. Sadly though, I’m very, er, under qualified to appear on that show.

    I have a blog with 3 followers, but I can be a rockstar too!!??

  31. Weddings are the devil. You are a brilliant angelic devil. Also, everyone wins at a dance off. ; )

  32. I was planning to wear a wedding dress made entirely out yards and yards of itchy red tartan for my first wedding. My to be husband said all starry eyed – yoo can wear anything you like to our wedding, even if it’s a black wedding dress, ah lurve everythin about yooo.

    His first mistake in our marriage was that he was lying about all of that. Sucka! Prolly why he’s an ex.

    Anyhoo – I think I’d be happy as a clam in whatever it is that clams are happy in, in your universe. πŸ˜‰ Where can I buy me some stock in your universe??

    1. I laughed for like twenty minutes at this comment. Not because you had to get divorced or anything, but this comment needs to be framed. The mental picture was too much. I love you for it.

  33. Want to know what is really fucking bullshit?!?! ABBA is fucking bullshit, if I ever hear “Dancing Queen” again I’m literally going to take a baleen hammer to my kneecaps..HA!

    sidebar- may want to check your commentluv, doesn’t look like it showing any love. And I think you’d appreciate my bit of roadkill post today OR, I can shut the hell up and mind my own business…:-)

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