When I was a kid, I had a fainting couch in my bedroom.

Not because I was prone to fainting or requiring long periods to regroup on a fashionable yet comfortable accessory, but because my parents had antiques – lots of ’em.

But I was always mystified by this contraption. When I was sick, there were two things I wanted: The Price is Right and a pillow. Later, it became a bottle of green death flavored Nyquil – for all those times you want to be comatose without a traumatic brain injury (TM).

(I should really run their advertising campaigns)

Now, of course, I have kids, which means that I can’t spend the day in a Green Death Coma. Kids have these NEEDS, you know? Like FOOD. And DIAPERS. And the Wii. No more Green Death Coma for me!

Which is usually fine. Nyquil makes me gag and generally when I’m sick one of two things happen:

1) I can sleep it off

B) I can work through it.

But I’m in the middle of a nasty withdrawal from my maintenance migraine meds (alliterations for the win!)(Carbitrol, for those who care), which means that sleep is out of the question. So is doing everything from writing a coherent blog post to taking a pee without whining.

I took yesterday off, a rare occurrence, figuring that spending a day huddled on the couch with my blanket and a Hoarders marathon, taking the time to properly moan, weep, and feel sorry for myself, in the hopes that I’d feel better today. I mean, I got shits to do. Like write crappy blog posts. And use The Twitter. And walk upright! And learn particle physics! AND LOUNGE AGAINST THE MOTHERFUCKING MACHINE!

It didn’t help.

So I will be taking today off as well, obnoxiously resenting kid germs, plotting the untimely death of Mark Zuckerberg and trying to lounge against the machine…from the couch.

If only I had more Hoarders and my fainting couch back. I bet that’d get me right again.

22 thoughts on “When I Die, Tell Mark Zuckerberg I Hate His Foppy Hair

  1. Holy shitballs batman, I had to Google fainting couches, and they are pretty damn cool. I want one! As an aside, then I had to Google fainting goat videos, because they are the shit, and always make me laugh

  2. I always thought that fainting couches looked really cool, but I could never quite figure out how ladies could manage to only faint when there was one nearby. It seems like they would need wheels and a leash so you could drag them everywhere you went, just in case…

  3. I’ve been thinking that I need a pain couch. They don’t make those, I know…yet! When I’m having really bad pain…boom, couch. Or I could just lie on the regular couch with my dogs and call it good. Either way, I hope you feel better soon. It fucking sucks coming off meds. *giant-crazy-hugs* for you. Mwah!

  4. Ain’t fainting couches the vapor couch…Like the old school girls would get the vapors, faint, probably from inability-to-breath coursettes and fall out??

    Im sorry u feel yucky-ducky, icky-dicky (playing w/ words)..I always suggest, lots fluids, rest and long, hot showers! The fluids (not fuckin’ vodka, ok) is to piss the yucky-ducky-fucky out!!!

    Pam from Michigan

  5. Aw, poor thing! I get horrible migraines too. No meds work. Weening must be hard. I feel for you.

    My face is half numb from the dentist. If that makes you feel better.

  6. New shirt, “weening is bullshit”? Going through tramadol weening process myself and it SUCKS. Feel better soon!

  7. I’m sorry you feel like crap. I stayed home today due to Bridesmaids syndrome. If you ‘ve seen the movie you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you need to see it!

  8. They changed the Nyquil formula. It doesn’t work nearly so well. I can’t take the stuff, it makes me gag; all cough syrups do. I love the innovation of the gel-cap.

    I want a fainting couch. I totally have room for it in my bedroom. Near the fireplace. Yes, I said fireplace, in my bedroom. It’s on the wall shared by the bathroom with my jacuzzi tub. It’s ok to hate me. I have room for visitors in the pool house….

  9. My parents did not like to give me American medicine. They thought it was made with devils and poison, designed to make us sicker so that doctors could make more money. Instead, I got fried tomatoes rubbed into the soles of feet, and if we had it, I was given something called a Mejoralito. It’s this pink pill that you dissolve on a spoon with a few drops of water. It tastes like nothing but sugar, yet within hours you are 100% better. I don’t want to know what’s in it. It works and that’s all that matters.

  10. Feel better, my dear. I’ve had 2 migraines in my life (and yes, I consider myself extremely lucky, my mom & sister both have/had them often) and they suck balls. I can’t even imagine what you’re dealing with.

  11. My favorite part of Nyquil, and all liquid medicine, is the flavor. I mean why even bother calling it cherry. It’s not cherry! Cherry is sugary and sweet and belongs in pie. That flavoring tastes like shit and belongs in the trash. Gag.

  12. Yeah, so I read the first line as you having a farting couch in your room…hard to recover from that. Sorry you feel like Satan’s asshole.

  13. I could use a fainting couch myself. As of Monday I am victim to an awful cold, no time off, and two kids. If I fainted at least I can’t be blamed for falling asleep on duty right!

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