People who use “alot” rather than “a lot” will be banished to a small island where they will be forced to listen to the collective works of Captain and Tennile until they can demonstrate that they know that “a lot” is not, has never been, and never will be one motherfucking word.
Comic Sans will be banned to the alot island for being the stupidest looking fucking font, ever.
The commercial that begins “I have genital herpes….and I don’t!!” will be burned for all of the times it’s made me choke on my breakfast cereal because I then had to spend the rest of the day thinking about diseased genitals. STD’s aren’t something we should be ashamed of. Commercials that make me think of weeping sores are.
People who write blogs like Mommy Wants Vodka shall be exiled to star in erectile dysfunction commercials.
Any commercial that tells me to “have a happy period” should be forced to donate all profits to women’s shelters around the world. No one has a “happy period.” Even all those times I was like, “WOO HOO! GOT MAH PERIOD! I’M NOT KNOCKED UP!” It lasted for .04 seconds until I was all, “oh…my period. Ew.”
The word “Hubby” will be banished from the English Language for being too cutesy and making me nauseous.
All email programs will come with a Passive-Aggressive filter, and any that have a passive-aggressive tone will be immediately sent to cyber trash.
The Braggy Facebook Status Offenders shall be banished to MySpace.
The DMV will stop requiring a goat, three pails of milk and a kidney to renew your driver’s license.
All government employees will have to be polite and courteous or they will have their sassy mullets shaved as punishment.
Naptime shall be mandatory for every single person, every day of the week.
Pants will be optional.
Narcotics shall be manufactured to be non-addictive.
Anyone who regularly uses corporate speak with buzz-words shall be banished with the “alot” people to the very same island.
Mayonnaise* and thousand island dressing shall be napalmed off the planet for being an abomination.
Random ZOMBIE ATTACK! Drills shall be practiced.
The entertainment industry will stop making vampire-related movies and television shows. The trend is kinda played out, people.
Email programs will come with a “translate” feature allowing you to translate your email into:
- LOL! Cats
- Porn Speak
- Old Englishe
- Cheech and Chong
Richard Simmons shall be the national mascot.
Gladiators will make a fierce comeback.
Apple will make all of its products affordable to everyone.
All internet reference sites will have to be reputable with credible sources used as references for any statements said as facts.
People will stop arguing about breast v bottle feeding because they will finally realize that it’s really fucking boring.
APA format will be blown off the scholastic map. Or an actual reference guide will be invented.
*You Lovers of Mayo win. I won’t ban it.
Your turn, Pranksters. What will you mandate when YOU rule the world?