My family is big on traditions. Probably not the same ones that your family practices because, well, unless they make Shwetty Balls* for Christmas, it’s likely that ours may be unique to our twisted family. One of the more innocuous ones happens to be the Chicago Auto Show, which comes to town every February like clockwork, and like a well oiled machine, some members of my family always go.

It’s mandatory for some, optional for others.

Members of my family have braved blizzards, ice storms and power outages to make it out for the auto show. It’s just that important. I’m surprised that Mr. (Dr.?) Darwin doesn’t have something to say about that, but let’s just leave it at stupidity clearly being genetic a genetic trait and move on.

As for me, like my parents anniversary, which has always ended in disaster one way or another, I tend to keep it OFF my calendar because Something always comes up. That Something changes year to year, but it’s safe to say that I’ll probably never get to go again. And not, like you may imagine, because I want to avoid it.

I do happen to have a vagina and I do happen to like both power tools and cars, and the auto show is always a blast. But many years ago now when I was 16 or 17–before I was cursed–I went with my father and my uncle out to McCormick place and oogled cars at the Auto Show.

Nothing like looking at cars can make a person work up an appetite, so afterwards, we traditionally go to China Town for lunch/dinner (linner?). It’s been awhile since I’ve gone but I’d bet you that there’s a traditional restaurant they eat at every year as well.

The year I’m talking about, though, it was just my uncle, my father and I that went. My brother was off being Continental and/or Worldly and I was just pumped to be able to take a day off from high school where I didn’t have to have one of my friends call me in. And going to China Town had a specific mission for me: I wanted a Kimono top.

(don’t judge)

(stop judging)

(seriously, knock that judgey shit OFF, I was COOL)

(shut UP)

My uncle had begged off, perhaps to go meet up with one of his motor head buddies–he’s an AVID Corvette Guy, which should mean something if you know any other Corvette People–so it was just my dad and I together in the store.

My father, I must explain, is one of the most modest people about the human body that I’ve ever met. I was an OOPS baby, I have an MUCH older brother, and I’d be willing to bet that my father had never imagined having a daughter, much less have to deal with her when she grew boobs.

As a teenager, whenever I’d pop back downstairs on the way back to bed in an oversized shirt (nothing, I should add was hanging out), he’d scream, “ACK, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, REBECCA!” Then he would cover his eyes dramatically and refuse to open them again until I went upstairs.

And they say drama doesn’t run in families. (don’t they?)

He’d carry on whenever I was nursing one of the babies like I was flagrantly prancing about the room in pasties and a g-string trying to give my relatives a lap dance, and it’s grown to be sort of a joke.

But the fact that I had boobies now made him uncomfortable, and while I certainly didn’t really worry about my dad seeing me in my bra since he had, at one point–although, I should mention, not for many years–changed my poopy drawers, I respected that.

So he stood very uncomfortably at the front of the woman’s clothing boutique in China Town while the owner, a very nice lady, was trying to fit my decidedly Western shaped frame (which, doesn’t Western-shaped give you the mental picture of a cowboy boot or the state of Texas? Because it does me) into a Kimono top. I probably tried on 10 or 15 until I found one that didn’t make me look stupid.

(shut UP)

I told her I’d take it, the beautiful dark blue silk shirt with those crazy-cool clasps at the neck, and she took it up front to the register to ring it up. I finished piling my layers of winter clothes back on and carefully made my way back to the front of the store. I had to contort myself into all kinds of odd angles to get past the wall-to-wall racks of clothes, but finally there I was, at the front of the store.

My dad looked relieved and somewhat red-eyed from the incense that was filling the room with sweet smelling acrid smoke and he whipped out his wallet and handed me some bills.

I went up to the register, where the lady had packed my new shirt into a plastic bag adorned with the store’s logo on it and looked at my total. As I was combining bills to pay her, she leaned forward, conspiratorially about to tell me something. Wondering if she was going to mention that she had an excellent supply of either opium or switchblades, I leaned it too.

“So,” she began, quietly but excited. “Is that your boyfriend?” Hand to God, she gave me a wink as she said boyfriend. She said it with unabashed glee, like a gossipy girlfriend who is about to tell you HOW FUCKING LUCKY YOU ARE to be dating the quarterback, because, like, he’s SO hot.

My mouth flopped open like a carp and I gaped openly at her. My BOYFRIEND?

“No,” I caught my tongue. “He’s NOT my boyfriend. He’s my father.”

She stared at me, I stared back and quickly paid. I guess there’s nothing like finding out that someone thinks that you’re

a) 20 years older than you are

b) that your father is 20 years younger than he was

3) People my age could actually manage to date guys my dad’s age.

I’m pretty sure when I loudly told him this as we left the store, that the remaining half of his hair just went made a FUUUMP sound and all popped out of their follicles in one big bang. Had I been in the process of balding myself, I have a feeling my follicles would have let ‘em go too.

What I didn’t tell the shopkeeper was if I’d genuinely had a sugar daddy, I’d have insisted he take me to the Prada store, not some cheap shop in China Town. But that seemed kind of awkward and rude.

Unlike, of course, telling her that he was my father.

Now YOUR turn, Internet, come sit next to Aunt Becky here on the couch *pats seat.* I am on the edge of my proverbial seat here, itching to know what you are going to come up with.

Well, I’m not technically ITCHING but, you know.

*beats “no cowbell” for best SNL skit by a mile

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

77 Responses to When “He’s My Father” Makes Everyone Feel Awkward

  • GingerB says:

    First! I am first!

    I think you should be an Auto Show model with your classy sparkly phone and scanty clothing. I think there is a toy with me post in the making.

  • Janie Woods says:

    FOMCLMAO!! OMFG!! I nearly peed myself here! You, you I love!!! *thud

  • Emilie says:

    I *so* agree about the Schweaty Balls skit. I feel like I’ve found a kindred spirit. Nobody really knows why I say “good times” a lot. I wish they understood the hilarity of it all.

    Are you getting much use out of your Gazelle these days?

  • Brenda says:

    Ughh awkward!!! I feel ya. I think sometimes people think my dad is my boyfriend, when we go out to dinner or something. I’m 26 and he’s a goodlooking 47 year old. When I get the suspicion that that’s what people are thinking, I make it a point to call him daddy as loudly and as often as possible! The though really makes me sick. Usually it’s slutty women trying to flirt with him.

  • carissajaded says:

    I’m laughing my ass off at this post Aunt Becky!!! Oh my lord, I would die if someone thought my dad was my boyfriend. Though when I was in high school I threw a keg party… My dad was busy filling up cups of beer and pouring them out when a group of guys went over to him thinking he was a high school student. They accused him of not paying and tried to start a fight with him. I had to break it up…. That was pretty awkward! But not nearly as awkward as your situation!!

  • LOL! I’ve got nothing on that front personally but my dad has one. He drove me to Mayhem’s 1 week check up because I wasn’t allowed to drive yet. He and I and Mayhem sat in the Family Practice waiting room for a bit, then they called us back. Dad stayed in the lobby. The doc checked out Mayhem & then, because I was having some ‘issues’ with healing of my lady parts, she had the nurse take Mayhem back out to my dad while I got up in the stirrups. The nurse and apparently a couple other people all congratulated my dad on what a healthy son he had.
    My dad was 66 at the time.

  • Fran says:

    A few years ago when my oldest was my only child and about to turn 2, my husband and I were moving from Georgia to Texas. Hub had to make a side trip to Kansas so my Dad came to Georgia to drive the kid and I. We stopped for the night in Baton Rouge at a Motel 6. Dad went in to get the room. The next morning I went in to return the key and pay the bill and the guy at the counter was kinda leering at me in a creepy way with this weird smile on his face. When I got back to the truck I told my dad about it and he said, “Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you what happened when I checked us in last night. I told the guy I needed a room and he looked out to the truck and said, ‘For the whole night?’” Then my dad laughed his ass off for about 30 minutes. So basically the motel guy thought we were there for a quickie or something and was impressed when we didn’t leave until the next morning.

  • Melme says:

    First, I always wanted a kimono style something, be it dress or shirt, so I feel you there.

    And second, people that didn’t know us always used to assume that my brother and I were dating. Maybe that’s cause we made out all the time… TOTALLY KIDDING!! I just remember my brother had been going to this church for a while when I had just graduated from high school and kept begging me to go with him. “They have a really cool youth group!” So, I caved and went. At least ten people that night asked “Are you Chris’ girlfriend?” I wanted to die!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Oh I love this story. Sadly, the closest I come to it is when the idiot age guessing specialist at the state fair thought my hubby was my father.

  • MoranChick says:

    The description of the remainder of your dad’s hair falling out is HILARIOUS. As is the whole narrative. And, since I am currently hopped up on painkillers (Fiorinal FTW!), when I read “ACK, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, REBECCA!” my first thought was, “Rebecca? Wait, who’s Rebec–oh. Right.” *facepalm*

    I have wanted to go to an auto show for years, and somehow it never actually happens. Someday! (I don’t know shit about cars, really, but I luuuvs me some vintage muscle cars. Mrowr.)

    And this is totally from ages ago, but since I am rambling anyway: OMG, you played the CELLO?? Your awesomeness just ratcheted up like a million percent! (And you were totally awesome before.) (Former cellist here, too, though I never got to tour Europe, just some North American music festivals.) And that’s so wonderful that Ben is so into music. (Is he a cellist too?) When I was in third grade we could start on a stringed instrument, and they brought in a violin, viola, and cello to show us our options, and I took one look at the cello and said, I want to play THAT one. I wanted to take it home right then and there. (I had to wait, naturally, but I finally got one.)

    There are way too many parentheses in that paragraph. I will stop now while I am still making a modicum of sense.

  • Cara says:

    When I was about 20, my grandfather decided to start planning for the inevitable future and went to purchase a plot and casket. He ended up dating the girl who handled the sale. She was 19.

  • I think it’s rather charming.

  • Zakary says:

    Oh my lord, Cara wins this contest.

    And I want the kimono outfit to wear as pajamas, but no one ever takes me seriously.

  • Lexi says:

    What, no picture of the kimono top? ::sigh::

  • Nyx says:

    Wow.

    Why does all the crazy shit always happen to you?

    I too have a vagina and love car shows. Also…kimono top?

    *judge*

  • MommyNamedApril says:

    hahaha… even better? my dad and i used to go power walking around our neighborhood in the evenings when i was in high school. now, when i was 16 i was quite thin and had pretty decent legs. so of *course* wearing shorts that were longer than my underwear was not an option.

    anyways, inevitably we’d run into a neighbor or a patient of his (he’s an eye doctor), usually say hi for a minute and then carry on.

    one of these times we ran into a patient and my dad started chatting with him. after about a minute the guy asked my dad to introduce him to his ‘lady-friend’ (i know, wtf?).

    So without skipping a beat, my dad says ‘oh! sorry, this is my wife, April!’ (really weird look from the guy…) (i didn’t say anything, thinking… hello, OBVIOUS slip of the tongue!)

    So the guy then says, “REALLY?, how old is she???”

    To which my dad obediently replied, “She’s about to turn 17! Can you believe that?!”

    The guy laughed and said something along the lines of ‘Whatever floats your boat’ … while I stood there in stunned silence and my dad looked seriously confused.

    Later that night my dad commented about what a weird reaction the patient had when he introduced me and I finally told him why. LOL.

    Hope that story made sense… I’m not much of a writer :-/

  • gaylin says:

    I used to work as a laborer in a pulp mill (total skut work) where my father was a millwright. One day one of the other girls was going on and on about what a babe she was working with and he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring and how hot he was etc.
    Yep, my dad. Millwrights weren’t allowed to wear rings in case of crushing injuries, not to try to pick up horny girls half their age in hard hats.

  • amie says:

    I probably would have wanted that kimono top too cause I was cool like that. I went through a phase where I thought wearing blazers was cool too. Now that is embarrassing.

  • mepsipax says:

    Wow.. that is fucking hilarious.
    Not as amusing but one time I was at Disneyland with my son and mom.
    I was pushing my son in the stroller and we were on the elevator when this nice old woman looked over and said. Aren’t you a sweet older brother.
    I got all indignant and shit. Ain’t you heard of teen pregnancies?
    Ok, I didn’t say that… but I wanted to. Shit, now I am happy I look young.

  • ROFLMAO!! But, seriously, why can’t people just stfu??? I have a much younger boyfriend and someone once thought I was his MOM. I just about died because I’m barely 30. Barely. Ok fine he’s 22 but STILL.

    I promptly went to forever 21 and spent way too much on things that were pure crap, just to dress younger, I’m ashamed to admit…

  • Liza says:

    Ahhh, AB… great writing… Mahalo for the laughs.

    I too am a child of an older male. Dad was 39 when I was born… Mom was 40, mind you. I was told in kindergarden that I “must have been adopted” since my mother was so old. The cruel things kids say… which mimic their petty parents.

    Anyway, keep on !

    BTW – The orchid in the front yard is almost done blooming for the winter.

    • Coleen says:

      Me, too! My mom was 40 and my dad was 47 when I was born. I remember going to a movie with my dad when I was about 5 and the lady who gave me the popcorn said “Are you having a fun day out with Grandpa?” My little 5 year old head exploded and I screamed “THAT’S MY DADDY!” and stormed off. She was embarassed, but I was super pissed!

  • Paperdiva says:

    that story has awkward written all over it!
    A few years back I went somewhere with my Dad (don’t remember where) and he grabbed my hand as we squeezed thru a crowd. It occured to me a few minutes later that some people would think we were dating, or worse, DOING IT.
    That’s enough to kill any happy endorphins!

  • monique says:

    Ok. So a few of us were out at a bar. One of my friends showed up with her dad (yay! He pays!) and her sister who is 5 years younger. So younger sister is talking to some guy and he motions across the bar to where her dad and sister are talking and he asks little sister, “So is that your mom and dad?”

    Doh! Poor 30 year old older sister was mistaken for 25 year olds mother!!

  • Maniacal Mom
    Twitter: Maniacalmom
    says:

    That is HEEE-LARRY-OUS!
    OMG! I bet that woman was just dumbstruck! some people have no tact and can’t just stfu!
    I remember when I was 20ish something…I am only 5’1, maybe 5’2″ and went to the zoo with my very tall boyfriend…6’2″
    The woman at the entry booth rang up our entrance, and being the high strung A type personality I am…the math didn’t add up so I asked for a receipt…why was it $5 less than I thought…1 adult, 1 child. Had I been a wiser woman at the time, I would have laughed my ass off and called her a dumb bitch behind her back…but no sirreeee! I marched my high heeled naugahide boots back over to her, shoved the receipt inside her window and asked her why shd didn’t bother to ask if I WAS a child’s admission!!! I AM NOT under 12 LADY!!! Coughed up the $5 and stomped my way through the zoo! What an idiot!!! I coulda bought the XTRA SUPER LARGE Cola AND Popcorn had I taken it as a compliment rather than a slight on my character!

  • I would have thought that kimono top was the bomb. For reals. But I used to think that I could pull of wearing pajamas as regular clothes. Outside of the house. And that I looked cool doing it.

  • Amanda says:

    Another amazingly written blog! I SO look forward to your posts… and actually do read them… not just a skim-through. Hmmm… Skim-through, doesn’t that sound like it could be some sex act? Hahaha… I’m using it.

  • 3xE says:

    My dad’s the older guy who’s always dating younger women, and always short-term things. When He turned 42, I called to remind him he was officially twice the legal drinking age. I called him when I turned 21 to remind him that I was officially older than his hook-ups. Maybe I’m not a great daughter, but I have one heck of a drinking buddy.

    Also, on my Austin trip my sister and I totally bedazzled my puppy dog luggage tags. How jealous are you?

  • Rebecca says:

    My daughter thinks that when she gets in kindergarten if there are other kids in her class with the same name, to help end confusion everyone should just call her “Royal Princess Isabella”. Works for me!

    The only thing I can think of right now……Loved the post!

  • Melissa says:

    Is this a repost? Seems like a familiar story lol.

    The Badass Geek contest?

  • Laura says:

    Your poor dad!!!!!!!!!!

    When I was in the 6th grade my mom came with us on a Field Trip. We got to school early and we were waiting outside. Everybody knew my mom, but on this day she was wearing black sunglasses, jean jacket and shorts and my friend, a boy, starting telling this inappropriate joke.

    It was vulgar and he was swearing and slowly my mom pulled off her glasses and started laughing. I thought the boy was going to die. He said she looked like a kid.

    OH – she is still happy about that!!!

  • MamaOtwins+1 says:

    I know all about the auto show, it appears here in April and in October like clockwork. I married a Chevrolet man so I know about those corvette peope too.
    But as to avoid all the formentioned embarrasment, I stay home.

  • Jennifer B says:

    Well I once went with my SIL to her OB/GYN appt so I could help with her 2 kids. The lady at the desk assumed I was the mother and my SIL was the grandmother. I was like 29 & my SIL was 37ish.. She was very VERY pissed off and has never forgotten about it, especially since some lady in Target also made a similar comment. I know I look young and all, but that was weird. Not an exciting or funny story I guess, oh well, it’s all I got. Yours was way better, but then, you win at life, AB.

  • Miss Spoken says:

    I’m probably repeating myself but once a guy told me and my sister that we made a great couple (or maybe he just said that he wanted to see us tongue kiss). He was homeless and fondling himself. Then he threw an orange at us.

  • The only thing I have that remotely comes close to this, is about 2 years ago, myself, hubs, and our 2 kids were shopping with his mom and little sister, who was 7 at the time and the sales lady kept asking my 45 year old mother in law if she wanted the senior citizen’s discount.

    And she asked repeatedly. And then admitted she thought that I was her daughter, and that all three kids were mine, even though she thought I might have only been 22. Which would have had me pregnant at 15, 17, and 18, and made my poor mother in law 62 instead of 45.

  • Suzy Voices says:

    I have the same story! Except with no kimono top or car show. But it was at an air show! I was THIRTEEN for God’s sake! My dad and I were at a get-together and this chick we were talking to said “I just have to ask, are you too newlyweds? You can’t have been married too long to be hugging each other so much.” EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

  • Gloria says:

    Did you tell this story before?

  • Kate says:

    I am laughing my head off here!!!! Oh, how embarrassing and good lord, was that clerk a MORON??? I doubt she thought you were 20 years older. She probably thought you just liked older guys and your dad was a cradle robber. Still, blech!!!

    I don’t have any story like that, unfortunately. I do want to tell you, though, that I changed my blog address (due to issues with family after posting on VU), so you can resubscribe if’n ya wanna.

  • Brianna says:

    Oh, let’s see…

    My mom’s parents had three girls, but my grandfather (being the traditional kinda guy he is) never got comfy with the teenage girl thing. Thankfully for his tender sensibilities, he traveled extensively as a salesperson when most of the upheavals happened (getting a period, growing boobs, etc.) so he never really had to deal with them.

    His three girls spawned five girls of their own (and a number of boys, but that’s irrelevant to this story) and since he’d retired long before most of us made it to teenage-hood (shut up, it’s a word) he got stuck one unfortunate summer with my stupid ass when I forgot to pack enough pads, and my grandmother wasn’t home. Bwuahahahaha.

    I came out of the bathroom all awkward-like, tracked him down (it wasn’t hard, he’s almost always in the yard or in front of some sort of screen… tv, computer, whatever) and told him I needed him to take me to the store. Being male, he asked four billion questions about why we needed to go, why RIGHT NOW, couldn’t it wait till Gram got home… and the best one, “Well what the hell is so important?” When I told him I needed pads, I got the blankest look in human history.

    I think he was trying to figure out what kind of pads. Or his brain was imploding trying to block out the obvious. But when he didn’t answer me, I explained further that I was on my period and had just run out. If we didn’t go NOW, it would get messy. I’m pretty sure a part of him died right then and there. He didn’t speak to me as he got his hat, coat, and keys. And by the time we got to the store, I thought he was going to bash his head into the dashboard. (Is it bad I chuckle as I remember this?) He handed me money, told me he’d park down that row over there, and I should come find him when I was done.

    I don’t think he ever realized he handed me a fifty. O.o

  • Faith says:

    I have just the opposite problem. 2 Quick Stories:
    When we were living together in CA, we took up racquetball. I was 20, he was 23. While waiting for the credit card to go through, the cashier looked at me, looked at my husband, and said, “So, you going to play racquetball with your dad?”. To which my husband replied, “She’s my WIFE”. Never seen a person turn so red in embarrassment!
    2nd Story: this past summer we drove from CT to CO to go to my sister in law’s wedding – me (age 40), my husband (age 43), and 16 yr old son. On the drive back, we stop at a fireworks place. Hubby and Son are having tons of fun picking out stuff and send me to the car to make room for the boxes and boxes of stuff they are buying. As I am out in the parking lot, the cashier says to my husband – “Your daughter must be mad at me for selling you so much stuff!”

  • Kelly says:

    I took my girls to the dentist yesterday, and they called back Mea, the 3 year old first. They came and got Mack, the 17 year old one, a little bit later. I couldn’t see this go down, but heard the dentist walk Mea to Mack’s room, telling her they were going to find her Mommy. He walked into the room, saying here’s your Mommy….Mea hollars that’s MY SISTER, and the dentist said, well technically you could’ve been her mom, to Mack. She said UM, NO. Very loudly. I think the dentist got schooled…

  • Heather says:

    FYI: It’s “lupper”. Just ask Homer Simpson.

    My mom and I once overheard people trying to figure out if we were a lesbian couple.

  • Andrea says:

    OMG — we DO make shwetty balls for Christmas!

  • mysteryj says:

    Family parties: Every year my Aunt has a family get together on the 4th of July. It is the Annual Barbecue. She did not own a grill, but that’s what we called it. As a teen-ager, I stopped going, but after I got married I wanted my family and husband to get to know each other better. I could not have found better entertainment anywhere else. My second cousin, the Nun, came. My other cousin, was there too in her bikini top and SHORT shorts. Her “born again” brother and his wife arrived. Another cousin, bought her black boyfriend. My uncle, who is so disgustingly racist that I am surprised he hadn’t been murdered was ready to start up. It was three o’clock in the afternoon, everyone was already drunk and there were kids running around everywhere squirting water at each other. Luckily my aunt grabbed my uncle and read him the riot act about how he’d better behave himself. I wound up having a great time. My relatives are so damn funny when they’re drunk. Or maybe I felt that way after I had a few.

  • carrmah says:

    I enjoyed your blog. thanks.

  • Dot says:

    Sweet of him to buy it for you. (Psst, who’s your daddy?) ;-)

  • LMAO! That’s hilarious!

    My dad’s side of the family ALSO has an Auto Show tradition! But in Toronto, in January! My dad and uncle started going with my grandpa and great-grandpa many years ago; then it was my grandma, dad, uncle and my brother and cousin (it’s always just the guys). Every year for Christmas my grandpa would give them all their Auto Show tickets. My grandpa had a heart attack a couple of years ago though (he’s okay, but he needed some healing time) and my bro and cousin are 21 now, so the tradition sort of stopped when they were Too Cool For Family Stuff Teeangers, but I can see my dad and uncle still going maybe in the years to come.

    I don’t have any embarrassing Dad stories — but there was one time two summers ago that my then 18-year-old brother’s friend thought I was his girlfriend (I was 22 at the time). Miles and I were in the mall together, and his buddy was like, “Hey, is that your girlfriend, wink wink wink wink nudge” behind my back… and suddenly I just hear my brother go, “OH GOD. GROSS. SHE’S MY SISTER!”.

    I said — “Well, wouldn’t you look like a stud if you were dating someone four years older than you?”

    He said — “Nope, I’d judge the girl, frankly.” HA!

    • LMAO! That’s hilarious!

      My dad’s side of the family ALSO has an Auto Show tradition! But in Toronto, in January! My dad and uncle started going with my grandpa and great-grandpa many years ago; then it was my grandpa, dad, uncle and my brother and cousin (it’s always just the guys). Every year for Christmas my grandpa would give them all their Auto Show tickets. My grandpa had a heart attack a couple of years ago though (he’s okay, but he needed some healing time) and my bro and cousin are 21 now, so the tradition sort of stopped when they were Too Cool For Family Stuff Teeangers, but I can see my dad and uncle still going maybe in the years to come.

      I don’t have any embarrassing Dad stories — but there was one time two summers ago that my then 18-year-old brother’s friend thought I was his girlfriend (I was 22 at the time). Miles and I were in the mall together, and his buddy was like, “Hey, is that your girlfriend, wink wink wink wink nudge” behind my back… and suddenly I just hear my brother go, “OH GOD. GROSS. SHE’S MY SISTER!”.

      I said — “Well, wouldn’t you look like a stud if you were dating someone four years older than you?”

      He said — “Nope, I’d judge the girl, frankly.” HA!

  • Whoa… um… I did something weird there… can you erase one of my replies above (if you have that ability). OR! OR! Just at least ignore the stupidity.

  • That is freaking hilarious … not sure if I can recall anything that funny upon demand thogh :D

  • Siera says:

    This reminded of when I got my step-dad hot sauce for Christmas one year. He’s a bit of a hot sauce connoisseur in a Larry The Cable Guy kind of way. The goal is to make him winch as we all thought he’d fried his taste buds long ago. It wasn’t the first time I’d bought him hot sauce but the 1st time anyone got a reaction out of him.

    The 4 of us were sitting down to a ham dinner my mom, step-dad, brother and I. He slathers his ham in hot sauce. The next thing I see if tears forming in his eyes and a sound that can only be described as a cross between a yelp and grunt. He managed to choke out the words “I have sweat on my balls.”

    My mom answered “Forgive him Lord for he knows not what he says.”

    I did good.

  • Alex says:

    My father would generally find a newspaper to read while i tried on clothes in junior high. My mother detested taking me shopping- I was a royal bitch. God forbid my daughter ever treat me that way. Humph. He seemed to think that the answer to taking me (his overweight adolescent who would rather have hidden at home with a box of girl scout cookies than EVER look in a dressing room mirror) was to take me to one of those dress boutiques where the women sort of put you in a room and cluck and bring you countless things to try on. Misery. They would put me in puffy ridiculous shit and he would sort of nod and mumble when really needed to be RESCUED!

    Fast forward 20 years or so (the cookie gorging pubescent girl wearing size 16 is now replaced by a normal “western body.”) to my running partner. He’s about 15 years older than I am. He’s also a very macho swaggering cop with a tom selleck moustache. For reals. No kidding. It’s kind of hilarious to see him stride around. and to make it worse he’s balding. badly. and one time when we were running the wind picked up his comb over and it was flopping around. i didn’t get a picture.

    but he’s REALLY sweet and a good training partner because he always shows up.

    anyway, we were running a trail marathon one time and some lady came up to us and said, “oh how cute. i love it when i see fathers and daughters running together.”

    I laughed my ass off.

  • So…Freaking…Funny! LMFAO! However, Kimono shirts are so cool. I still wish I could find one that would fit my ginormous chest. *sigh*

  • Cat says:

    For a while people would assume my dad and I were “together.” Then his third wife was my age, and everyone assumed he was out with his daughters. His current wife is halfway between us age-wise and has a 4 year old, so when they, my son and I go out together, we most resemble a polygamous family.

  • Will says:

    I hang out with my Mom on a pretty regular basis. She’s fun, and she’s as much a friend as she is Mom. But the other day she and I went to a bar to play some trivia. While we were outside having a smoke, apparently a few people asked the trivia host (a friend of ours) if I was her date. I wasn’t sure what to tell them first when I found out about this – that I was gay, or that she was my Mom?

    Just a few months prior, the same friend (said trivia host) was asked by another bartender (we actually do hang out at places that are not bars – from time to time) what our relationship was.

    I think that either I need to become apparently gay when we’re out, (as I’m not very feminine, and I certainly don’t dress as well as my few gay friends) or we need to wear signs.

    Awesome blog today!

  • Mary K says:

    it’s called “lunner”…here’s an educational video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nPE6EiQGBA

  • *gigglesnort*

    I’m still in tears laughing about the schwetty balls… omg I LOOOOVE that skit!! totally kicks “cowbell’s” ass!!!

    worst moment EVER for me… my father and I went out to a hockey game and then over to a bar for a couple beer- just happened to be a strip club- the owner of which is a family friend- and the beer on tap was cheap and good, and we could usually get a round on the house. Well anyhoo… I was loudly embarrassing my father by making a complete ass of myself with the strippers… all in good fun of course… until one of them invited my father and I back to her hotel room for a threesome….

    *barf*

    I shut my fool mouth, chugged my beer and ran like my ass was on fire out of there!!

  • Hubby (41) took the 13 year old girl, the 8 year old boy, and the 3 year old boy to Wal-Mart a while back one day while I was working. Evidently the greeter looked at my adorable 3 year old boy and his BIG SISTER and said to him, “Awww, you look just like your mom!”. The teenager was horrified! She just couldn’t decide if it was because a. people thought that she looked ‘that old’ (thanks a lot kid), or b. because they thought her dad was Pervy McPerverson. I had to say it: “You know that means she thought that Brother (8) was your son too” *cue screaming teenager*.
    Don’t judge me. That shit was funny. And payback is hell. Old. Hmpfh.
    You kids get off my lawn!

  • pamela says:

    i was totally waiting for a pic of that top..

    you know i was at the mall one day and i went into this oriental? store that had a bunch of stuff. kimono tops. chopsticks for your hair (i totally used them for eating) and i bought this dress. 60 dollars. for a dress Ive never worn only tried on. Anyway what was I saying?

  • Maureen says:

    Same story flipped, just out of college, won Celtics tickets at work, thought it would be nice to take my Dad. A coworker of his saw us on TV and thought he was cheating on my Mom, would not believe that I was his kid. Told him not to get such great seats next time. Dad thought it was hysterical.

  • *jen says:

    No. It does not beat More Cowbells, but it is one funny ass skit. In my top three with the aforementioned bells and Choppin’ Broccoli.

    The end.

  • Diana says:

    My husband and I got married on the beach. Next day, everyone is out vegging and enjoying the hangover and my dad (from whom I inherited my love of tequila) and I go for margarita refills from the beach vendor. I tell Mr. Margarita Vendor to add whipped cream and a cherry to my husband’s b/c emasculating your new husband is funny, right? Mr Margarita vendor points to my dad and says ‘Is this your husband?’ Umm, no. And, gross. Extra disturbing because my dad and I look very much alike. *shudder*

  • Dawn says:

    Gah. Ack Ack ACK!!!

    My father-in-law (20 years older, looked like a bigger gap because of his obesity and unhealthy lifestyle) and I took my two children, aged 2 and 6 and two of his other grandchildren, aged 12 and 15 to the mall. As we were buying them ice cream, the clerk made some comment about “your lovely family” and referred to him as my husband.

    To my credit, I did not gag audibly. But. Eeeeew. Just eeeeewwwww…

  • Dawn says:

    Liza’s comment reminded me …

    My parents were in their early 40s when they had me. I cannot TELL you the number of times people would ask if my parents were my grandparents. And they looked at least 10 years younger than they really were.

  • soccermom says:

    Wow, I don’t know where to start. The auto show, the shopping with dad, or the Kimono shirt. I’ll just leave it at your lead such a “intersting” lifestyle.

    No, for real my whole family was forced to go to the boat show every year, so that my parents could check out the newer-bigger boats. Why this required the whole freakin family to go, I do not know. It’s not like the kids got a choice in which damn boat they bought.

  • That was awkweird! I had a moment like that when I was pregnant with my daughter. My dad had to pick me up from my sugar test since I was all dizzy and yucky. People treated us like we were a couple. Weird and gross!!

  • Kim T. says:

    My dad is 26 years older than I am and while he is a good looking/in shape man for his age he definitely looks like he is a 50 year old man. A few months ago we were at a basketball game together and they did that thing during a time out where they scan the audience and play “kiss the girl”. Yeah – it’s a great time for everyone, until your face is on the big screen, next to your dads. After clearly mouthing to the camera guy that this WAS MY DAD, I politely kissed him on the cheek and flipped off the camera guy.

  • Staci says:

    Ok, I have really good one. I had just had foot surgery and my husband had to drive me to the doctor. We were sitting in the waiting room with an elderly gentleman. This man looks at me and says “what happened ,did he kick you?” I just laughed. Then he said, “no, your dad doesn’t look that mean!” It was all I could do to keep from bursting out in laughter. My husband just got a dirty look on face and I smiled at the man. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings because he was old. I love this story and my husband hates it, but every once in a while I call him dad.

  • Lucy says:

    I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Lucy

    http://businesseshome.net

  • Christina says:

    I recently had the opposite happen. Last fall my husband, who is 10 years older than me, went into a local hospital for surgery. Once they got him settled in pre-op the nurse came to get me and said, and I quote, “You can go see your father now.”. I replied, “He’s my husband.” Yeah, she felt stoopid. Now I know that 1) I look younger than I am and 2) he looks older than he is but FATHER?! So not right.

  • Jamie says:

    my father was 42 years old when i was born, so i spent my whole life explaining to people that he was my dad, not my grandfather. he would be happy if one day, someone though he was my boyfriend. your dad should have seen that as a compliment!

  • CAMS says:

    My Dad and I would always go to a local restaurant/bar where they have an awesome outside bar, the coldest beers and a fun comedy show. Apparently, since my mother rarely joined us, the staff thought my Dad and I were “together” for the longest time! Eewww! I guess they figured it out when just my Mom and Dad went one night when I had to work, and admitted what they thought to my Dad! Awkward! I’m so glad I wasn’t there!

  • Classic. WHen my dad and I go out together he often wears his U of I law polo because he’s so proud of me and my lawyering license. He ALWAYS gets asked if he’s a lawyer, because he’s distinguished and grey around the temples. I get to chime in and say, No, I am. (the one coraling one dirty long haired 5 year old and one fat baby) The faces are always shocked.

  • A says:

    I am 43 and hubby 47 (as of yesterday). Went to the annual fire fighters Cmas party with our kids.

    Weeks later a fellow FF greets hubby (working at a different hall that night) and asks him if he would mind if he asked his ‘daughter’ out. Hubby replied, “Buddy that was not my daughter, that was my WIFE!”

    How flattering is THAT!? Hubby didn’t think so ;)

  • yunitard says:

    awww i have 2…

    1- i spent my summers with my mom, and she’s only 5 feet tall, so when i was 13 i was already taller than her, and the shopping mall was always an adventure, yep, out with your gf!!! scarring a young teenage boy

    2- my wife and i had our first daughter when we were 17, and we have always been the youngest parents of her class, but when Haeli she was 10, the girls on her softball team asked her if i was her brother, ‘nope that’s my DAD’ , still pretty funny

  • paige furr says:

    Aunt Becky-
    I just found your blog and am perusing your older posts… Just love them!

    My dad story… My parents conceived me when they were 17 and married and had me. That’s what was done in 1970. They promptly divorced and when I was growing up, I didn’t see my father too much, save an occasional father-daughter date.

    When I was a teenager, say 14-ish, Dad took me to Trader-VIc’s. He’s a good looking 32. There is a couple talking about us being a ‘couple’ and Dad wants me to hold his hand and act like we’re a couple!!!

    **REALLY???***

    No, I didn’t play along and was mortified that he would even consider something like that! AKKKK!

    Love your blog!
    -P

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