OMFGBBQ, PRANKSTERS, I MISSED YOU. You don’t even KNOW how much I missed you. I missed you so much that I am actually sitting here, crouched over my computer like a Letter C, in actual pain, because I missed of you and was sad in the pants because I WAS SO VERY ALONE (and lonesome) WITHOUT YOU.

I think that means I’m alive. That, or death looks remarkably like my life.

Since I do not have long in this Letter C position before I pass out from lack of oxygen, I will give you the highlights.

I woke up from The Surgery in the post-op recovery room to someone singing the pina colada sing. If you don’t know it, be glad. (Or, at the very least, know that you’ve probably never sung listened to other people warble bad bar karaoke as much as I have.)

Anyway, I like the song because I am 12 and I have changed the words from, “If you like pina colada’s and dancing in the rain…” to “if you like PENIS COLADA’S and dancing in the rain.” Which is much awesomer, and far more hilarious, BECAUSE GET IT!?! PENIS COLADA!?!

HILARIOUS.

Then I was all, “So, what did the surgeon say?” because frankly, who doesn’t want to know how their motherfucking surgery went? And the nurse was all, “you’ve asked me that four times” like I was an asshole idiot for not remembering that. I mean, hi, POST-OP RECOVERY ROOM. She should have been glad I wasn’t flinging my shit around. Ass.

Still, no one told me about my surgery. For all I knew, I could have gotten a nose job instead. Which I hadn’t wanted.

So, finally, they moved me to my floor, where Dave told me that the surgery went well. I don’t know what that means, suffice to say that they took off 6 pounds of crap, moved a bunch of muscles around and gave me morphine through a button that I could press whenever I wanted. That was more than “well,” but you know.

THEN, I got my roommate. Pranksters, she needed a taco kick because apparently, she’d never heard of the concept of an “inside voice” or “personal space.” The moment I arrived, she began to shriek. Not like, in anguish, just like her normal speaking tone. Bitch couldn’t fucking shut her whore mouth. For four hours. At one point, she was arguing with her mother, talking on the phone AND watching television while inviting her husband to bring her food. At 8 PM. I’d been trying to nap off the surgery for that entire time to no avail. She had no medical reason to be there other than she seemed to enjoy the attention.

It was then when I informed the staff that one of us would be moving.

I must have looked serious because they moved her right away.

Anyway.

I’m home now and while I’d like to say that laying around and recovering is full of the awesome, I’m kind of bored. Also: in some pretty bad pain. I’d describe what I’ve been doing, but primarily it involves “sitting on the couch,” “peeing” and “laying down.” If I had wet paint, I’d be watching it dry. If there was grass growing, I’d be watching that, too.

I’m wearing a binder, which means I can’t eat, which also explains why those ladies in the 1900’s were skinny. Binders = corsets = HOLY SHIT, NO ROOM IN THE INN.

Also, I feel like a cockroach. You never realize how much you use your abs for until they’re all “peace out, asswipe.” If I’m stuck in bed, I’m still stuck there until I’m later retrieved. It’s pretty good punishment, I guess.

Now I’m left to moulder on the couch and debate the true question of the ages: who sang the better version of “Hair of the Dog?”

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

80 Responses to What’s The Going Rate For A Pound of Flesh?

  • drlori71 says:

    I’m glad things went well. Now go eat some Vicodin chip cookies!

  • I’m glad your surgery went well and after the swelling goes down you’re going to have a phucking fabulous flat tummy! That’s worth the pain. I have had 2 abdominal surgeries myself so I know exactly what pain you are in. I think the only pain I have ever felt that was a little worse was the 2nd day after I had my deviated spetum fixed in my nose. That was pretty phucking rough. Relax. Chill out. Let all your muscles and flesh heal up so you can go from a C position back to an L position. You might wanna ask for donations now because I know those phucking tummy tucks cost $15,000. Or at least here they do. *wink*

  • Anna aka Gots2noJohstono says:

    Yay, you’re alive! Boo for your boredom. Totally know how it is. You want my Netflix u/p? I’m sure they won’t figure out you’re in IL and I’m in GA. I’d totally do that for ya. If I didn’t have my 2nd interview tomorrow I’d drive up my complete set of Sex in the City. If you like it, and all. We miss ya, beotch. Heal well. Smooches!

  • habanerogal says:

    Even though there is less of you now I’m sure you’ll be back to your fesity self in no time. Would love to have heard more bad roommate stories but for your sake I’m glad she went away quickly. At least now you can have a good reason not to have pants on for a while

  • Kate says:

    I’m glad your surgery went well. I’ve missed you, too! :)

  • Jenn says:

    Glad you’re doing okay! Sorry about the pain, but thankful (for you) that our society is a fan of doling out pain medication. xoxo

  • Simple Dude says:

    That sucks about sharing the room. Getting your own room in a hospital is about as cool as sex with a model, a plate of bacon and free booze. All in one day.

    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

  • K.C.girl says:

    Yay Aunt Becky liiiiiiives! Awesome. So glad that it went well but the doctors should have let you keep that morphine pump because, well, duh.

    I second that you should make vicodin chip cookies. Or maybe a mudslide with a Vicodin kicker? Anything involving chocolate and pain meds, I’m down.

  • At least they didn’t sew your vagina shut. How would you enjoy Penis Coladas?

    Glad it went well.

    P.S. Send me your corset when you’re done.

  • At least they didn’t sew your vagina shut. How would you enjoy Penis Coladas?

    Glad it went well.

    P.S. Send me your corset when you’re done.

  • Mommynamedapril says:

    Welcome back leader of the pranksters.

  • Mommynamedapril says:

    Welcome back leader of the pranksters.

  • And you are down 6lbs! Bonus!

    I always fear hospital roommates. The last one I had gave me the worst case of bronchitis I ever had.

  • Halala Mama says:

    I thought about you while I was in the car today – I thought it was good that you told us you were having surgery or all of your Internet Pranksters/stalkers would have thought something terrible happened to you! Glad to know you were doing okay and that your afternoon is brought to you by the letter C.

  • Josefina says:

    Hooray! OH, Aunt Becky! I’ve missed you so! So much happened while you were gone (not really but don’t ever leave again)! I’m rethinking your booby surgery now because honestly, this was really hard on me. Okay, so I’ll let you know what I decide.

    Anyway, HA! I bet you are the hottest cockroach EVER. And do you think you need one of those I’ve fallen and I can’t get up thingies? I feel like you might. One of my mom’s friends got stuck in her bathtub for an entire day, and boy, I bet she wished she had one. Or maybe not. I guess it depends how much of an oasis she had made her bathroom during the last remodel. A lesson to us all.

    • Josefina says:

      ps I hope you’ll forgive me for joking about being stuck…it is a very real threat for me at all times (back issues), so joking about it is habitual–it’s how I cope.

  • Andrea says:

    Ooh, yay! You did it! Go Becky! Go morphine!

  • Roccie says:

    The letter C is cracking me up.

    Remember being a Kev Head in the greatest city that starts with the letter C?

    Take it easy.

  • Sarah says:

    Becky,
    I’m glad to hear The Surgery went well…now u can get all snug on the couch (with your bottle of vicodin or percocets), or your bed and demand your kids and husband bring you beverages, food, movies..etc…This is your time to get waited on! LoL
    I’m soo excited for you! Now you have my wheels turning…maybe somehow I can get a tummy tuck…..hmmm…. :D

    Sarah

  • Melissa says:

    Hooray! You live and are awesome. By the way, I always sang penis COLOSSUS. Because who doesnt like GIGANTIC penis?

    Funny story about hospital roommates. When I had my tonsils taken out at age 17 there was a dude I secretly crushed on. When I woke up in my room (didnt wake up in recovery that I remember), HE was there. I was all, “OH GOD, I cant believe you came to see me!! You are so awesome, so cute, GORGEOUS!! I love you!!”

    He was there to see my roommate. His girlfriend. That would have been totally awkward if I didnt have drugs.

  • Bell says:

    So glad you’re back, so not glad you’re in pain.

  • steph gas says:

    welcome back, aunt motherfucking becky. i missed you <3

  • Anne Ardeur says:

    Coming out of lurkerdom to say I’m glad the surgery went well. Sorry to hear about the corset and the pain. You need a vicodin pina colada. So long as no one sings the song.

  • linlah says:

    Thanks for enduring the letter C for me I appreciate the effort.

  • Coleen says:

    I’m glad you’re out! I had spinal surgery when I was 17 and had the morphine button. It was HEAVEN. Did the morphine mess with your senses? My sister brought me flowers and I made my mom put them on the other side of the room because I swore they smelled like bolonga (EW)

    Get well soon!

  • Julia says:

    In the first episode of Samantha Who? she wakes up from her Coma (with Amnesia) and apparently had the Pina Colada song stuck in her head the whole time. Uncanny!

  • Erin says:

    Hi Aunt Becky! I just recently started reading your blog so I was sad to see you go for a few days :( I’m glad your surgery went well and I hope you feel back to 100% very soon!

  • Libby says:

    I want one of those morphine buttons.

    Glad you are okay.

  • gaylin says:

    I missed you too! As my mother used to say about every fucking shitty thing that happened to us when we were kids – this too shall pass. On drugs fer sure.
    I bet if you could find your whore pants, they would fit great now . . .
    Take care – heal fast because healing slow would suck the penis colossus.

    My friend Anne died in a 4 bed hospital room and the asswipe in the bed next to her was a drug-seeking junkie in the hospital for gangrene in his foot injection site. Truly thought about throwing him out a window.

  • I’m still cracking up at penis colada! Fantastic!

    Glad it went well and hope you are feeling better very soon!

    Oh, and I love exclamation points!

  • Casey says:

    Pain is fer sucks, I hope yours goes away soon because you don’t suck.

  • a says:

    Glad to hear you came through surgery OK. What is wrong with the nurse in post-op? Surely she knows that people coming off anesthesia act weird and say odd things. I mean, they usually talk about the things they’ve heard. It’s bad form to be bitchy to the patients – fewer good stories that way. What an idiot.

    Hope you can stretch out comfortably soon, but remember: C is for Cookie and that’s good enough for me!

  • StacieT says:

    Glad things went well! I’m sending speedy healing vibes to you…

  • Katie G says:

    Glad it went well!!

    And I hear ya on the corset. I actually started wearing one to restrict the ability to overeat. Too bad the one I bought was cheap and didn’t bind me very well. But when I wore a slimming body suit UNDER the corset…yea, that did it.

  • Aww. Well, go take some more opiates and fell better! =)

  • And by “fell”, I mean “feel”. Gah.

  • Kristin says:

    YAY I am so glad to have you back I missed you soooooo much!! I wish you were feeling better.
    I LOVE the fact that people sing crazy songs in your recovery rooms I am always alone. No one sings to me. I NEED your life.
    And the nurse what a D-Bag has she never worked with surgery patients before just answer the damn question lady.
    And I’m pretty sure I would have told roommate that one of us is leaving here in a body bag if you don’t shut your whore mouth. And she would have run screaming.
    Anyway glad to have you back. Glad the surgery went pretty well. And that you start feeling better soon and aren’t a letter C much longer.

  • Stephanie and her sort of funny blog says:

    Glad to hear you are at least able to form some type of letter.

    And woot woot for the morphine.

    If you are bored, turn your laptop sideways and read my blog. It’ll be good times. It’s not that funny, so you won’t hurt your healing abs. ;-)

    http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com/

    Hope you feel much better very soon, Aunt Becky.

  • Jennifer says:

    YAAAAAY! Aunt Becky’s back!
    Glad everything went well!
    There is now less of you, but you are more full of the awesome than before!

  • Fiddle says:

    Glad you are home and recovering!

  • andygirl says:

    you should have worn your shut your whore mouth tshirt instead of a gown. maybe bitch would’ve gotten the message.

    feel better! so glad things went well!

  • bashtree says:

    you’re back you’re back you’re back!!!! we should install a thermometer or gauge of some sort here to measure your skyrocketing hottness or something aka healing process…something happier than ‘it only hurts this much’ today :)

    ps your roommate…good riddance. i would totally have major surgery to be your co-morphined roommate.

  • Meg says:

    Bahahaha…My husband and I sing that song “If you like penis-alotta” =D So glad you are recovering and I hope the pain subsides soon. I bet you will look fucking awesome!! So jealous. I just gave birth to a 9 1/2 pound baby and feel like I’m wearing someones ass on my stomach.

  • Tracie says:

    Glad the surgery went well and they didn’t remove your funny bone! Enjoy your drugs and time on the couch. Major surgery is about the only way a mom can get a break.

    • MamaCas says:

      OMG…so TRUE! When I had my 4th child via c-section, I loved EVERY. STINKING. MINUTE. of it. My mother and hubs were taking good care of the 3 older kids, so I sat back on Easy Street for 5 days. I had a truckload of painkillers (the good kind that make you forget your own name) and a sweet little baby to keep me company. (I also had a whole staff of nurses to step in when I wanted a break from said baby.) It was friggin’ AWESOME.

  • redwine queen says:

    Ok, great, you had the abdominoplasty. you will sooo love the results.
    But not for ,,,oh say 4 months. swelling,, the girdle thingy,,not so much. hang in there
    They totally rock, and are totally worth it. Imo. I wear a bikini at 47 plus,, proudly.
    enjoy your blog, but seriously, i ws up and about 2 days after the surgery.
    i wont tell if you wont….more vicodin please….
    red wine chaser

  • Dot says:

    Glad you haven’t lost the feisty. Get well soon!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    OMG, I now have the Penis Colada song running through my head on an endless loop…heeeeeellllllpppp.

    Hope you heal quickly and I’m so glad you are back!

  • I’m one of those weirdos who voluntarily wears an English corset on a regular basis. It makes my back feel better. :-)

  • Kyddryn says:

    Welcome home, sugar…you were missed.

    Some day I will have my middle bits done over, and possibly my thighs (not for my sake, you understand, but to prevent forest fires – that kind of friction is dangerous, I tell you!), and I shall whimper and remind myself that I need to man-up and Aunt Becky it out.

    I hope you have a swift recovery!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • Emthe says:

    Welcome home, Aunt Becky!

  • I’m ashamed to say I’ve been so caught in my own shit lately that I’ve completely lost track of yours. So what’s this shit about surgery? Cosmetic or medical? Hope you’re up kickin’ ass and taking no prisoners again soon, my friend.

    Hugs, Jayne

  • BecZhang says:

    Aunt Becky! So glad you’re back! I hate douche bag nurses.

  • Caron says:

    There are TWO versions of Hair of the Dog? What is the world coming to?

    Seriously, it’s good to hear straight from you. Behave and get better soon.

  • Becca says:

    We missed you too !! Take care of yourself, don’t rush it!!

  • Becca says:

    We missed you too !! Take care of yourself, don’t rush it!!

  • Maria says:

    I’m glad you’re alive. I laughed a lot while I was reading this and decided that you must not have re-read it because it would probably hurt to laugh. Eep. I want a tummy tuck but I dunno if I wanna be a cockroach.

  • Michelle says:

    YAY! Glad Aunt Becky is back!!! Glad your surgery went “well” and even more glad to hear the hilarious recounting of what you remember. (Sorry, I have the selfishness…I NEED the entertainment provided by Aunt Becky, so get on yo J-O-B and keep making us laugh!).

  • k@lakly says:

    The bitch is back in town!!!! YAY!!!!! I’ve been checking like a certifiable stalker for your comeback!
    Hope they gave you unlimited refills on the Vitamin V and that your abs and other parts are back in primetime, ready for action pronto!
    Come summer, I will send you a new thong and pasty bathing suit so you can show the new you off in style:)
    xxoo

  • GingerB says:

    Ahh, the morphine button. When I had my last c-section my husband made me watch a lepruchaun movie and I kept thinking the pot of gold was a pizza and that the king was wearing a cat around his neck. And this was a good twelve hours after the surgery and delivery. Man, I wish I had that morphine pump when I look at the toys strewn about my house. Sorry about the binder and all. At least it wasn’t Barry Manilow – Looks Like We Made It . . .

  • Me says:

    I feel your pain on the surgery!! I had the same thing done, only mine was combined with other procedures, so they called it a “full body lift.” My Gawd, that shit hurt, BAD!! There was no way to get comfortable because my incision went all the way around my body… And the BINDER, OMG, THE BINDER!! People had to squeeze my SORE ass into it!! I would cry it hurt so bad, and then cuss when they would pinch my skin in it!! But, the worst part is… I felt worse when it was off! I swear it felt like my bottom half would just fall off (like a pair of pants, ROFL). That Binder held everything in place and even though it was restricting, it truly helped.

    At least you got a damn morphine button! I woke up without one (I still have no idea why). They were supposed to install a “pain pump” into my stomach but they didn’t, WTF? I think I was robbed.

    Make sure you don’t over do it! Let your family help you (even though it is hard for us women to not run the show).
    I hope you are happy with your results, I know I was (until I got pregnant and ruined it, BLAH).

  • Mariposita_Obsidiana says:

    Yay! You’re back!!!

  • Phil_E_Girl says:

    #1 THANK THE GODDESS, B. IS BACK! What the Hellz would we do without you?
    #2 Girl up B. quit your whining, you sound like a guy! “Oh boo-hoo, I had a little surgery, now I can’t move and it hurts WAH!”
    #3 Get a T.V. series to watch, Lost or something (you may want to stay away from comedies because laughing although it is good medicine may hurt like a mother fucker right now).
    #4 We love you B.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    So wait… did they remove six pounds of awesome from you?!?!

  • choosy says:

    Yay! Being bored as your worst complaint – awesome…of course eventually you’ll have to stop taking the BIG drugs…but then you can add vodka to your pain management routine…so yay!
    Feel better soon AB!

  • Whew. I see they left your funnybone intact. Cheers to a speedy recovery, and if you find yourself with any leftover painkillers afterward, I’d be happy to take them off your hands. I’m selfless like that.

  • Dr. Cynicism says:

    Glad everything went well, and we’re glad you’ll be back to frequent blogging! And for the record, I’ve had many a surgery – ALL roommates need to shut their whore ass mouths. It’s apparently a scientifically verified fact.

  • Dora says:

    Missed ya, girlfriend! OUCH! Glad you’re home and recovering. What an asswipe of a nurse. And oh, the bad roommates! I had 2 of them postpardum. First had her family with 2-3 very small children visiting for HOURS. I’d had my c-section the night before and hadn’t slept, and had to listen to the chatter and shrieking of the kids, as well as them occassionally pulling aside my curtain while I was nursing. Second one was the loud talking, loud tv, didn’t clean her blood drops off the toilet seat(!!!) one. GAH!!!

    Hope you’re feeling better soon, bitch. Love ya!

  • Hooray corseted Aunty Becky! So glad you’re back! A suggestion for boredom. Try counting your leg hairs Braille style. It’s what I did during recovery from my 3 c-sections. Since I couldn’t bend to actually see my legs, I got really good at counting them by feel as they grew…since I couldn’t shave them anyway. I could totally win a fucking contest. See you if you can get enough to beat me. Challenge ON!

  • God, I fucking hate 50% of the nurses out there. And I totally love the other 50%. It’s like nursing schools turn out asses or angles, nothing in between. Sounds like you got quite the asshole in your recovery period.

    I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough to be bored. HUGS.

  • badbadwebbis says:

    I feel you on the cockroach part – when my back went out, I learned to roll off of surfaces onto the floor, and then gradually into a standing position. And by gradually I mean ‘3 hours later.’

    It sucks to hurt, so take some drugs. What I fear, and what you did not mention, is the Needs of the C.P. – when can you pick them up? How long will you have to stand there and watch them scream themselves comatose because your abs have checked out? Do you need for us to create a sign-up sheet for C.P. care? (PS I live in Texas, otherwise I would seriously come do something).

  • katrina says:

    YAY!! The bitch is back!! Your pranksters have missed you so much! Glad you are home and healing. And YAY for pain drugs!

  • Welcome back. My brother and I used to modify Pina Colada also. We also had a pretty sweet rendition of that terrible grade school song “Peanut Butter” that not only substituted Penis for Peanut but also ‘gina for jelly. It went a little something like this: Penis, penis butter, ‘gina. `gina.

  • So glad you’re doing better and posting. Also? “Taco Kick” is my new favorite phrase. I plan to use it often. Thanks.

  • KaraB says:

    So glad the surgery went well and you are on the mend! My husband goes under the knife Friday for a ginormous kidney stone that is lodged in his ureter and he’s terrified. He’s never been put under, but I told him, you go to sleep and wake up and bang all done. I haven’t told him that the next day is when he’ll be sore! Congrats Aunt Becky, I hope for everyone’s sake you get to shower soon! Sending healing thoughts and all that!

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    After I had a C-section, I had a mean old nurse who wouldn’t help me swing my sorry cake out of bed. If I’d had any abdominal strength at that point, there woulda been some serious taco kicking going on.

    Sit back and chillax with your pranksters. Let them bring the Uncrustables to you while you heal. Glad you’re back. Someday I’ll sing you our juvenile lyrics to “All out of Love” by Air Supply.

  • Aw, Becks! I missed you! I’m so glad you’re doing well. You’ve been on my mind a lot and I’m so glad to hear you’re recovering.

    Loving you lots!

  • Lanita says:

    When I had my breast cancer surgery….ah, 14 years ago, I hated that I couldn’t sit up without a crane helping me. I quickly learned to use my feet to assist me. I’d hook the coffee table with my foot and pry myself vertically. I even got very good at opening my drawers with my toes. I had some trouble with the top drawers. I just wasn’t flexible enough.

    And by the way, I have the Pina Colada song on my ipod. Totally love it.

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