I spent the morning paying someone to take chunks out of my cervix, which, trust me, is even less fun that it sounds. I didn’t mention it here, not because I didn’t want to whine and pout and stomp my feet, but because, dammit, I heard the weather this year and it didn’t call for a shit storm.

Plus, with all the medical shit that’s been going on I feel like I might have Munchausen’s, or, at the very least, an ugly flair for the dramatical. And nothing annoys me personally more than someone who is constantly convinced that they are dying of a rare form of syphilis and expects that everyone else wring their hands along side them.

(and no, I’m not talking about you.)

But I went for my Uncle Pappy at the same time as my 6 (8) week post-partum check up and low and behold, I had another bout of abnormal cells on the old cervix. I had my first experience with the abnormalities of my cervix while about 6 weeks pregnant (and bleeding!) with Amelia and (thank you God) decided not to pursue the biopsy at that time. Because yeah, even if they found that I needed to have my cervix shaved, would I really do it while pregnant?

(it’s supposed to be rhetorical but in case you wanted an answer, here it is: No fucking way)

So after waiting on bated breath last week to find out that, no, my mother does NOT have breast cancer, I waited rather impatiently to find out my own cancer status.

While I wasn’t really thrilled by the whole notion of having my cervix manipulated and doused with vinegar, I tried to think of the bright things:

1) I don’t have a real use for it anymore

2) Perhaps I will be told that my cervix is the most beautiful the doctor has ever seen and I can gloat about it (like I did after my colonscopy. Side note: Daver wouldn’t allow me to put pictures of my colon in our Christmas cards that year. Ass)

3) I happen to have a wicked love affair with vinegar

4) I can spend the rest of the day moaning and lying about the house while I make The Daver do things for me (say it with me now: Yeah, RIGHT)

5) It will make the Vicodin I want desperately to pop actually serve a purpose other than getting Really Fucking Stoned.

Still, though, I was nervous. What was it going to feel like? Like birth without an epidural (a special shout-out to the lack of epidural-y goodness I had with Amelia! Hooray!)? Like a bikini wax? Like having to go to the DMV? I just didn’t know. And not knowing shit makes Aunt Becky pissed off. Almost as pissed off as people who talk about themselves in the third person.

So I dragged The Daver with me after guilting him about having to go alone, something that proves to be a Very Fucking Good Idea, indeed.

And what can I really say about the procedure itself? It started off totally bearable, the vinegar stung like a mother-fucker, and the biopsy itself was not so terrible. Honestly.

But (we’ve established that there’s always a Butt, right? Otherwise I wouldn’t be telling you this story)…

I noticed that I could feel myself, well, gushing blood. The nurse and the doctor scurried around, changing the pads underneath me, putting plastic bags on the floor, and going through packages of 4×4’s like it was going out of style.

Apparently, I have a bleeding problem. So much so that after the pathology gets back, my OB wants me to see an Internal Medicine doctor. She has (and I quote) “Never seen someone bleed so much” and should I require follow-up (F/U) care in the form of removal of bits of my cervix, I will have to go to a surgery center.

I’m less upset about this and more amused, because at this point, sometimes you realize that being paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Whomever “they” are.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make some tinfoil hats…

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

53 Responses to Whatever Is French For So Foolish It’s Funny

  • Badass Geek says:

    Holy Jesus.

    Glad you’re okay and you didn’t have to be alone.

  • fidget says:

    tinfoil? you need like bubble wrap and uhh
    I dont know a disease / shitty things happening blocking shield / ray gun thingy.

    Dude I so wish I could have a ray gun, I’d be all ZAP ZAP ZAP to everything

  • Ames says:

    Glad you were able to guilt the Daver into going with you… I totally wouldn’t have been able to go through that alone. I’ll be thinking of you, how long until the results come back??

  • kalakly says:

    Before now whenever someone mentioned vinegar or if I smelled it, I would immediately think of pastel colors and Easter eggs. Now I’ll be forced to conjure up the likes of your bleeding cervix. And that, my friend, is just not right.

    Send me that Vicodin, pronto.
    xxoo

  • tash says:

    Well shit, I need a vicodin after reading this. Bottoms up, I’ll mop the floor, you pour.

    How many years until you have some results from this here massacree?

  • kbrients says:

    Oh damn… that is what you need… another reason to worry. ((hugs))

  • CJ says:

    Vinegar, really?

    My cervix just shuddered. And that old bizatch has been through a lot herself.

  • Honey, you are certainly getting your family’s medical insurance to work for you! I have had pieces snipped from my uterus more times than I’d like to recall, but never have heard of this vinegar matter.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Well, this is why we get our paps. Cervical stuff is curable. I’m so sorry you had to go through this but hopefully, you’ll be done. Are you getting enough vitamin C? That can affect bleeding.

  • Dre says:

    I had the same shit happen to me at my 6 week post-baby appointment (I too had abnormal pappy during my pregnancy and had to wait), which made the delightful bleeding recommence in earnest. Then I had to have chunks actually removed a few weeks later. They went ahead and did it at the hospital under serious sedation cuz the biopsy did not go so well. The only upside? more drugs. That is the only good thing I can say about it. More vicodin. Turned out just fine in the end with no reoccurrance or other treatment necessary. Still sucks you have to put up with this on top of everything else.

    Oh, and about the tinfoil. Seriously, I worked for a state senator once, and there was a crazy lady kept calling the office, who covered her apartment in tinfoil to try to keep the government from tracking her and listening to her via the “chip” they implanted in her leg when she was kidnapped. Umm… yeah.

  • Betts says:

    It’s a good thing I didn’t go with you or I might have gone screaming into the hallway, “They’re killing her…. so much blood…. somebody make them stop!!!” I hope this will be the end of the cervical circus.

  • Inna says:

    Man that sux! Glad you took it so well. I would probably have passed out from seeing the blood and maybe lack of blood? Hope everything gets fixed!

  • Shanna says:

    You should have said something. I could have told you all about the joys of the old biopsy. In the days before Marjorie (BM) Ha!, I had a two for one day at the gyno. Had the lovely HSG and a biopsy all in one visit. (march 30, 2006 post)
    I think that the HSG was worse then the biopsy, at least for me, since I apparently have a tipped uterus so the doc had to do all kinds of pulling and twisting on the old cervix prior to getting the dye injected for the test.
    I suppose I should make an appointment to be checked out since it has been over a year now since my 6 week followup. Have to get the old boob pancakes made too, oh what fun. ;)

  • Miss B says:

    Uncle Pappy???

    Bwaaaahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

  • Stacey says:

    You know how men get that sympathy wince when they see another guy get kicked in the nuts?

    I just had a sympathy cervix contraction.

  • Kendra says:

    Yikes. I guess normal paps is something I’ve learned to take for granted. No more.

    And I just kept thinking as I was reading: Maybe you don’t have the most beautiful cervix they’ve ever seen (at least not that they told you), but you do win the prize for most bleeding. So way to be exceptional!

    After a D&C when I lost my second pregnancy, I kind of live in fear of anyone poking around down there. I don’t have a lot to compare it to, but that was one of my worst experiences ever. And I’m pretty sure there was no vinegar. So my heart goes out to you.

  • lady lemon says:

    Damn, you really have had a rash of dealing with medical crap lately, haven’t you?

    Oh, and Ricky Henderson said that Ricky Henderson says to tell you you have Munchausens.

  • Kristine says:

    When it rains it pours I suppose. Never had that done before but nearly everytime I went for Uncle Pappy at my GP, I had to have it re-done – they said yeast infection. Never had that issue with OB/GYN – so I think they were just trying to get double the money out of me.

  • Love your site, Becky. We have a lot in common–a love of Hostess orange cupcakes, abnormal cervix cells, a dislike of early mornings, and an addiction to coffee. I can tell we’re going to be friends.

    Hope everything swings up. Take care. I’ll keep reading. You keep writing.

    Best,

    SB

  • heather says:

    Oh I can’t wait til they tell me I have to have a ureteroscopy to remove my stone. All my serious problems involve the hoohaw. Why can’t I have something a broken arm?
    I hope it’s nothing serious.

  • MrsLaLa says:

    Ohhh, hun. I’ve had that done more times than I care to remember…I wish you would have brought it up – it really is no biggie. If the doctor is really good s/he will tell you to cough right as they do it, and then you can’t feel it at all. Pretty spiffy.

    There is some cramping and bleeding after though, but I never had “gushing”. Yikes!

    Hope you get good results!

  • Lindsay says:

    I am never going to the doctor again after this story. I think it hurts to get a pap smear. I cannot even imagine what you just went through, regardless of the fact that you described it vividly enough for me to physically shudder with empathy.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    See, now me? I would’ve gone with “The Tale of Pickled Bleeding Vagina” for a post title, but that’s just me.

    In all seriousness, I hope your lady parts (and all your other insides) are OK.

  • deb says:

    Never had it done and never want to after your very vivid description.
    I hope everything turns out to be negative. That’s right, right? We don’t want positive. That just seems wrong.
    Why do I have a sudden need to drink the pickle juice?

  • Meghan says:

    I’m beginning to think there is a big target on you? Maybe you know too much medical crap and they like you too much at the hospital? I’m only allergic to latex and IUD’s, nothing in comp to you chicky.

    Crossed fingers, toes, eyes and cervix that now has a cramp for you. I’m opting for no more tests and all pos from here on out as the next steps SUCK!!!

  • The Mom says:

    Oh wow. How scary? I have had several cervical biopsies before and I have had part of cervix removed (I am effaced just sitting here–aren’t you impressed?). Nothing like that has ever happened, but come to think of if the smell of vinegar has always reminded me of visits of my oncologist-gynecologist. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

  • Sarah says:

    OUCH.

    I do have some experience bleeding MUCH MORE than anyone anticipated you would. Kind of entertaining, as long as they figure out how to stop it. Before you die. You know.

    Hope you’re benign in so many ways.

  • Lola says:

    Jesus Christ!!!! I almost checked out at the first mention of cervical smears, and then “vinegar” made me want to barf, cuz I know you still smell like vinegar, girl. But gushing blood? That made the blood rush from my head.

    I had my first ever couple of abnormal cells last December, but they told me it was no big deal and to come back in a year. Yeah, can we all say hysterfuckinectomy before I deal with any of that nastiness. I mean, really, at 43, let’s just call this game already.

    Oh, but back to you, so sorry you had to deal with that shit. You really need to live closer to me, cuz the best friend and I have ways of dealing with such miserable days…

  • Emily A says:

    I believe it is risible. Hope all turns out well. And thanks for giving me a name for my yearly smear – love it!

  • Potty Mouth Mommy says:

    vinegar??? really??? wow- they use some kind of sterile solution here…

    And really?? it didn’t hurt like a mo-fo??? I cried like a little b#$@ when I got my cervix biopsied!!

    I’m lmao at you hoping for the most beautiful cervix ever- My OB told me I had the cleanest va-jay-jay he’d ever seen- no word of a lie. I think it took me 3 or 4 hours to stop giggling about it!!

    Hopefully everything’s ok with the biopsy! And that you have no more bleeding!!

    Take care- and have a vicodin for me!!! :D

  • birdpress says:

    Just wanted to let you know I was in the exact same position (literally) on Monday. I never had to have anything like it before, and I was extremely nervous. Fortunately I did not gush blood and it was not overly painful for me. Sorry you had it worse. I guess I’ll be waiting on the results right along with you though. Fingers crossed for both of us.

  • sweetpeah says:

    i’m thinking abnorm paps must be contagious here. dang, girl. i had my biopsy last monday. still waiting for results. and they gave you vicodin?? you suck! j/k lol

  • Fancy says:

    I’m hoping your vinegar smelling bleeding cervix is going to be okay – and that is not something I ever would have thought I would say in the most loving way to another woman. But, for you? You betcha!

  • mumma boo says:

    Your holiest of holies just doesn’t get a freakin’ break, does it? Sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. (Vinegar, really? Really?!?) Hope that the path report comes back negative and that it’s a quick fix for the bleeding issue. Goodness knows you’ve had enough stress the past few months – your body is probably saying “enough of that shit, already!” Now go slobber on your children for me. Thank you. (((hugs)))

  • Mimi says:

    You mean they don’t put you under for that shit??? What the fuck! And what’s with the vinegar? Are they using your vagina as a salad bowl? You just made me feel like a total asswipe for complaining about my birthday, btw. Get better instantly, you hear me?

  • andi says:

    My gawd, woman. Could you be having a shittier year? I’m so sorry. Hoping that the next story I read about vinegar on yer blog is about salad dressing.

  • zelzee says:

    I’ve never had to have a cervix biopsy……….but I must admit I am wiggling in my seat just from your description.
    Fingers, toes and eyes crossed that all comes back well.

    They say these difficult times we go through give us character.
    I say you are already quite the character!!
    Good luck…….keep me posted.

  • kate says:

    there was an earthquake during my last stirrup appointment. it was pretty awesome. nothing compared to your bloody, vinegar-y business, but still…

  • sarah says:

    I have had more cervical/ovarian/uterine biopsies than I care to remember. They suck and hurt like Hell, no matter what my obviously pain resistant mother says. And now that I have had a partial hysterectomy, I have never, ever felt better.

  • Lexi says:

    Ouch. I feel your pain. Had this done a few years back, and ended up needing a LEEP (google it; it’s as fun as it looks…is that what they’re doing?)

    But vicodin? Would have been great. The people at my OBGYN’s practice didn’t bother to tell me how much it would hurt, or that I’d bleed all day…I went in for the biopsy, and went back to work! (and ended up going home, but still).

    Thinkin’ good thoughts for ya!

    (btw…I dunno if I’ve commented here before, but been reading you for a while. I’m a horrible lurker.)

  • Eva says:

    I hate medical stuff. I hate bleeding problems. I hate all this. This sucks. So sorry. Uh, and hope you don’t have cancer!

  • magpie says:

    You, dear, have had too much medical drama. I’m sorry about this one…hope it turns out okay.

  • Coco says:

    Ouch for gushing blood. That’s never really a feeling you want, is it?

    I never actually had the biopsy, I just got the LEEP. Luckily, my doctor is awesome and gave me Percocet and Xanax to get me “legally stoned” (her words – she rocks the Gyno world) and I think I was singing show tunes by the time the procedure was finished.

    BTW, next time you hit the salad bar, you might want to skip the vinagrette and stick with ranch. Just to avoid any unpleasant flashbacks.

    P.S. I’m thinking of you, babe.

  • Gaby says:

    Ah, yes, the biopsy. I had one too, and it really does suck a bit. Mostly it’s a pinchy, crampy feeling, but that only applies if you’re not trying to reenact the elevator scene from “The Shining,” Becky! Damn.

    Also, to all those questioning the vinegar–I read something about how swabbing the cervical cells with vinegar makes the abnormal cells show up under a special (UV, maybe?) light. The more highlighted cells, the more screwed up the cervix. It’s like having a blacklight poster for a cervix!

  • Miss Grace says:

    Oh Christ. CHUNKS? Bleh.

  • Jenn says:

    All I can say is that you must have some pretty fucking huge rainbows in your future.
    Either that or you were a gigantic asshole in a past life.
    I’m betting on big rainbows. xoxo

  • Jenn says:

    Hey! I’m being moderated! WTF?!

  • Susan says:

    I’m going to be the one to tell you the truth, Aunt Becky. You don’t have a bleeding problem. Her knife slipped and she’s giving you the blame. THAT is where the pain came from and the vinegar is just a practical joke she and her staff love to perpetrate.

    I sure hope things improve for you. And those pictures are adorable!

  • Thanks for checking out my site and for commenting. That was really nice of you. I added your blog to my blog list.

    My best,

    SB

  • Fiddle1 says:

    Jesus. I second the “shit storm” comment. WTF is happening to you and your family? Flu? Blood gushing from chomped up cervix? Amelia’s referral? That just has to turn out fine given all the other misfortunes. At least in the meantime you have her lovely, lovely face to stare at in wonder. You could get LOST in her eyes (and sorry for the corny love song phrase). Ben and Alex get a cute stamp of approval also. Also, anyone (you) that works as a hospice nurse moves to my number one slot. My mom is a hospice nurse and she and i have had HOURS and HOURS of conversations about how other nursing jobs BITE and how nurses all eat their young (except for aunty becky).

  • Dot says:

    That sucks. I hope everything turns out to be okay.

    Don’t forget the duct tape. :-)

    Guess perhaps 20 years since my last gyn visit is a bit too long, huh? I just don’t want to know.

  • Betty M says:

    Vinegar? That is beyond unnecessary and taking the whole natural thing way too far. We definitely dont have that here. Sorry about the gushing too- I gush when giving birth andhad a spate of gushing post ERPC. It is no fun at all. Sympathies and best wishes for clear results.

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