About 5 years ago now, I had been taking antibiotics for something or other I’d picked up during my clinical rotations and got the subsequent yeast infection.

So after school one Friday, I trundled off to the pharmacy and absentmindedly grabbed the cheapest Monistat cream–hey, I was a poor college student–I could find and headed back home, eager for some relief.

I’d had a case of the yeasties before, but never one that was quite so…irritating. If you haven’t had one, be grateful. It’s itchy and uncomfortable and gross all in one big pile. And there’s no good way to itch oneself in public without drawing major attention to it and I’ve never had the luxury of staying home to lay around with a fan blowing on my naked crotch.

This may have been the only time I’ve ever prayed for camel toe.

I’ve never been so happy to go home and shove something gross up my vagina before. After I’d inserted the first of seven pre-filled applicators, I noticed a little tube of what I can only describe here as ‘œClit Cream.’ I’d never used it before, but man, it sounded pretty good. I would have happily slathered horseradish down there if I had any idea it would relieve my pain.

I sat back, lubed myself up, and laid down for a nap. I fucking heart naps.

Several hours later, I was abruptly awakened to an even MORE uncomfortable feeling; it felt as though my entire crotch was on fire. I rushed to the bathroom, quickly applied more ‘œClit Cream,’ figuring this was a particularly nasty bug, and took a look at my privates. (not something I ever relish doing, TRUST ME)

Even taking a crap post 4th degree tear (thank you, enormous baby head) has not made me scream so loudly. My mother came running. I kept screaming. My delicate girly bits had swollen to the size of a fucking grapefruit.

It was Friday at about 4:30 PM. My doctor’s office was about to close.

I hobbled my broken crotch down the stairs, crying out from the pain as I made my way to the phone. I couldn’t imagine going to the ER or Urgent Care for a broken vagina and I wasn’t about to use any more over the counter shit.

I got Pinhead, RN who was ready to leave for the day and most unhappy that I was asking for a prescription for Diflucan.

An approximate recounting of the conversation:

Me: “I have a yeast infection. I need a prescription for Diflucan.”

Her: “Take a hot bath.”

Me: “I need a prescription for Diflucan. My crotch is busted.”

Her: “Eat some yogurt.”

Me: “I need a prescription for Diflucan. I’m in pain.”

Her: “Get some over the counter Monistat.”

Me: “I had an allergic reaction to that. My crotch is now the size of an inter-tube. I am not putting any more stuff up there. Now I NEED a prescription for Diflucan.”

You would have thought I was asking for a Dilauded drip.

Since it was Friday, Ben and I were heading out to our apartment in Oak Park (ed note: this was the norm back then), so I had the nurse call the coveted prescription in to the Osco out there. I was also instructed to get a vinegar douching kit and some hemorrhoid pads. Can we talk about sexy shopping lists or WHAT?

Ben and I got bundled up to combat the January cold. To provide some relief, I shoved a plastic baggie full of ice in my pants. At the time, my car was a manual transmission vehicle, and during the first 5 minutes of our hour long trek the bag busted a leak.

I was now sitting in a pool of cold ice water, in January, with an aching burning crotch. Every time I had to shift–which was about every 3 seconds–more water spilled out onto my pants. I have never been more done with a day.

The icing on the cake was that I had Benner with me. I had to look for The Worst Shopping List of All Time while trying:

a) not to noticeably drip water down my leg so that it looked like I had totally had an accident and

b) wrangle a 2 and a half year old child while

c) alone.

Ben jaunted happily up and down the aisles, playing the bongos on a couple of packs of Depends while I slowly realized what being pecked to death by a chicken would be like.

By the time I got back to our apartment, I had given up on being upset about the whole thing and decided to see the intrinsic humor in the whole situation.

After locking myself in the bathroom for awhile to take care of my crotchal region (imagine me gesturing wildly. It’d be funnier) I rummaged through our kitchen to find a Sharpee.

Rather than try and be all discrete and shit, I festooned the container of Tucks with the phrase, ‘œASS PADS!!!’ which I left out for all to see, proudly displayed on top of our toilet tank. If your privates are swollen and aching, they might as well be PROUD privates, right? More importantly, I wanted to see what other people would do if face-to-face with such a container. The reactions could have been Pure Comedy Gold.

The only people who managed to see it, though, were my super-conservative in-laws, who probably never had seen such vulgarity until The Daver brought me home. Is it any wonder they don’t adore me?

Don’t answer that.

Okay, bitches, your turn.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

70 Responses to What The Hell Is Dignity Again?

  • Badass Geek says:

    Oh, so funny.

    I only wish I could have seen it.

    The awkward Aunt Becky hobbling around the store, not your angry vagina.

  • Mrs M says:

    Hilarious!!!!

    I’m so glad you posted this, I’ve not laughed and guffed so much in ages!

  • Sarah says:

    Oh dear GAWD. How can I say the reason things like that happen you and not me is that you see the humor in it, even as it’s happening (if a minute or two later than passers-by) and I would have gone batshit medieval on all of Chicago with a flame-thrower (and my wicked crotch issues!) after getting to 4th gear maybe 3 times, without sounding like I think you somehow deserved that? Cause, YOU SO DON’T but Dude!! I think I can assure you the entirety of the world is laughing with you at this moment. Too hard to even pull it together for a comment.

    “I have never been so done with a day”…. BWaaahahahaHAAAAAA! I’m kind of surprised that “meat curtain” didn’t somehow make it into this post, though. Just sayin’.

  • Marinka says:

    I laughed so hard at this post that I actually snorted. Which is totally unlike the daily, dainty me. The daily, dainty I? It’s so hard to be grammatically correct when lying about my daintiness.

  • The Boss says:

    I have never had a yeast infection, and after this post I hope to hell that I never do. It sounds most uncomfortable.

  • Danielle says:

    AHAHAHAHA! Sounds painful and miserable. My story isn’t as embarrassing as that one, but still a wee bit embarrassing. When I was sick in July, I had to have my husband dress me and undress me including panties and bathe me. UHG it sucked, I was SO sick and mortified.

  • Wishing4One says:

    Been waitin’ for this one and it is was indeed as horrible and hilarious as I anticipated it to be too. Once again, gee thanks Aunt Beckster! Thanks for putting yourself (your ta ta) out here for all to gander. Only U can get away with this. Love it.

  • Pamela J. says:

    Oh dear, this was comedy gold. It makes me want to throw a bag of ice in my pants and go out in public just to see the reactions.

    I did grab a bowling sock from my purse the other day and stick it in my pants when I realized I’d started my period in Costco. The sock began falling out at the ankle just as I was headed for the door.

    Womanly joys:)

  • Daddy Files says:

    That was a GREAT story. Had me rolling.

    One of my greatest hits is the night I found out my girlfriend in college was cheating on me…with another woman! It was the night of the big Halloween party but due to turning my girlfriend into a rug muncher, I wasn’t going to attend. But my friends got me VERY drunk and told me I had to go.

    So they dressed me as a woman. I had a dress with a slit up the side, fishnets and HUGE boobs. I went to the party and got even more hammered, telling everyone within ear shot about my womanly woes.

    Then I got back to the dorms and decided I was going to confront my ex and her new girlfriend (who had become roommates no less!). So I marched up to her floor (still in my dress mind you) and knocked loudly. When she finally answered, I unleashed this gem:

    “I’ve got TITS now. See?? Do you like me now?!?!!?”

    Then I threw up on her door and walked away.

    Undeterred in my jackassery, I then walked to the campus radio station and made a guest appearance (still in my dress) on my buddy’s 12 am to 3 am show, during which I told the entire story on campus radio.

    And as embarrassing as all of that was, I’m still not sure I’d trade places with you!

  • Oh I was dying! Pecked to death by a chicken! Very funny!

  • Michelle says:

    I do not think anyone can beat that!

    My biggest crotch issue was the fact that I got varicose veins in my labia while pregnant with #2, which got worse with each subsequent pregnancy. By #4 it felt like I was walking around with a couple of hot dogs in my underwear by the end of the day. Good times.

  • Inna says:

    HAHAHAHAHHA!!! Your story livened up my so far awful day. Thanks!

  • Nicole says:

    “My crotch is busted”

    HAHAHAHAHHAAH. Dying. Love it. I’m so glad Emily introduced us cause I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this post.

  • um..you win. LOl!

    I have a similar memory, only without the 2 year old & of riding the campus metro to student health with a bag of ice in my pants after having a reaction to a douche.

  • ewe_are_here says:

    Oh my gawd… horrible but hysterical all rolled into one.

  • Kendra says:

    Oh, my God! I am so amazed that you appreciate the humor of this situation. I am way less likely than you are to admit to some of my more humiliating experiences (though there are plenty to choose from).

    But I will admit that once I came home alone to my apartment to realize that I had developed a nasty yeast infection. It was late, I was tired, and I was pretty pissed at my crotch for being so uncooperative, so I grabbed a little pad, gave it a swipe to ease the pain until morning, and went to bed. Moments later, I was crying in the shower, realizing that I had in fact used an Oxy pad on my girly bits. Those are two things that were never meant to meet! But fortunately, I was able to wash it off and get some proper treatment in the morning.

    I’ve never told that unusually embarrassing story, but I guess it’s nothing compared to wandering around the store trying not to look like you wet yourself. (My 3-year-old, by the way, keeps asking what’s so funny, and I keep telling him it’s just a funny story–that I’m not going to read him.)

  • Jenn says:

    I do believe I have read this before but it just never gets old. Tee hee.

  • Potty Mouth Mommy says:

    I TOTALLY have a container of tucks in one of the drawers in my upstairs bathroom…. I’m TOTALLY going up there RIGHT NOW to go and write ASS PADS on it and display it proudly on the counter…

    You are an inspiration to me!!! bwahahaahaahahah

    I say that because you’re going to want to hunt me down and kill you after I say that I’ve NEVER in my life experienced the yeasties… cancer, yes- Yeast infection, no. I’ve heard the yeasties are worse!!

  • Oh Lord, what a story. Seriously, WHO is allergic to yeast infection meds?!?! Only Aunt Becky! You over-achiever, you!

    Today at the store, I saw what may be the world’s best husband. He was alone, and was purchasing a prescription, a package of monistat, and some kind of pills for vaginal health. What a guy!

  • a says:

    I now hope that I never get a yeast infection. Because I have had the allergic reaction (except it’s been to the likely kinds of culprits (body wash) and the unlikely (shampoo – for God’s sake, how did it even get there?!?!)) and the itch and that is the worst thing ever. I just wanted to take one of those garden cultivators (ooh – or maybe a Garden Weasel – do they still make those?) to my entire undercarriage. I wish I had thought of the ice pack; that would have given me some blessed relief. And the swelling – let’s not even talk about that. If I’m allergic to soap, I’m thinking that medication would not make me feel better.

    Thanks for the very graphic entertainment…I’m wondering, though, how you ended up with conservative in-laws. Is the Daver still experiencing teenage rebellion? I bet you spice up Christmas!

  • Meghan says:

    So made my day..Thanks. I’ll get back to you on my embarrassment(so..I can’t spell today) factor.

  • Meg says:

    Once when I was a teenager i was waiting for my boyfriend in a park, and I was hungry but the only thing I had was a bag of prunes because I was going to bake with them. So I ate them. What ensued involved lots of cramping, wet leaves, and the need to hide in bushes and bury my underwear. Sadly, a true story.

  • Denise says:

    Sorry Becky, but that had my crotch twitching with laughter!! While I haven’t had lips the size of tires, I can sympathize with the itch/pain that makes you want to take a rake to your blessed be parts. Diflucan ROCKS!!! That’s all I’ll say.

  • Mrs.LaLa says:

    Awwww no…that sucks. I actually had a bad reaction once to the itch relief cream as well. Let’s just say peeling vagina skin is NEVER a pretty site. Sheesh. What do they put in that crap anyway??!!

  • Jen says:

    Too funny. You’re right-I ask my Doc for a script for Diflucan with each and every antibiotic and you would think I also would be asking for a dilaudid drip. Diflucan must have a high street value;) I know after your story it’s price just jumped.

  • giggleblue says:

    diflucan is a god send, especially after the second dose!

  • zelzee says:

    I can so relate. (You poor thing…..but it was funny).
    I am allergic to sulfa (in a vaginal cream)…….

    No feeling sexy that day!!!!!

  • Eva says:

    I had a a yeast infection once, but it wasn’t as bad as my UTI. Shit, that was ten years ago and I remember the whole thing with the constant showering so I could pee whenever I thought I needed to…oh God. In a dorm.

  • Jenn says:

    BWHAHAHAHA!!!! Pecked to death by chickens!!! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Okay, okay…I know the feeling and it’s not at all fun. But at least now I have a name for it. And for that, I thank you.

  • magpie says:

    The lovely thing about you is your admirable way of making the best of an awful situation. The best.

  • Lola says:

    HAHAHAHA! Nope, never been there. The 4th degree shit I understand, but the loaf of bread rising between you thighs is foreign territory.

  • Emily says:

    Omg, seriously funny! Especially since it wasn’t me. My most recent undignified moment was a couple weeks ago, when I contracted a hideous gastro virus from hell (they think it was norovirus). I had my husband call 911 because my words were slurring and my arms and hands went numb, so I figured I may be dying of a stroke or something. Well, the fire department and EMT guys came and I am in a ball on the floor, spewing fluids from both ends (they had to cut my clothing off me at the hospital) and clutching my throbbing head with my numb hands, and you know what one of the dillholes said? While surveying my cluttered with toys living room and my three freaked out little ones he said “you must have your hands full” – Ha!

  • Emily says:

    oh, and while I was in the hossy I DID get a dilauted drip! Yay me!

  • erica says:

    ASS PADS – pure genius!

    I recently had to purchase some, um, ASS PADS for, well, my ASS and promptly removed all labeling and tucked away for visitors not to find. I much prefer the sharpie and proud proclamation of ASS PADS route.

  • jerseygirl89 says:

    This is like my worst nightmare, but funnier.

  • Betty M says:

    Dont do this too me – hw am i supposed to do a double act of blog reading and putting child to sleep if you make me splutter and hoot?!

  • I lost my dignity when I answered the door with a boob hanging out. I had been nursing my oldest. Didn’t even realize it until the delivery guy had gone.

  • Just reading this made my vagina hurt.

  • Hope says:

    I was going through Customs in Hawaii with my son in 1977. I had last changed his diaper on the plane. After you got off a plane in HI in those days you had to take a shuttle bus – first to Immigration, then get through that, then find your luggage and line up and go through Customs. I found my bags, had my son in an umbrella stroller and was slowily making my way to the front of the line. It had been about an hour since the last diaper change.
    When it was my turn with the Customs inspector, he asked me where I had been, where was my husband, why I had so many bags (I was splitting up with the future-ex for the first time – this was none of his business). He looked at our passports, asked a few more questions.
    I looked down at my son – poop was seaping out the sides of his diapers. “OMG, I cried!”
    “What,” asked the inspector, as he signaled another inspector for back-up.
    “My baby,” I cried.
    “What about your baby” he asked. He could only see the top of my son’s head.
    “He’s very dirty,” I said.
    “No, he’s a cute kid,” replied the inspector.
    “There’s something wrong, my baby isn’t clean,” I answered.
    “He looks OK to me,” replied the back-up inspector.
    “MY BABY HAS SHIT ALL OVER HIS DIAPER AND THE CARRIAGE AND HE’S NOW STICKING HIS HANDS IN IT AND RUBBING IT IN HIS HAIR.” I cried.
    The 2 inspectors looked at each other.
    “Fuck this shit, ” I said to myself, and pushed the carriage through the line and ran to the nearest bathroom, with just my purse and diaper bag, leaving the other 5 bags with the Customs Inspectors.
    When I returned – 10-15 minutes later, the second inspector had left and the first inspector waved me through, barely containing his laughter.

  • Karen says:

    You crack me up!! I love your spirit.

    Ok…my turn. I have gotten several abscesses over the years – like bad ones where I had to be in IV antibiotics in the hospital and have surgery to dig out the infection. Anyway, about 3 years ago I got one of these abscesses on my upper thigh, sort of near the goods, over July 4th weekend. I was determined to make it through the weekend doped up on Oxycodone and not wearing a bathing suit. I could hardly walk, but I decided to get out of bed and join my family out on the deck for dinner. As I took the first step out of the door down to the deck, my abscess burst open and it looked like I peed my pants.

    So instead of dinner with the family, I got dinner a trip to the ER and 4 days in the hospital. Oh the good times! Every doctor in the world checking out my infected “area”.

  • Kristina says:

    I, fortunately for me, have nothing to top this story. But oh my god, am I laughing at your misfortune (and I apologize for that). Freakin’ hilarious.

    Also, vinegar douching? Um….ouch. Does not sound like it would help a burning vagina.

  • Mimi says:

    Man, you made me giggle, Becks. Thanks for that.

    But no one else has rivaled your story – except me. I basically went through the exact same experience after having #2. It was mid-July, I was bleeding profusely, and I developed the most horrific yeast infection in the history of womankind. I had two take not one, but TWO doses of Diflucan before it started to go away. Let me tell you, there were times that I ignored my screaming kids so that I could scratch my vajayjay into oblivion. And yes, I am allergic to the clit cream as well. I told you we were the same person.

  • This was hilarious and thank god that Pain + Time = Comedy. It’s quite a stunning visual that you paint of your puffed pudenda.

    And let me tell you something, those “Ass Pads” are the only thing that kept me sane post partum. I want to write a love letter to the fine folks at Tucks for helping me get off the donut.

  • Lisa says:

    Oh Please, Aunt Becky, won’t you PLEASE tell some in-law stories? Oh PLEASE??

    After all, what else do you follow up a yeastie story if not a beastie story?

    Just one monster-in-law story, and I promise I will go right to sleep…

  • Carebear says:

    Effing hilarious. Normally I’m against people sharing their vaginal itch stories with me, but I’m making an exception for this one because it’s so funny. As for dignity, I think it’s virtually impossible to retain it after giving birth. There were, like, 17 people staring at my crotch during the birth of my first. Including my in laws. If that’s not the dictionary definition of awkward! And I had never so much as peed with the door open when my husband was home, but after labor he carried me to the toilet and was helping me clean off the blood when I fainted on top of him. Bye bye dignity….

  • Kristen says:

    Oh. My. Goodness.

    I too am allergic to the monistat. nuff said.

  • charmedgirl says:

    i don’t think i’ve ever laughed so hard at a post. that was fucking funny!!

  • heather says:

    I’d rather have another kidney stone than a yeast infection. At least you are able to laugh about it in restrospect. Or at least, i hope you are, and weren’t in tears at the memory as you wrote this.

  • Ames says:

    I need to learn not to drink anything when I start reading your blog…I laughed so hard my diet coke came out my nose. On another note… I can totally feel your pain, that cream doesn’t like me much either.

  • Katie says:

    “This may have been the only time I’ve ever prayed for camel toe.”

    This is officially my favorite line from a blog post EVER.

  • Megan Hulsey says:

    I so badly needed to laugh on this rainy, dreary morning, so thanks for sharing your Crotch Conundrum story. Reading it while “teaching” (I can’t really call it teaching – it’s the last week of school and they are watching a movie) 7th graders was not a good idea though. I was laughing so hard that they thought something was wrong with me. Seriously. They kept asking if I was ok, and what I was laughing at. And all I could do was shake my head and laugh my cooter off.

  • Nancy says:

    I’m feeling your pain, right now. Thank god I’m not allergic to the cream!

  • Kristine says:

    I always get a yeast infection after taking antibiotics. I always ask for the Diflucan while the Dr. is writing the prescription for the antibiotics.

  • rebekah says:

    I share this allergy to yeast-infection medication. For me, it was like I’d grown gigantic, itchy testicles inside my labia. EVIL EVIL EVIL!

    I feel you, sister Bex. Also? Ass Pads is the name of my new band.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    I had a yeast infection once.

    The doctor made me use athlete’s foot cream on Mr. Happy (apparently, it’s the same fungus or whatever).

  • Betts says:

    I’ve had yeast infections, UTIs, hemorroids, and even passed a kidney stone once, but NOTHING is as funny as that.

  • lady lemon says:

    “I’ve never been so happy to go home and shove something gross up my vagina before.”

    I love you for posting this shameful and hilarious tale! More than you know.

    I have had a good number of crappy allergic reactions to medicines in my day, but none so funny as this. Labia the size of grapefruits? Wow, I bet there’s a fetish for that somewhere.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    @Hope OMG, hilarious!!

    And I totally hear you on the yeast infections! I get them a crazy amount of times and always have. My first was when I was 7. Let me tell you, that was a fun way to discover the joy of my vajayjay.

    I also happen to be allergic to something in Diflucan that makes my vagina break out in a worse rash and I get that rash to expand all over my body as well. So only the Monistat crap for me. *sigh*

  • mumma boo says:

    Owie ow ow! Thanks for the fan tip. I may have to try that next time. ;)

  • mnsm31 says:

    Oh man, that was a winner!!

    Yes, Yeast infections are horrible, I’ve had some pretty bad ones, my BF (bestie) calls it “baking loaves”

    I was put on some major Anti-biotics not to long ago, for 2 weeks, and I said well you better give me some Diflucan with that too, here I thought it would be 1 prescription, they gave me 6!! lol. that’s why I love women DR’s.

  • baseballmom says:

    Hahahahaaa! OMG, Bex, I”ve missed the hell outta you while my computer has had the viral infection from hell. I’ve never had a yeast infection, but I did use a pullup for a maxi pad on more than one occasion. Oh, and once while I was pregnant, we were staying with some friends of Coach in SanFran, and I was coughing in the kitchen and puked all over their clean rack of dishes on the counter. I had to try to be all quiet while I rewashed all of them without anyone knowing!

  • mojito girl says:

    Not so public, but definitely same area and very embarrasing. Burning, in a completely different way!

    http://secretlydrinkingmojitos.blogspot.com/

  • mojito girl says:

    Mine was entirely tooooo long to post as a comment. So I decided to embarrass myself on blog.

    http://www.secretlydrinkingmojitos.blogspot.com

    All about burning vaginas facing skyward to cool off.

    Fabulous. I know I did Aunt Becky proud here.

  • Shosh says:

    OMG. freaking hilarious

  • Pingback: Things That I Will Ban When I Rule The World. at Mommy Wants Vodka

  • Rebecca says:

    Oh the joys of remaining a virgin until an ungodly age. There aren’t many things on the list but this has to be one.

  • Candance says:

    OMG, my friend sent me the link to this because I, too, had an allergic reaction to Monistat. Sadly, my doctor told me to go directly to the emergency room because he was closed. I hobbled in there with my huge parts-that-should-be-on-the-inside-swollen-to-the-outside vajayjay and when the nurse came in to check on me she said, “You look familiar.” It was the same one I’d had when I’d been in two weeks before thanks to a migraine that induced uncontrollable vomiting and scared the hell out of my parents, who rushed me to the ER. I was all like, “Yeah, I’m back. This time it’s the other end.”

    And then I lay there, wishing to die.

  • Steph says:

    I once wore a pair of black pants that must’ve had a ton of dye in them, which managed to turn my underpants black and the furry furnance to swell enormously. It was VERY frightening as well as humiliating… I asked my semi new boyfriend at the time to take a “medical, objective look” at my crotch. I don’t think he’ll ever forget me :/

  • Steph says:

    You got it!

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