Now, we’ve established that I’m afraid of weird-ass things.

Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia, for one. I’m afraid he’s – or one of his guilt-inducing minions – is going to knife me in my sleep because I didn’t donate ten bucks to him last year. Plus, I’m afraid that he’d judging me for all the shit I Google.

jimmy wales-creepy-stare-wikipedia

I’m afraid of showering while no one is home because, HELLO, have you SEEN a horror movie? That’s how they all begin.

I’m afraid of sitting with my back toward any open door because I’m pretty sure I was a mobster in a past life, and hello, have you seen how they always get the shit blown out of them when they’re sitting with their back away from the door?

I’m also afraid of this guy:


Because do you want that guy giving you a thorough rectal exam?


Oddly, it turns out that I am absolutely terrified of commitment. Especially commitment to the government.

See, I’m taking Band Back Together and (spoiler alert!) turning it into a non-profit. And because I am terrified of screwing that up and then owing the IRS sixty-bajillion dollars plus my kidneys (not because I expect to MAKE a single dollar, mind you), I figured I’d call my lawyer.

Yeah, I have a lawyer. It’s not NEARLY as glamorous as it sounds.

So, we get on the phone and I’m all nervously trying to explain what the site is and stuff, and he’s like, “I’m sorry, Becky, but I don’t know much about non-profits. You can PROBABLY do it yourself.”

Which is precisely what the people who help me behind the scenes at Band Back Together said. But I didn’t believe them because do you KNOW how I fuck things up?

Anyway, I went and found the place where I’m supposed to start registering but I got all nervous and started shaking like a Chihuahua. Then I had to close the browser and perform some “deep cleansing breaths” (read: make a margarita).

Do these people not know how STUPID I am? I’ve documented that well, I think. And yet, the Illinois Secretary of State has not BLOCKED me from their website?

That is such an error on their end.

Pranksters, I don’t think I can do it by myself. I can barely go to the grocery store without forgetting why I’m there.

Now I’m waiting for someone to come over and hold my hand and tell me what to fill in for each box and when to click, “submit” and then I will hand them tens of dollars.

Otherwise, I’m going to end up without a set of kidneys and as that Nurse McPervy up there would like to point out, one cannot function without kidneys. Also: he’d like to give you a thorough rectal exam.

You know, when you’re ready.



38 Responses to What…Me Neurotic?

  • Ina Jones says:

    SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP AND DO IT! (that was me being all eye of the tiger, too much?) I am super scared of doing things I have never done before because I just KNOW I am going to fail at it. But you know what? After I do it, its never as scary as I made it out to be in my own little crazy head. Drink another margarita and lets do this shit!!

  • Erin says:

    Well, first of all, I went to nursing school…and quit a month for graduation because I ALWAYS COME HOME SMELLING LIKE POOP..but that entirely my issues..but I NEVER saw a guy that looked like that…E.V.E.R. We had to have our hair up and the guys had to be clean shaven. He looks like a serial killer. Maybe they totally stole that picture from a police line up. ANYWAYS..I started my own business three years ago (and sold it- see also: forced it onto my partner because I’m whiny and got bored with the hard math I had to do with the weekly billing..putting numbers into that software thingy was really hard! With two whole employees it was just more then I cold bare), yeah, my point. I understand you being scared. I went and talked to my accountant and nearly cried because to totally thought they were going to take all my toys. But they did not, and I still retain my kidneys. My spine on the other hand…well, a story for another day. I’m a huge fan, and a contributor, to The Band, and I hope to see it last a long time. It is an invaluable resource for the weary soul. Bless you, Aunt Becky.

  • Heather says:

    I don’t like sitting in any room with my back to a door. That includes my cubicle. I don’t think he looks much like a nurse either. Too funny. Good luck!

  • Lauren Elyse says:

    Dude, don’t do it by yourself if you’re scared! There’s all sorts of resources out there for starting a non-profit. Type that shit into Google and find them! And if your lawyer doesn’t know anything, do his friends? Do your friends? What about The Daver? He seems pretty hip. You CAN do this Aunt Becky.

  • NikkiK says:

    I have a screen shot saved of that Nurse McPervy up there – cause it was on an ad that said something like “Obama wants moms to go back to school.” Cause he’s such a good mom?

  • JoJo says:

    You CAN do this! You’re freakin amazing and the Dept of whoever is gonna be all, whoa, that’s the best non-profit idea we’ve ever seen. DO IT!!

  • Brandon says:

    I work for a non-profit, and I’m not learning a damn thing while I’m here. I know you’ll need an executive director, a board of trustees (to oversee your shit and make sure you’re not scamming people) and a bunch of other things you wouldn’t see in a normal business.

    Other than that, I’m useless as usual. But I love the idea, and wish you the best of luck!

    My Own Private Idaho

  • Siobhan GK says:

    Try the National Council on Nonprofits for guidance ( They should be able to help you out with whatever you need (and they won’t call you crazy or talk about you behind your back–nonprofit people are much nicer than that).

  • Chelsie says:

    Nurse McPervy kinda looks like Jesus on a three day coke bender. Just sayin’…

    (Not that I would want a rectal exam from our Lord and Saviour, either.)

  • Ami says:

    *hugs* I love you Aunt Becky, in that totally platonic way. And its so nice to know I’m not the only one who freaks out over weird chit like that. And I would SO hold your hand free of charge and we face the big scary legalese together if I was anywhere near Chicago.

    You can do it. I have faith in you.

  • Have you gotten to see the zombie chick who is trying to get you to reduce what you owe on your home loan? That one freaks me the hell out.

    Also? You have so many people behind you on the Band Back Together going non-profit stuff that I know you can do it!!

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom

    Good luck. I know nothing about this, which is why I have not been in any way helpful. But um, that “nurse”? He looks like he could hold a knife to someone’s throat until they helped you.

    Just noting, not suggesting.

  • Dr. O says:

    This is totally me when I’m submitting a grant, or my taxes, or a manuscript, or anything else that I could possibly SCREW UP. But really, being neurotic just means you like to get things right. I suggest we have t-shirts made up.

  • diana hampo says:

    every time i get pulled over i’m terrified the cop with find something horrible in my glove compartment. I haven’t had anything illegal or fun in my car in twenty years but when i see those blue lights i want to throw up.

  • The Mommy says:

    I will be of absolutely NO help, sorry. Just don’t break your toe while you’re doing it, mmkay?

    Oh, and I would give just about ANYTHING (except a kidney) to shower while no one was home to ask me where their ever-lovin’ Star Wars Death Star directions are while I was doing it.

  • Krissa says:

    So, like… you’re afraid someone is going to show up and watch a horror movie while you shower?
    I hope you get someone to help you do this shit. I know how you feel. I am still patting myself on the back for finally figuring out how to post an item for sale on craigslist.
    Six months ago.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      OH! I didn’t even MENTION my fears of Craig’s List.

      • Angela says:

        Dude, Craigslist IS scary. A few months ago, I tried to sell my old tv. People kept coming over and no one would take it! And it was free! Ugh. Finally, I got frustrated and just chopped the last guy up into little pieces. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Love you, AB! Good Luck! – Ang

  • ChiMomWriter
    Twitter: chimomwriter

    I worked in NP for 4 years, so I’m with Brandon – I know some of the components required, but not the details of actual setup. Bottom line: ChiMom = Utterly useless. It’s one of the reasons I’ve stalled on a project of my own. (The other is that I’m an exceptional procrastinator.)

    So if you figure out the forms, let me know. You can hold my hand while I fill in boxes, and then we’ll both go to jail for owing the govt for various scams.

  • Angie says:

    I thought it was Robert Downey Jr.! As to the fear of freakin it up… I like to nurture an idea until someone else gets so excited about it that they do the scary bits for me. 🙂 I’m a scared-procrastinating-friend user, and I’m ok with it.

  • Shevaun says:

    I am absolutely fantastic at filling out government forms and all that bullshit. Everyone’s gotta be good at something, right? And I can write grants like there’s no tomorrow. While I am not up on your state-specific requirements, I could certainly learn. Feel free to email me, and I can give you answers in English.
    And seriously, I am not sure you even need help, considering you kicked nursing school’s ass and I can’t remember anything about acetlycholinesterase, except how to spell it and that it is probably an enzyme(-ase=enzyme, right?).

  • Joules says:

    Um, you’ve managed to keep three kids alive and kicking ass for however long. Managed it with APLOMB, yo. You can rock the balls off of this non-profit shite.

  • You probably want a 501C (non-profit) organization. I’m not entirely sure, but talk to the lawyer about that and if he has no clue, find a lawyer who specializes in paperwork for non-profits. Good luck – I know you will do well!

  • Jessica B says:

    Aunt B, my husband is an attorney and he sets up non-profits all of the time. If you really need a hand, totally get in touch with me and I will make him help you through it. For reals.

  • lafemmeroar says:

    You’ll need somebody to guide you in filling out those forms and someone to check your answers in the same way a writer needs an editor and a proofreader. Good luck.

  • Carrie says:

    I went to law school. Even graduated and passed the bar, though I work in legal publishing and don’t practice. And I’m happy to help.

  • John says:

    I registered for a non-profit some time ago. Somewhere along the lines, I screwed it up. It was for a community EMS service – you give money every year and get discounted ambulance rides. Somehow, the company, itself, made money, as opposed to the people who were in charge (I was no longer associated with the group by then) taking any profit. It was a pain to get through.

    I don’t know if Illinois is easier to deal with than PA, but just be careful

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream

    That’s the same pervy dude who is in psychology graduate degree ads on my facebook page. Boy does he get around.


  • We just finished setting up our new synagogue as a NFP, and from what I’ve heard/seen, it really isn’t that bad. YOU CAN DO IT, AUNT BECKY!! We pranksters have faith in you!

    so exciting!

  • melanie says:

    ok so im no help whatsoever in you getting your non profit on… but as i understand them… they run on donations… and well.. once you do get it moving… i would like to offer my services to find ways for my community to donate to your site… i love it so much i make my friends at work and home and stuff look at it and read stuff and talk about it all the time and whatnot.. and i know they would love to give me money to give you money to keep it going forever and ever.. or just to get me to shut up… so hurry up and get your non profit on so we have a place to donate money and stuff kthanksbye 🙂

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