One might think that after telling The Internet that my son Alex had fallen in love with a cupcake shirt and wore a butterfly costume for Halloween this year, that he might be a little, well, girly.

Not so, Pranksters.

Alex’s second word was “penis.” Alex is also a frat boy.

I’ve mentioned that my son is being potty-trained, which means he’s been sitting around in his Cars-Themed Tighty Whities most of the day, here in the Sausage Factory, while I frantically insist he go to the bathroom every 4.8 seconds so as to not further ruin the horrifying once-white (WHITE!!) carpeting in my house. Potty-training! Ain’t it grand!

While I was upstairs, putting my daughter to bed last week, Ben (who is, for those not keeping score at home, nine) and Alex, aged three, decided that it would be best if they BOTH stripped down to their underwear to hang out.

My sons popped out from behind the couch to show me that they were both in their undies and because I am so used to seeing the house torn from it’s hinges after my brief “I’m putting the baby to bed” absence, I was a bit relieved. No one had knocked the ceiling fan off…yet.

“Okay,” I said to them, laughing. “But DON’T PEE ON ANYTHING.”

Still chuckling, I returned to my computer to scour the internet for some singing cat songs or dancing cacti videos. Those wily cactus videos get me going EVERY time!

Not two minutes later, my eldest tore through the living room, chasing my youngest son, both laughing so hard they was crying. I tore myself away from the cactus and looked up.

I saw a pair of naked butt cheeks as they disappeared around the bend.

What the hell?

And then again, the laughter and my youngest son, holding something up over his head as my eldest chased him, both giggling so hard they could barely stand it.

This time, as they came into my line of sight, I looked more closely. What the hell was going on?

I saw it: Alex was holding a pair of underwear over his head as Ben chased him.

They were…they were BEN’S underwear.

Oh sweet Lord.

The next time they rounded the bend, still chortling, I stopped Ben and asked him what was going on.

“Alex took my underwear off and now he,” *giggle, giggle* “now he” *giggle giggle* “now he won’t give it back!”

Alex was rolling on the floor, clutching his gut, laughing so hard that he was crying.

And then I said the words I’d never expected to say: “Alex, give your brother back his underwear. And you two, KEEP YOUR UNDERWEAR ON. PENISES BELONG IN THE BEDROOM OR THE BATHROOM. THEY ARE PRIVATE.”

And then, I died.

The Frat House

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64 thoughts on “Welcome To The Frat House

  1. Oh, aunt becky, I feel your pain.
    My potty trained 4 year loves to go around naked and I also have uttered the words, Penises belong in the bedroom or the bathroom now go put some undies on, many many times myself. Many times. Have I mentioned that I have said that many times. He, like most guys, have a hard time with that concept. LOL.
    I am potty training my 2 year old daughter and am amazed at how often I have to say, No, things don’g go there! put your undies back on!
    I will have to go through all of this again in about 2 years when I will have to potty train another boy. The joys, the joys=)

    Anyway, at least they were playing nicely and not trying to beat each other up…lol.

  2. You…said…PENIS! ahahahahahaha!
    I am not sure you will survive either…but hey, at least they waited til little sister was out of sight. Gotta give em props for that!

  3. Again… So glad I had girls… Except now they’re 13 and 15 and the older one is getting interested in ::gasp:: boys. (pass the vodka, m’kay?)

  4. Again… So glad I had girls… Except now they’re 13 and 15 and the older one is getting interested in ::gasp:: boys. (pass the vodka, m’kay?)

  5. My kids are always naked. And it’s not because I WANT them to be (CYS, leave me alone, please) but for some inexplicable reason they’re always too hot. On a positive note, answering the door with children in various stages of undress behind you is an EXCELLENT way to keep the Jehovah’s Witness gentlemen from coming back…

    And my Little One (19months old) is forever requesting my bra to play with (She can see it in the whirlpool tub. What? You don’t store yours in YOUR tub?!?!).

  6. We are in the throes of potty training as well with our son. I can not begin to tell you his delight when he discovered that little boys’ underwear has a hole in the front. I mostly sit back and enjoy listening to my husband tell him to get his hand out of the hole of his underpants and to also let go of his penis.

  7. OMG I don’t think I have laughed this hard in a LONG time. I now have 2 boys after adopting my sons younger brother it’s complicated but we have the two girl 2 boy thing going it’s a scary combo in this house. But nothing like that yet. I needed that laugh. Your boys are HILARIOUS. Oh someday I will tell you of the story of my daughter telling about my son toughing her in a her no no spot and it turned out to be her knee funny stuff. Ok maybe not we’ll see babbling. Cause I am laughing to hard. Good luck in the teen years.

  8. Would you mind coming to Brooklyn to explain all this to the dude who lives in the bus stop? At 6:30 yesterday morning he veered to the center of the sidewalk, directly in my path as I walked the dog, and whipped his beef stick out for a pee. While singing. Along with his boombox.

    Please?

    He might listen to you.

  9. Oh, the fun of potty training. I swear my son wet his pants very 10 minutes the first two days. And then, all of a sudden, it clicked. Now, if we can just get rid of the night time pullups.

  10. LOL. Girls? No better. V loves the nekkid dash to the front window to sit on the couch and flash the neighbours. I’m sure she’ll stop before she’s 12.

  11. My 8 1/2 year-old is always running around the house naked. He cannot be persuaded to dress. I’m OK with it, because I’d rather he be comfortable with his body than ashamed of it. Or rather, I should say I’m uncomfortable with it until he decides he wants to do somersaults in the living room, say. And then I tell him, “Son, that’s not a good look on anybody. If you’re going to do somersaults, please cover the junk.”

  12. Pretty sure I live in a frat house too, but I only have one girl. And she’s 4. She was admiring her naked self in the mirror this morning, while laughing and singing “shake your booty.”. She has been known to wear her own underwear on her head. And I finally had to make a rule that we only talk about butts and poop in the bathroom when we’re using the potty. Because I got sick of having every other word be butt or poop.

    Also, she likes to talk about her “peen” because she has not quite asked for the proper name for the girl parts, but has seen and talked about boy parts (peanuts, dontcha know) in the bathroom at daycare.

  13. My boys are 7 & 8 and still run around the house naked most mornings. I’ve convinced them that grandparents have issues with naked boys & they need to wear clothes when they are around but the rest of the time… not so much. Now I am working on ‘you don’t touch your penis in public. not even with your clothes on. go to your room or the bathroom if you want to touch your penis.’

  14. I’ve been potty training Bean for an entire year now and I think we’re finally getting somewhere. I was derailed for a bit by one of the grandma’s who thought it would be cute/funny to teach that boys stand up to pee.
    Let me tell you… It’s cute the first time, then they fire hose all over the house and the fun stops.

  15. If it’ll make you feel better, my brother and his wife between them have four boys and two girls and they’re expecting another boy in May. 5 boys….between the ages of birth and 17. Now that’s a frat house. What scared my brother the most was having two girls hit their teenage years at the same time.

  16. I am surrounded by boys! I have 3 boys, I am married, and one of my husband’s friends lives with us. I have no sisters and my mother passed away 8 years ago. My point…I can relate 100%. Everyday feels like a Frat Party at my house. Pulling down someone’s pants and torturing each other is how they say I love you.

  17. I have THREE boys and can’t top this one. Makes me feel like a failure as a parent, with very few penis incidences to hold over their heads later in life. Well, there was the one time right after I got done talking to Sam about how we don’t talk about certain things in public, and I took him to the bank and he was sitting in the counter or so jauntily swinging his feet and said.”I have a penis and my dad is in jail!” *sniff* a prouder moment I have not had. 🙂

  18. We had Christmas with our big girls and grand kids on Sunday night. A boy is still such a novelty in this hen house, the girls out number the men 9 to 2, and that’s counting my husband and the timy little boy.

    My oldest step-daughter had to change the small boys diaper, and Mea and my youngest granddaughter stopped everything to gawk at what was in his pants. I’m pretty sure they are still confused.

  19. Why do I have the image of your kiddos sliding through the living room in their drawers singing, “Just take those old records off the shelf….” at the tops of their little lungs?

  20. GAH!! I hate when I post a long reply and my Internet gets to it. Let me make it brief (or lack thereof). 7 boys, cousins, family gathering. Naked Conga line to put on a show for the adults. Video WAS taken for when they are in their teens.

    Though, I would hate to fucking explain THAT video if the cops ever went through my video collection, and am kinda glad I am not the owner of that video lol.

  21. I always tell people that my Boy Child is a male, yes, but he’s also A Guy. Complete with penis waving at the dinner table, and hanging a BA to his sister when she’s nagging him. He’s FOUR.

  22. ah, yes, carpeting and potty-training… i remember those days. we ripped up the carpet to find, to our great delight, hardwood floors underneath. 😀

    i’ve heard that laminate flooring is pretty easy to install. 🙂

    what a riot… i don’t know how you even held it together long enough to lecture them on where penises belong. LOL!

  23. We lived in Sydney Australia for a couple of years and my youngest boy was going through his potty training. We have tons of stories about this time but the best is at a Chinese restaurant. I took him to the bathroom and he was so proud that he went by himself, he ran back to the table shouting for everyone to hear.

    Mommy I peed on the wall!!!!!!

    The urinals were the type that went down to the floor. Needless to say, the waiter quickly went into the restroom to check which wall.

      1. Oh yes, from using cherry/grape tomatoes and Christmas tree balls as bouncy balls, the pee trails to the bathrooms, to teaching my oldest to know when he has to poop, raising boys is fun. We still ask him, as a teenager if he has pooped this week or last.

  24. One time, of the probably 5 times I ever went out for a night out on the town (paid our only sitter, a teacher at his daycare, to spend the night, because my parents never did do overnight sitting gigs when they knew we’d be out getting busted up), I came home wanting to die. Not that I drank that much, but I was WAY out of practice. It was those “one shot is one too many…but as long as I’m doing one anyway…” kind of nights. I paid the sitter, played with my son (3 at the time, he’s almost 7 now) for as long as I could before the scratching sound my eyeballs made every time I blinked made me succumb to the notion of bribing him for a nap.

    I put on The Incredibles, laid down with him, he said he had to go potty. I was like “SCORE! This potty training thing is WORKING!” He went alone into his bathroom down the hall. I laid there, I laid there some more. I almost drifted off and thought “What the eff is he DOING in there?”

    Look, we’ll never know what exactly he was doing in there. All I know is my extremely hungover ass walked in and asked “Buddy, what are you doing?” and he announced “Mommy, LOOK at how BIG my PENIS is right now!”

    Yes, I’m not one to use baby words for body parts. No, I was not ready for that. I think I mumbled something along the lines of “Cool, just remember that’s only for YOU to know right now.”

    I like to think I’d have responded similarly without the wicked hangover.

  25. Ah yes, the famous “Keep your penis in your pants” discussions. I have those with my husband often.
    Great post! You had me smiling throughout…partly because I’m glad it’s you and not me. My kids have not graduated to actual discussions about their testicles. See. More fun time ahead. And you can blog about it! We should have more kids just for the added blog fodder!

  26. Oh, and another thing. Two kids, nekkie:

    girl: My brother doesn’t have a vagina.

    boy: I have a penis!

    me: That’s right, girls have vaginas, boys have penises.

    girl: Well I can share my vagina with my brother.

    me {sharp intake of breath}: Noooooooo… Noooooooo…Noooooooo… {trying not to over-react} your vagina is private.

    girl: But you always say it’s more fun to share!

  27. With my daughter it was most often, “get your finger out of your bum! We don’t put things in our bums!” Now that she’s 4 it’s, “Playing with your vagina is only for at home, it’s private.” I have to say I’m not too strict on the whole naked thing. So long as we don’t haves she’s allowed brief naked stints, my favourite being when she ran around maniacally singing a song with the lyrics, “I’m naked naked naked naked!”

    I’m waiting to see if she’s still lifting her dress over her head when summer rolls back around.

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