So, because I am lazy and unconcerned about facts, I often use Wikipedia when looking for such information as “How do you build a nuclear reactor?” and “What is my middle name?” Occasionally, I’ll use Wikipedia to make me laugh because, well, obviously. Once, they called my town, St. Charles (IL, not MO) “the land of the drunks” and once they quoted Brian “I Hate The North Shore” Parkins as saying, “I hate the North Shore.”

If I had screen shots, it would be better.

Anyway, Wikipedia is fine and I’m still all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER about beating Wikipedia’s entry for John C. Mayer.

But the last time I was searching Wikipedia for “why are oranges called orange?” I had this horrible, awful thing happen to me. It was so bad that I had to lay down and shake like a purse dog (if I were on Wikipedia, I’d know what they were called) until I could get up again.

Why was I so afraid?

JIMMY MOTHERFUCKING WALES.

JIMMY MOTHERFUCKING WALES

PRANKSTERS, JIMMY MOTHERFUCKING WALES WAS STARING AT ME.

I’ve never been so afraid of the internet before. Look at his scary creepy eyes!

It’s like he’s one of those old time paintings from a haunted mansion and his eyes follow you EVERYWHERE.

Those eyes are JUDGING what you’re LOOKING UP. Jimmy Motherfucking WALES was JUDGING my Wikipedia searches. I knew it! I knew he was judging me! HOW DARE HE JUDGE ME WHEN HE PUT UP SUCH A HORRIBLE GUILT-RIDDEN “PERSONAL APPEAL?”

Jimmy Motherfucking Wales wants my MONEY or he’s going to creep me out half-to-death.

I did the only logical thing. I took to Twitter, horribly butchered his name and called him out on his creepy funhouse eyes.

TODAY JIMMY MOTHERFUCKING WALES IS GONE. VANISHED. POOF!

NOT JIMMY MOTHERFUCKING WALES.

This can mean only one thing, Pranksters:

We killed Jimmy Wales…

…and his creepy funhouse eyes.

Comments

comments

34 thoughts on “WE KILLED JIMMY WALES

  1. Sooo good! He was creeping me out too. Now what i really want to know is that given your penchant for using the middle names of celebrities is MF REALLY Jimmy Wales’s last name and if so, does wikipedia answer the question, “What in the name of all that is holy were the parents of Jimmy Wales thinking??”

  2. Okay, so I just did a John C. Mayer Google search and you beat Wikipedia, with the 2nd and 3rd search results. Twitter was the 1st result for me.

  3. Wow, good job y’all. Now could you focus on my sister in law growing the fuck up or at the very least shutting the fuck up. Cuz that bitch is driving everybody crazy or at least I know she would if you knew her.

    Thanks!

  4. Does it mean anything when I do not know, nor care, who Jimmy Effing Wales is? I never use Wikipedia. There are just a couple of subjects where I have some very deep and detailed knowledge. I looked on Wikipedia about those topics and they were so full of misinformation and downright lies that I figure why try to use them about things with whichI am not highly conversant.

    So, Becky, I’m glad you killed him. Do you need any help hiding the body?

  5. That’s also why I gave up newspapers and TV news. Not Jimmy Effin’ Wales but because I had a job I was good at, the kind of job that sometimes made the news. I have a hobby that demands a certain amount of learnin’ that also sometimes made the news. Well, every time I saw something in the paper or on the teevee about those, they were not only wrong but flatassed silly about being far from the possibilities. So, no Wiki, no teevee news and no newspaper. I’ll still help you hide Jimmy Effin’ Wales’ body, though.

  6. i love that you found jimmy motherfucking wales staring at you on the scopophobia page! btw, i got kartika today and she’s way too young to be an author, but ding dong the wales is dead.

  7. Some religious lady told me that Jimmy Wales only pops up if your name is on the going to hell list.
    So after I threw her off a steep embankment, well guess what?
    Jimmy Wales popped up on my next WIKI search. That proves it’s true

  8. The eyes are only the beginning of it!

    I wonder when the news media will figure out that the Wikimedia Foundation spends on program services only 41 cents of every dollar they scam from donors, which earns them ONE STAR (out of four!) from Charity Navigator in organizational efficiency. In fact, their KPMG audit discovered that it only takes about $2.5 million to keep the servers running, provide ample bandwidth, and staff a team of code developers to keep things running smoothly. Why, then, is the ask for $20 million? No wonder he looks so nervous — like someone is about to blow the cover on his financial scam.

    I also wonder why the news media never thought to cover the 2009 story of how the Wikimedia Foundation needed extra office space, and as if by magic, they hand-picked Jimmy Wales’ for-profit corporation to be their landlord, THEN obtained competitive bids, THEN asked Wales’ for-profit company to match the average of the competitive bids.

    I too wonder why the media don’t seem to care that the 2010 market research study of past Wikimedia Foundation donors was awarded to the former employer of the WMF staffer running the project, without any competitive bidding whatsoever. And when the Executive Director of the Wikimedia Foundation was asked how much the project cost, the guy asking the question was banned from the online discussion.

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