Today is Beaver Talk With Aunt Becky day over at Toy With Me and I’m doing a companion piece to last week’s Girl Crush. The topic? FRENEMIES. I’d love it if you’d weigh in. It’s also shockingly safe for work, because besides rocking a couple of f-bombs, I don’t even think I talk about humping or my vagina at all.

Also: what the hell is WRONG with me?

It’s called “With Enemies Like This, Who Needs Friends?

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THEN, I guest posted on my friend Jen’s blog, “Maybe if you Just Relax,” because she is funny as shit and sweet and we have children who are roughly the same age. It’s an old post that I sent her because it’s so full of The Awesome that it needs re-running somewhere else. But, you need to go love on it and her because it’s hilarious.

I never posted the epilogue and I will do it in the comments because I will do anything for you o! Internet, my Internet.

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Tomorrow the winner to my Open Your Whore Mouth contest will be announced and THEN! I have a new contest which will be even easier to enter and it’s going to be ridiculously fun.

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And lastly, a blast from the past:

Aunt Becky: “Dude, I’m STARVING. I can’t wait to finish buying this car so we can eeeaaaattt.” (rubs stomach dramatically for effect)

Daver: “Me too.”

Aunt Becky (jokingly): “Are you saying I’m fat?”

Daver (rolls eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm) “Yes. You’re a damn beached whale.”

Aunt Becky (laughs): “Ass.”

Car salesman eyeball go back and forth and eventually become as wide as dinner plates.

Car Salesman: “So, heh-heh, how long have you been married?”

Aunt Becky begins to count on fingers as The Daver looks on, amused.

Aunt Becky: “Uhhhh….”

The Daver: “I can’t believe you don’t remember our anniversary.” (sniffs loudly for effect) “Four and a half years. We’ve been married for four and a half years.”

Aunt Becky: “No shit?”

Daver: “No shit.”

Aunt Becky: “It seems like a freaking eternity.”

Daver: “You’d better mean that in a good way…”

Aunt Becky: “Uh, heh-heh, of course, dear.”

Car Salesman looks acutely uncomfortable and makes up an excuse to get up and walk away.

Daver: “We scare people.”

Aunt Becky: “Hehe.”

Comments

comments

73 thoughts on “We Don’t Even Charge Admission To The Freak Show (et. all)

  1. You are so awesome. 3 great posts in one. I am not down with the bitchy girl time. I just don’t have the energy.

    My husband is really my best friend. I can’t think of anyone else I have as good of a time with. We ALWAYS play good cop/bad cop and the car dealership and we scare people too. I LOVE IT.

  2. Any good, money hugry car salesman worth his salt would have been unphased by the bickering bickersons routine and would have kept the Glengarry Glen Ross motto of ABC (always be closing)in his head. You found yourself one wuss of a salesman.

  3. can I just say that I LOVED the car salesman thing. Jim and I are so like that, in front of just about everyone and most people don’t get that we aren’t seriously out to kill each other. Our poor kids don’t have a chance at normal. Love that someone else does the same thing.

    Oh and yeah I should win that contest cause I should. LOL

  4. Hopefully you frightened him enough to give you a good deal so you would go away. Mayhem terrorized the guy who sold us the mini van. I think he gave us the deal we wanted so we would not go on any more test drives with him.

  5. You sound like my husband and me. We constantly pick on each other like that. To most people it probably sounds like we hate each other, lol.

    Oh, and I posted a LONG reply to your Frenemies post. I have a doozy of a story there and most of it isn’t even told because it would take at least two pages to tell all of the crap this girl pulled.

  6. When I used to do home care I was treating a woman and her husband was present. They were obviously a tasing kind of couple. At one point the husband said, “I loved my first wife better.” I was a little shocked by this, and probably kind of like that car salesman. Then they both laughed and revealed that SHE was his first wife.

    1. When I used to do home care I was treating a woman and her husband was present. They were obviously a tasing kind of couple. At one point the husband said, “I loved my first wife better.” I was a little shocked by this, and probably kind of like that car salesman. Then they both laughed and revealed that SHE was his first wife.

      Oops! TEASING kind of couple. NOT TASING!

  7. We are so alike. I believe I scare people too. I try to say the most outrageous things at work. I work in a crazy place. I have not hit the limit and I have dropped the cunt punt phrase.

  8. Just wait, in a few years you can have those kind of conversations in public AND embarrass the crap out of your children at the same time.

    Because isn’t that the reason you have kids, to embarrass them in public.

  9. Hubby walks out of office after having a colonoscopy this morning…Swirl Girl standing there with ‘It’s A Boy’ balloons from hospital gift shop.

    we get you, Aunt Becky.

  10. Went to lunch with a male co-worker and we both sat on the same side of a 4 person table because we were going to actually do some work and needed to both be able to look at the same piece of paper. None of our various work stuff was out yet as we had just managed to sit down and Perky the waitress bounced over and said, “You two are so cute sitting together like that!” I looked her right in the eye and said, “We have to both face the door so we can watch for his wife. Last time I was facing away from the door and she managed to hit me in the head with a rock before he could tell me to duck.” The look on her face was the best!

  11. –>I got my first ever brand new car earlier this year. We had been on the lot for almost a hour with the dealer before I realized my husband was in shorts on a cold day in mid-February. Not too bad til I realized he was wearing his SLIPPERS.

    We’re those people too.

    ~deb
    http://www.WebSavyMom.com

    1. The look on the dealer’s face, I wish I’d had a camera. He was SO uncomfortable. You could tell he didn’t know if I was going to throw down and beat the SHIT out of Dave or not, which made me wonder how many times people had done that before, you know?

  12. Aunt Becky! You are a riot. Please…pretty please, can you be a guest blogger on my blog? My poor little blog needs life, snark and a subject matter thats friggin funny. No rules, no boundries, no cencorship. I need a some fun on my blog. Interested?

  13. well…at least you didn’t tell The Daver to “shut his whore mouth!” That might have may the situation a little more awkward. But if the car guy can’t take a joke…well F him!

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