With a little help from mah friend Jason.
Also? Have been blogging on my Frugal Living Blog again.

1) Order sweet potato fries for the whole table, then, rather than share, grab the basket and lick each fry, claiming them as your own.

2) Order – and drink – Appletini’s. For real.

3) Inform everyone from the guy down the street selling papers to the barista at Stardollars how much better Breaking Bad is than The Wire. If they disagree, begin to speak in a loud voice using small words to provide a moment-by-moment breakdown of each scene for the past four seasons. When they finally agree, just to shut you the fuck up, then admit, “Hey, but it’s not as good as Lost.”

4) Whistle badly, tunelessly, at all points in which your mouth is not defending The Lost Conspiracy.*

5) Casually mention that you’ve “discovered” the most amazing (insert store/bar/restaurant here) even though all of them are easily found in the phone book or on Yelp.

6) End every conversation with, “Yes, but what would FREUD say about that?”

7) Insist upon chewing at least three pieces of gum at all points while away and rather than chew quietly, smack your mouth open and closed as loudly as possible so as to mimic a cow eating grass.

8) Quote Scarface often in the worst possible accent you can muster; inserting it into conversations in which it has no bearing.

9) Drink beverages with a straw and spend at least ten minutes after the liquid has been ingested making that horrifying sucking noise, trying to ensure that every single molecule is inside your mouth.

10) Brush off every single one of the accomplishments of other children by saying breezily, “Yeah, well, Little Jimmy was doing THAT at age four. Do you think something’s wrong with (insert name of other child here) to be doing this so BEHIND?”

11. Aimee says: Talk on the phone while in the bathroom. Loudly. And be sure to choose the only stall next to another person.

12. Stacey Says: Never let anyone finish a story. ALWAYS leap in with yours before they get to teh end. Bonus asshole points if it isn’t just a similar story but tops theirs significantly.

13) Luna Says: Ask them if they’ve found Jesus yet. If they say “Yes”, ask “Was he under the couch?” If they say no, invite them to read from the Bible with you.

14) Luna Says: Fart. Loudly. Then chide them loudly for farting.

15) Luna Says: Stand the wrong way in the elevator.

16) Luna Says: Start selling a MLM scheme.

17) Luna Says: Demand that you split the restaurant bill evenly (5 people, check split evenly 5 ways), but order 3 times as much as everyone else. Do not share under any circumstances.

18) Cindy Says: show them all the pictures of your kids/dogs/boat collection. (yes, I just had someone show me pictures of his boat collection.)

19) Sandy Says: Put an “Out of Order” sign on the door of the restroom at work and see how long it takes for maintenance to take it down.

20) Anonymous Says: Invite yourself to move in with your best friend, decide to stay indefinitely, talk about inappropriate subjects in front of their children, be late with rent, and just generally overstay your welcome.

21) Luna Says: TMI. Always tell people about your bowel movements and your menstrual flow. Words like “clots” and “squirt” are particularly useful.

22) Luna Says: Make a great big screaming deal out of your birthday. Refuse to acknowledge anyone else’s.

23) Luna Says: Make food for your friends with food allergies. INSIST that the food is safe. Refuse to let up until they try it. When they get sick, say, “Well, I tried my best! I didn’t think a LITTLE would hurt!”

24) Brenay Says: Call/ text/ email obsessively to confirm a date to spend time with your friend. Cancel five minutes before you are supposed to meet, using the worst excuse you can think of. For example, you can say you totally forgot about the lunch date because you had to go get a gallon of milk. (You are lactose intolerant.)

25) Lovelyn Says: Call your friends regularly at ungodly hours. When they answer ask, “Where you sleeping?” When they say yes, ignore them and start giving them a minute by minute account of your day.

26) Ryen Says: Step into a busy elevator, press every button, then turn around to face your now angry audience and clasp your hands together and say, “I’ve gathered you all here today to”……and then finish with the most awesome, bizarre thing you can think of.

27) Meg Says: Don’t flipping tell me to have a BLESSED day. I’ll go see  a priest if I need to get fucking blessed.

*I do not know what this means either.

—————-

Your turn, Pranksters!
 
Leave me a comment with another way to make enemies and lose friends and I’ll add it to the list above with your name and a link to your blog or social media!
Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

23 Responses to 27 Ways To Make Enemies and Lose Friends

  • Aimee says:

    11. Talk on the phone while in the bathroom. Loudly. And be sure to choose the only stall next to another person.

  • stacey says:

    12. Never let anyone finish a story. ALWAYS leap in with yours before they get to teh end. Bonus asshole points if it isn’t just a similar story but tops theirs significantly.

  • 12) Ask them if they’ve found Jesus yet. If they say “Yes”, ask “Was he under the couch?” If they say no, invite them to read from the Bible with you.
    13) Fart. Loudly. Then chide them loudly for farting.
    14) Stand the wrong way in the elevator.
    15) Start selling a MLM scheme.
    16) Demand that you split the restaurant bill evenly (5 people, check split evenly 5 ways), but order 3 times as much as everyone else. Do not share under any circumstances.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    show them all the pictures of your kids/dogs/boat collection. (yes, I just had someone show me pictures of his boat collection.)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Wow. How many boats were in it? That’s just WEIRD.

    • The Mommy says:

      I sat beside two pilots on a flight (they weren’t flying – it’s actually a long story, but I’m trying to make it short so as not to be on the annoying list…) and one was going on and on about how beautiful “she” was and how it was nice to “see” her every weekend and so on. Finally he asked the other dude if he wanted to see a photo. Of course, I HAD to look…and it was his boat. {SIGH} Men.

  • Sandy says:

    Put an “Out of Order” sign on the door of the restroom at work and see how long it takes for maintenance to take it down.

  • Anonymous says:

    Invite yourself to move in with your best friend, decide to stay indefinitely, talk about inappropriate subjects in front of their children, be late with rent, and just generally overstay your welcome.

  • Brenay says:

    Call/ text/ email obsessively to confirm a date to spend time with your friend. Cancel five minutes before you are supposed to meet, using the worst excuse you can think of. For example, you can say you totally forgot about the lunch date because you had to go get a gallon of milk. (You are lactose intolerant.)

  • 21) TMI. Always tell people about your bowel movements and your menstrual flow. Words like “clots” and “squirt” are particularly useful.
    22) Make a great big screaming deal out of your birthday. Refuse to acknowledge anyone else’s.
    23) Make food for your friends with food allergies. INSIST that the food is safe. Refuse to let up until they try it. When they get sick, say, “Well, I tried my best! I didn’t think a LITTLE would hurt!”

  • Lovelyn
    Twitter: NebulousMooch
    says:

    Call your friends regularly at ungodly hours. When they answer ask, “Where you sleeping?” When they say yes, ignore them and start giving them a minute by minute account of your day.

  • Ryen says:

    Step into a busy elevator, press every button, then turn around to face your now angry audience and clasp your hands together and say, “I’ve gathered you all here today to”……and then finish with the most awesome, bizarre thing you can think of.

  • Don’t flipping tell me to have a BLESSED day. I’ll go see a priest if I need to get fucking blessed.

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    Number 16 is my favorite.

    Another excellent way to make enemies is to only interact with people who buy the products you are selling through your MLM and to completely ignore anyone who hasn’t bought the latest wrap/candle/sex toy from your collection – even if you’ve been friends since kindergarten.

    And then there’s always being a horrible houseguest – leave a mess, cook food but don’t make enough for your hosts, stay longer than you said you would, reorganize all their kitchen cabinets, have sex on their dining room table and drink all their booze.

  • Marta
    Twitter: marta28
    says:

    Number 17 all the way. Also. Breaking Bad IS better than the Wire.

  • Fool Critic says:

    Carry around a pre-recorded clip of a studio audience clapping and laughing. Play it whenever you make a joke. Especially a bad one.

    Buy a packet of Oreos and scoop out the filling of every single one. Refill them with toothpaste, and leave them in a jar for guests.

    Go through all your friends’ Facebook accounts and “like” every single old photo/status so they have 742 notifications next time they log in.

    Create a fake Facebook profile with your friend’s exact details – name and profile picture must be an exact match. Add them as a friend.

  • Jennifer June
    Twitter: theladyslounge
    says:

    Choose a random acquaintance (1 at a time) and declare that they are your best friend.

    Call them that in front of them when talking to other people.

    Text them relentlessly throughout the day with play by play announcements about your day.

    Oh! Just saw the cutest puppy lol!

    Oh my god this line up is sooooooooo long! I hate line-ups.

    I’m eating couscous for lunch, totes wish I had pita and hummus to go with it. What are you eating for lunch?

    Hello?

    Helllloooooo!

    OMG! Hilarious! Are you even there?

    Heloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?

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