Way back before we became full of The Sickness, Round Elventy-ninerish (I too am now full of The Sick) I caught what was likely The Dreaded Swine Flu of Ought Niner. I say that not because I was running around the house screaming “BRING OUT YOUR SWINE” and clanging a cowbell because honestly, I was too sick to even moan, let alone come close to anything resembling running.

Well, I was pretty fucking pissed at the pig who gave me The Swine and I decided in a feverish haze that I was going to sue the shit out of the pig on The People’s Court. Of course I told The Internet all about this, because obviously. I was very, very sick. Also, I was very, very stoned on cough syrup.

(did you know that they card you for cough syrup? THEY TOTALLY DO)

Well, Your Aunt Becky has a Best Friend who gave her a hand while she was sick (because she is full of The Awesome and you should hump her leg too).

And guess who won her case!!

VICTORY IS MINE

Oh yes. The judge ruled FOR ME OVER SWINE FLU. I WON MY CASE ON THE PEOPLE’S COURT.*

I AM A CELEBRITY NOW BECAUSE I WAS ALMOST ON THE PEOPLE’S COURT! TAKE THAT SWINE FLU!

*rips off shirt and runs around room knocking stuff over and trying to start a riot in my living room like they do on Jerry Springer before realizing I was alone*

The cat eyeballed me warily and then goes back to sleep after licking her butt, the dog looked annoyed for a second before realizing that I wasn’t going to give him a treat and then resumed his life as a houseplant. The baby and the toddler napped on, oblivious to their ridiculous mother.

Next up, I am TOTALLY giving that pig a paternity test on Maury.

——————–

While I wasn’t here, I was off doing other things (I am setting up a professional website like a BIG GIRL too!). It’s making me look way more prolific than I actually am.

First, I went to Divine Caroline and wrote about how I am an old fart this year for Christmas and what’s worse than anything is that it means that I’m turning into my parents. Since it’s the first thing I wrote there, the site is begging you to comment for some reason. Maybe it thinks I’m insecure or something. *shrugs*

Then I traveled up north to Canada to tell the story of when I was Satan’s Little Helper. I cannot believe I never blogged this before. Talk about previously repressed memories.

And lastly, it’s Beaver Talk With Aunt Becky at Toy With Me, where I’m talking about Girl Crushes. Besides my standard foul mouth, I think this is shockingly safe for work.

——————-

*Isn’t that the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in your WHOLE LIFE? It’s a REAL signed picture! She didn’t fake it or anything! I have been laughing my ass off ALL DAY LONG. That’s getting framed and going on my wall.

Comments

comments

110 thoughts on “Victory Tastes Like Bacon. Mmmmm Bacon. (etc)

  1. That’s fucking awesome! Definitely made my day. Also, I’m pleased to be the first commenter! (Yeah I just said that on your page… It’s an honor.)

      1. LMAO! Oh God yea, I get that too. And we won’t even start on the looks one gets when birth-control is the item of choice…I feel judgement. I feel lots of judgement.

  2. I feel a little awkward commenting on my own awesomeness but I always comment so I won’t let awesomeness get in the way of my awesome comment. I too got a case of the Swines. I am going to sue you Aunt Becky because I was fine until you and I started chatting about YOU being sick. Then I got sick. So when you come to Nueva York be prepared to go head to head with me. Also, I am taking you to Maury because you need to get off the crack. Kisses!

  3. Oh, God, I think I have it. I woke up feeling like death this morning. Not death warmed over, just cold hard death. Luckily Oscar still seems pretty chipper and swine (and fever) free, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. He has been vaccinated, but Darin and I have not, so we’ll see.

    Thanks for the laugh! I hear that laughter and fan girl worship (you are my only only) cures the piggy flu. And maybe…bacon? Like homeopathic or vaccine science? Bacon to fight bacon? I may have to try that.

  4. That is totally fuckin cool!! I heart Marilyn Milian!! And I am totally going to watch you on Maury as long as you PROMISE to say how you ain’t never even been with nobody else in your whole life an shit!!

  5. Dude, that is soooo cool! I’m a little sad that I can’t be your witness now, since your claim seems to have been settled out of court. Damn swine flu. Hooray for People’s Court!

  6. It’s crazy, it’s harder to score sudafed than my beloved vicodin. My god, what’s next? Controlled alcohol sales? What is the world coming too???

  7. NO FUCKING WAY BEX!!! I am a people’s court fanatic!!! And I LOVE Judge Marilyn! If not for this pesky job, I’d be watching it right now in my underwear!

    Seriously, that is crazy hilarious!

  8. Did Rusty the bailiff hand-deliver it to you? Now you need to get one of those talking frames for it and record the theme song so you can play it every time you walk into the room.

  9. I’m so jealous that you beat a pig in court.
    Carding people for cold medicine! WTF IS UP WITH THAT?? It pains me that they are punishing the people with boogers. I picked up a prescription last week and they carded me for the NyQuil…huh?
    I think we should just let the meth addicts kill themselves with it…survival of the fittest. Or the smartest…whatever. I’d rather have my fat ass than bad skin and no teeth.
    Now I am going to get a bunch of crybaby comments about how people have issues…and I shouldn’t judge. Maybe the people’s court will send me a signed picture telling me that The Internet has sued me over being a big meanie to “addicts”.
    Boo-friggety-who!
    Can I sue dust? Cause I am totally losing my mind with allergies.

      1. Yesterday you asked for favorite posts……..I gave a couple but another is when you write letters to your television boyfriends. Those are funny.

        I am so excited to see your love letter to Dexter……..

  10. When I pick up my adderall at the pharmacy (which really is meth!) they hand it right over but I try to buy some DayQuil and I got carded!!!!

    If you go on Maury for the paternity test be sure to insist you haven’t slept with anyone else. Even if you are on like your fifth test or something. And be sure to jump up and try to rip someone’s hair out so the bodyguards can pretend to hold you back.

    Man, I’m going to have to put the kids to bed super early tonight to read all your post all over the place.

    1. Oh, when I go on Maury, I’m going with like 25 guys that I’ve “not slept with” that will all be tested and each time I’ll be like, “well, it was just him. AND I KNOW HE’S THE DADDY.”

      Then I’ll rip my shirt off and run around. Because, obviously.

  11. Christmas store read, liked and commented on, over at Divine Caroline.

    About you question from yesterday, it’s not easy, because all your posts are good, and about a third of them are pure genius. πŸ˜€

    Fun picture today – is she one of your faithful readers now? Because who knows, she might be πŸ™‚

    Cristina (aka blablabla34)

    1. Christmas story read, liked and commented on, over at Divine Caroline.

      About you question from yesterday, it’s not easy, because all your posts are good, and about a third of them are pure genius. πŸ˜€

      Fun picture today – is she one of your faithful readers now? Because who knows, she might be πŸ™‚

      Cristina (aka blablabla34)

  12. I got a little bit ornery earlier today and said that I googled donkey porn and sweater kittens on the momslikeme website and my comment was removed. I really do hope that I make you proud…not that it was removed but that I used a couple of your phrases because you really are pretty awesome…anyway here was their reply…..

    “I removed your comment on the Google thread with the pornographic references. We do not tolerate terms such as “donkey porn” or “sweater kittens.” We recognize you as a regular user and appreciate your participation but such abuse will not be tolerated.”

  13. I bow before your awesomeness. I’d so frame that…actually I’d send out Christmas cards (for the first time in my life) with that pic on it.

    Thank you … the mental pic of you tearing off your shirt and trying to start a riot in your living room (all by yourself) made me laugh. I need a laugh.

  14. Well, shit I guess SO! That totally IS the coolest thing ever!
    So I gotta know! How did you get it? Did a reader hook you up, or did she find you or did you write to her?

  15. Is that for real? That’s classic! I don’t even know really what you said after the People’s Court segment. I just started laughing and spit Corona at the screen.

  16. With Jerry Springer there would be a midget involved somehow.

    Can’t wait to see your big girl website. I feel very big girl just in having my own domain now.

    Wandering off to read your post on girl crushes. Night!

  17. Once again Aunt Becky came to the recuse! As I am chug-a-luggin my 3rd beer to drown my sorrows you have me spitting beer all over my laptop. THANK YOU! (Seriously, Thanks!!!!!)

  18. Oooo…I am back from the dark hole that is being without internets. πŸ˜‰ And I am so glad I am, just so I can laugh with Aunt Becky again. Sigh. Everything is back the way it should be!

    lol.

  19. Having just gotten over a bout of the Most Dreaded and Evil SWINE FLU!!!11!! myself, I gotta say, this is the MOST AWESOMEST SWINE FLU!!!11!! POST EVER! You kicked the SWINE FLU!!!11!!’s ass in court! Whoo hoo! Go you, Aunt Becky! And that picture ROCKS! You must frame it an give it a place of prominence on your wall! And I don’t even watch the People’s Court! (I am a little giddy from finally being moderately healthy after two weeks of the damn flu, followed by the damn Sinus Infection from Hell. All hail antibiotics!)

    And man, if I had thought of it, and had I not been feeling like microwaved death that had been hit by a bus and run over by a steam roller, how much would I have loved to go ‘running around the house screaming β€œBRING OUT YOUR SWINE” and clanging a cowbell’? That is such a fabulous image! The SWINE FLU!!!11!! cannot defeat us! Bwahahahaha! (Perhaps I need to get some more antibiotics. Or maybe Valium.)

  20. you have a *perfect* 100 comments and I didn’t really want to mess that up, but thought – what the hell – she won’t mind.

    What kind of frame are you putting her in?? It’s too divine.

  21. OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That is awesome!!! Judge Marilyn Milian is my favoritest EVER, even more than goofy Judge Mathis and hottie Judge Alex. And I love me some goofy Judge Mathis and hottie Judge Alex.

    That reminds me of when I was in high school, back when they used to have those ads flash on the screen before movies started. (Do they still do that?) There was a ridiculous real estate agent named John Goodman who advertised all the time, my friend and I used to make fun of how stupid/arrogant he looked. Then another friend asked her dad (another real estate agent who worked at the same office) to get his autograph for us, and he wrote some cheesy inspirational message. We giggled forever about it!

    Wow, that story is much better in my memory than all typed out like that.

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