On the list of things that I hate (including thousand island dressing and Farmville), shopping for pants is right up there. It’s probably in the top five, and if I were an organized list maker, I’d be able to tell you that for sure. But I’m an ENFJ which is like fancy mumbo-jumbo for saying that I don’t like making lists, I think.

It’s worse when I’m fatter because, obviously, who wants to go shopping for pants that look like they could be made by Olag The Tentmaker? And worse, who wants to PAY for that privilege? I know, I know, you’re supposed to just buy what fits you, but honestly, I’m a vain bitch and I don’t WANT to buy something that reads a number that makes me hyperventilate. I don’t CARE if I have to squeeze myself into it, I’ll take the smaller size, thankyouverymuch.

Or I did, until I had some babies, gained a fuckton of weight and realized that you can’t just magically make yourself squeeze back into your size 6’s without some real effort.

So, for every size that I am, I buy one or two pairs of pants and when I outgrow them–the DOWN way, I mean–I toss ‘em and buy another, smaller pair.

I learned a long time ago that you should always buy pants a little snug when you’re dieting so you don’t have any room to grow, and really, who DOESN’T want to go down a size? Honestly, now. That’s pretty much cause for celebration with a nice, tall glass of water!

I’d bought myself new pants a couple of months ago, one a standard size, and the other with some what I like to call “torture panels” that are designed to suck you in in your gut and your thighs. Flattering for when you’re going out, for sure, but they were the step DOWN from the standard size.

I considered those to be a gradient from that same size. If you’re a man, you’re probably shaking your head because a 32 is a 32 is a 32 right?

Women’s sizes don’t run that way. A size 6 is NOT a size 6 is NOT a size 6 which is why our heads spin when we have to go clothes shopping if we have any problem areas. Me? I always have had a gut. I’m getting a tummy tuck when the weight is all gone, but for now, I have a gut and it makes pants shopping annoying.

So I’m in my bedroom, and I can find my Torture Pants, the size BELOW that, the pants I am currently wearing (dirty from the garden) but not the standard size I am looking for. I had seen them several weeks before, in my bedroom and now, nothing. They weren’t under my bed. They weren’t BEHIND my bed. I hadn’t been wearing them because they hadn’t fit properly before and now I was sure they WOULD fit.

Desperately I searched my bedroom. I pulled apart my closet, looking at all my skinny clothes mournfully while I diligently searched for my pants.

Where.the.fuck.were.my.pants?

I grabbed a shopping bag and carefully began to sort out the maternity clothes I SHOULD have gotten rid of months ago. I sorted sheets. I found an old bottle of perfume I’d thought I’d lost. And still, NO PANTS.

I went downstairs and looked in the basement to see if they’d gotten thrown in the laundry. NO PANTS.

I checked in Ben’s room to see if somehow, he’d overlooked that he could have fit his entire body into the leg of the pants, decided they were his and put them away into his dresser. NO PANTS.

I then checked in Mimi’s room. Had someone stashed them oddly into her walk-in closet? Nope, just toys. I made a mental note to clean it out this week and wandered off, furious. Where the HELL were my PANTS?

I had worn them in my room. I had taken them OFF in my room, deciding that I’d WAIT and wear them again when I could actually BREATHE while they were on my person. That meant that unless they’d become intelligent, they couldn’t have actually LEFT the room on their own.

I quizzed the usual suspects and as is the case when I ask about the poo stains on the toilet seats, it was all deny, deny, deny.

So if matter is neither created nor destroyed, where the shit are my pants?

———————

My conclusion to my search for the crystal ball-gag is up at Toy With Me.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

80 Responses to VERY FUNNY PRANKSTERS: Which One Of You Stole My Pants?

  • James says:

    did you check the laundry room? i sometimes have that problem losing my clothes and sometimes their there.

  • Are you wearing them and just forgot? You know, how you put your sunglasses on top of your head and then can’t find them.

  • a says:

    Don’t you remember? You told me I could borrow them. Sheesh, you should get that Alzheimer’s checked out.

  • a says:

    Sadly, I am in the position of having to buy new pants because my ass is getting bigger instead of smaller. Turning 40 has a really horrible effect on metabolism…

  • Barbara says:

    I really hate when that happens. I had this shirt that I couldn’t find and spent forever searching for it. Turns out I left it at an exes house. There went one of my favorite shirts. arghh

  • Bobbi says:

    They’re in the trunk of the car. You put them there when you went shopping for encased meats and were sure you’d run into Dr. House. You didn’t want him to see you in your sweats so you brought decent clothes just in case.

  • Cindy says:

    Usually when I’m having that problem, my happy hubby is looking stylish in my pants. Pisses me off that he looks better in them than I do! Jackass.

  • melissa says:

    Several years ago, I looked for a certain pair of shorts for hours until my husband got home wearing a curiously short pair of shorts. He thought he was getting lucky when I told him to take the shorts off upon walking in the door. When I asked him why he was wearing my shorts, he said “I thought you just shrunk them…….

  • Andygirl says:

    I lose clothes like that all the time. I’m convinced Mr. Tumnus steals them in the middle of the night and takes them back to Narnia. The White Witch (I accidentally wrote Shite Witch the first time) is lookin’ all trendy and shit now.

  • cathyjoy says:

    okay…i confess. i took the fuckin pants only cause i needed them to slim my thighs and hold in my gut cause none of the millions of pairs of pants that i’ve bought that claim they do that really fuckin’ do! i’ll put em in the mail when i’m done with em. thanks!

  • MommyLisa says:

    I HATE when that happens…I lost a skirt and I still cannot find it. I found the rest of the missing crap – but not the f-ing skirt I love.

  • pattypunker says:

    i’m pretty certain this loss of pants is some farmville douche’s gain.

  • kbreints says:

    I have so been there… and then… I find them RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

  • Holy crap, dude! Whoever stole your pants must have stole mine too! WHAAAAT??? Seriously, my American Eagle wide leg jeans that are the perfect length for sandals AND heels (I swear, they’re like magic) have mysteriously gone missing! They aren’t in the hamper or in the washer or dryer, they’re not in the pile of shit in my closet…I have no idea where they went!

    It’s a pants conspiracy!

  • Don’t worry Becky, if you want, I’m happy to let you borrow my pa—- hey! Now where the hell did MY pants go?

  • Judy N. says:

    Great post! I’m in a similar boat…trying to lose the baby weight (4 1/2 years later). I’ve just lost 5 lbs and can’t wait to get rid of things as they get too big. And with few things that do fit right, it’s awful when you can’t find those items! I’m sure you know, though, that things turn up in the oddest places!

  • Elly Lou says:

    What is the Daver wearing today?

  • toywithme says:

    Did you try the fridge? I once found my glasses there so who knows?

  • gaylin says:

    Your pants are up here in Canada . . . I decided I needed to fit my size 10 butt in a pair of size 6 pants and didn’t want to try them on in a store.

    Have you looked under everyone’s beds?

    The last time I found pants that fit, I bought 4 pairs, Score – no pants shopping for awhile.

  • Wendy says:

    Thought I was the only one who lost pants (and not in the slutty way). I considered it my pant’s way of telling me to stop trying to fit in these. Ever. Again.

    Best of luck to you and your pants search.

  • twice a year I lose my pants. I can never find the long pants in the fall or the short pants in the summer, despite putting them in the exact same location every single time. They get moved during the year & end up behind and under stuff. Look on the floor of your closet, under all the other stuff there.

    also you might have hung a shirt up over them if they were already on hangers.

  • Caron says:

    Back in 1986, shortly after I had moved to Chicago (Melrose Park, heaven help me), I bought a pair of navy blue slacks that made me look fan.tastic. They were wonderful, but they disappeared. They were nowhere. I was not one for leaving my clothes and going home without pants, but they were no longer in my apartment.

    I still wonder where they are. Since you’re near Chicago, could you look around?

  • Dorothy says:

    I don’t have any kids and I couldn’t tell you how many pants I have lost. That sounds awful but it is true.

  • Vinomom says:

    I have the same exact problem – The Gut. I have been working out like crazy and can’t seem to get past the initial 5 lbs I’ve lost. A gut makes NOTHING fit right. I still have skinny arms and legs and then this huge Muffin Top. I am about to say Fuck It and go get Lipo.

    I hope you find your pants.

  • Melissa says:

    I have had that happen, and then I wonder.. Did I just DREAM I bought those fucking pants? (or socks, blouses, etc). My guess is that the dryer ate them.

    Dryers DO eat socks for realz, I shit you not. Years ago when I had a place that I could HAVE a dryer mine broke *shakes fist in air* and had a repair guy come out, he took off the back of the dryer and there were like 50 socks. He just laughed and said “so you thought you were imagining it too huh?”

  • Marie says:

    Two places to check.

    Washer/Dryer- Sometimes I forget and leave them in there for a long(ish) time and they get wrinkled and shit then I gotta wash them again. Or they are in washer and stinky and I gotta wash them again. I really Suck at laundry.

    Closet- I will look for something and it is hiding in all the other close. It will take about five times but when I go back in the closet.. there they are.

    If it were me, I would check those two places.

  • Dude. I totally have a pair of missing pants as well. I have 2 pair of identical jeans, but one has a torn belt loop. I can ONLY find the ones with the torn belt loop. The pair that is intact? I have NO IDEA where they could possibly be…

  • Sarah says:

    I have. . .well, I have nothing to say about the lost pants (I don’t have them) or the baby weight (I. . .don’t have any babies), but I would like to comment that I COMPLETELY appreciate your hatred of Thousand Island dressing and Farmville.

    TI dressing looks like vomit. Farmville. . .I don’t even have words for that.

    I’d also like to add to the Things I Hate List those sneakers with heels.

  • Kyddryn says:

    Clearly the underpants gnomes have moved on to bigger…er…better things…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • adhocmom says:

    I’d rather have gum surgery than buy pants. I’m totally serious.

  • Coco says:

    I just got a note from your pants. It says Pants has run off with my missing black tee shirt.

    Pants and Shirt are such whores.

  • Cara says:

    Holy crap…our clothes must be running off together. I never can find the exact thing I’m looking for (and its not like I taking off my clothes and leaving them places other than my house).

    I usually find them (exactly where I already looked) when they don’t fit anymore, are out of style (like that ever stopped me) or its the wrong season.

  • Katherine says:

    I think your pants eloped with my black pants. Can’t find them anywhere. I had ONE pair of black pair of black work pants that fit right. And they were kind of wearing out, but fuck, I’m poor, and I was still wearing them! I have a grey pair, and have been mixing it up with skirts since it’s warm now. Thankfully, we went to the most awesomest outlets ever and I found 3 new pairs of black pants for $6-$8 each (Ann Taylor! Woo!) So fuck you old black pants! Go have your fling with Aunt Becky’s pants. Don’t come back crying to me when they dump you for someone younger and shapelier. I’m shipping you off to goodwill!

  • Tracie says:

    Put. Down. The. Vodka.

    And maybe you’ll stop losing your pants.

  • Rebecca says:

    I have problems shopping for pants because my butt is a way extra super size large. I swear, my but knocks over young kids all the time. It’s like Waaaayyyy big. Every single ounce of fat, every single pound, goes directly to my butt….

  • Krissa says:

    Well, DUH! Obviously, in the fridge!

  • The Sweetest says:

    Did not take your pants, as I am wearing my own set of torture as I type. Baby gut NOT being adequately held in, I might add. Nothing feels yuckier to me right now than noticing the smooshiness is hanging OVER the waistband. I am sooooo getting lipo.

  • TeacherMommy says:

    Sheesh. I’ve lost many things, including my mind, but I can’t say I’ve ever lost my pants. Oh wait. There was that one time when I had too much Jager…but I’m not sure that’s exactly what you meant. *Ahem*

    I’m an XNFJ, by the way, which means sometimes I’m an ENFJ and my inner Aunt Becky emerges, and other times I’m an INFJ and I become my mother. Either way, I win. :D

  • Manda says:

    The other day I had a complete shit fit because I could not find my black stretchy pencil skirt, which is my go-to skirt for all occasions.

    I found it several days later, masquerading as a black t-shirt on the very TOP of the clothes pile.

    Are you sure your pants aren’t pretending to be someone else?

  • Kristy says:

    How frustrating! I share the angst with you on pants. I can buy shirts all day long and have fun with it and not have to try on much, but pants? Oh, so hard to find just the right thing!

  • Jennifer B says:

    Your pants are hiding in the exact same fucktarded place as my daughter’s diaper. One of her night time cloth diapers has been missing now for about 3 months. I’m pissed. I have looked EVERYWHERE. Who steals a diaper? Really now!

    I definitely share your hatred of pants shopping though dear. I too have a gut, no matter how fricken skinny (or not) I am, there is always a flabby gut to make my pants not fit right or hang over the top in that oh-so-gorgeous muffin top display. I’m havin lipo or a tuck or whatever gets rid of that just as soon as I have the money. Um, can I borrow a few thousand dollars?

  • subWOW says:

    I think your pants ran away with your single socks. They are starting a colony.

    p.s. Thank YOU for this post. I HATE shopping for pants too. Luckily I wear jeans to work every day.

  • Apryl's Antics says:

    I’m just over here hating you for wearing a size 6 at any time. :)

  • I recently lost a pair of pants too! And these days, pants that still fit are very scarce. I wonder if my pants ran off with your pants and are making little baby pants somewhere. That would be a great blog.

  • Ed says:

    Don’t look at me. I draw the line at making a suit out of my stalkee’s hair.

  • Angie says:

    There’s a Southpark episode about this….

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Parallel universe, babe. They’ll slip back through when you’re least expecting them.

  • blueviolet says:

    Now I’m wondering if you’ve found the pants since you published this post!

  • katrina says:

    holy guacamole! string theory!! your pants are partying in an alternate reality….a little more vodka and they’ll be back, they will just reappear in the laundry or something.

  • Becca says:

    I’ve been missing my green cami for about a month, so when you find your pants give me a ring. I’m sure my green cami is with them having a party!!

  • Shin Ae says:

    I lost a pair of pants last summer. I looked for them for months. They showed up a couple weeks ago ON MY PANTS SHELF. I still don’t know where they went, or why.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That’s exactly what will happen. I’ll find them precisely where I was looking and then have to be all “um, here they are” and look like a total ass. I mean MORE than normal.

  • MommyTime says:

    Oh, I HATE when that happens. Usually I find them in someone else’s drawer because they got “lost” in a stack of clean folded clothes and put away wrongly. Occasionally I find them in my gym bag. Good luck! I hope yours turn up.

  • Melissa says:

    Your pants are likely out slutting it up with my Favorite Gray Skirt EVAR, because I can’t find the damn thing anywhere.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    It’s the little blue men from Twilight Zone. It’s either that or you have a black hole stashed in some odd corner of your house.

  • GingerB says:

    Well, first off, you know socks are the larvae of coat hangers, right? All those socks go AWOL but the hangers multiply exponentially.

    My debit card and my pants slip back and forth between altnernate universes (universii?) which is why sometuimes, they are here, sometimes not. It is probably going on at your house too.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    I suspect that Daver was wearing them on his head so he could look like a floppy-eared bunny.

  • soccermom says:

    First off I HATE farmville. 2nd, I dont mind shopping for pants, however I dont do it ever when I am over weight.

    That way I dont have to worry about being disappointed in what I see.

  • I didn’t take ‘em… Like I need one more effin’ pair of pants I can’t zip up? No thanks…

  • Are you sure you checked the labels? The reason why I ask is that I thought I was wearing one pair of jeans when I was really wearing a pair 2 sizes too big. They were the same color and everything so I totally thought I lost a bunch of weight without doing anything. I checked the label when I found a mystery pair of jeans in the bottom of my closet. And then the hard, cold reality was the jeans were bigger and I,sadly, was not smaller.

  • Vanessa Jordan says:

    Just keep writing, I love it, its such a stress reliever to read your posts, lol!! I just love it, I work from home and love what I do, but after you have worked for like 4 straight hours not looking up for anything, no even a little daydream about the huge monster house I am going to buy for my girls and me, thats why I dedicate myself to my work at home business, to give my girls a WAY better life!! There’s just times when I have to have a break, I can always rely on one of your posts for a pick me up, a smile or laugh!! It simply makes it so much easier to go back to work after I have laughed so hard that my belly is going to hurt!! Thank you for the awesome breaks!! Which is why I simply say, PLEASE KEEP WRITING!!

  • Jenn says:

    Bought really cute black linen pants that made my butt look great. They zipped up the back, a feature that The Hubby was completely fascinated by. Wore them twice. They disappeared. Asked The Hubby SEVERAL times if he’d seen them as I tore the house apart looking for them. He acted like he’d never seen them before. Months later, found them in the back of the guest room closet, about 3 inches shorter (did I mention I’m really tall, and I had found cute, TALL pants?). Confronted The Hubby. Apparently he washed and dried them, then hid them when he discovered his mistake. Gave me the “Ooops, I’m so busted!” look that his 7 year old now gives me all the time.

    He doesn’t do laundry any more. Got him back by setting fire to the kitchen so many times that I’m no longer allowed to cook. Marriage is all about sharing the work.

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