Two years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I’d just had major abdominal surgery.

But why? I hear the three porn bots who routinely scour my blog to leave hilariously spammy messages crying in their mechanical voice(s). Why would you have surgery? Was it a boob job? A lobotomy? Did you actually find someone to give you a third arm?

No, no, I say, sitting back in my chair and slurping my coffee loudly. Nothing so dramatical.

I’d gone under the knife two years ago (right before a trip to Vegas!) to have a full abdominoplasty.

Well, I hear the porn bots beeping and booping, what on EARTH did you need that for? Are you just a vain bitch?

Yes and no, I reply, still slurping my coffee.

You see, I’m built with the approximate proportions of a daddy long-legs spider — all legs with practically no torso. That means that I’m freakish looking on a good day and while pregnant with my kids, that I carry them RIGHT out there — as in, my pregnant torso entered rooms a full five minutes before the rest of me waddled in. (I also appear to carry them in my ass, but that’s neither here nor there). The spider-like pregnancies left my abdominal muscles both screaming and groaning, the muscles actually weeping whenever I dared to do such things as “sit up.” Laying down, I could nearly sink my fist through the hole left in my abs and grab out my entrails, should I have been so inclined.

(thankfully, porn bots, I never was. I may wear a #1 finger for encased meats, but the thought of all those delicious beef lips and assholes wrapped in my own innards is semi off-putting.)

Let’s not even mention that three babies at 8 pounds a piece + 60 pounds of baby weight = loose skin I could probably have worn as a nice skin scarf, should I have chosen.

And I was born, not only with the bladder of a squirrel, but with something my mother affectionately refers to as The Sherrick Pot-Belly, which meant that even if I went the anorexic route, I’d still look 3 months pregnant.

I’d originally gone into the plastic surgeons to see about a boob job — these puppies are huge and with migraines and neck issues, I figured a reduction might be the ticket to a pain-free life (hey, after it’s been suggested that you inject botulism toxin into your fucking neck, the idea of a boob reduction seems almost… fun).

He took one look at my melons and informed me that insurance would scoff at my claim. Plus, he said, I’d probably end up looking freakish, unless I got a complete boob job. Which was something like 9+ hours on the OR table.

But he looked down and noted my gut and had me lay back. He sucked his breath in as he noted the gaping space between the abdominal muscles formerly known as mine, and suggested that I may benefit further from a full abdominoplasty.

(quick dance interlude:

Partial Abdominoplasty = mostly liposuction and removal of loose skin.

Complete Abdominoplasty = removes excess skin and reshapes the abdominal muscles in those who have had pregnancies like mine, wherein the muscles of the abdomen are separated.

/end scene)

He then suggested that fixing the core muscles of my abdomen may help with my neck and migraine issues. I could’ve kissed him. I’d always planned to have a partial abdominoplasty someday in the very distant future, but the suggestion of a life without pain made baby angels weep with the awesome.

The surgery was fine, as far as surgeries go — I didn’t die on the table or anything — and I even got some pretty nifty drains sticking out of either side of me, which made me kinda feel bionic and wish that I’d asked him to put in some steel plates or machines in my gut, further allowing me to become partially robotic.

The recovery, though, can best be described as excruciating. Turns out, that even my wonky abdominal muscles had been doing their thang, which meant that I spent many hours laying on the couch, trying to ascertain whether or not peeing myself was a better option than trying to get to the bathroom. It took weeks to be able to stand long enough to shower. It took nearly a year for me to regain full control of my muscles again.

But, I know you porn bots are trying to figure out, was the surgery worth it? Have your migraines stopped?

The answer is somewhere in the middle. The migraines are still there, but they’re slightly more manageable, which is FULL of the awesome. And the results, well, I’ll leave you to see them (I’m sorry I have no before snaps for you):

Two Years Post abdominoplasty

And no, this was not shot in softcore mode – I simply don’t own a full-length mirror.

Also: I am not colored like an oompa-loompa. Apparently, the lighting in my bedroom is mood-lighting. Which may explain why my cat opts to lick his bung on my bed rather than the floor.

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33 Responses to Two Years Post-Op

  • Two Years Post-Op (blurry half-nekkid picture included) http://t.co/Wq7bcRZY

  • Maria says:

    So jealous. I want the same SO BAD but alas, I am broke.

  • Tracy @ Momaical
    Twitter: Momaical
    says:

    So, did your insurance cover this expense because it was migraine related? Hmmm…I may need to start having a migraine or two. I have the exact same Daddy Long Legs issues that you have. I could now pull up my sassy, stretch-marked belt of fabulous to make a lovely corset. Or belt. Grrrr…..

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      It depends on the insurance provider. Some will cover it (the complete, not the partial abdominoplasty), and some won’t. If you’re having issues like I had, you should talk to your insurance company.

  • Krista says:

    That’s amazing! My pregnant belly was just as ridiculous, both times people routinely asked me if I was carrying twins (or more). No, just two 8 pound babies that really liked to stretch. Did your insurance help with any of the cost? I’ve been dying to get rid of this deformity on my frontside.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    Christ, AB. Has it really been two years? Where the fuck does time go?

  • AWESOME RESULT!!!!! As the wife of a plastic surgeon, I can tell you that breast reduction and abdominoplasty patients are statistically the most satisfied. So glad to hear you are!!!

  • andy says:

    I can’t believe that was TWO YEARS AGO!! where is my time going???

    But you look fantabulous!

  • Pete In Az says:

    Haayyy

    I’m not a pron bot!

    Nice pic ByTheWay…

    ok… maybe i am…

  • Live.Love.Random.
    Twitter: eekaspigel
    says:

    You look awesome! Kudos on your surgery. I wish I was brave enough to go under the knife, but I’m a chicken. I’m sure I would need at least partial.

    Xo,
    Eeka

  • Sunny says:

    I am so glad you posted this. I have been considering getting one too, and I have actually been thinking about when you got yours! Glad to hear it was worth the tough recovery. I have given birth to four boys, but the humdinger was that two of them are twins (that’s generally how twins work) and one weight 8 pounds and one weighed 6.5 pounds at birth.

    Yep, you read that right.

    Anyway, I have enough skin hanging down around my tummy to hide a small menagerie of animals. Hoping to make that go away one day.

  • Jolie says:

    NO. WAY. It’s been 2 years?? gah. I remember the posts from the couch. Ah yes. See how far you’ve come? And you just keep going, like the energizer bunny! Keep on keepin on and congrats on the awesome abs! mwah!

  • chrisinphx says:

    Wow, it totally doesnt seem like 2 years ago. On the bright side your offically Tits On A Stick with that flat tummy!

  • Sarah P says:

    The cat licking his own asshole was the sexiest part of the whole post.

  • JodieGirl says:

    So funny! I took the same photo of myself last Christmas to show off my new Pajama Jeans & post on Facebook! I too do not own a full length mirror… You look FAB Becks!

  • Melina says:

    <—-Not a porn bot, but always a reader. =)

  • Marta
    Twitter: marta28
    says:

    I get terrible migraines, but if I got the surgery it would be purely cosmetic I don’t think it would help my head unfortunately.

  • tara says:

    That’s awesome! I’m so jealous. I’m totally going to start saving for that surgery.

    You look amazing! Your mood lighting is killer

  • alexis (You can call me Al)
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,
    I admit to being woefully ignorant when it comes to matters of pregnancy and childbirth. When you have time, would you consider explaining how pregnancy (you’re probably thinking at this pint that I’m going to ask you how pregnancy happens; I’m dull-witted but not quite THAT stupid) causes the abdominal wall condition you describe? Would that be termed “abdominal separation”? (You can use medical terms because I have access to medical dictionaries.)
    I could possibly ask my dad, but that would involve actually talking to him, which I don’t really want to do at this particular moment.
    I have not yet decided whether I should procreate, and any information you give me will help me in making an informed decision.
    Your niece,
    Alexis
    P.S. I have an arachnidian build, too. I’m almost 5’2″, and about 5’1″ of me is legs.

  • Tanya says:

    Looking great! Thanks again for the Dr. hookup, still love my results too!

  • First off, Becky, I want to say what great humor writer you are! I laughed through reading this. Secondly, I am truly glad your abdominoplasty worked out so well for you. Weight gain during pregnancy is inevitable. The amount of sagging skin after pregnancy will depend on genetics, how much weight was gained, and skin elasticity. As you know, more than the skin is involved however. The abdominal muscles also stretch and separate to make room for that new occupant in your belly. These are some of the most important reasons to have this kind of procedure. No, it is not vanity to want to get your shape back anyway, but certainly correcting the diastasis cause by pregnancy is important. By the way, from the picture, you look great! Good luck to you.

    Dr Rhys Branman
    Little Rock Cosmetic Surgery Center

  • Suzanne Roupas says:

    Becky? Are you ok? Not used to this radio silence from you…..

  • Liz says:

    I noticed that you haven’t posted in a few days. Just wanted to say that I hope you’re okay.
    *sending you good thoughts*

  • Janis says:

    I’m starting to worry about you. Hope you’re ok.

  • I love you Aunt Becky. You are just filled to the gills with your most awesome awesomeness. In fact, when I heard the word awesome, your awesome self comes to mind. Now, I will enter into a dreamlike trance when I hear the word awesome as I fantasize what it would be like to have Aunt Awesome’s Awesome Abs. Ahhhhhhh.

  • Jane says:

    Are you ok? I am sure this is an incredibly hard time and have never commented before …

    Wanted to check in on my most favorite “FULLL of the AWESOME” young lady…

    Please let us know?!

    Many hugs,
    A strange old bat in vA.

  • Melissa says:

    Ok, now I am officially worried too.

  • c8h10n4o2 says:

    I saw the title, and I think I’ve been watching too much Drag Race and hanging around with far too interesting people, because the first thing that popped into my head was: Sex change? How did I miss a sex change post?

    But, yeah. Totally jealous over here. Maybe getting something other than manicotti for dinner would be a better start, though.

  • Victoria says:

    Wow.. I’ve been trough your whole blog and it does not cease to amaze me how awesome you are! You made me laugh, cry, be surprised. You have and exceptional talent and you’re indeed a great mother! I really wanted to tell you this.. XO!

  • Maggie says:

    Hey AB – everything is fabulous right? Sorry. I worry. It’s my nature.

  • Jane says:

    Dudette! Are you ok? Do we need to come help?s WHAT gives? Please let us know..there are a ton of us very concerned!

    We have your back..let us know..common Beck..

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