Dear Doctor House,

I feel so FORMAL calling you that considering we’re MARRIED and all, but that’s okay because I know behind closed doors I can call you “Shnookems” just the way you like it. But for my blog which is all PUBLIC and stuff, I’ll just call you by Dr. House. You can call me Your Majesty.

Now, it was recently brought to my attention on Twitter that I am probably not a very good wife because I am a bad cook.

It all started when I tweeted:

I mean, it’s TRUE, right? Apparently, this means that I’ll NEVER find a husband, because men like the womens who can cook. And since I caught you CHEATING on me with that lady with the brown hair (AGAIN), maybe it’s time to show you that I can cook and that I desperately need a new husband.

While rummaging through the pantry, I noticed the very same thing that had brought me running into the arms of yet another television husband, Dexter, so many months ago. (yes, I can have affairs, YOU cannot).

Those damn beef sticks! I am all for encased meaty goodness, and I occasionally doodle pink puffy hearts around the person who coined the term “beef sticks” but the kind of person who would willingly put tubular meat products into his mouth THAT HAD EXPIRATION DATES INTO THE NEXT SEVERAL YEARS is not someone that I can see longevity with.

Mostly because of a little disease I like to call DYSENTERY, but you know.

Hoping that they’d be expired and I could possibly feed them to him so that he might suffer botulism and leave me with a hefty life insurance policy SPARKLE RAINBOW UNICORNS!!! I hopefully checked the expiration date:

Sadly, no. Looks like I will have to wait until the end of the year to enact my plan of doom CUTE FLUFFY KITTENS!!!

So, left to scour the pantry for things to cook for you, my husband, to show you that I am, in fact, worthy of wifedom, I was left with a) cocktail salt b) a scary looking bag of malak paneer and this:

Oh don’t look so disgusted by it. Ramen was the breakfast, lunch and dinner of MANY champions up to and including MYSELF. Now, of course, I prefer bacon flavored vodka and, uh, bacon flavored vodka, but you know. It’s ancient, though, but made of stuff that will probably outlast even the tiniest microscopic organisms on the planet.

PHEW, good for a couple more…uh, weeks. THANK GOD. I don’t want to kill my TELEVISION husband or anything.

Wow! Will you look at the WORDS on the back? I didn’t even know that there were INSTRUCTIONS on the fucker! I sure as hell never read them.

P.S. Holy fuck is it bad for you. Check out the awesome fat content in HALF the noodles. Rock. Music.

Eh, it said 2 cups, and that looks about like 2 cups, right?

WHATEVER.

I’d like you to note the flowering hibiscus in the back, a plant I only bought because it sounded like a rare STD.

Gratuitous action shot done in a SHOCKINGLY artful way. Now you KNOW I am a true photoblogger! I should win a photoblogging award or something like the Nobel Prize for Awesomeness in Artful Photoblogging of Gratuitous Action Shots That Serve No Purpose!

While we wait for this water to boil, I’d like to address a couple of things, namely that you cannot be going around kissing women your own age. I mean, I appreciate true love and all that yada-yada-yada, but don’t you know that your TRUE LOVE lives in a computer writing you LOVE LETTERS on her D-List BLOG?

There’s NOTHING wrong with that, you know. NOTHING. It’s not weird, or creepy, or stalkery, or ANYTHING. In fact, I think I’m going to change my blog name to “Mommy Wants Dr. House, Her True Husband Who REALLY Loves Her.”

I’d like to show you this picture that I think illustrates how I feel about your relationship with that OTHER woman:

SEE? I edited it MYSELF and I think it properly explains how I feel.

There, there, don’t be upset, just take some Vicodin to calm down. True Love is bullshit anyway.

There, don’t you feel BETTER? I do.

I’ll even let you use the LOVE bowl because nothing says “I Love You” like a plastic bowl with a heart on it. (I almost typed “bowel” but that would just be GROSS).

Aw, look at our LOVE NOODLES cooking! JUST LIKE OUR LOVE.

Mmmmmm….BEEFY.

P.S. My manicure is awesome.

Hopefully the Vicodin will have kicked in by now so these noodles won’t taste like a bowl of hot dicks because, let’s face it, Ramen is kind of not delicious.

But have no fear, my love, because I am also proficient at such things as “Spaghetti-O’s” and, um, well, Shamelessly Ordering Takeout.

Shit, maybe Twitter had a point.

Yours Until The End,

Your Wife, The Only One Who REALLY Loves You Enough To Write Creepy Love Blogs To You, Wait That Sounds Bad.

Comments

comments

69 thoughts on “Two Narcissists Walk Into A Kitchen…

  1. I cooked dinner today. If by cooked dinner you mean driving over to Subway and ordering the right sandwiches.

    That’s what you meant, right?

    Crap, I’m probably a terrible wife too. We’l start a club. And serve wine with breakfast. Because I live in Germany, and that kind of thing is not frowned upon.

  2. You need to start a cooking series. I will follow you religiously, because my plan of mooching off family every night still leaves me on my own in the kitchen a couple of days a month. And nobody wants that.

      1. i’ll take both your scrawny asses on! house is mine! tho, now that i think about it, sharing might be okay in a big love kinda way. have a headache – no problem…send him to number 3

  3. 1.)way to X out the evil dark-haired woman. she had to go.

    739.) the artful shot is intense.

    iv.) i hope you know this opens the door for me to woo dexter with my mad hamburger helper lasagne skillet skillz.

  4. The reason Ramen is dick-ish tasting? Because you’re not making your tv husband the Creamy Chicken flavor. I mean really, think of the blog and entendres you’d have with THAT variety. And it’s delicious. I eat it whenever I am sick, or bitchy, or crampy, or stabby. So yeah, I eat it a LOT.

  5. It’s almost like you didn’t even realize you had the makings of a perfectly good bowl of NOMen in your cute little paws. (I hope that HTML code works or that sentence will look like shit).

    You could have sliced & diced & fried those Beef Sticks and added them to your Ramen to turn it into NOMen. (All credit for the sheer awesomeness of the name “NOMen” go to TJ.)

  6. Cooking ability was, like, last on my list of Stuff I Wanted In a Wife back when I was single. It was more important I found a woman who: 1) Isn’t Afraid to Eat Food in Front of Me, 2) Likes to Scamper Around the House Without Pants, and 3) Laughs At Every Single Thing I say. I figured if I could find that, who hell needs cooking?

  7. You know, if you drained the soup off, and added chopped chives and lots of pepper, ramen is still pretty much delish. Sure it will make your ankles swell to cankle size, because nobody over the age of 21 can handle that kind of sodium without repercussions, but it doesnt taste half bad.

    Love the manicure btw.

  8. Becky. I swear, we’ve had this conversation before. Check your facebook page if you’ve forgotten. YOU threw down for Dexter. I threw down for House and Sam. Therefore, HOUSE is MINE. As is Sam. MINE. Not yours. You can have Dexter. Damnit. Stay away from my “House husband”. LOL

    btw – I wonder if his media people ever search “House and Blog” and hit this website. I mean, seriously? Why not?

    1. I should SO check my search terms. I bet they do and are promptly horrified by what they discover. I’m sorrier for David Cook’s media people, though, because he’s smaller and they ALWAYS find me.

  9. Squiggly…….that’s what my daughter calls those noodles. Squiggly noodles. She LOVES them and eats the WHOLE bowl when I fix them…>I only use about 1/2 cup of water because I like my stuff extra salty.

  10. Now I totally have a craving for Ramen, Becky. Damn it.

    My High Risk OB will not be happy. I’m giving him your phone number on Monday…

  11. Two things:

    1 – How DARE you speak badly about the Beefy Noodles. They’re DELICIOUS. And I’m sure that MSG is short for Mega Super Good for you, right? RIGHT?!

    2 – Love the manicure. Maybe you’ll start a new trend.

  12. I used to have to make Ramen using a pathetic ancient coffeemaker. You know what made it taste great? Near-starvation, combined with lots and lots of pot. Ah, college…

  13. What the hell have you been smoking that you think ramen noodles are not delicious??!! They are versatile and amazing.

    The oriental flavored noodles are excellent with the water drained out and the packet mixed with about half a stick of butter or margarine. (If you’re gonna be bad, go all the way for craps sake)

    OR, you can add frozen vegetables right before you take them off the heat.

    OR, you can be really fancy and drain the noodles and then saute them with FRESH vegetables.

    You can break up the noodles and serve them as a crunchy salad topping.

    The list goes on and on.

  14. I was jsut about to tell you to paint your nails.

    I prefer the ramen in the styrofoam cup (healthy AND great for the environment!!) in spicy chicken flavor. I think it’s the MSG and the day’s worth of sodium that makes it so dang diddly delicious.

  15. Um, props to you Becky. Over the course of one little blog post, you got Greg to strip off that button down so now there’s only a think layer of black cotton between your tongue and his nipples. Woot.

  16. Yo, ramen noodles fucken rock. That IS how I survived college. In fact, did you know that those plug in teapot thingies heat up for exactly the right amount of time to cook ramen? I have no idea how I discovered that gem, but it’s true. But I am a fan of the chicken flavored MSG. Even before age 21 I couldn’t stand that much sodium. I only used half a packet. But I drained out the water so it was just wet awesome flavored noodles. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I’m a feenin some ramen now. Good thing there is none around. Way to go Aunt Beck. Another successful cooking lesson for this also terrible wifey. No cooking here. I make sandwiches. Eat it or screw off. That’s my motto.

  17. Dude, everything tastes better with some spicy sauce! It’ll fry up his taste buds and ANYTHING you cook from here on out will be absolutely delicious.

  18. My *real* husband was in deep trouble with me last night for reasons that are far too boring to go into here… know what he made me for dinner in order to ‘make up’ for his utter stupidity? Ramen. And iced tea with what had to be an ENTIRE lemon squeezed into it. Next time I will have to find a task other than “make me dinner” for his penance. You cook a lot for your TV husbands. What would they could for you? 😉

  19. Becky, Becky, Becky, *shakes head*, have I not taught you the value of a good sous chef? Do you really think Rachel or Martha or Al Roker chop their own veggies and measure out the portions? They take the stuff from the oven with a flourish. That is their job, not the prep work. Tell Daver you need a sous chef. House will be all over you like syrup on pancakes.

  20. Ramen Goes Gourmet

    Fortunately my husband is an incredible cook so I don’t have to. This is just one of his many favorites:

    Ramen noodles. Cook as directed but add one heaping spoonful (bigggg) of peanut butter. Toss in some fresh or frozen veggies (favorite–snow peas), add cubes of ham or turkey or chicken or little frozen shrimp. Also add chopped nuts (peanuts or cashews are best) and you’ve got a gourmet meal for two!

  21. I’ve never seen House but I have eaten lots of ramen-except my mother always drained the water off and fed them to us as giggle noodles because they’re twirly and they giggle in your tummy.
    This possibly explains lots about me.

  22. Becky, all photoblogging awesomeness and Dr. House take-downs aside, what I really want to know is:

    How do you know what a bowl of hot dicks would taste like?

  23. Your photoblogging skills are pure poetry! And since we are on the topic of TV husbands, I am super excited to be reunited with mine – Tommy Gavin on REscue Me. Soon, my love, soon!

  24. OH MAN. I haven’t had Ramen noodles in forever. The BEST way to cook them is to boil them until they’re soft and then transfer them into a frying pan full of butter (because, really, they’re already so unhealthy that a little buttery goodness isn’t going to make much of a difference) and THEN add the flavor packet. Heaven.

  25. It’s cool – you grab House away from Cuddy and I’ll distract Wilson. I’ll come up with a clever ploy and, uh… or I’ll just flash him. Boobs will work better, and that Sam chick needs to DIAF anyway.

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