My kids are home this week. After I realized what a job Band Back Together was going to be (and how freaking BORED they are with me), I enrolled the two smallest ones in preschool. Plus, that gives me ample time to sit on my ass and watch cactus videos. Those cacti are a laugh a minute!

Anyhow, for some strange reason, my preschool teacher decides once every six months or so to go on vacation. (I call bullshit) Then, the crotch parasites are home with everyone’s favorite Aunt Becky. Everyone, of course, but my small crotch parasites who are bored after two minutes of looking at my face. It sorta goes like this:

9:17 (AB): “Hey guys, let’s COLOR a PICTURE!”

9:18 (Alex and Amelia): “WE’RE DONE MAMA.”

9:20 (AB): “Let’s play a game called, “Make Mama a Martini!”

9:20 (Alex and Amelia): “NO.”

9:21 (AB): “How about, “let’s take a nap!” that’s a GREAT game!”

9:22 (Alex and Amelia): “That’s bullshit!”

9:22 (AB): *headdesk*

See, I’m just not cut out for playing games with toddlers for more than twelve seconds. And it’s approximately eleventy-billion degrees out now, which means I can’t boot them out the door to “play” and lock it behind them. Which is, I’m pretty sure, how my parents handled ages 2-18.

(come to think of it, perhaps I shouldn’t follow my parents lead)

So now I have two days left of “entertaining the children” and am about ready to sell them to the Hare Krishna’s because, well, I think they take kids and shave them and put them into wee orange robes. If not, they should.

When my preschool teacher gets back on Monday, I’m planning on tongue-kissing her. Or perhaps not. Anything to make her want to watch my children again. Because I think they’re sharpening their Play-Doh knives into shivs to attack me for ruining summer. I only hope that it takes them until Tuesday.

Until then, I’ll be counting down the minutes. And praying each one isn’t the one that brings me to my dramatic death-by-Play-Doh-knife.

———–

I wrote this on The Stir. It’s about Tattooed Moms. Because obviously.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

28 Responses to Turns Out I DID Ruin Summer!

  • Haha. I think I felt like this two days ago.

  • The Mommy says:

    The first summer that I had two walking children (2006) my husband came home from work and saw me sitting on the front porch with my head in my hands while the boys ran around chasing each other. He asked what I was doing. I said, “I’m waiting for the gypsies to show up and make me an offer…” I was probably kidding. Probably.

  • Due to unexpected financial situations, what I had envisioned as a summer full of day camp-type activities for my 8 year old turned out to be one week of day camp. One. Which was over last week. So, that leaves me with eleventy billion and three more hours in which my child must be entertained and occupied. She is an only child, to boot, which means no built-in playmates besides the cat (who hates the kid with a passion because she’s still holding a grudge from the time the kid, as a toddler, tried to eat her) and the mom (who does actually have other things to do – besides playing on the interwebz, I mean).

    Fortunately for us both, she has a great imagination and has been known to lose herself in her Littlest Pet Shop-Disney Princess-Star Wars Action Figures-Safari Animals-Dinosaurs empire, which has spread its borders to encompass the majority of the family room floor as well as outposts on the back porch, under the desk in the living room and of course her bedroom floor. I bite my tongue and keep the complaining to a minimum whenever I step on one of her toys, because hey, at least they’re keeping her occupied.

    My strategy for the “Mooo-oooooooom, I’m boooooooooored” whining is to do one of two things: whip out a few math worksheets for brain-drain prevention or hand out a chore or three to do around the house. MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

    As kids, my sisters and I were frequently kicked out of the house for the entire day in the summer, and we were all too happy to disappear since we lived on a farm and whining equaled farm chores more often than not. *shudder* (And yes, I do tell my kid how damn lucky she is to be living *her* childhood and not mine…)

    There’s a reason that this commercial is so popular: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcYbo7pjto – it’s funny because it is TRUE…..

  • katrina says:

    Ha! and don’t you just want to punch those people who say…..”enjoy them now, it goes by so fast…” I know i just wanted to punch them in the face…..but, shit, turns out they were right.

  • The way I’ve been dealing with my kid being out this summer? We play “school”. I write out on that lined learner paper crap,”Aa, Bb, Cc…” and she’s gotta practice. She loves her desk so …WIN! Win for her – She’s practicing her writing, Win for me – She’s QUIET. I swear there’s more days that I’m asking my husband,”Why did we teach her to talk, again?” lately than I’m proud of. lol

    Ok, that only works a little bit…like 15-20 minutes…but dammit…Its bliss!

  • This is why I’ve been loving my last 2 weeks kid-free while they’ve been at Camp Gramma.

  • Joker_SATX says:

    Ha…and my kids come home this coming weekend…I have them all of August. Unlike you however, I have electroshock therapy equipment…and lots and lots of jello.

  • Suze says:

    Lol, i’m totally afraid that I won’t know how to entertain my daughter. My mom used to lock us outside too and I’d kinda like to avoid that with my child. I’ve got about 11 more weeks before she’s born and I haven really been around kids in around 7 years or so. Hopefully I’ll figure it out.

  • Cindy says:

    I sent my kids to Alaska. No shit. They’re there till school starts. It couldn’t be more awesome! (Except when it’s not. It’s really quiet. . .)

  • Shana says:

    Aunt Becky, the kiddie pool, a little shady area, and eleventy billion spf suncreen are your friends… and you can sit with your feet in it and have a martini.

  • Jonah Gibson says:

    A 17 year old kid in my neighborhood whacked his parents with a hammer and then threw a big party Saturday. It’s all over the news, so you may have heard about it. The parents went to my church. Nothing funny about it, but today a guy shows up at my front door and wants to sell me a security system. He says, “As you’ve probably noticed there is a lot of crime around here.” I’m thinking, well no shit, but then my wife chimes in, “How does a security system keep your kids out of the house?” She said this right in front of my also 17 year old grandson who knows where I keep the hammers.

  • Pete In Az says:

    Have them make lunch. Not play-doh lunch, real lunch. Then, make them clean up after. That should take until Monday.

    ps. Post comment??? What happened to “Hit me Yo”?

  • Vinobaby says:

    I have no idea how to play with my child anymore. I would simply go insane playing Star Wars all day long. I signed him up for the city’s day camp and the little bit of money I pay them to thoroughly entertain him and wear him out is SO damn worth it.

    I can’t freaking wait until he is old enough for sleep-away camp. Then the party will really get started…

  • Fucking global warming. Turn on the sprinklers and then send them outside? Maybe that’ll make it better.

  • Any chance you can get one bedroom fitted with a bouncy castle? Everyone loves them and you can just leave them in their to roll/bounce/etc all day. They can’t get hurt in a bouncy castle!

  • I’ve been trying to find someone to buy my children for years now, but never once did I think of the Hare Krishna’s. We’ll have to look into this.

  • Christina says:

    So many great ideas from your other commenters! With five home all day, and no jobs for my older ones, WTF! I too am at my wit’s end! Thankfully the neighborho has a pool that my younger ones use often but my older ones are the ones that are really driving my crazy…

  • Elise says:

    Hire a pre-teen to come play with them while you work–some girl who is just a little too young to babysit by herself. She’ll feel great about the experience and the money, you’ll feel great you don’t have to pay full price or entertain your kids, and your kids will… Well, they may not be happy with it, but at least they’re torturing someone else…

  • Chris in PHX says:

    2 chilruns, 2 doggies….attach one end of leash to dog and the other end to said chilrun. Open door, throw hotdog, watch dogs and kids be exercised….just tell em be home when the street lights come on.

  • This is probably common knowledge, but Hare Krishnas eat placenta. True story. My mom used to work in the emergency room and they would come all the time and ask for placenta. The hospital was all, “uh NO.” But when the Hare Krishnas would have babies they would demand to take the placenta so they could make placenta pie. Yum!

  • Sarah P says:

    Dried beans, pots, pans, kitchen floor, kiddie gate in the door. It’s a mess, but they’ll do it for hours while you enjoy your martini-soaked blogging.

  • .m. says:

    Ruining summer is your job. The whole system breaks down if you don’t casually ruin your kids lives. Otherwise they’re going to have to make stuff up to justify putting you in a home.

    I guess they’re not falling for the ‘see how long you can be quiet’ game either…

    As for the Hare Krishna thing (first, ew placenta pie, if you’re going to make an exception to vegetarianism, that shouldn’t be the one), I don’t know whether they actually buy kids, but maybe e-bay? I mean where else do busy superstars browse for adoption options (hrm, sounds like a website idea to me).

  • Sherry says:

    My young’uns are in their 30’s thank the almighty invisible friend. However I babysit my great nieces (and btw they are awesome times ten!) three or so days a week. Somehow my parenting skills are as well honed now as they ever were… probably because I can suck down mass quantities of beer as well as I ever could. I still call BULLSHIT and my 5 and 3 year old nieces laugh their respective asses off. Last week I took them to the library where we made some shitty pretend didjeridus. Yesterday we baked a red velvet cake from scratch no less and made a birthday dinner for my husband. Today we made origami birds at the kitchen table because it’s a hundred fucking degrees outside… 108* if you count the heat index. If all that crafty shit gets to you, a little lemonade/chardonay mix will make the day go faster! Nothing like 60 years of experience to make life easier to deal with!!!

  • It’s sick how excited I get when I hear other people say they can’t really play with their kids for too long. I’m just terrible at it. I’m all, “Okay, let’s play cars. Okay, I’m done.” Playing sucks. I’d rather be sleeping.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Wait…you mean we’re actually suppose to entertain them?!?!? Shit, I knew I’d been doing something wrong all these years.

  • Anne says:

    Fill two spray bottles with water. Buy blue ones if you like. Hand children rags and say “Time to wash the windows!” Put large towels under where they are working and let them go to town.

    Shaving cream and bathroom tiles – coat with shaving cream, let them draw and meddle till their hearts content.

    Have a lego/block building contest
    Go to activityvillage.co.uk – they have GREAT things to print out.
    Water, water, water – kiddie pool, slip and slide, hose and sprinkler…
    And while the time is going slowly now, soon you will be wishing they were still there with you. But that’s in the future. Right now, it’s hard, I know!

  • Becky says:

    Set them on the front porch,
    pray for gypsies to come take them
    lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

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