A couple of years ago, when Atkins was The Thing everyone was doing to lose weight, a local lumber yard had this particular sign up on their marquee ensuring that I would always be a loyal customer, providing I ever needed a fence, “TRY OUR LOW CARB FENCE!!” Because if that wasn’t hilarious, I didn’t know what was.
Pretty much everyone I knew was doing Atkins besides Daver and myself because I was doing a regular old diet and Dave weighed 140 pounds. I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that eating a pound of bacon a day (although highly tasty) was somehow good for your cardiovascular system.
Then again, I didn’t exactly run a mile a day or anything either, so I had no room to point fingers. I just jealously watched them pile the bacon on their cheeseburger, no bun, as I ate my spinach seasoned with…lemon, no salt.
It was no surprise to me that I found myself once again dieting away the sixty pounds of baby weight after Alex was born and now again after my daughter. I’d like to be all “Yeah, dude, those donuts were WORTH it,” but sadly, I am one of those unfortunate souls who just gets FAT when she gestates. I sort of look like McDonald’s Grimace before I deliver, if he were pink or I were purple, or maybe a fire hydrant, if I were more yeller.
With both Mimi and Alex I put on another 20 pounds of post-partum thyroiditis weight which to me just seems fucking UNFAIR, but it is what it is, and there’s no real use stamping around my house about it NOW. Mostly because I’ve already done my stamping. Luckily, I am the Worst Case Scenario for almost all of you reading, so you can all feel smugly superior to me and my wonky metabolism but for those .00002 of you reading who feel my pain, I AM HERE WITH YOU, SISTER/BROTHER.
At the end of March, I went back on Weight Watchers, even though I’d been eating well, it was good to keep an eyeball on it. It’s a good diet, genuinely, and I do the online stuff because while I know that the group is supposed to be good, let’s face it, I’m not in need of the help. Or if I am, I don’t want it.
Mostly, I don’t have the energy to sling my ass to meetings on a weekly basis when the online tools are RIGHT THERE (and the access to the forums alone are worth the membership fees)(because forums often = CRAZIES).
Like the other times I’ve done it, it’s WORKING. I’ve actually lost about 10 pounds, in addition to the 20 post-partum thyroiditis pounds that I’d dropped before.
BUT THEN, I got this great idea, because I am full of them: I incorporated the DIABETIC diet into my Weight Watchers Diet! I am not a diabetic and I cannot be all Wilford Brimley and “I have The Diabeeeetttuuusss” on your ass, but the Diabetic Diet is pretty much a fucking great diet for you.
(Diabetic Diet is NOT Atkins, by the by)
Um, holy shit, I lost an additional 4 pounds this week which is AMAZING because I barely eat carbs as it is because I know they’re like The White Devil and this wasn’t like a huge stretch. I never lost weight like that because I am not blessed with any sort of metabolism that does much besides wheeze and groan at me.
So maybe I won’t look like Grimace by the end of the summer after all. Or I will, but in a slightly LESS fluffy form.
After all, we’re going on a CRUISE, Pranksters (details coming on TUESDAY!) and I have to be DEAD SEXY for you.