I started the morning by grousing about the state of the world in general, followed that with a piping hot bowl of prunes, and then watched my Matlock for a spell because I am an old person. Also, I do not eat prunes because I am not insane and prunes, no matter how tasty and fucking delicious they are, look like fucking cockroaches.

Sure, our old mattress was this ancient hand-me-down Tempur-Pedic thing that was actually ripped so badly that it was disintegrating, but because we are not normal, we bought an old people Sleep Number bed. I tried like crazy to get Daver to allow me to get the one that went up and down like a hospital bed with the radio and the TV remote built into the side, but he refused.

Apparently, me shrieking about “mah bedsores” in the middle of the mattress stores wasn’t enough to convince him that we needed a $4,000 bed. Ass.

The upside to getting a new mattress when one comes down with the flu, I suppose was that I spent most of the week in that bed. And I have to give it over to old people: that motherfucker is COMFORTABLE. I mean, sleeping on a box would be preferable to sleeping on the busted Tempur-Pedic because that thing had a gorge in the middle of it. A cavern. A chasm. It was kind of like a vagina in the middle of the mattress.

Now I can totally pick up dudes with my Sleep Number (40) rather than my zodiac sign. Because explaining that I’m not REALLY a Cancer and a lot more like a Leo makes me sound all kinds of neurotic.

Shut UP.

But that’s all kind of a moot point because until I can pick up dudes at the Urgent Care Clinic*, I’m kind of screwed. Flu Made Who is pretty much got me down for the count and is trying to make me his bitch.

This here, Pranksters, is motherfucking bat country.

How are YOU today, my Band of Merry Pranksters? I assume you’re not sweating with the exertion of sitting up and praying for the sweet release of sleep death dramatics Vicodin to overtake you.

*is it me, or does the word “clinic” make you think of STD’s?



98 Responses to Try As I Might, I Couldn’t Program The Thing With 867-5309

  • I’m doing great, thanks for asking! I’ve eaten fake cheese crackers, which I secretly love, I’ve written a blog post that includes bacon, deals on funeral plots and serial killers, and I’ve given into my love of diet soda. The day is my oyster. Except it’s actually something awesome I could actually use, so today is my personal helicopter.

    Oh yeah, I’m getting one of those microphone headsets. I’m gonna freaking rock my helicopter.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      Dude. I will order cheeseburgers from you when I see you with that stupid headset on. Because that’s what I do to The Daver. Y’all look like McDonald’s cashiers and that? MAKES FATTY WANT A CHEESEBURGER.

  • Misty says:

    I have to admit, I am reading this WHILE lounging on my Sleep Number Bed (45 over here) and YES that motherfucker is extremely comfortable when needing to escape from the world. Sometimes I tell my husband I feel ill, just so I can go lie down. haha

  • Alexandra says:

    A sleep number bed??

    GA! Now it’s not only me that wants to marry you, it’s my husband, too..

    We could make it work…

  • avasmommy says:

    I am so tired and brain dead, I can’t even come up with a witty remark. So, I’m afraid you’ll have to make up your own today.

  • Melme says:

    Oh man! I’ve always wanted a sleep number bed! We bought our first/current mattress because it was cheep and we were on a budget and we were getting married so we needed a bed and yada yada, but neither of us likes it. Plus, I’m more of a soft bed person while he’s a firm bed person… I foresee either problems or a sleep number bed in our future.

  • thenextmartha says:

    Nothing pisses me off more than when I see my husband taking a nap on my side (#75) when he sleeps with his on #25. JUST USE THE REMOTE DUMB ASS.

  • I’m still reeling from last night’s Lost finale. Can’t really focus on anything else today.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      I am the only person on the planet who didn’t watch that show.

      • Gunfighter says:

        I didn’t see it either, Becks… I’ve never seen Lost.

      • Wombat Central
        Twitter: wombatcentral

        Tried watching Lost a few times in the beginning. Didn’t get it. Felt lost myself, so I tuned out and never went back. You’re not alone.

      • CatPS says:

        I didn’t see it either, AB. I was going to try to watch all the old Lost seasons on DVD, but then everyone was all like “OMG LOST IS THE BEST SHOW EVAAHH I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT LOSTLOSTLOSTLOST!!!” And since I am so obstinate I decided that I hate Lost. I’ll probably give in after a year or so and watch them all and be all “LOST IS THE SHIT!!” But for now, I’m holding out.

  • melanie says:

    hope you get feeling better pronto, I am in the allergy induced sneezing, sore throat, runny nose particular hell right now, but still it doesn’t hold a candle to that damn piggie flu….

    glad you like your new bed, my girlfriend and her husband returned their sleep number bed because they didnt like feeling a ridge down the middle where the two separate air chambers came together…. plus their kids were always jacking with the controls!

  • Wicked Shawn says:

    I dream of sleeping with numbers. Serious mattress envy, dude! You have no idea. I see those commercials and I salivate. I just want, want want. Damnit……….

  • Heather says:

    I’m with you… clinic is totally giving me STD visions. But yeah for the new bed…

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      It’s weird because I’ve never *ahem* BEEN to an STD clinic before, but I have been to an Urgent Care Clinic. Many times.

      Heh. Who the shit knows?

  • Alyssa says:

    Boo for the flu!

    I’m sitting in a sweltering, air conditioning-less apartment with a baby in my belly who’s supposed to be getting out of there extremely soon but probably won’t. I’m obviously quite pleasant! =)

  • Christa says:

    Yes. I hear “clinic” and I think STD. Then I think of the STD poster that Joey from Friends posed for.

    I am good, thanks. Sorry you are not.

  • Kelly says:

    I’m kind of jealous. I would like a sleep number bed.

    I just put a couple of Mea’s new 4 year old pictures up that we had done last week, they are super cute, (I say so dammit!), it could make you feel better just by looking at them….

  • Zakary says:

    Ooh, jealous. I want a Sleep Number bed BADLY.

    And you are totally more of a Leo than a Cancer.

  • leanne says:

    I’m a little useless. We went to visit family over the weekend. Enjoyed it a lot, but the long-ass car trip with 2 children… not so much. And I’m also feeling a little sleep deprived.

    I need to snap out of it and get my shit together. Because I have shit that needs serious organizing. But first I’m going to go pick up my son from kindergarten. I think it’s best if I remember to do that.

    Feel better soon, Becky!!!

  • Stephanie says:

    Decent today. Hubster had an allergic reaction to some fish, so was in the only bathroom we have for just under 24 hours on Friday/Saturday. I got fuckn inebriated Sat night and had a great time and a hangover cured by mushroom meatballs prepared by angels (well one…she’s my grandma) on Sunday.

    And yes: “clinic” does make me think of STDs. Of course, there is a relatively new student center and the dude it’s named after had the unfortunate initials of V.D. It’s nickname? The Clinic. 🙂

    Sorry about the flu. Whip its ass, Bex.

  • Nancy from Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

    Awesome. Way to break in the Sleep Number bed. I love ours so much that I insisted on it in the divorce (he got the BBQ and patio furniture). I think I came out way better in the deal.

    Oh, and I’m at 33, cause I like it soft, yo.

  • My eyes are crazy dilated form eye exam this morning. And my body aches because WE need a new mattress.

  • Nic says:

    Clinic definitely = STD

    Sorry your still feeling sickly… your misery its making for some funny posts tho!

  • Amy! says:

    Oh, that bed sounds AMAZING. My boyfriend has a Tempurpedic bed, and that shit fucks up my back like crazy, and it’s not even completely broke ass!

    Hope you feel better soon!

  • Foxy says:

    Hey! I nominated you for an award on my blog…apparently telling you this is one of the rules…

  • Regina says:

    I am very jealous of your sleep number bed. We need a new mattress, but like a lot of other people, are broke.
    Today, I am thrilled that my doctor is taking me off the ace inhibitor that has been making me cough non-stop, and is putting me on an ARB. Maybe I can stop using my inhaler! Damn high blood pressure!

  • Swirl Girl says:

    We shelled out one year college tuition for the Ortho mattess (like tempurpedic, but sounds more old -ladyish) a few years ago.

    My theory is that you spend 1/3 of your life in your bed…and if you can’t be getting laid all of that time – you should at least get some good sleep. Worth the investment and so what if my kid has to work at the DQ for the rest of her life to pay for college.

    I love my bed. It’s like sleeping on the beach .

  • Not sure about the word “clinic” but STD’s make me think of you. Miss you bitch.

  • Heather says:

    I’ve had my sleep number for about six weeks now and I LOVE it!!
    I leave mine on 100 all the time. It’s really helping my fibromyalgia and back issues.

  • a says:

    Yes. Clinic = STD But what really makes me chuckle is that in my line of work, std = the abbreviation for standards. And Short Term Disability, which is also playing a role in my life.

    I really don’t know why you want to be a Leo so badly. All the ones in my life (and there are MANY) are kinda whiny and self-involved. On second thought, maybe you are a Leo! 😉

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      I also think of Save The Date when I think of STD. Actually, I think of STD when I hear Save The Date and then I laugh because I hate weddings like I hate the color orange.

      Also, I am totally whiny and self involved. Because I am a BLOGGER. I think that’s in the unwritten blogger code.

  • Fran says:

    My Sleep Number bed is the one we bought BRAND SPANKING NEW in 1998. It has no fancy pants numbers you just press the button until it feels right which sucks when we have guests who we give up our room for and we air both sides up all the way then we can’t get them back where we want them FOREVER!! My husband calls my side “the canoe” while I think sleeping on his side is like sleepling with the peak of a mountain in the middle of my back. And navigating the middle line during sex gets a little crazy sometimes. But I totally love my mattress!!

  • cathyjoy says:

    i’m totally #50 unless of course i’m being #37. glad you have some small comfort during your fuckin flu!!!

    get better soon!

  • the Matty says:

    Good stuff, as always, hon. I’m a fan of the good memory foam mattresses. Sorry yours came apart like that. Of course, the vagina in the middle might come in for me during the wife’s “special time” of the month…otherwise known as “steak & blowjob weekend”. Foam or not, it’s always good to have a fallback muffin to butter. 😉

  • Ms. Moon says:

    I just took a nap on my Sleep Number Bed. It was awesome. I’m a 40 too. Wow. We have a lot in common, Becks.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream

    Clinic definitely means std especially when preceded by the word free.

    I am pretty good despite still being kinda sick. I made buttermilk waffles today. I finally have a working oven…wooohooooo. I think those two things combined overshadow a shitty night’s sleep and the perpetual congestion and coughing I seem to have.

  • April says:

    I, too, long for the old people bed where each side reclines independently but my husband…well, not so much. If you want to pick up some REALLY hot guys you can always come on down to the ER where I work – cream of the crop there for sure!

    P.S. My 7 yr. old totally busted out an “867-5309” reference this weekend – it was fucking hilarious!!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      I would pay money to see your kid bust out that reference. That song? Full of the awful. And by awful? I mean aw-SOME.

      • April says:

        It was awesome. It’s actually what I posted about today…

        Ahhh…the joys of instilling all sorts of crap in your children never gets old… 🙂

        • Yvonne! says:

          my 7 year old regularly rocks out to sublime with me. not at all sucky, def full of the awesome. when she busts out the “buck buck” during waiting for my ruca it makes my lil heart swell.

  • Brooke says:

    I’m very sorry you don’t feel well, but you’re not making any God damn sense to me. I must be getting sick too

  • Melissa says:

    Agreed – clinic = STD. Sorry you arent better yet! You are going to have to get your crotch parasites to wear hospital masks and bathe in purell from now on.

  • I’m completely spastic…thanks for asking.
    I hope that your flu goes away soon….I thought that the threat of a lawsuit would get rid of it. Silly me.

  • Gunfighter says:

    How am I today? Tired, and more than a wee bit crabby.

    I went to the range this morning and put a hundred rounds through my pistol, and Soccer Girl and I are having marinated steaks tonight. Mommy-the-meat-hater is out of the house at a meeting.

    She can have a bowl of rice.

  • I’m good. My kids still have 3 more weeks of school. That makes me happy. I have a tempur pedic bed. It’s all kinds of wonderful. Its one of the reasons I hate camping. I lay on a thin pad on the hard ground and all I can think about is how I miss my memory foam. I could be laying embraced by memory foam right now, in a temperature controlled room with a flush toilet only 3 yards away. But no. I’m on the cold hard ground, in the humidity with bugs in the supposedly bug proof tent and bushes a 10 yard hike away.

    Can you tell I am supposed to go camping this weekend? I think I may have sprain my wrist, twist my ankle or eat old sushi to get out of it

  • OMG My bed? The best $2000 I ever spent. If I ever divorce my husband, there will be a knock down drag out fight in the parking lot over it. It’s the ONE thing in this house that WILL BE MINE.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral

    We looked at the sleep number beds, but that wasn’t old person enough for me. I get the Fiber One Prune puree smoothie for my breakfast, betch.

    Our bed is comical. Hubby picked his own Twin XL (firm) and I picked mine (big ass marshmallow cloud). Mine is jacked up at the head because I have The GERD. So it’s an uneven king-sized bed. Half flat, half jacked the hell up for the old lady. Looks classy.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral

    P.S. I hope you’re feeling better soon. If you need a giggle, watch Natalie Portman spew some bad ass mother effing rap:


  • my inlaws have a sleep number bed, and love it. well, now my FIL only sleeps in one of those reclines that stands you up to get out of it. when are they gonna make a toilet like that? because he needs one… i can’t count the number of times he has fallen in the john.

    but that is neither here nor there.

    hope you feel better soon

  • Liz says:

    Becky, you will kick the flu’s ass, eventually. I just finished mopping it up – it kicked mine for 2+ weeks. If I hadn’t felt so awful, I would have adored the ‘half-bottle of whiskey’ feeling. I did not, however, get to sleep it off. You see, my boss sucks, and unless I am puking, I can’t call in sick to work. Well, I could, but then they’d fire me and I need the money. Since my boss is the one who gave me the flu this time around, I felt little guilt at sitting my flu-stoned bum at my desk getting relatively little accomplished. This now means I’m having to catch up on lots of drunken mistakes.

    She did at least give me a giant bottle of cough syrup. I work at a pharmacy/DME/hallmark store. Yay me.

  • Rebecca says:

    I really REALLY want a sleep number bed. I want the number that makes the bed extra soft……….whatever the softest the bed can be adjusted to…..make it 10 times softer. Can that number be attained?

  • CatPS says:

    My hubby finally broke… we’re getting a new mattress!!! But not a sleep number one. I’ve been wheedling for over a year, so I’m happy to take what I can get.

    I’m an Aquarius, which kinda sucks. Who really wants to be “The Water Bearer”?? What the heck is that supposed to say about me? Anyway. Sorry you got the flu. That seriously blows.

  • Hope says:

    Did you know that Tommy Two-tone is touring! He hit Hawaii earlier this month. Crazy. Who knew that number would carry into the future? Congrats on your new bed!

  • Yvonne! says:

    totally feel ya on the whole zodiac thing. it’s a fun conversation to have. “i’m on the cusp so some places i’ a scorpio and some i’m a sagitarrius but i identify myself as more of a scorpio” which invariable leads to people asking me if i like to fuck. unfortunately i had this convo with my very drunk uncle mothers day weekend. he tried (and failed) to make it not weird.

  • beta dad says:

    I had a girlfriend in college who had one of those hospital beds at her parents’ house. I never got a good reason for why her parents bought it for her. Like everything about that relationship, the things we did on that creepy bed were so wrong that it gives me the willies to think about it even now.

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  • SciFi Dad says:

    Tell the truth: you just got the sleep number bed so you can constantly change the number and pretend you’re in a hotel with a vibrating bed, didn’t you?

  • DG at Diaryofamadbathroom says:

    A sleep number bed? Totes jels. You can keep the prunes and metimucil though – heindoggy.

  • Unrelated yet inspired by your title…
    As a “Jenny” I tried to have the number 867-5309 for my cell phone only to find that it was taken. So naturally I called it…
    nothing happened, it hung up on me, but 2 minutes later I received a text from that number saying…
    “Hi Jenny”
    Good times.

  • TeacherMommy says:

    I want your bed. Not necessarily with you in it (no offense, but I have my own vagina and someone who likes to play with it and I really don’t think we need a third), but your bed, because I am also an old person what with my knees and back and such.

  • Mystern says:

    I need a new bed 🙁 Mine is a hand-me-down from my stripper ex roommate whom I rented a room from. She now does mine and my wife’s hair . . .

  • Badass Geek says:

    I believe the word you were looking for to describe the chasm in your old mattress was “fjord”.

    Trust me. It’s a real word. Google it.

  • Kristy says:

    Here we go! Got that song stuck in my head!! 🙂

  • Mwa says:

    You have the flu, I have the phlegm. Yours is worse, but you can still be witty. Life’s not fair. Is it the drugs?

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