It appears to me that people in the 1970’s had a proclivity towards bushes* and assorted foliage, if prefab neighborhood is any indication. Because EVERYONE I’ve talked to has said precisely the same thing. FUCK THE BUSHES. We’ve all had to yank out miles of ‘em to give our houses that “no, a serial killer doesn’t live here” or “no, this house is NOT abandoned” look.

As I showed you before, my own house is no different.

That was before I started.

Eventually, I made it to the Serial Killer Section of my hardware store and bought some very frightening implements of mass destruction which I promptly buried in my very own leg. Because I am not to be trusted with anything with a blade. Even a butter knife.

After much work, I got rid of…

Those motherfucking evergreen bushes, man. THE ROOTS ARE LIKE 8 MILES LONG.

In fact, this is precisely how I feel when I think about evergreen bushes. Sadness, mixed with anger, mixed with resentment. Also, is it bizarre that the kid’s hat is too big for me? DO I HAVE A PINHEAD?

The rest of those bushes in the front are dead to me, too (not the lilac or the rhododendron). They just don’t know it.

Before, Shot 2:

And the AFTER shot part number B (which also, isn’t done)(consider this the INTERLUDE, not to be confused with the QUAALUDE):

The rest of THAT ugly evergreen ground cover is going to be dug up (hopefully this week) so that I may perhaps not ever have to see an evergreen in my house so long as I live Jesus Christ AMEN.

And lastly, before any of you die of boredom, here is the only thing that looks marginally better, which you’d only see if you followed my Tweet stream and clicked over to see what I called “as boring as cat pictures.”

Before:

Butt-ass ugly, right? Like you just barfed on your monitor and now want to bill me for your keyboard? Well SORRY, Pranksters, but I can’t afford new keyboards for all of you. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Anyway, I didn’t plant that butt-ugliness, I just looked at it and shook my head for years. Then I got sick of it, got angry and took my rage out on it.

This is what happened:

I grow roses, Pranksters, which is probably making those of you who didn’t know that scratch your head quizzically because it seems like a contradictory thing for me to do. But I do. Mostly rambling roses, but this is a miniature rose. It also WASN’T the sign I was referring to, but I thought it was lovely, no?

—————

I’ll explain more about signs in another post because I was going to do it here, but I realized that it was going to be all LONG and shit and I know from my SEO tips that you cannot possibly read anything longer than 400 words.

—————-

I’m obsessing over Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black. If you don’t know that song, GET THEE TO AN iTUNES AND DOWNLOAD IT. Also, Amy, please get sober and make amazing music again.

—————-

Today is now Toy With Me day and I’m tackling cheating. It’s a tough, personal subject for me to talk about and I’d love to hear your thoughts, if you’d like to share.

*If my viewage of 70’s porn is any indication, there is a direct correlation between bush planting and rockin’ the full bush down below, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

101 Responses to Tripping Down Wisteria Lane (et. all)

  • I have never before known of the bush-serial killer connection. My interactions with neighbors will now change accordingly.

  • Get thee to my house and plant some stuff for me, ya whore.

  • avasmommy says:

    It must be awesome being you. No, seriously, I mean that.

  • Elly Lou says:

    I’m pretty sure there’s a joke to me made about planting it IN the bush but I’m too weary. I’m just so relieved you’re talking about music that doesn’t suck! :) If you heart Amy, check out Sharon Jones and the Dapkings (her backing band). It’ll make your bush tingly. Promise.

  • amber says:

    I love roses, but, unfortunately, it seems to be the one thing I can’t grow. Those are gorgeousness. I’m currently trying to murder Barberries in my front yard. Hate those thorny bastards…

  • I love yellow roses! Those are quite lovely indeed.

  • thenextmartha says:

    Aren’t after pics like blogging 101? Unless I see after shots of it all I’m going to assume that rose picture was taken in a neighbors yard.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahaha! I could SO be taking shots of my neighbors house and passing them off, but I bitch too much about my ugly yellow siding. Which? HI, isn’t it UGLY?

  • PrincessJupiter says:

    OMG Back to Black is one of those songs I put on repeat and sing over and over again. I’m sure my kids/neighbours hate me
    x

  • Sarah P says:

    Back to Black is awesome.

    Trim your bush.

  • Capn John says:

    Your roses are just gorgeous.

    We just have white ones in our small garden, which I stole from the neighbours…the roses, not the garden. Actually I just stole a couple of clippings that were poking through their front fence and which I knew the gardeners would be cutting off when they came. Is it really even stealing when you preemptively take what is only going to be cut off and disposed of anyway?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That is SO not stealing! I need to get some more roses for my back garden. I have two ramblers that are more or less happy and I require more. MORE!

  • Mary says:

    Speaking from experience, it’s better to have flowers in the back of the house. This way you can sit out in the back in your lawn chair, with a drink in your hand and admire them without the neighbors thinking you’re crazy. I live in Florida and the back of my house is decorated like a sleazy bar in Key West, except it’s surrounded by hibiscus. It’s my favorite place to relax, blast Lady GaGa and annoy my neighbors.

    As far as serial killers go, I live in the same town that Jeff Lindsey (author of Dexter books) lives in. Living here is enough to get you thinking like a serial killer :)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I love the vegetation in Florida. I’m pretty jealous of all of you who live in temperate climates, actually, because HOLY BALLS can you grow awesome stuff. My backyard is…okay. I need to do more, but first, I seriously have to make it so that people want to come into my house first.

      • Mary says:

        This would be perfect for you since unemployment is so high, the Daver can live off your earnings. Housing is cheap, even a house with Gulf access. There are even some cool people here (not me, but I hang out with them, hoping it rubs off).

        Might as well do it while I’m thinking of it: Have a nice Mother’s Day. I’m trying to think if I want to celebrate it with my kids or not.

  • katrina says:

    YO! aunt becky, you’re a Master Gardener! who would’ve thunk it? lovin the yellow roses!…you look like you’re about 10 yrs. old in that hat. very cute!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      This is why I get carded for rated-R movies. Seriously, I do.

      • katrina says:

        You are eternally young!! i’m jealous!
        Just be glad you don’t have blackberries………yeah, i know they are yummy and all that shit, but they also take over everything…We do “minimal” (NONE) landscaping…..and they would literally be crawling over our house, if we let them.
        Our lilacs are blooming already in oregon……

  • Lisa says:

    We had a tangled english garden (prev. owner was a single nurse with tons of time). Yanked all that crap out over two years – now it’s nice and simple boxwoods (boring, but SOOOOO EASY).

    After that we hired a crew to clear out the back and plant grass. Best $2K we’ve spent on the house (it was that bad – after 5 years we couldn’t tell the weeds from the intentional plantings). This weekend the hubs gets to assemble the swingset.

    Yeah – he’s excited HAHAHA

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I was very happy to have someone else install my swingset for me. I’d also be happy to have someone else remove my damn bushes, but I’m also too much of a freak to allow them to do it.

  • a says:

    Wait, there are Dexter BOOKS? Why did I not know this?

    Also. Um. The after pictures. I told you to get the Bobcat. If you had the Bobcat, you would have gotten rid of all the bushes you wanted instead of just one. And a half.

    Nice roses, though! Our little mini shrub rose dehybridized itself and turned into a giant climbing rose. So my husband built an arbor out of scrap wood for it to climb on. This spring, with the help of some wind, that rose bush took the arbor APART. Not only did it pull the thing out of the ground, it separated the uprights from the cross pieces. We have reassembled the arbor (using screws instead of nails this time, and sinking extra stakes a foot into the ground), but I’m pretty sure the climbing rose hates us and will destroy the arbor again.

  • soccermom says:

    You lost me at “Bush”. Is that a metaphor for your va ja ja needs a trim? So confused.

  • Kaitesi says:

    I can’t grow anything, i forget and they die. I just wanted to say, the picture of you in the baseball cap makes you look 14. :P

  • Fucka buncha SEO bullshittery. If a blog post is good, is about something funny or interesting, or if you say fuck alot, we will read it even if it is 4,000 words. It’s those big long ass book reviews or cloth diaper reviews and contest entries where you have to follow me on Twitter, follow me on Facebook, friend me on myspace, write me 3 emails, tat my name on your ass, do the hokey pokey and leave a comment kind of shit most ppl don’t like.

  • I was blessed to not have shrubbery at our 1978 build house. Considering the house itself is totally whacked due to the stoned hippie builders/owners, I can only image what horrors they might have accomplished had they tried to plant anything but pot.

  • Joanne Schiffbauer says:

    Wow, your blog contains everything I ever wanted to know about
    everything; from “serial killers” and their habitats…to pretty little
    girls having their picture taken and not looking particularly happy
    about it!

  • MommyLisa says:

    Lovely roses. Damn bushes!

  • Katherine says:

    Speaking of serial killers and books, I grew up in South Orange County, same place where Dean Koontz lives/lived and writes some of his books about. It’s totally freaky when he talks about them driving on streets I drive on, and going places I go/went to! Make that shit up authors! I would imagine Maine people feel the same way about Stephen King…

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I love the roses. I need to plant some soon. So, I agree with trashing the evergreen bushes but I gotta know your thoughts on great big azalea bushes. I love them.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Desperate Housewives? Really?

    When “Aunt Becky And Her Bush” or “Aunt Becky Trims Her Bush” were available?

    I am sorely disappointed. Sore. Ly.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You know what’s the funniest part of it? I’ve never seen the show.

      My daughter picked out a wisteria bush for me to install while she heckles me, hence the name of the post. After I published it, I realized my grave, grave error. I hope that someday you can forgive me.

  • I know it’s pointing out the obvious.. but there was just faaaaaaaaaarrrrr too much bush goin on in the 70’s… thank god for brazilians is all I can say!!

    • also… I have some bushes of my own in my backyard that need to be whacked… at this point, they’re not even so much bushes as they are ugly sticks that erupt from the ground and 10 feet into the air… /sigh… feel free to give any tips on massacring bushes… or you could always plan a trip to the great white north and do it for me!! I will feed you!!! :P

      • Your Aunt Becky
        Twitter: mommywantsvodka
        says:

        You should have SEEN the backyard when we moved in. The snowball (heh) bushes covered the A/C unit in a stunning fit of brilliance by the last owner. I would have LOVED to see their electric bill. Because, HI, NO AIR MOVEMENT into the unit.

        …morons.

  • pattypunker says:

    kinda jealous of 70s girls. they never had to wax, shave, trim, bedazzle, or add landing strips to those jungles and they were still all stylin and profilin.

  • Alexandra says:

    Oh, you naughty naughty girl..

    Daver never stood a chance, did he???

  • You have beautiful roses!

  • Rebecca says:

    Even though it looks as if you are a Cubs fan, I still love you Aunt Becky……….Do the Cubs fans talk dirt about the Cardinal’s fans as much as the Cardinal’s fans talk dirt about the Cub’s fans?

  • I think that the Pranksters should lobby for the return of Amy Winehouse. She’s incredible and I demand more music and less drugs and nasty Blake Fielder-Civil-City-Hall-Hotdog or whatever the fuck his name is.

  • Jennifer B says:

    Am I crazy to not see tons of difference between the before and not-so-before pics? Or is that the point? I understand the removal is still in progress. I just didn’t know that fully bushy yard made you a serial killer. And I guess I’m kinda a gardening neophyte. I had a flower garden when I was 14, but I grew nice simple things like iris, marigolds, and daylillies. I watered them, they grew. That was about the extent of it. I’m now contemplating removing all the firebush and palms (with thorns???) from my back yard so I can install a small swing set, because, well, a morning activity for my kids is worth way more to me than the ridiculously fast growing and high maintenance bushes. Okay, this is boring… I’ll shut up. :)

  • If and when I ever own a house, I will totally pay you to come and dig up my bushes. Roses are the way to go!

  • bashtree says:

    You grow roses too? Awesomez. Your house is going to be full of The Awesome when you’re done. My fingers are crossed for you to emerge with as many rose bushes, limbs and digits as you want.

  • Dude, you have been busy! I was especially intrigued by this post because I am going to attempt to do the same thing. Not looking forward to it. AT all.

  • Melissa says:

    You ARE a kid in that photo no?

  • Bitch, get thee self (thy self? Whatever) over here and get rid of my bushes. Cause NOTHING will kill those freaking bastards, even uber strength not watered down weedkiller.

    And then I will let you make me a latte. Cause I am kind like that.

  • Inna says:

    Dude, how did you know yellow was my favorite color???
    I can’t wait to live in a place where I can actually have a garden and un-potted plants!

  • panamahat says:

    I like the bobcat idea. I mean, how long do you want to be dealing with these bushes anyway? Aside fro the fact they make great blog material…

  • so jealous of that gorgeous lilac bush. tell me, can you smell it’s scent when the windows are open?

    Never underestimate the job of unrooting a bush.
    I watched some show on cable, Desperate Landscape, or something like that. They had to bring in this huge tractor front loader claw thingy to dig out this big ever green bush in front of the house. The roots were 5 feet X 5 feet, it took six men to lift it onto the pick up truck.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      It’s entirely likely that I’ll just saw them off at the base because I am just THAT classy.

      And the lilacs aren’t open yet, but yes, when they bloom I swear it’s heaven in my house. They’re INCREDIBLE.

  • Martha says:

    Great job digging up those bushes! You rock!
    My husband has been trying to convince me for 3 years to pull out the juniper ones in front of our house. I finally hired some landscapers to do it this year-WAY better!

  • giggleblue says:

    i love amy whinehouse! and the back to black album. thumbs up there! way up!

  • giggleblue says:

    wait, isn’t it winehouse? that was a freud slip… i don’t think she whines at all.

  • jalec says:

    Becky – Just a thought you could cut the stuff you hate back. Pruning is good for the soul – you can swear and think abut people and situations then reach out and lop em off – cut them down…very therapeutic. Contemple the sheer joy of reshaping your world your way.

  • Dot says:

    Good for you, getting things shaped up. Every time I see your picture, I’m amazed at how young you are for all you’re doing.

  • Cat says:

    I love that you brought 70s porn into this.

  • Cyndi says:

    I have the bush-killing secret! First you get a chain or a rope and wrap it around the bush. Next, you attach the chain to a vehicle with a decent engine.

    Gun the Toyota and rip that shit out! It’s very redneck but very effective. :D

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  • mumma boo says:

    Huge evergreen bushes in front of the house make for serial killers, but huge flowery bushes hiding the next -door-neighbor’s trashy yard from my view makes me very happy. It’s all in how you place the bush. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

  • statia says:

    We’re in the process of ripping out our over landscaped property. People don’t take into consideration what it will look like in ten years or so. I like neat and tidy. Cute little azaleas or something that doesn’t look like winter bush. For lack of a better pun.

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