As we all know, Your Aunt Becky is absolutely not a leading authority on anything…except traveling. Not because I am very good at it – no – but because I am very bad at it.
1) Whenever possible, do NOT pack dismembered human remains in your suitcase. And if you do, make certain that you check that bag. The TSA will certainly have a problem with dismembered body parts in your carry-on (like they’re going to DO anything now that they’re dead)
8 ) Do not bother paying extra money for the “extra space” or “premium seating.” Instead, loudly discuss your bowel movements – in chronologic order – with your seatmates. They will be clamoring to change seats within five minutes.
27) Get fully intoxicated before you get on the plane to avoid paying the exorbitant costs of those wee bottles of liquor.
64) Once entirely wasted and in the air, start a dance party with your fellow cabinmates. Winner gets your extra bag of dinky pretzels.
125) If your seatmates haven’t left after you’ve loudly discussed your poo, begin to regale them with stories of your fake dead cat, Mr. Sprinkles.
216) Eat as much garlic as possible at Sbarros before boarding the plane. The rest of the cabin will REALLY appreciate the smell of garlic as it wafts out of all of your orifices.
343) Wear particularly loose pants, so when you have to take off your belt at the TSA line, they fall down, exposing your glitter thong that reads “JUICY” on the back.
512) Ask to see the cockpit and when they show you the cabin, ask where the pit is with all the cocks.
729) Sing along with your iPod as loudly. Especially if you’re tone deaf. If you don’t know the words, simply hum them loudly. When the flight attendant asks you to keep it down, tell her that singing is part of your religion.
1000) When you’ve finally reached your destination, block the aisle and rearrange your luggage, saying, “I KNOW THAT DEAD CAT IS IN HERE SOMEWHERE.”
1331) If you should board a plane with screaming babies or crying children, make sure to go up to the parents and stare at them while they try to soothe the child. They’ll appreciate that. It’ll help ’em know you care.
1728) Whenever you use the bathroom, make sure to come out and exclaim loudly, “I never knew corn could look so beautiful!” alternately “Anyone have a camera? This poo looked like Abraham Lincoln!”
2197) Do not shower for many days prior to departure. The extra layer of skin will help protect you from the stanky germs living on the seats.
2744) If anyone asks you to do anything you disagree with, simply tell them you cannot because it’s “part of your religion.”
3375) If your seatmates are still not put off by the discussion of your poo or your fake dead cat, begin weeping. Loudly. Refuse to talk about it. It may get you bumped up to first class!
4096) Wear a strap-on through security. If flashing your fellow passengers isn’t awesome enough, now you’ll confuse them. Forever. Plus, the TSA will be scared and let you through the line as quickly as possible.
4913) Tell the TSA agent that you’re really looking forward to some “hot TSA action today.” That should both perplex and horrify them.
5832) “If you’re roadtripping to your destination, it’s always best to bring a friend. They won’t take over driving when you get tired, but since they’re asleep, you can keep shaking them awake periodically and telling them it’s their turn to pay for gas. Again. Cheap road trips are worth sleep deprivation