Now, as my trolls are quick to point out (squee! I have TROLLS!) and as I myself will happily acknowledge, I’m not a very smart person. Given the opportunity to save a couple of bucks using coupons, I’m quick to forget them at home. When the baby needs to nurse, I can never remember which boob was the last to be subjected to her tiny mouth. Hell, one time I even set my sheets on fire.

But since my husband is addicted to work-a-hol and isn’t home to supervise me ruining Jello (true story!), my stupidity doesn’t factor too much into the fact that I have not only earned the title of Queen of the Sausages, but also Keeper of the House. If it’s a choice between myself and Ben, well, I’m tall enough to work the gas pedals and have valid credit cards. I’ll suppose there’s no contest there.

So when it comes to doing Grown-Up Things, like scheduling carpet cleanings (why does that sound dirtier than it should?), cleaning up after the savages that I share a home with, and occasionally threatening to throw the dog into traffic, it’s all my realm. What is also my realm and my responsibility is making sure that I know what needs to be bought at the store.

Like toilet paper.

Between the scads of people that use my house to take dumps and the frequency with which I pee–damn you squirrel sized bladder!–this is something we often need. After being the one responsible for buying said ass-paper for upwards of 6 years now, you’d think that I’d have it down pat by now.

And you’d be wrong.

Dead wrong.

Because, you see, I cannot seem to properly purchase it. It’s like I have a brain blockage when it comes to buying TP. I suppose it’s because there are just too many choices and I don’t quite understand how each of the packages differs from the other. 1-ply? 2-ply? Quilted? WITH OR WITHOUT CREEPY BEARS?

I just don’t know!

When we first bought a condo out in Oak (no) Park, we went on a Campaign To Save Money. Against my better (read: snobbish) nature, we decided to start buying generic stuff. Imagine my surprise upon purchasing said generic toilet paper that using it was akin to wiping your ass with wax paper!

But since a Campaign To Save Cash also meant that we bought in bulk (despite the fact that aforementioned condo had absolutely nil closet space), we suffered through a seemingly endless supply of TP guaranteed to chap your ass and make it bleed.

Tres awesome.

This was years ago and I thought I had learned to allow my husband to pick out the ass-paper. When in need, The Daver was The Man With A Plan (or, at least, a better idea of how to avoid hemorrhoids).

Until the day before my induction with Amelia when The Daver and I decided to do our last bit of shopping for awhile. And while he perused such exciting aisles as The Kitty Litter Aisle, I noted that there was a most excellent sale on TP! It was my lucky day!

Without so much as consulting my husband before making this purchase, I quickly threw the ginormous pack into my cart and headed off to buy sheets.

I didn’t think about it again until I came home from the hospital with a gigantic episiotomy and a raging case of hemorrhoids and went to gingerly wipe myself. I nearly screamed as I realized that instead of TP, I’d bought SANDPAPER.

Once again, the TP Boner was all mine. And, of course, in bulk.

After enduring the excruciating bathroom! fun! time! for nearly two months (because I am not only stupid, but stubborn too.) I think that we may have finally gotten to the end of the rolls of wax paper cleverly disguised as toilet paper. And if not, the rest of the rolls will be placed squarely in the garbage can where they belong.

I’ve since been banned from even looking down the TP aisle. My ass and my husband both seem to think this is probably for the best.

So, Internet, dish. What is it that you can’t seem to get the hang of no matter how simple other people find it? Before you’re all like “damn, Aunt Becky, I have NOTHING I can’t seem to do!” because you’re too embarrassed to admit that you can’t pump gas or something, remember I just told you about my hemorrhoids. How more shameful can you get?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

66 Responses to TP? We Don’t Need No Stinking TP.

  • courtneyryan says:

    I too am at a loss for what kind of toliet paper to buy so I buy a multi pack of the Scott stuff. Hey, its what my mom uses…and not horrible.

    You know what I can’t for the life of me do? Fricken mail the envelopes after I write checks and put them in the envelopes with stamps on them. Yup. (Yes, some of my bills are still payable only by mail or in person. Sigh.)

  • Heather R. says:

    I can’t seem to find my way to a post office. I think I was tortured by one as a small child or something. I have a goodie box sitting here that I need to send to Kym but it just sits there, judging me.

  • Kat says:

    I make lists for the grocery store and forget them at home. Every. Single. Time. Kat=fail.

  • Badass Geek says:

    Shameful? I’ll give you shameful.

    Like the time I clogged the upstairs bathroom in my grandparents house, and was too embarrassed to tell them? And I left it like that with a note on the lid that said, “Sorry, It’s Clogged”? And I disguised my handwriting so they wouldn’t know it was me?

    Yeah. That wasn’t shameful at all.

  • Sandy says:

    Shaving. I suck at shaving. I’ve done it for well over 15 years now and I still cut myself everytime regardless of how much money I spend on the razor. I look like a 10 year old with scabbed knees every day. Good thing that my husband thinks scabs are hot and sexy!

  • The Mommy says:

    I can’t make INSTANT mashed potatoes. Seriously. I’m a pretty good cook, but this baffles me. Do I put the milk and water in in the wrong order? Do I add 2 TBSP of salt instead of 2 tsp? Doesn’t matter. Always bad.

    And as a side note, when I’m breastfeeding I find it helps me to remember which boob was last by using something on my wrist that I move every time. For my last baby I bought a Mothers reminder bracelet – mine is kinda like a Lance Armstrong-type resin thing with a slider that allows you to mark the time that you last nursed, too. I found it absolutely invaluable because I can’t remember shit. Especially when nursing. I just searched it and now they come in fancier choices! Damn!

  • Kerrie says:

    I swear I have about 27 cans of corn in my house. Every time I go to the store and go down the vegetable aisle…I buy corn. What’s even more asinine about the whole thing is that I don’t like corn…at all. So, all I do is wait for people to have babies, or have funerals so I can make casseroles to take to them….with corn in it. HEY – YOU just had a baby! Would YOU like a corn casserole?

  • LMAO … literally!!! I’m the same way with any type of paper. Toilet, Papertowel, printer paper … you name it.

    Oh and did I forget to say that I suck at about everything else, too?! :-)

    Thanks for the laugh today!

  • fidget says:

    i fuck up everything i try to make in the crock pot. I dont know how. You dump in ingredients, turn it on and wait. I can bake my own damn bread but ask me to crock pot and be prepared for flaming crap at dinner time

  • kbrients says:

    I ALWAYS undercook hamburgers on the grill…. ALWAYS. In fact I undercook a lot of things… mainly b/c I am impatient and it just should not take that long!

  • jen says:

    Hi, Becky-

    I’m not so much a troll as a stalker…I found your blog a couple of weeks ago. I, too, am an RN and re-think my career choice at practically every patient. I also have had some experience as a peds surgical nurse and have witnessed surgeries similar to your daughter’s. I so wanted to write you to tell you that, in most cases, it really only takes about an hour. But I did not want to throw advice from some weird stalker regarding your child’s brain. Actually, my co-workers, who make nursing bearable, all collectively wanted to write and send our (positive) experiences. Yeah, the Cleveland Clinic nurses are really reading blogs on the internet all night. We’ve just mastered the art of looking professional.
    Anyway, I identify with you at almost every turn in regards to marriage, kids, dogs, and cats. And generic TP. We all learn the hard way. My husband is an ER doc and works all the time, as well. Thank you for all the 3 a.m. laughs!
    Jen

  • Shanna says:

    I can not make any type of cookie. I try, oh lord have I tried, but I end up with 3 dozen hocky puks. See, I also do not know how to make anything in moderation. Want to come for dinner? I make enough to feed a small army most nights. Just not Tuesdays as that is no cook night for me, at least until Steve is done with bowling. :)

  • Jacquie says:

    In what ways do I consistently fail? How much time do you have?

    3 out of 4 times I use my ATM card for debit rather than credit, I mess up the PIN so that the card gets frozen and I have to make the walk of shame into the bank. Worst part is that it freezes my husband’s card too, so I am always busted.

    4 out of 5 times I make coffee, I improperly set the carafe so that it all backs up on itself in the filter section and ends up all over the counter, then the coffee is grainy for weeks.

    I’m like Kerrie with the corn, but for me it’s peanut butter. I have at least 14 jars at all times.

    I go straight to the gym from work at least twice a week, and always forget socks. Whenever I try to work out early and go straight to work, I forget at least one thing, usually a significant undergarment.

    This is depressing. Tomorrow ask me to comment about all the ways that I am awesome.

    Cheers,

    Jacquie

  • Mrs.Spit says:

    I CANNOT make rice. Just, can’t. I burn it, it’s over cooked, undercooked. Every bad way to make rice, I’ve made it. Never had it turn out. Even minute rice.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    I ALWAYS forget to bring the lovely breastmilk travel container back from the house to work. Which means I carry four filled bags of milk loose in my purse. I’m sure one of these days my keys or random pieces of jewelry in my purse will choose to attack at them and I will open my purse to discover my bracelet standing triumphantly over the vanquished plastic bag, surrounded by the blood (aka milk) of its enemy. Course, I could carry them in my hand, but then I would forget them in the car when I go into the house. In fact, the only reason I even remember to bring the milk home is because I have a reminder in my calendar that pops up before I leave.

  • PiquantMolly says:

    I am very particular about toilet paper. Here are my rules:

    1) soft
    2) 1-ply
    3) double-rolls

    Why? 1) to save my precious IBS-ed ass; 2) they last gobs longer than 2-ply; 3) they last gobs longer than single rolls.

    The best I’ve found that follows my rules is Cottonelle. And, remarkably, you can get a 12 pack of double rolls for $5.99 at Wal-Mart. Win-win, really. Get thee to Wally World.

    Plus, cute puppies on the ads. Way better than those creepy bears with linty asses. Jesus.

    Also, we need to chat, because I have a diagnostic colonoscopy coming up a week from Monday. And if anyone under the age of 50 can discuss a colonoscopy, it’s you.

  • Cathy says:

    Washing dishes. I wind up soaked. The counters. The floor. The cat. Every. Single. Time.

    Also, pouring things from one container to another. Pour formula in a bottle? Ha! The counter, sure, the floor absolutely – a bottle? Um, maybe some splashes in? And when formula is 35 bucks a can (that lasts 2ish days), it HURTS!

  • Melanie says:

    first of all I second the cottonelle…….look for the puppy and all is good!!

    well this is sort of embarassing, but in my quest to be more environmentally friendly I decided to use a diva cup for “that time of the month”……I was so freaking excited that i was never going to be filling the landfills with used pads and tampons, I bought it, and immediately found out i was preggers, so it sat there unused for a year….after baby was born (VIA C-SECTION I MIGHT ADD)……. I decided it was time to use the diva cup and no matter how many friends (whom I told about the product while I was preggers) say how much I have vastly improved their lives……….I cannot for the life of me, get it to consistantly work (and seriously out of probably 10 ppl, I am THE ONLY ONE)…….at first I said well maybe my girly parts arent in proper shape after having a baby (even though they ought to have been, i never even flipping dilated one bit)………. but now, 10 months post-partum………. I am still a fricken failure! (I will say that even though I am a failure, I still use it and have at least cut way back on my feminine product use, but it infuriates me that I cant figure it out).

    whew………got that off my chest.

  • kate says:

    light bulbs. fucking light bulbs.

  • heather says:

    Based on the title of the post, I suspected this was about young Ben and his lack of need for TP. LOL.

    Carnation Instant Breakfast. Dump the mix in a glass, add milk, and stir. Simple, right? I stir, and stir, and stir for HOURS and still with the clumpy faux chocolate gobs floating around. How hard can it be? Very.

  • I always hand weighed the girls when I was nursing to figure out which side I needed to nurse on, of course, I did only nurse one side at a time…

    I suck at remembering ANYTHING…srsly. I constantly run out of TP, milk..I pay bills late ALL THE TIME. My kids take way too much stuff into school late..

    I usually burn stuff on the grill..it takes me never leaving the grill for it to be edible..sad sad,..

  • Heather P. says:

    Who ever said they can’t do instant potates is in the same boat with my mom. The woman can cook anything-she has even catered, she is an amazing cook, but CAN NOT make instant mashed potatoes.
    I can not deal with raw dough. Freaks me the hell out! CAN NOT stand the way it feels against my hands!
    As for TP, my grand-daddy in addition to being a coal miner, was a plumber and he swore by Charmin. The original Charmin formula is no good anymore(too thin), so we use the two-ply now.

  • CJ says:

    My DH is *very* particular about his TP, so that is all his department. I gladly leave that up to him.

    I always forget which side I nursed on last, too. I am often seen (by baby and DH only, of course) lifting up my shirt and squeezing the girls to see which one is up next. DH always offers to help, bless his heart. He’s truly selfless.

  • Lola says:

    Well, there’s absolutely nothing I can’t do, except flip a fucking omelet or fold it or whatever the hell you’re supposed to do. Maybe I can’t spell omelet either. Oh, well, I’ll let my flaw flag fly and not Google to see if it’s spelled right.

    Oh, and I’m a total TP SNOB! I’m all about the fluffy, easy on the ass kind that wreck septic systems. Hey, I could die before the damn system fails. At least my ass won’t be chafed

  • ainebegonia says:

    I could never remember which side when I was breastfeeding my first little girl. I had one of those reminder bracelets, but I would forget to move it or I wouldn’t be sure if I had moved it or not or I would move it twice, once while feeding – once after feeding because I thought I hadn’t moved it. I could never tell which one was *ahem* fuller, so after the first couple of months, I just tried to do both sides every feeding.

    I, also, can not make fudge. Not even the kind that comes in the box. I simply can not master whatever special skills it requires. I have made some nasty but firm fudgelike substances, I’ve made fudgey tasting liquids, but never have I achieved fudge.

    I do buy non name brand toilet paper but only specific ones that I know are of higher quality. I will NEVER buy the Scott brand. My brother once brought that home and my sister threw the roll at his head (it chaffed her) and threatened a home castration if he ever brought that “demon paper” into the house again.

  • mysterious m says:

    How about getting pulled over for making a left turn on a red. Albeit it had juuust turned red and it was from a one way to a one way. And then not having your insurance card in the car b/c you neeever get pulled over so you are pretty lax about putting the most recent one in the car.

    I’m staring down an 8 pt ticket now. Lovely.

  • Kristine says:

    When my son was roughly 6 months old, I took him with me to the evil empire to buy various things, including socks for him. I had a CRYING breakdown in the infant sock aisle because I didn’t know what socks to choose. My husband has since been in charge of all sock purchases (except my own because I always buy the same exact kind.)

    I was often seen grabbing my boobs to see which one was lighter and which one was heavier in an attempt to figure out which side should be next.

  • Megan says:

    Mac & Cheese. Why can’t I make it without overcooking or undercooking the noodles? Every time? I’m a pretty descent cook and love pasta so I make it all the time but for some reason if it comes in a box with neon yellow cheese substitute I can’t ever get it right.

  • Calliope says:

    ha ha ha ha I LOVE YOU!
    (& in case you wanted to know- we use the tp with the bears in the BLUE packaging)

    I suck at twist ties. As in I seem to be way aggressive when I twist as they always seem to crumble and fall apart. My Mother sucks at using my fancy ergonomic can opener…I guess it takes a village.

    xo

  • Betts says:

    If you asked my husband, I’m sure he could come up with a gazillion things I’m not good at. I’m not thinking of any right now, but I’m sure there are a couple.

    Blame it all on mommy brain. It starts when your pregnant and it can last well into toddlerhood before you go into remission. You never know when a temporary relapse might occur, like the other day when I found the bread in the crisper drawer of the fridge.

  • stacey says:

    I get the hang of remembering that I have already remembered the thing I forgot. I know that makes no sense, let me give an example. There are 5 jars of peanut butter in my house because 2 months ago I forgot to buy some. So the next time I was in the store I remember it. But I forgot I remembered it, so the NEXT time I was in the store I remembered I had forgotten peanut butter. And I did this 3 MORE TIMES before I finally remembered that I did in fact remember to get the peanut butter.

    I’m embarrassed to admit how much tomato sauce & toilet paper we have for the same reason

  • stacey says:

    Correct that.. I mean I DON’T get….

  • swirl girl says:

    Who me? I do EVERYTHING perfectly.

    ..and down with dingleberries. Go Cottonelle or go home.

  • amy says:

    THIS?….IS WHY I READ THIS BLOG! You fucking crack me up! I literally pulled my car over and read this post on the side of the road…Hey, I was simi-safe!

    Razors….I cannot figure out which razor head fits on what base because they are constantly coming up with the new 3,4,5,+ blades! I spent $15 last week on 8 razors, only to get home, open the package, and realize they don’t frickin fit on my base. So I had to go back to the store, buy the base that fit (another $10), oh, and the husband didn’t like “that kind,” so I dropped another $13 on his…..Nearly $40 bucks on razors???!!!! It’s exhausting!!!!!!!!

  • a says:

    I buy Cottonelle too. If I must go cheap, Angel Soft is adequate. I do not let my husband purchase TP, because he will buy the cheapest crap out there – last time I think he got rejected gift wrap tissue paper that was bleached and spun onto a roll. However, next time I really feel the need to economize, I’m going to the hospital where I had my daughter and stealing their TP – it was the softest stuff I’ve ever encountered in a public bathroom and I think it might have been better than Cottonelle.

    I cannot cut straight for my life. Never have been able to – in 3rd grade, I was the only one who got to use the pinking shears to cut out my Valentine heart because it looked so awful otherwise! I also cannot measure anything correctly with a tape measure. Give me a graduated cylinder, a pipette, a volumetric flask – no problem (I have a degree in Biochemistry, after all)! Ask me to cut a piece of anything to 17.5″ and you’ll get something that’s either 17.25″ or 17.75″ – which really frustrates my husband when he decides that I should be his construction helper.

  • Stacie says:

    I can never remember to feed the dog. It never fails. He is supposed to get fed at 5:30 and every night at 6:30 I can’t figure why the damn dog is staring at me. Then I remember I didn’t feed him.

    I can never remember when it is Caden’s day to bring the class snack. I always get to school and see his name and end up running to the store and then back to school with the snack. Today, I forgot snack and his lunch.

    I always forget to clean the toilet in the basement. I never use it (something about peeing amoung spiders creeps me out) and forget to clean it on wipe up the pee day.

    Is that it? Probably not. I am sure there is a lot more.

  • Rachel, too. says:

    RICE. i cannot cook the shit. i follow the directions each and every time, anally measuring out water, rice, blah blah blah. i am retarded. =) i highly recommend kleenex cottonelle TP and kleenex VIVA PT. however, now that the husband lost his job we are on a budget, so i have been using the member’s mark from sam’s club and i like it just as much. but charmin? can kiss my ass. who wants little dots of TP stuck to their fingers and ass when they’re done? NOT ME!

  • heather says:

    I like Sam’s brand of tp, not too thick, not scratchy, just right. Angel soft is OK or Northern, but I hate cottonelle, it’s like trying to wipe your ass with a mitten. My suggestion for YOU would have been to either buy the “wet wipes” that are flushable while you were healing, screw the dry paper OR using a small spray bottle to lightly mist the paper. Makes it much easier to take on a sore butt/episiotomy. We must be gentle with our delicate bits, you know.

    I can’t merge onto the highway. Other than that, I can pretty much do damn near anything. =) Haha.

  • Sarah says:

    Food falls out of my mouth ALL THE TIME. It’s like the horribly uncoordinated muscles I had as a teenager have all migrated towards my mouth. My brother has told me I eat like a cow. The only difference being that cows don’t routinely shoot food all over the place. If I try to drink out of the juice container (naughty naughty) I end up with a double deluge down the girls. It’s charming.

    (And I could never remember which boob I fed from either)

  • giggleblue says:

    cosigning on cottonelle! it’s important to be brand oriented.

    meanwhile, i suck at “run in and pick up…” grocery shopping. i’m that asshole with the calculator out trying to determine if it’s cheaper to get the 35 pack or the 52 pack of dishwasher tablets (for your information, they are the same price per unit, regardless of bag size, unless of course, one size is on sale…). by this time, DP is usually mumbling something about “do you want me to give you 11 cents, which totally makes me just pick whatever and hurry up. gosh, i’m so lovable…

  • Madame Yu Se says:

    Parallel parking. I’ll drive a mile to find a place I can drive into, not back into and not have to parallel park.
    I also suck at cooking and relationships.

  • michelle says:

    I buy the TP but I do no tput a new roll on the hangerr… EVER! and I live in NJ where you may not pump your own gas, it is against the law. So when I drive in another state, and need to get gas, I stand there like a moron looking at the pump and have to beg someone to help me because i have no idea whatsoever. how. to. pump. gas.

    one time, I had a 104 year old grandmother in maryland pump gas for me. honest. to. god.

    I just can’t do it.

  • birdpress says:

    I can’t add in my head. I can’t drink out of a bottle without dribbling on myself. I can’t make toast without burning it. It’s always not toasted enough the first time so I put it down again, just for a few seconds, and then always forget about it. I always make a shopping list and then leave it stuck on the fridge when I go shopping. That’s just off the top of my head!

  • kalakly says:

    Blow jobs….

  • Jenn says:

    I have the same issues with toilet paper. And toothpaste. I just buy whatever and my husband HATES it. So now he always picks those things out.
    I actually thought when this entry started that you were going to say you completely ran out. Which has happened here because I once completely FORGOT to buy the freaking toilet paper. NOT FUN.

  • I can never remember if we have dish washing detergent, so I buy it pretty much every time I go to Costco, which means there are about 18 humongous bottles of it in my garage. My biggest fear is having to do the dishes by hand, b/c then I can’t blame not doing them on the fact that the dishwasher is full, which, friends, is totally a valid excuse. I also suck at returning phone calls. It’s not that I don’t want to talk (but, for the record, most of the time, I don’t) I just literally forget that peopled called me, left me a message, and asked me to call them back. Your best bet is to simply keep calling until you catch me b/c even if I could stomach a convo with you, I will not remember to call you back. AWESOME, blog:)

  • Tanya says:

    Grilled cheese sandwiches… I always have to scrape the completely blackend second side to make it edible.

    I bought the Cascades recycled toilet paper once… trying to be somewhat environmentally conscious and all. I swear one drop of pee hit it and it disintegrated.

  • mnsm31 says:

    well this is an EASY one for me to answer: I forget to mail and or send back important papers. and very important papers..
    E.g. I got a notice in the mail (yesterday) that the state was going to revoke my license, due to the fact that I was in a car accident and didn’t have proof of insurance on me, when said accident happened. and there for was going to mail it today, but when got home totally forgot, thank god some one found it and reminded me of it.

  • mnsm31 says:

    P.S.
    I LOVE target brand pink label toilet paper: I THINK it’s 3 ply, and or it is so damn soft, it feels 3 ply.

  • Pamela J. says:

    Seriously, I can’t boil water without walking away from the pan and burning it up. I notice when the smell gets really bad. Needless to say, anything more complicated than that and I’m in real trouble.

  • Meghan says:

    It me, just changed my domain name..the “friend” won’t leave it alone…

    I can’t bake to save my life and I REALLY suck at making bread. I actually let my bread maker do the dough part and then bake it in the oven. I thne pass it off as my own:p I’m horrid

  • Eva says:

    My husband likes to get the recycled kind. I don’t really mind it too much personally but it is worthless for when my kid has made some sort of potty attempt. I have to wet it and it just disintegrates so I use paper towels and that’s just dumb. I had a temper tantrum and now we buy the expensive stuff and life is way better. We require less of it, too, for the same effect. I pee oh so very often and it is nice to like the TP.

  • Pennie says:

    I am a total TP snob!! I will ONLY buy Cottonelle Ultra double rolls. If I am going to have to wipe my ass with something and pay to buy it, it damn well better be soft!

    I can never seem to pick out the right deodorant. NEVER! Everytime I try one it never works right and I can’t remember the last kind that worked right. I am the same way with Shampoo too. Plus I am too lazy to wait to condition my hair, so I have to buy a 2in1 and never can find a type that I like. But ohwell, thats life.

  • Fiddle1 says:

    My hubby always says the TP I buy is like John Wayne paper. “It don’t take shit off no one.” I am always on a mission to find the best bargain, but he hates the stuff I buy. I use Scotts. It’s one ply, and I use tons of it..but it somehow lasts longer than any other roll, regardless of their length. And since you hate shopping for it..the longer it lasts the fewer trips down THAT aisle.

  • Fiddle1 says:

    Of course, I should have mentioned the time I took a trip to SE Asia and ran out of TP. I had to use the dipper bucket ( a bucket of clean water next to the toilet which is just a porcelan hole in the ground that you stand over), splash water into my hand, and wipe my butt. yes, i have wiped shit off my ass with my hand. But amazingly, there were no visible marks b/c of that water. Then I had to furiously scrub my hand. But that day I changed…it made me a less uptight person somehow. And I sometimes wonder if they haven’t figured things out over there..I’m sure their asses are way cleaner than ours.

  • SCY says:

    Honestly? I *don’t* know how to pump my own gas. That’s cos here in SA, we’re terribly spoilt and have people who work at the gas stations who pump our gas for us. And added bonus? They clean our windscreens and put air in our tyres too ;)

    xxx

  • mandy says:

    I stick with simple boxed meals, hamb helper anyone? I cannot make anything from scratch. Someone above mentioned fudge? Me neither. Apple Pie? Me neither. Home made breads? I had a breadmaker AND a breadmaker recipe book-hardbound..it NEVER ever ever turned out right. What is right? My MIL makes it every day in the breadmaker with the same ingredients, and hers turns out looking JUST like bread! Mine? Some sort of bricks. Bread does not like me, I am telling you that is what it is!

    That’s all I can think of. My husband comments in some manner about what is “missing” or what could make a meal better next time..every single meal. So, I am guessing I can’t even cook the boxed stuff quite right. Oh well. (I’m not the one who has to eat it anyway) So there!

  • Betty M says:

    I cant boil potatoes. Can cook anything else you want but have a potato blind spot.

  • Kendra says:

    I am completely incapable of maintaining the house. Like, it’s really bad. I can clean, more or less, and cook, more or less, but the things that prevent the house from falling down around our ears? I am completely out of my element. I once authorized a $900 plumbing repair; my husband had given the plumber my work number to call me with an estimate, and he freaked me out about the amount of money we were going to lose with the drippy faucet (that’s right, a drippy faucet) so I told him, then and there, to go ahead with his $900 plumbing job. I have no idea how to mow a lawn, how to clean gutters, how to change a furnace filter, and some guy convinced me yesterday that we absolutely had to have a new back door. I was paralyzed with fear that he was right, combined with fear that he was wrong and I was being stupid again. Nothing can ever happen to my husband; I will immediately have to remarry so that the house doesn’t burst into flames.

    And I have never gotten over the habit I developed early on, of simply poking my boobs before nursing. Whichever one is tighter, that’s the one we’re starting with. My kids always fell asleep nursing, so getting to both sides at once was out of the question. Sometimes (especially when they were new) I would realize I’d forgotten to close the nursing bra after the last nursing session, so that was a hint. But to this day (nursing #3, and she just had her first birthday) I just poke and guess. That’s as close as I come to a system!

  • Emily says:

    I can not do girl hair. I am not talking french braids here- pony tails, little half pony tails, regular braids- I am terrible at all of it. My hands just don’t work right with a brush and rubber bands or clips. Which is particularly unfortunate, because my girls were both blessed with thick beautiful hair. So until they are old enough to do their own hair, they either wear it down or in lopsided, poorly parted braids and piggies.

    FWIW I don’t buy the TP in our house either. Hubby buys it at costco. But I think it is charmin? I don’t know. I’ll have to check.

  • Sara says:

    I cannot buy SPAGHETTI NOODLES to save my life. Well, the noodles for the fam. Mine are easy, the cardboard rice kind. But the Hubs, he is picky about his pasta and has informed me of the “proper” brand many times. And it’s sold at both grocery stores I frequent. And I ALWAYS get the wrong one.

    Also, I cannot shave my legs without cutting myself either. I have been asked if I self injury because of the scars on my legs from the BLADE OF DOOM! And I have been at it for about 14 years now!

  • zelzee says:

    I only buy gold color cars, because you never have to wash them.

    I HATE to wash cars. By the time you get the bucket with soapy water ready, a pile of towels, an old washrag….oh wait, you haven’t turned the water back on yet……go to the basement, find a stool, find the right pipe with the turney handle thingy, turn the handle thingy, go back upstairs and outside……..the flippin’ nozzle leaks, and you end up soaked…..there is no more daylight left…..sigh………

    Buy a gold car.

  • Mrs.LaLa says:

    Charmin & shaving cream and deoderant. I never, EVER remember to buy shaving cream or deoderant – even when that is what I went to the store TO buy. Just sad.

  • Michelle says:

    I always buy Charmin in the big 24 roll pack, and replenish when we get down to 4 rolls left. My husband can go through a roll a day-plus the kids seem to use a ton. I am paranoid we will run out so that is the one thing I always have on hand. That and chili powder. Every time my husband makes chili, he thinks we need more!
    I suck at keeping the house clean. I have various spots in the house that I am anal about, but the big impotant rooms look like an explosion! I also suck at making dinner. For some reason, I just dread the thought of cooking anything, so when hubby is out of town, I rely on the rotisserie chickens from the grocery store!

  • I read this and said to myself “when I go to the store I am NOT going to forget the big.long.list I made” Hmm..let me tell you how that went when I got to Wally-World yesterday and not only forgot my list but forgot half of things we NEEDED and we have to go back TODAY. F. Also, umm your twitter updates, rock my world and crack me up. Fantastic!!

  • mumma boo says:

    I forget something at Tar-jay or the grocery store every damn time I go, even if it’s on the list. I get so distracted (look! something shiny!) that I’ll skip aisles completely, get home, start to make dinner and realize, oh shit, I never got that all important ingredient. On the other hand, I’ve gotten very creative with substitute ingredients. :) Oh, and Angel Soft double rolls. Anything else and it’s chafing time.

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