First, I *knew* I had the Best Internet People reading my blog and your comments yesterday? HIGH-FREAKING-LARIOUS. I seriously want to wrap my hammy arms around each of you for making me giggle.

Second, I’m not here today, not really. I’m posting for my friend Badass over here with an oldie but a goodie. And wow, I mean this is one from the VAULTS.

Third, I have a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another that my friend Chris has a book out. He also has a blog. He also would like some people to review his book–it’s hilarious–if they’d be so inclined. Click over to his blog and shoot him–or me–an email if you’re interested in reading his book. He’s hysterical, you won’t be disappointed.

And lastly, in ass-related news other than my own, I need some help with my son’s poor chapped bleeding butt. The Internet always seems to know best, so let me outline the facts for you:

*He’s 2 and in disposable Pampers

*We’ve tried cutting out dairy to see if that helps with the…um.. consistency of his poo. It doesn’t seem to be helping this OR the rashes.

* He gets these vicious diaper rashes that just look terrible and make him scream his poor head off. They’re cleared up with creams after a couple of days, but there seems to be no rhyme or reason to getting them (his diet isn’t varied enough for this to be dietary if it’s not milk).

*I want to prevent them in the first place because, damn, ouch.

Any ideas?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

56 Responses to Too Sexy For My Blog

  • Badass Geek says:

    Saweet. Thanks for doing the guest post. Hilarious, btw.

  • Kristina says:

    The only thing that ever worked for Caleb’s diaper rash was letting it air out a couple times a day. Scary, I know. Might risk poo flinging or pee on the walls, but worth it. Also was good prevention for us if we let his little butt air out once a day when he was without diaper rash. Good luck!

  • So this is what I have to look forward to within the next couple of years? Bleeding ass rashes and butt frosting? I may need to re-think this whole having a baby thing.

    In other news, I gave you a mini shout-out on my blog today, baby!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    The only thing I know that prevents a rash is either vaseline or sudocream (which also gets rid of them… even the nasty open sore ones).

    Oh, the other way to prevent diaper rash? Potty training.

    (I know… it sounds weird, but it works!)

  • Heather R. says:

    If he’s like all three of my kids try cutting out citric acid. Mine were highly allergic while in diapers and the doctor said it looked more like chemical burns than a rash.

  • Anjali says:

    My friend said the only thing that worked for her daughter was Aquaphor.

  • Susan says:

    Diaper Good can fix it within hours. If you can’t find it at Kroger or USA pharmacies, I can send you some. Also, are you sure it’s not a yeast infection instead of diaper rash?

  • Susan says:

    Actually, that’s supposed to read Diaper Goop. Amazing stuff.

  • Amanda says:

    Before you get a ton of questions on this one immediate thought:

    Have you tried any other type of disposable diaper?
    Are you adverse to putting in a cloth liner for a while to see if the diaper itself is the issue.

    Sorry if this has already been answered.

  • Cathy says:

    Well, other than potty-training him, off-hand I can think of:

    Constantly slathering him with the barrier ointment of your choice. We use A+D. It smells. It also affects the absorbancy of the diaper – i.e. don’t use it overnight.

    Change him immediately after he goes.

    Letting him play naked to air out his butt. Um .. it’s getting warmer, run around outside naked, maybe, this summer?

    Put him on probiotics, and/or teach him to love yogurt. The powedered probiotics are easier around here (with the lack of eating that goes on). That will help prevent yeast-y rashes. It may also help if it’s a bacterial rash.

    If none of that helps, or you’re overprotective, have the rash cultured, make sure it’s not a recurrent infection of some sort, perhaps living in his lower digestive tract.

    (Yes, we’ve had a lot of diaper rashes, why do you ask?)

  • fidget says:

    only thing that got rid of Levi’s bleeding ass rash:

    Ingredients:

    Maalox Cherry (this is an anti-acid)- only use cherry as the mint would obviously not feel good on a rash!!!!

    Caldesene Powder (this is a medicated powder and used as a thickener for the paste) its in a pink container, I got it from walgreens

    Lotrimin AF (this is an anti-fungal)-small to medium sized tube is fine unless making a big batch

    Cortizone 10 Creme (this is the anti itch cream)-small to med sized tube is fine unless making a big batch

    Now to mix:
    Mix the two tubes of cremes together then add some maalox then add the powder…if to thick add a bit
    more maalox. When its a nice creamy consistency put in a air-tight container and refrigerate. The coolness of the creme will feel good on babys skin! Most of the time I was too lazy to walk back and forth to fridge so I just kept the twist n loc container of it on my changing table. use it every single diaper change until a few days AFTER it has cleared up completely

  • reading a book? sign me up.

    we used cloth diapers, and never had diaper rash. you can use flushable liners to help make dealing with the poop thing easier. if you want me to regale you further with how great and easy I think the cloth diapers were, e-mail me (pntdmaypole AT yahoo… you know the rest)

  • Dana says:

    It’s been a while since I had to deal with this (youngest is 13 – entirely different set of problems there) but I found Boudreaux’s Butt Paste® to be the absolute best product. I hear they also have a Baby Butt Bathâ„¢ product now (didn’t have it back in the olden days) that helps keep occurrences of diaper rash to a minimum.

  • fidget says:

    oh yes and switching to 7th generation disposables will help, they are more breathable and have no chlorine to further piss off his skin

    oo and we do probiotics too

  • Kerrie says:

    I’m down with the yogurt thing. Hate the shit…But there’s this MAGICAL ingredient pro-biotic shit. Mine is older now that she can eat the pill (tastes like strawberry she informs me) But fixes her shit in a jiffy – litterally. She’s too the point NOW that if she poops messy at all – She SCREAMS from the bathroom. “Mama…I NEEEEEDD my medicine.” Methinks I’ve made her a bit ‘poop neurotic’.

  • Kyddryn says:

    I’ll head over to your friend’s place in a bit…butt first…heh…

    Air the lad out once in a while, if you can bear for him to be bare.

    Acidic foods cause or exacerbate diaper rash – citrus and pineapple especially. This includes juices. Sucks, huh?

    Also?

    Burt’s Bees diaper cream. We called it “butt frosting” and it was insanely amazing stuff. Yes, that is too proper English! The Evil Genius would get bleeding rashes, horrible raised tracts of skin that looked like he was turning part lizard and were hot to the touch, and one or two applications of butt frosting would clear them up. Truly, sometimes in minutes. I think there’s fairy dust in it.

    I know one should not apply diaper cream to a bleeding rash, but when one’s child is crying so piteously, one doesn’t care about the right way to do things…one cares about one’s precious silence and quality time with one’s adult beverage.

    Anyway, I applied butt frosting on the lad’s nethers until he was mostly potty trained, which wasn’t until he was almost five, so Burt’s Bees owes me their banner income for 2003 – 2008. Where’s my dividend check??

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • deb says:

    Darlin I got nothin.
    My kids had rashes back in the day when we would throw some butt paste on it and move on, so I have no idea what’s even out there for poor ickle ones butts anymore.
    Good luck cause it sounds like pure torture for him.

  • Dre says:

    I second the Burt’s Bees. And unfortunately, constant use. Even when the rash goes away. Every time I have figured his butt was healed and stopped, the damn thing came back. Just sensitive ass syndrome I guess. He’s two and a half, knows how to “go” on the potty and knows when he has to go, but damn if he isn’t too lazy to stop playing and go, even if we ask him repeatedly. He would, in fact, prefer to sit in his own shit and piss (we are on to pull-ups trying to get him to understand that it is not comfortable to sit in your own waste) than to interrupt his busy life. Good luck!

  • Kristine says:

    We use Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

    As far as preventing it, we couldn’t use Pampers because they have a perfume in them, we had to use Huggies (or no name, but I pretty much had one run in with no name and I will never forgive them for that day.) and Landon’s butt was no longer red. So looking into what you’re using on his butt and whether it has perfume in it – while it might not have caused it, it might be an added irritant.

    Could it be a yeast infection?

    Oh and one time my Mom was watching Landon while he was sick and she can’t read and was double dosing him on his antibiotics (it’s a wonder I’m alive) and he ended up with a month of diarrhea and the only thing that really helped was cutting out milk until he was back to normal. But I’m not sure that’s going to work here, unless you are actually dealing with a milk allergy.

  • Miss Grace says:

    How much time can he reasonably spend bare-assed?

    And are they yeast-infection type rashes, or just angry red irritated skin rashes?

  • BB says:

    First, I would try putting Alex on a pro-biotic, and I don’t just mean yogurt. They are very tiny pearl sized pills that can be mixed in to yogurt or applesauce, and they can easily be swallowed. I had my youngest taking them at 9 mos. That should help the digestion along, and keep the consistency softer.

    I would also try a different type of diaper. My kids were very sensative to the dyes used in some disposable diapers. I started to use the Parent’s Choice cheapie diapers from WalMart, because all the brand name diapers were colorful. They actually work better than some of the brand names, and they helped with the skin issues. Cloth diapers are also a fantastic option.

  • a says:

    More bananas and applesauce?

  • Mrs Soup says:

    We use cloth diapers, so I can’t help you on the rash thing. :( Poor guy!!

    And thanks for getting me another blog to be addicted to! I can always count on you! :D <3

  • tash says:

    I’m no help with the #2 issues. Bella used to scream bloody murder with #1 and run a red rash after eating pineapple. So we cut that out.

    I like the air it out suggestion. Roll up the carpets and intro him to the potty. Because I know you have the time and energy to deal with this right now, right?

  • shanna says:

    We do cloth and disposables, babysitter won’t do cloth for me any longer. I use the cheapest disposables I can find, Target, Walgreens, Parent’s Choice from Walmart and have not had any issues. Unless Marj just has an ass of steel, she is alot tougher then my Alex ever was.

    The first couple weeks of her life when we were learning not to wake the dragon and she was sleeping 6 to 8 hours during the night, we let her sleep and didn’t change her and she ended up with some rash issues but we got a prescription cream from the doctor, it is basically an antifungal, yeast infection cream. Works from one diaper change to the next. Miracle cream, I tell you.

    Let me know if you want to give cloth diapers a try. I have a few I could bring you to try out. Give me an excuse to come visit you again.

    I have also used vitamin E oil on her behind after bath and glycerin and water 50/50 mix for between diaper changes. That protects and heals.

  • Melanie says:

    I use baby gold bond powder for minor red in the diaper area that i dont want to see worsen, aquaphor is good but its mostly vaseline so you can just slather him up with that too, its a good barrier. I am a HUGE burts bee fan, except i found the smell of the diaper ointment to not agree with me (but the baby bee buttermilk lotion oh my gosh I LOVE IT)…..

    My sister was actually allergic to her own poo and even pee, it burned her skin, my mom had her potty trained at 10 months old, otherwise her bum was on fire! My daugher is 11 months, and she is pooping on the big potty (with a kiddo seat on it) because 1) I thought I would introduce her to the potty for poop since she is constipated and the position is good 2) maybe it will help get her trained sooner than her brother did (he was 2 1/2) and 3) there is so much less to clean up!! One little swipe on her bum and good to go! She even seems to be catching on, if i think i hear a grunt we head in and as soon as i put her up on the potty she starts grunting in earnest!

  • swirl girl says:

    I’ve got nuthin’ to butt in with this query.
    let him go commando at home ??

  • Abby says:

    Maybe you should take him to a dematologist (you can get a referral from your pediatrician). I thought my daughter had a terrible diaper rash and it turned out to be psoraisis. Never hurts to check.

  • Nancy says:

    How about limiting acidic food, then maybe wheat?

  • zelzee says:

    Poor, poor baby.

    My grandaughter had that ‘raw butt syndorme’, too. What worked was slathering on at each diaper change Desitin and Petroleum Jelly. Baths were in Aveeno.
    It worked pretty good…………….

    Hope he has a clear butt soon…………………..

  • andria says:

    We recently went through this with Elizabeth. We cut back on the fruit (she eats TONS of fruit), especially the oranges and grapes. Seems the more grapes she has the worse her poop is. I also quit buying so much juice because, well, we are just too poor to afford it, and maybe it’s a coincidence, but since she’s been banned to water and milk, not so bad anymore either.

    The Boudreauxs Butt Paste IS good stuff. It’s a little expensive, but worth it. His butt will look better after one diaper change.

  • mumma boo says:

    Hey, when I told you to slobber on your kids’ cheeks on by behalf until they were chapped, I meant the ones on their faces. Yeesh. ;)

    Seriously, we had to switch to Huggies because Cenzo is allergic to Pampers. Also, the Boudreaux or Burts Bees are the best bet if it really is diaper rash. You might want to get it checked for a yeast infection or some other skin ailment. Oh, and we limit Cenzo’s juice intake or else he’s in a world of hurt. We do about 1/3 juice to 2/3 water and that seems to be ok both taste-wise and butt-wise for him. Poor Alex. Give him big hugs from me.

  • Madame Yu See says:

    You should try to get him housebroken during the spring and summer. This works best if you have a linoleum or tile floor, it’s not so easy with carpeting.
    I think either Desitin or A&D ointment work the best on normal butt rashes, but you should have him checked out to see if this is fungal or bacterial.

  • First, Aunt Becky, thank you for the lovely plug about my book and blog. However, since this keeps happening to me, in the future I’m going to need to tell people to please keep my shoutouts at least two paragraph away from references to red and bleeding asses.

    Also, try TRIPLE PASTE. It’s the best one and works better than Butt paste. The downside is that it’s more expensive. But it works better. I will now stop typing the word but. Butt. Okay, one more.

  • GingerB says:

    If your baby is in the hospital and gets a bad rash they use Maalox and open air, little babies go under the warmer. The mix listed by fidget sounds promising but maalox only would be easier – but you ahve to have the open air. Too bad about your carpet.

  • Sorry I can’t help with the rash thing…but I will go check out the other blogs! Good luck with Alex’s ass pains.

  • Kendra says:

    Well, I’ve dealt with way more diaper rashes than I every would have imagined, and here’s what I’ve figured out.

    Desitin is great for some kids and some rashes. When my middle one had a nasty diaper rash a year or so ago, I got the Desitin Creamy (the one that said on the package that it would clear it up overnight), and it did. However, that was my only good experience with Desitin (or the other white zinc oxide creams). The zinc oxide really really irritates my kids’ butts, plus it’s hard to just wipe off, so now I have a kid with a painful butt that is burning from the cream and I can’t get it off. I’ve had day care kids and it works just great for them, but beware; my kids don’t otherwise have sensitive skin, so I’m a little gun shy with that stuff.

    Butt Paste has often worked great. It’s really gentle and seems to work very well on a mild rash; it can be gone in a day. However, it doesn’t seem to do the trick with the more stubborn or severe rashes.

    My current favorite of the ointments is A&D, or the generic equivalent. You can just put a dab in the diaper and then let it melt in, so you don’t have to smear your rough finger on a sore bottom. It doesn’t have anything stinging. Plus it creates a good barrier to prevent the irritation from continuing. Our pediatrician recommended it, and it’s worked very well.

    When my middle one eats too many oranges, I can tell with the diaper; he reacts really strongly to the acid. So that’s a definite dietary possibility, though you say that his diet has varied enough to think it’s not something he’s eating. Is he having constant diarrhea? If so, I would consider either something merely irritating (like acidic food) or possibly an allergy. One other possibility (slight, but I did see it once and it took forever to diagnose) is mold. One day care kid I watched had terrible diarrihea and a bleeding rash for literally months, until her parents put together that the house next door, which had been foreclosed on, had a moldering, moldy dumpster right underneath her bedroom window. As soon as it was moved, everything improved. Probably not too likely, but it was early summer when that happened, and it was so sad that it took so long to figure it out.

    If he’s having stomach/poop issues in addition to the diaper rash, I would try to figure out the souce of that. If it’s just the rash, I would try the A&D with every diaper change until it’s well and truly cleared up (it smells a little, but you get used to it; it’s not unpleasant) and see the dr if it doesn’t improve at all because of the possibility of an additional yeast infection.

    That was really long. Hope it helps. I’m going to go check out the other blogs now!

  • Eva says:

    We use cloth and my kid has horrible rashes all the time. I think it’s a food, maybe citrus, plus stress, sensitive skin, etc. Diaper cream, airing it out, waiting for all the pooping to stop. That’s all I got.

  • Lexi says:

    K, so I didn’t have time to read all the comments so I may or may not be repeating someone…

    Desitin (NOT creamy) is the cream of choice at our house. If nothing else, petroleum jelly works too (keeps pee from touching the rash and making it worse, yet has no color or fragrance, in case he’s sensitive to that).

    If it’s a yeast infection (from the butt, yeah, gross), Lotrimin can clear it up. Yeah, I know it’s for athlete’s foot, but it does the trick.

    If all else fails, try another brand of diaper. Maybe it’s the scent in them.

  • Sally Moon says:

    OY- Kid NEEDS a gluten free diet. Check it out and stay away from the steroids- Happy Mother’s Day!

  • Sarah says:

    I second the triple paste based on two gfs’ super sensitive kids’ butts. I second the baking soda baths and probiotics anyway you can get them (we can’t do dairy, so I sprinkled the powder on stuff they would eat – freaking ANYthing they would eat – and now they just take the capsules) from personal experience, and I suggest INSANE AMOUNTS of plain old generic cornstarch out of the box in the diaper, especially when airing out is not an option – like at night.

    Found out about the cornstarch by accident.. Mom suggested it, I tried it with a “normal quantity”, it didn’t work. Middle of the night, changing diaper, dark, wonky, dumped nearly half the box into the diaper. Ooops. Whatever. Next morning HOLY COW.. the rash was gone. That stuff absorbs ANYTHING the the diaper will not that is even kind of absorbable. Standard baby powder never had the same happy results.

    Obviously, don’t let him breathe it! I wish his sensitive little bitty butt much future happiness.

  • jessiee says:

    this is totally an old wives’ thing, but it worked great for my kids, back in the day (they’re 15 & 13 now) — we stuck ‘em in a baking soda bathtub and let ‘em soak in it. Repeatedly. Worked wonders. No special measurements, just pour it in the warm water and let them play. Can’t hurt them, heals the sore butt, or something. It was great.

  • Janet says:

    Molly got the same thing at around 2 1/2. The only thing that did it was using home made baby wipes. We tried all the creams, etc. It would clear up and the reappear for no reason. She didn’t have a single instance once we switched.

  • Lola says:

    Not a clue on the chapped cheeks, except I always let my kid air out when he had a rash. He ran around naked almost all the time. He learned how to pee in the potty pretty quickly from watching himself water the lawn, and after he took a dump in the driveway right in the front yard, he started crapping in the toilet the next day. I guess he needed to see how things worked.

    Worth a try. He might just end up potty trained.

  • We just went through this this week during a bout with a stomach bug. Sometimes it’s the baby wipes, a lot of them aren’t as gentle as you’d think. We hose the Poose off in the shower after poops. Benadryl cream or hydrocortisone works well the first couple days during the day to take out the inflammation, A&D at night. Baking soda or oatmeal baths are helpful if Alex will sit down in them in his condition (the Poose usually won’t). Resinol is also good stuff, they keep it behind the counter in the pharmacy but it’s not prescription. Do follow up with the doc if you don’t see any improvement with any of these suggestions, Captain Underpants had some kind of wicked yeasty thing when he was a little tyke, and they prescribed some Black-Box Warning Label stuff. Cleared it right up though.

  • baseballmom says:

    Alex just recently had a yeast infection on his butt, and frankly, it was because he likes to go commando and doesn’t wipe so well, but anyway, the only thing that worked was trying generic vaginal yeast cream WITH A&D, and finally, after a week or so, I tried feeding him yogurt? It was gone in a day. I also heard acidophilus milk does the same thing if he doesn’t like yogurt. Good luck!

  • angel says:

    Potty train him, he two now. Well I wait till he two and four months. Still he old enough now.

  • Michelle says:

    Looks like you have a ton of responses already (which I haven’t had time to actually read) . I am a pediatrician though so send me an email if you are interested in hearing more suggestions!

  • Potty Mouth Mommy says:

    so glad you decided to guest-post… i’m drunk off my ass pretending that mother’s day doesn’t exist- and it made me laugh my ass off…( if only literally!!!)

    no idea what to do about the diaper rash, with the exception of letting him run commando… sorry!!! :S

  • Meghan says:

    I’m with the get him out of pampers idea…they have perfumes in them. You can try flour to put on his bottom to help treat the rash..I can send you the recipe of how to make it if you are intersted..I have used it on ALL my kids. (Learned it from the hutterites (sp??) here in AB they are awsome!! when it comes to clearing up wierd ailments…heck they have lots of recipes that I have tried for ailments.)

    Try also the OTC test for gluten and…what the heck is it??? breads and wheat and crap, you can get them at the pharmacy and see if he has a sensitivity to anything.. You can try having an IgE done on him to specifically see what he is reacting to if you think it is allergy related but since he’s 2 that’s kinda invasive.

    That’s it I’m out of ideas, other than letting him go commando and letting the dog trail after him or you chase him with a pail, I’m out of brainy ideas. If I think of any more I’ll post ‘em to you….good luck chicky;)

  • Coco says:

    This is what I used when Bean got rotavirus. Try a little Clotrimazole (just the plain store brand stuff is fine) – it’s usually where the athlete’s foot stuff is – mixed with California Baby diaper rash cream. Target carries California Baby now and it’s expensive, but trust me, it works. You can also use the California Baby Calendula Cream on his butt. If you can’t find that, e-mail me and I’ll send you some. I swear by California Baby.

    Also, Bean always hated Pampers – he got red irritated skin any time I tried to sneak them in if they were on sale. We normally used Huggies and we only rarely got rashes.

  • Jenn says:

    Boo had that problem for awhile, getting rashes all the time for no apparent reason. Eventually we just started using Desitin ALL the time, every diaper change. That kept the rash demon at bay.

  • Lynanne says:

    Without reading all 52 gazillion comments, I’ll dare to suggests something that has already been mentioned….

    How about a pat down, blow job and lube with every diaper change?

    Ahem…perhaps I better explain.

    Back in my hospital/peds days, one of the nurses came up with that not-so-medical description of the following routine: Give the diaper area a quick pat down with plain water on a soft rag (cloth diapers work great for this). Then, dry the area completely with a hair dryer set to warm (not hot) and finish off with a generous coating of either A&D ointment or Desitin.

    Good luck!

  • charmedgirl says:

    i didn’t read all the other comments re: ass rash, but i had HORRIBLE problems with ass rashes (times three) and created my own formula of ass cream because we were too poor to afford the good stuff (times six ass cheeks). it turned out to be WAY better than the $$ one.

    i used this cream until they were out of diapers at 3–3.5.

    email me if you want the recipe.

  • Not-so-Big's Other Half says:

    Hope you’ve resolved you’re issue already, but here’s my $0.02 just in case:

    Switch diapers–k developed an allergy to Huggies at one year, but had no trouble with Pampers. I’ve heard that it can go the other way for some.

    Use Aquaphor as a barrier.

    No apple juice or orange juice. Try very limited quantities of diluted white grape juice (4 oz. juice per day). Offer water instead.

  • Erica says:

    Because you needed one.more.suggestion… and because I’m terribly late to this since I just discovered your amazing blog I must add my .02.

    A friend of mine swears by her grandma’s secret recipe of burnt flour. She puts some plain old regular flour in a pan and just cooks it until it’s brown. She keeps it in a container and sprinkles in on like talc when needed. Clears up the chapped ass in no time when ever her kids have one.

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