Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

To Love, Honor, and Spray With 1600 PSI.


(The Daver was cunning in his ruthless choice of wedding dates. While my birthday falls smack dab in the middle of nothing (but IS, my French Friends, the day AFTER Bastille Day), Dave’s birthday is the kickoff of Dave’s Days. With the notable exception of the 9th, it’s a three-day Lovestock with my husband as the central star. Can you blame him?)

When I was a kid, I never imagined myself as a bride. Always one for sparkles, diamonds, flowing rivers of pink taffeta, as an adult, this shocks me that I didn’t have–or petition for–a mini-bridal dress. Although, now that I’m thinking about it, my mother may have banned that as she banned Barbies and guns*.

My parents are still happily married (or gently resigned to each other) so I wasn’t jaded by the stress of divorce, marriage and Being A Bride wasn’t on my radar. Being a ninja was, but not a bride.

After Ben was born, although I’d been briefly engaged to his father, I still never thought that I would get married. I figured that I was slotted walk the world as a single mother, and while I frequently wondered where I was going to get the male perspective to teach my son how to Be A Dude, finding a husband wasn’t something I thought I would do.

Until I met The Daver.

You know that annoying thing that married people say to single people where they’re all, “I knew it when I found him?” It’s bloody irritating to hear when you’re single because not only is it entirely cliched, it’s self-serving and obnoxious (hey, kind of like me!).

I knew it when I found him. Dave was The One. Like it or not, we were going to be together for a long, long, unbearably long time. Some day, I will write up Our Story, and The Internet can barf at it, because I totally would.

6 years we’ve been together, 4 of them married. It feels like 60.

I look back at pictures of when we were first married, before Alex was born and nearly destroyed me. Before Amelia was here. And we look so young. Happy and young.

It’s been a hell of a couple of years and I’m not sure I’m saying that with a smile or just as fact: it’s been a hell of a couple years. But somehow in the chaos and the uncertainty, in all of that, we’re still here and we’re still happy. Not as young as we were, but happy.

For our forth anniversary of wedded bliss, I got a power washer. And an orchid. I know this because I bought them myself. Because after 4 years, I’ve learned my lesson. I’d buy myself a card if that wasn’t just kind of weird and pointless. I mean, would I sign it myself, too?

(answer: probably)

I used to think that the measure of a good relationship would be wanting to be a better person because of that person. I don’t believe that anymore. Now, I know that the measure of a good relationship is being a better person because of it. And I am.

The Daver, he makes me a better person.

We’re like Bert and Ernie. Cheese and Macaroni. Peanut Butter and Jelly. Mr. Wilson and Dennis the Menace (I will let you GUESS who I am).

Happy 4th, The Daver.

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

–ee cummings, “somewhere i have never traveled”

First Dance

(anyone else humming “Jungle Fever” now?)

*I am not kidding.


Be sure to cast your vote for your favorite entry in “Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.”

80 Comments to

“To Love, Honor, and Spray With 1600 PSI.”

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  3. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:37 am Katy Says:

    like i said before, i’ll be the one to ruin the love parade, and as prophesied, (as the self-chosen emissary of the internet) i say vom.
    buuuuut, i’m saying that as i sit here with my cat. alone. fuck, now i can’t really do the rest of this comment without sounding sarcastic and bitter. eh.
    but, congratulations. i can only hope i can find someone who will be able to put up with me (and vice versa) as you and the daver have found in one another. if he made you a better person, i can only imagine how bad you were before him.
    also, did you know that your 3rd anniversary is leather? my senior english teacher told us that, and you know high school seniors. we immediately thought about dirty things. i think you can apply that to the majority of themed anniversary gifts. the 4th is appliances, nylon, linen, silk scarves, and flowers. the kinky possibilities are endless. but appliances sounds really heavy duty, so it sounds like an emergency room visit would be needed.
    or you could get the power washer and orchids. whatever.

  4. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:50 am Totally deranged Says:

    Aw Becks! I have gone all gooey reading that. After 10 years of equating men with nothing but dirty socks and a filthy kitchen I thought I was over all that too. Go Daver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. On September 10th, 2009 at 1:09 am Venti Vixen Says:

    Awe, happy anniversary, girl! Enjoy!

  6. On September 10th, 2009 at 3:33 am Nina Says:

    Awww, that made me all teary eyed to read.

    Happy anniversary and wishing you many more of the same.

  7. On September 10th, 2009 at 4:10 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Happy anniversary!

    Girl, that is SOME tan. I am going to assume that you got it via the traditional method, you know, sunlight. Considering that I have never been darker than the color of your dress, I marvel at this.

  8. On September 10th, 2009 at 5:41 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Happy Anniversary!

    I asked my wife to marry me less than two months after we started dating; she didn’t think I was serious and made me wait another 2 years before proposing with a ring and everything.

  9. On September 10th, 2009 at 4:53 am Sherry Says:

    After tearing up reading Daver’s birthday post – which is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read – I didn’t think there would be any danger of getting all gooey again real soon. OK, so I was wrong. That’s fine. Every now and again I need to be reminded there are people who love each other in the world and maybe the whole thing isn’t going to hell after all. Congratulations on your anniversary and I wish you many, many years of happiness.

    Oh, and I banned guns and Barbies in my house too!

  10. On September 10th, 2009 at 4:55 am Kristin Says:

    Happy Anniversary Becks and Daver! May your future bring many happy and interesting (but not too interesting) years.

  11. On September 10th, 2009 at 5:02 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Well, I wasn’t humming it till you said that. Damn, now it’s gonna be in my head all day.

    Happy anniversary, you crazy kids, and many more.

  12. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:12 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Yep. When Mr. Moon cast his eyes on me I also resigned myself to the fact that we would be married. And what an adventure it’s been- 26 years together, just about 25 married.
    I hope yours and the Daver’s marriage continues to sustain and delight you both. Happy anniversary!

  13. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:27 am IB Says:

    Hey it’s our anniversary this month too. Aint love grand?

    Congratulations and here’s to you having many more happy anniversaries!


  14. On September 10th, 2009 at 5:39 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Happy Anniversary!

  15. On September 10th, 2009 at 5:55 am mumma boo Says:

    Happy Anniversary!

    Is “power washer” a euphemism for something you review on the other blog? 😉

  16. On September 10th, 2009 at 7:21 am Kelly Says:

    Happy Anniversary!! I hope it is a great one for you guys!

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  18. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:44 am Sam Says:

    Happy Anniversary! And for whatever reason I didn’t get Jungle Fever, just Jungle Boogie, which then led me to have Pulp Fiction flashbacks. That IS a tasty burger…. Just a quick shot of the thought train, if you can call it that. You kick ass Aunt Becky, so have a drink on me – or two – for your special day.

  19. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:55 am Jenn Says:

    Erm… I’ve sort of banned Barbies and guns. Well, not really. I don’t buy them but I don’t recoil in shock if someone else does.

    Happy Anniversary!

    I remember thinking it was annoying when people would say that “you just know” bit too. But, like you, it’s the way I really did feel when I met Kent.

  20. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:58 am Inna Says:

    Happy Anniversary!!!! Here’s to many many more!

    I also like buying my own gifts. 🙂

  21. On September 10th, 2009 at 7:00 am Mwa Says:

    Aaaaah, so cute!

  22. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:01 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    Oh, he looks totally do-able.

  23. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:15 am Badass Geek Says:

    A power washer? That’s romantic.

  24. On September 10th, 2009 at 7:18 am honeywine Says:

    Happy Anniversary! 🙂 Peanut butter & jelly, eh? Guess that makes ya’ll Goobers! 😀

  25. On September 10th, 2009 at 7:45 am sharon Says:

    girl, u know i’m always humming jungle fever over here! ~lol~
    love the pic – so darn sweet!!!
    happy anniversary! ♥

  26. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:52 am ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Happy Anniversary, my friend. I wish you and The Daver many many more years of happiness!

  27. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:08 am injaynesworld Says:

    Congratulations. What a beautiful picture. You are both very lucky to have found each other in this difficult world.

  28. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:10 am amy d Says:

    I totally love that baby Ben is in the background of that pic!

    You look gorgeous! Happy Anniversary!

  29. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:12 am Belle Says:

    Barf vomit bleeeeeh. Totally kidding. That’s awesome. Happy anniversary!!

  30. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:15 am fidget Says:

    Happy anniversary and all of that shit.
    I’d have something more profound to say if I wasnt also dealing with Levi’s extreme jealousy over Bo’s possession of an electric tooth brush.

  31. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:26 am abandoning eden Says:

    Happy anniversary!

    I also just ‘knew’ when i met my husband…by 2 weeks after we met we were basically living together (I would go straight to his place after work and stop by my apartment for an hour in the morning to change and feed my kitties).

  32. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:29 am Melissa Says:

    Though it was a bit sappy, I loved this post. Probably because I feel very much the same about my wife. With her I am a better person. I just am, I can’t quite describe it, but I loved what you wrote.

    Side note, a couple we are friends with, the husband’s name is Dave and I so want to call him the Daver, but I hate to be a copy cat.

    Looking forward to tomorrow’s post. I absolutely love that you write every day.

  33. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am marymac Says:

    Very, very sweet!
    My husband and I have been together since high school (embarrassing 80s prom pictures and all!) and you have inspired me to one day write a nice post about him. Like next June, when it will be 25 years we’ve been together. A quarter of a century should be worthy of post, perhaps? But he did give me an electric hedge trimmer for Christmas one year, which may mean I can wait til the 50th.
    rock on, sistah. 😉

  34. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:34 am leanne Says:

    Happy Anniversary, Becky!

    (my anniversary is the day before my birthday. Yes, I did it to myself, on purpose. It made me happy 🙂 Of course, now my son’s birthday is two days after mine.)

    (oh, and I swore when I was younger that I was never going to get married OR have kids.)

  35. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:34 am Suzy Voices Says:

    Oh, Happy Anniversary!!

    And you’re right. When you meet THE ONE, you know. I basically stalked my husband until he married me, telling him the same thing.

  36. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:37 am Lea Says:

    Congrats! Wishing you and The Daver many more (hopefully stress free?) years!

  37. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:46 am maggie, dammit Says:

    Happy anniversary!

  38. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:49 am rita Says:

    My birthday is also the day after Bastille Day. By an odd quirk of fate, we just happened to be in Paris at that time three years ago.

    We got married on Thanksgiving four years ago. Instead of celebrating on the actual date, we just say it’s on Thanksgiving and go with that. So much easier than remembering the exact date.

    And. Yeah. On that knowing that you’re going to marry the guy? That’s how I felt the day he (#1, not the current one) asked me on our first date. There was this awful cannonball-to-the-stomach feeling, and not in a good way. I left the bastard 18 years later.

  39. On September 10th, 2009 at 9:05 am TeDiouS Says:

    I hope your anniversary is a special one, Aunt Becky.

    I had the same feeling about my fiance when we met online. There was an instant connection, a certainty that this person was going to be in my life for a very very long time to come. Within weeks we were determined to be together, despite the fact we lived three thousand miles and an ocean apart.

    My visa application to move to his country went in last week, and we plan a wedding for february. I hope in 2014 I will be writing about our fourth anniversary on my blog, gushing about how we were made for each other. Because we were.

  40. On September 10th, 2009 at 9:22 am Vinomom Says:

    So what do you get this year? A steam cleaner? I just love my Steam Mop – it’s the best 🙂

    You look beautiful in that picture! Happy Anniversary.

  41. On September 10th, 2009 at 9:38 am cara Says:

    Happy Anniversary!

    Have a few drinky-drinks on my tonight. Remember to keep the volume down as you “celebrate” or you’ll wake the baby!

  42. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:00 am Jill Says:

    Happy Anniversary! You’re getting awfully mushy all up in these parts lately. Don’t get me wrong, I like it… but i’m looking forward to you bringing snarky back. 🙂

  43. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:08 am Jeni Says:

    Happy Anniversary!

    There is definite truth in that you just know when you meet that someone…

  44. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:09 am Didactic Pirate Says:

    I’m torn between Vomitrocious and Awww…….. but I’m pretty sure Awwwww is going to win. Marriage is something different every day, for better or for worse. But hopefully, at the end of each of those days you can still look over at your spouse and say, “Yea. You’re it.”

    Nicely done, Aunt Becky. Buckle up for another year. You made me start composing my 10-year anniversary letter to my wife four months early.

  45. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:30 am Soxy Deb Says:

    Awwww, that was teetering between sappy and well, not sappy.

    Happy 4th y’all!! Congrats to you both!

  46. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:43 am Mrs Soup Says:

    2005 was a good year to get married.

    Congratulations to you both! So wonderful.

  47. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:49 am Leigh Ann Says:

    A few questions for ya?

    1. Are you realy that tan? you almost look mexican(i can say that because I married one and my kids are half and just a tan. makes me sick in the summer, I burn)

    2. how long was/is your hair? That looks like a lot of hair on top of your head.


  48. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:57 am Rebecca Says:

    Like always, a beautiful post. You have an amazing talent to do it all and from the looks of the photo you’re pretty too. That just makes me even more jealous. Sure wish I could be talented, pretty, cool, fun, etc….I’m sure you were voted Most Friendly in high school too, right?

  49. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:03 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    Happy anniversary to you both! I’ve gotten a new vacuum before and I wasn’t even pissed off about it! Oh and a set of pans. I was ecstatic! Sad, but so true. Hope you two little love birds had awesome sex!

  50. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:04 am COURTENAY Says:

    Heh. A sentimental Aunt Becky post AND picture, just dripping with ooey gooey lovey dovey??
    You really DO love The Daver!

  51. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:05 am Kori Says:

    Odd, it is Steve and I’s fourth today too. Even though we aren’t married and don’t have plans to EVER be, it still counts. Congratulations! And I get that; I AM a better person, and I think he is too. Which is a given, because with me by his side, how could he NOT be? 🙂

  52. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:07 am Heather Says:

    I think it’s awesome that you have found someone who suits you so well. You deserve it. That whole “winning at life” thing…

  53. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:08 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    That picture is so sweet. You’re just full of mushiness lately, aren’t you? LOL. I would love to read how you guys met. In fact, my 100th post is coming up and I was thinking I might write up how WE met for it. I’m not sure yet. I feel like I’ve OD’d on the Brent-talk lately. It would most certainly be vomit-inducing.

    Anyway, Happy 4th Anniversary! (You guys make me happy.)

  54. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:51 am Fawn - Like A Deer Says:

    Awwwwwwww……… congrats, Becky and Daver. You guys have just reminded me why I have refused to settle for less than “the thing.” – it actually does exist, and you are living proof. Much love to you both 🙂

  55. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:08 pm Wineplz Says:

    Happy Anniversary! Is that light pink trim on your dress? It’s gorgeous!

    and I’m with Leigh Ann…what exactly did you have as centerpieces at your reception? If it’s not Elephant Man, then maybe it’s Floam? Or Great Stuff?

  56. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm daisybv2 Says:

    Happy Anniversary! to Aunt Becky and the Daver! So Happy for you both many many more years of happiness….

    I love the picture! You guys are oh so CUTE but did you see little Ben in the back round the look on his face! It is priceless!

  57. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Barbara Says:

    Happy Anniversary you love birds!
    Speaking from experience, 26 years of marriage experience, don’t ever expect anything on your Anniversary. Some guys just are not the gift giving type. They kind of panic when they have to buy a gift. So if you want somethng, you do this…”Hey…I was thinking that for our Anniversary next week, we should just get a sitter and go out to dinner. Just the two of us. And don’t feel like you have to get me flowers or a gift. A card would be nice. Or maybe something for the yard, like a rose bush. I love roses for the yard.” It works. You have put the bug in his ear that way he has an “idea” of what you would like. My hubby is actually pretty good about gifts, but there have been years where there was no b-day or anniversary card. So sad. But I love the guy…..

  58. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:32 pm Barbara Says:

    as for the thing in the bottom right corner of the pic…looks like a cow fountain.

  59. On September 10th, 2009 at 12:57 pm Lori in Denver Says:

    Way to cherish for 4 years. Congrats to you both!

  60. On September 10th, 2009 at 1:50 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Awww. Thanks for waking up the smooshy emotions this week Aunt Beck. I’m sure next week you’ll hit us back with the sarcasm-filled hilarity. That’s why we love you and the blog, it’s such a nice roller coaster for us stalkers, erm, readers. (You even got the fear in there when you told the birth story- high five!) Couple of good points here: When you are with the right person, you do just know. It clicks into place and you think, “okay, well the rest of you people are on your own now, I’m all set.” As for gifts? My birthday was Tuesday, same as the Daver. To avoid the usual question the night before any gift-giving event (what do you want for b-day/christmas/anniv.?) that makes me want to slug lovely husband in the eyeball, this year I just said to him “Honey, want to see what you’re getting me? I’ll let you pick the color.” Wanna know what it is? A necklace made to keep your breastfeeding infant entertained enough to stop ripping your nipples off every time an ant farts in China, or someone speaks, or the cat walks by, etc. Yeah. It’s like that. I know, you’re jealous. You can’t have him, he’s all mine!

  61. On September 10th, 2009 at 2:48 pm Nel Says:

    I love that you buy your own gifts! My husband and I do that also. If we didn’t, I would have 1000 gift certificates….because that is all he knows how to buy. Which is ok, but gets lame after a while.

    Congrats on 4 years! Pat yourself on the back, because no matter how great your husband is, marriage is work!

    Go you!

  62. On September 10th, 2009 at 2:54 pm Julia Says:


    Very happy etc to you and the The.

  63. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:21 pm The Mom(aka Amy) Says:

    A power washer. Dammit I am jealous. I could really use one of those.

  64. On September 10th, 2009 at 6:22 pm Krissa Says:

    I had something amazing and appropriate to say after reading all the heartfelt lovey-dovey things you said about marriage, but that tan just left me tongue tied, and feeling inadequate.
    Happy anniversary!

  65. On September 10th, 2009 at 8:15 pm gorillabuns Says:

    Happy Anniversary even if i do have to say, i’m quite surprised I/we made it 9 years. nevermind the fact we dated, OFF AND ON for 9 years prior because seriously, we needed breaks. a.k.a. sex with other people. yep, i said it.

    may you never need to have sex with anothe. yep, you can block me know if you wanna.:)

  66. On September 10th, 2009 at 9:45 pm Rachel Says:

    Hey, I’m about to celebrate my 4th with Andrew! I have yet to buy myself my own present for our anniversary, but you should know that for our first anniversary, Andrew bought, addressed, signed, and sealed a card from me to him, because he knew I would forget. And you know what? It said exactly what I would have written.

    Many congrats, and best wishes for many happy years together.

  67. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:38 pm Lippy Says:

    Congratulations! Being married to the right person really makes all the difference when life throws the shit at you. Not only did I “know” when I met Bud, my mom knew. She told me neither of us was close to perfect but together we just make sense. We don’t buy our own gifts, we just count some purchase in the last month as our gift (wii, new tv, a nice roast, whatever)

  68. On September 10th, 2009 at 10:38 pm GingerB Says:

    Who is the grandma type smoking a bowl in that picture??

    Well done, you crazy kids.

  69. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:09 pm HeatherB Says:

    I know the feeling. I met my husband six years ago today. There have definitely been ups and downs, but it is great to have that special someone who helps bring out all those good qualities your mother always told you you had, deep, deep down somewhere.

  70. On September 10th, 2009 at 11:49 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    {{snorfle, sniff}}


  71. On September 11th, 2009 at 10:54 am Katie Says:

    Happy Anniversary!!!

  72. On September 11th, 2009 at 11:33 am Amy Says:

    aww! Becky! what Beautiful photo! You both look so in love and so happy.

    We were having “A Moment.” They don’t, thankfully, happen often.

  73. On September 11th, 2009 at 12:11 pm TxtingMrDarcy Says:

    Happy Anniversary, Aunt Becky and The Daver!

    Another thing that Daver guaranteed with his multiple-day lovefest is that Aunt Becky would write multiple adorable entries that make her blog followers cry in their cubicles upon reading them.

    Or maybe that’s just me. But the picture totally did it. And I didn’t feel like vomiting once. Just smiling like an ass. And hopeful in a sappy kinda way.

    I am SO RELIEVED that you didn’t want to puke. Because I kind of did. Sort of. Because I am NOT gushy. Mostly.


  74. On September 11th, 2009 at 7:47 pm txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Happy Anniversary, Aunt Becky and The Daver!

    Along with Dave’s Days, Daver has also guaranteed that Aunt Becky will write consecutive adorable entries about him that make everyone else a little misty eyed.

    No seriously. I was good until you threw in the picture. And talked about just “knowing” that he was the one. I didn’t even *vom* in my mouth at all. Just got smiley and hopeful.

  75. On September 11th, 2009 at 7:49 pm txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Oh CRAP. So I thought my work firewall didn’t LET me post that comment. and i made the effort to come back and try to recreate it without LOOKING and reading the LAST comment…

    and now i polluted your wall with comment diarrhea.

    epic fail.

  76. On September 12th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Kendra Says:

    Happy anniversary! We celbrated our seventh earlier this month, and I can’t believe seven years went by that fast. I love the poem at the end of the post; we had an e.e. cummings poem read at our ceremony, and I had a line from it, “kisses are a better fate than wisdom,” engraved in my husband’s ring.

  77. On September 13th, 2009 at 2:04 pm Alicia Says:

    Aww, purdy.

    I’m late, but I’m genuine: Happy anniversary, Aunt Becky and The Daver!!

  78. On September 13th, 2009 at 5:05 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    awww…. happy anniversary.

  79. On September 14th, 2009 at 11:10 am Kristine Says:

    Happy anniversary!

    We can’t remember when ours is – “is it the 3rd or the 4th?” – we say every year.

    My mom also banned guns, but I thought it was because we were girls and girls and hormones and guns are not a good mix.

    (I had forgotten entirely about our anniversary. Daver had to put it on the calendar this year. Whoops)

  80. On December 31st, 2010 at 12:21 pm Jennifer Simson Says:

    My mom banned guns, but Barbies was difficult due to the overwhelming amount of estrogen in our house. My parents even banned us playing with other that played with toy guns. Aaahhh, bleeding heart liberals at their best!!

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