368: times people have searched for “John C. Mayer” and found my blog.

3: page number on Google for my blog when you search for “john c mayer.”

4: page number on Google for Urban Dictionary entry “Pulling a John C. Mayer” when you search for “john c. mayer.”

0: Times I made it to #1 for Google Search “John C. Mayer.”

Too Many To Count: Times I was pleased by my Pranksters ability to get to #1 by pulling a John C. Mayer.

1: Conference I was supposed to fly to Assville, North Carolina for (Type A Mom) this week.

0: Conferences I am actually attending this week.

45: times I’d planned to gorge on Chick-Fil-A while in the South as we Northerners do not have this tasty and delicious treat.

Too Many To Count: Calories I am saving by not eating Chick Fil A.

1: Dates I settled upon for Vegas to make up for my decided lack of travel this week.

11: weekend of December that I am inviting you, my Pranksters, to Vegas to celebrate my fake birthday.

0: Times I have been to Vegas

Infinity: Times I will beg you to come with me to Vegas so that I may get suitably wasted in front of an entire cadre of people who can then document my dumbass-ness on The Internet.

43: Times I will sing ‘Vivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Viagra‘ while in Vegas with you until you tell me to shut my whore mouth.

172: Posts published so far on Band Back Together. In a week and a half. (there are many in the editing queue)

55: Posts published so far on Mushroom Printing. In two months. (there are many in the editing queue)

1,105: Posts published on Mommy Wants Vodka….in 6 years.

1: times this week Amelia has taken off her diaper and finger-painted her entire body with poo.

1: new word she learned from the experience: “EWWWWWWW.”

98: times I’ve wondered if my 9-year old is a teenager already.

98: times my 9-year old has stomped around the house when I’ve dared to ask such things as, “have you had a bath yet?”

0: naps Alex has had this week.

5: naps Alex had last week at this time.

87.3: extra pots of coffee I have had since Alex has stopped napping.

98,766: times I have considered changing my name and moving to another state.

1: times I’ve been called a prude. Ever.

6,483,986: times I’ve laughed about being called a prude.

1: times I’ve been told I should “kill myself.”

4,827,474: times I’ve laughed about that, too.

1: post I will write tomorrow about driving traffic to your site to save my fingers from typing it in an email ever again. Won’t SOMEONE think of my poor, poor fingers!?!

Too Many To Count: times I will feel douchy blogging about blogging.

0: times I have said, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!!”

0: times I have wanted to crochet a platitude on a pillow.

0: times I have wanted to crochet, period.

0: times I have found a platitude helpful.

81, 768,330, 912, 875, 031: times I have wanted to punch someone who uses platitudes squarely in the taco.

1: Full Moon last night. PHEW.

1: ridiculously huge gift card that I’d won that I’m going to give away next week in some sort of John C. Mayer style prank.


How’s your week, Pranksters?

98 thoughts on “If It Hadn’t Been A Full Moon, I Would Have Sued This Week For Sucking So Badly

  1. Ok, a couple things:

    I’m in Pennsylvania, we have Chick-Fil-A… in fact I’m going to have it for lunch in a few minutes.

    Ummm… crocheting is fun and very relaxing. Everyone should want to crochet. But not platitudes. Like baby blankets and shit.


  2. 1: times I’ve looked up the word platitude this week
    0: times I’ve wanted to punch someone in the taco – tacos are my (sometimes smelly) friend.
    Too Many To Count: Calories I will be consuming by stopping at Chick Fil A on the way home.
    3,402,471: times I will say y’all and lookee here today because I just learned I live in the south.
    3.14159265: pi
    Way too much: time I spent on this comment.

  3. Sad to say, I’ve never had chick-fil-a. Also, crochet is relaxing, like when you’re watching shitty reality tv and feel like you need to do SOMETHING worthwhile with your life!

    Oh, and I’m down for Vegas. Really. I’ve never been and methinks it needs to happen this year!

  4. okay, chick-fil-a is good. i won’t lie. i love their shakes. and fries. yummmm..

    HOWEVER. i’m originally from new york. and NO AMOUNT of chick-fil-a makes up for not having decent pizza, chinese food, or greek food.

    i mean, it’s good. but have you actually HAD real pizza? or a gyro? you’d agree with me if you had.

    restaurants down here in florida serve ‘gyros’. it’s a fucking pita with SLICED STEAK on it. and cucumbers, sour cream, onions, tomato, and lettuce. do you know what that is?


    fucking south. i also hate the heat. it’s 92 degrees today. and fall. damn it.

    1. I hate Florida with all of my being. Stupidly, I chose to live in Whorelando for a couple of years after college.

      New York has the best food. Period.

      I’m kind of an expert on the gyro. If the meat is not expertly shaved off of a spindle and prepared by a Greek, scram. At Ohio State and Akron, we hit the gyro carts after the bars closed. Good timesโ€ฆ

      Also, it’s 93ยฐF damn degrees here in Cincinnati.

      1. whorelando. i like that. i’m in that general area, very close to the happiest place on earth.

        which i love, and everything. but still. bad decision.

        i will eat a gyro prepared by a non-greek, but if that huge hunk of meat (50% beef, 50% lamb, please) has not been spinning under a heat lamp for days, then i don’t want it.

        best souvlaki comes from carts in queens. astoria, to be exact. my dad actually convinced one of the guys to give up his supplier, since they can’t sell it from the carts raw. i used to make him buy it all the time.

        now i’m hungry. damn it. AND UNABLE TO GET GOOD GREEK FOOD. *cries*

  5. My hubby loves platitudes alot (and mayo).
    I jest.
    Oh and once you get over feeling douchy about blogging about blogging we will patiently await your post on how to create an awesome watermark. Thanks Aunt B, have a COCKtail for me in Vegas!

  6. my week has been weird. *sigh*

    I would lurve to go to Vegas but think I’ll be in Mexico (pronounced Mehico). BUT, I have tons of family there, practically grew up in Vegas. so when you run out of money and end up in jail for trying to get quarters from a hooker (no clue why that would be illegal, but go with it), call me. I’ll call my cousin Darby and have him bail you out.

  7. Chick-Fil-A sounds yummy this fine day. I think I will saunter three blocks and get a classic chicken sandwich, their most delicious coleslaw and a fresh-squeezed lemonade in downtown Cincinnati. It’s what John C. Mayer would want me to do even though I still don’t know who the fuck he is.

    1. Okay. I did not follow through on my Chick-Fil-A plan. John C. Mayer is probably furious with me. I opted for the delicious client meeting leftovers: 1/2 ham & swiss sandwich on marble rye, 1/2 chicken salad (I think) sandwich on a croissant and some mystery salad.

  8. You have planted the Vegas seed in some pretty darn fertile soil. Like I am spending WAY too much time thinking about nice ways to say to my (usually) significant other that I deserve a mini vaca and you don’t. All suggestions will be considered.

    1. We’ve got one in the dead mall here in Cedar Rapids. Oh how tasty it is. Pretty much the only reason I go to that mall. That, and to renew my license plates.


  9. Damn it, Becky, now I want Chick-Fil-a on top of the Mountain Dew I’m drinking that I shouldn’t be right now. In case you didn’t know, you’re a terrible influence.

    Also, I now want to go back to Vegas. I went for the first time in September, and it was suuuuper fun. But fuckin’-A the food was expensive.

    1. Really? When I lived there it was cheaper to eat at the casinos than it was to cook at home. For real.

      Buffet’s, GOOD ones. Where did you eat?

      1. We mostly stayed inside the hotel (The Mandalay Bay), though we dropped into some of the others as well. We ate at most of the places there by the time we left. Despite my complaining… the food *was* great ๐Ÿ˜€

  10. You know if you contact Eli Lilly and Company, they just might be willing to cover the expenses on your Vegas trip if you do some P.R. for my 36 hour theory.

  11. I wrote a douchey post about my bloggy angst last night and have been itching to write something to cover it up ever since. Unfortunately, I am blocked.

    However, I will gladly eat some CHick Fil A for dinner for you…nomnomnomnom

    You don’t have to go all the way to georgia to get someโ€”just central Indiana.

  12. Some interesting numbers there. I will add to your laugh count about being a prude. You big prude.

    I, also, was to attend the Type A conference with my best friend this weekend, however, we got our tickets late and there wasn’t time to book (read pay for) a hotel. Oh well. I would love to celebrate your “birthday” (winkwink) in Vegas. Remind me later so I can forget again.

  13. Dude, pack the children in the minivan, get on the open road and go to the Fox Valley Mall. There’s a Chik-Fil-A there. Or come visit me – there’s one in the mall here.

  14. Someone called you a prude? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

    I just have to say Asheville, NC (a.k.a. Ashevegas) is the best southern town. Ever. You will be missed!

  15. I think I need to learn to crochet, or embroider, or both, or something, so I can make you a “Shut Your Whore Mouth” pillow.

    Or maybe I’ll pay some nice little old lady to make it for me.

    Me thinks you need this for Christmas. Or for your other fake birthday.

  16. I had lunch at Chik Fil A today. It’s the only place in town that has those kiddie hamster tubes and fortunately in an enclosed area so you can eat in peace while the demons chase each other around in tubes while you watch from the other side of a plate glass window.

    I like to crochet.It requires less sticks than knitting and I get to call myself a hooker with a straight face.

  17. Wait. You’re NOT going to Type A Mom?????


    I know, you’re thinking who the hell are you, you crazy stalker? But, really, I’m not too crazy. Will be in Asheville. And I eat Chick-fil-a waaaaay too much. Though, I only really crave it on Sundays. When they aren’t open. Every single week that happens.

  18. See, I like to cross-stitch platitudes. But mine are the kind that say things like, “Bite me” or “Suck it” or “Bitch, Please”. You know, the actual helpful kind of platitudes.

  19. I would love to needlepoint a platitude on pillow if only because then I would have a bad ass and slightly creepy pillow with needlepoint wisdom on it. And that would make me Queen of everything. FACT.

  20. I think you mean cross stitch or needlepoint because you would have to make a huge frakking pillow to crochet a platitude onto it. Crocheting is a fuckload cheaper than therapy…tres relaxing.

    And, do you ever check your text messages, just sayin….

  21. How’s my week? I just wrote the following in an email to my family:

    “My workplace is brimming with assbags. They are lucky I am an unarmed, peace loving hippy.”

    Yeah, the full moon was nice.

    Is it fucking Friday yet?

  22. 20: number of times I ate Chik-fil-A today (20 nuggests = 20 times)

    8 zillion: number of times I decide not to buy Chik-fil-A in the student union building and then do anyway because of the smell of Chik-fil-A

    7,924: number of times my friend R has made vomit noises when I get the Chik-fil-A Sauce instead of an identifiable sauce like honey mustard or barbecue

    3: number of margaritas I am going to have tonight when R and I go out

    You all are invited to come along.

  23. Yay for Vegas! I live here and I would LOVE to drink with my Aunt Becky! And I might shut your whore mouth fairly quickly for singing “VIVAAAAAAA VIAGRA!” ๐Ÿ˜‰ haha

  24. Yay for Vegas! I live here and I would LOVE to drink with my Aunt Becky! And I might shut your whore mouth fairly quickly for singing “VIVAAAAAAA VIAGRA!” ๐Ÿ˜‰ haha

  25. Love Vegas! Been so many times for work and am having withdrawals. Before I quit my high stress high paying job, I would have been there in december for a conference. Now I’m a journalist.

  26. I have lived four hours from Vegas for 2.5 years and my husband grew up there. 0 is the number of times I have been. Guess who’s family STILL lives there? Now guess who avoids it like the plague? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  27. It’s official… you’ve totally John C. Mayor’d the shit out of the internet. Also, we need to turn this number “0: Times I have been to Vegas” into double digits. Because I’d be willing to be that whatever Aunt Becky does in Vegas, does NOT stay there but ends up all over her blog :-)))))

  28. Punch in the taco. Ha. I used the word taco in scrabble just this week and then talked incessantly about tacos to my husband and mother in law. Tacos are funny. And delicious, sometimes.

  29. Dude, we have a chick fil a near us, and I had never had it until recently and you’re not missing much. I felt like someone punched me in the gut on a full stomach. Ugh.

    OMG, did she SAY Ewwwwwwwww? Because that would NOT be bullshit.

  30. 56,903,761: Times I wanted to strangle my child since he started having (LOUD) nightmares this week
    0: Number of times I have actually strangled him
    4: Number of times he has ended up in my bed
    18: Times I have been punched squarely in the taco by a sleeping 2 year olds wandering foot.
    41: Number of days left in this deployment (also, number of days I must go without strangling my toddler)

    1. You might want to have them checked for an ear infection. A friends daughter used to have really nasty night terrors and it ended up being from a rampant ear infection.

  31. Hopefully this will make you smile a bit. I checked my Google ranking for Justin R. Timberlake, and while I was holding strong at #4 (the highest point so far), Mommy Wants Vodka actually surpassed me at #3. I was momentarily stabby, but then I got over it. I will take second to you any day.

  32. I don’t think I can ever hear the song Viva Las Vegas again without inserting “Viagra.”

    …Dear God, please ensure that song well never play in public or in front of in-laws. Kisses, Nicki

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