My first waking thought yesterday was, “and THAT is why I’ll never do meth.” Must have been a hell of a dream.

I padded down the stairs and blearily poured myself a bucket of coffee. I was out of Redbull, so I made it with water. No wings for me, I thought sadly, as I started to try and piece together something to be offended by. Motrin Moms was so last year. Groupon was too easy. We are PRANKSTERS. We needed something like John C. Mayer, but better, I thought as I rubbed my tongue across my teeth.

Furious George had merit. Furious George Takes Over The Internet. Furious George Cuts Bob Ross. Furious George...wait…what the hell?

My tongue encountered something unexpected. Sharp, even. A popcorn kernel? That wily bastard!

I stumbled to the bathroom to floss (not remembering, of course, that it had been awhile since I’d had popcorn) and looked in the mirror.

What.

The.

Shit?

My tooth was missing.

Or, I should say, a big chunk of it.

I had somehow managed to crack a tooth while sleeping.

I’m notorious for ridiculous injuries. I broke a toe making a sandwich (it wasn’t even FOR ME). I broke a door carrying a diet Coke (24 ounces of swinging death, baby). I jammed up my ankle walking down the stairs (not even saving a basket of cuddly puppies from a house fire). I cut my eyeball at a wedding on my birthday (I can’t begin to explain this one). I don’t know how Lassie makes this shit look glamorous because I sure as hell don’t.

But my tooth. Broken. While sleeping. This takes fucked-up to a whole new level of awesomely dumb.

I got it fixed, of course. I can’t be a toothless blogger. Lord knows someone might actually see me someday.

So if anyone asks, I broke my tooth chewing the bones of my sworn enemies. Like John C. Mayer. And Mark Zuckerberg.

This will be our little secret, Pranksters. Just you and me and the Internet.

Also, uh, don’t do meth.

————–

What’s the stupidest injury you’ve ever gotten, Pranksters?

————–

Blah-blah-bloggies. I’ll do something humiliating for you guys if I win. YOUR CHOICE.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

92 Responses to This Is One Step Closer To Becoming Completely Bionic

  • Tee says:

    Got my hair caught in a paper shredder. Awesome.

  • Melissa says:

    Broke my foot on a LEGO! To be fair it was one of those big ass ones though.

  • I think toothless blogger may be a niche waiting to be filled.

  • Virginia says:

    In December I sprained my ankle putting on my boots.

  • Twitch says:

    I jumped off a table with a yard stick in my mouth and shot it thru my cheek… to be honest tho… I was four… I’m not sure how much common sense a four year old has, Lord knows, my four year old has a ways to go… but I can hope that she is smarter than her mama…

  • Jennifer says:

    Not as good as breaking your tooth in your sleep, but I broke my tooth biting my fingernail. If my teeth are that weak, we are gonna have some problems in the future, I can tell you that much. I’m picking out my dentures already.

  • Raquel says:

    Oh My- This is gonna make you laugh. So I have this tooth,,dead in front of my mouth that has had a root canal and needs a crown. So the tooth is deemed “dead”. A crown is upwards of $1000 so that is on my dream list but in the meantime the tooth grew darker and darker each year and it looked terrible. Finally I convinced a dentist to put some veneer over top of it to make it less rotten looking. As time passed it needed to be redone. A new dentist redid it an unknown to me filed down the original tooth to a matchstick. A brown matchstick at that! Well one day I was talking and the veneer just feel right off in front of people and as if that wasn’t bad enough I had rotten looking stick in the front of my mouth. Meth Mouth all day baby! I cried and cried and cried and stalked the dentist office until he fixed it.

    Question- Are you serious about Red Bull coffee?

  • Maria says:

    I got my hair tangled in the electric mixer (that thing with two beaters sticking out from it). Mom managed to pull the cord out before I got bald…

  • hokgardner says:

    I’m missing half a tooth right now. It broke off while I was eating a gum drop. And next Tuesday I begin the year-long and very expensive process of having a dental implant installed. Talk about a bionic tooth.

    And my stupidest injury was slipping on a puddle of water in my parents’ laundry room and wrecking my knee. It required surgery to put it back together again.

  • Jana A says:

    I stapled my pinkie toe to the floor when I was about 9.

  • “I can’t be a toothless blogger.” That’s awesome.

    Let’s see. Dumb injuries. Where to start, where to start. I’m 31 and hate to exercise yet every so often I like to amuse the children by doing cartwheels. Those almost always end in injury.

  • little big says:

    I forgot to turn the heat on the soup down right after I pureed it. As I set the pot back down it exploded in my face. Don’t believe what you’ve heard: boiling roasted cauliflower soup splattering all over your face is every bit the same as getting attacked by napalm. The soup has more fiber and vitamins, though.

  • AttackCow! says:

    As I was waking up one day, I felt the need to go back under the covers for a bit of extra snooze. I went to pull the blankets over my head but they got stuck. I gave them a good yank as I really wanted more sleep. My hand slipped and I punched myself really hard right in the nose. Being already so groggy, I knocked myself back asleep, the only time in my life a blow to the head has knocked me unconscious, and I’ve taken some pretty hard hits. I woke up a bit later, late for work. No one I have met in all my years has pulled that one.

    • karen says:

      that might be the *best injury ever* … sorry Aunt Becky. But this one totally makes me happy. and I requested a good laugh from you today. by being here. thanks for providing many pranksters for me to revel with and worship you.

      And thanks AttackCow! I laughed. O! I laughed.

  • Kizz
    Twitter: Kizzbeth
    says:

    I gave myself whiplash (diagnosed, medicated, whiplash) walking into a glass door in an Anne Taylor store I was rushing out of because I felt so out of place. Didn’t break my glasses, though!

  • Gretchen says:

    I broke my foot…still have no idea how. It was sore for a couple of weeks and it was getting worse – so off to the doctor I went. After the x-rays confirming the break, he asked me, as any doctor would, *HOW* I had managed to break my foot. I said, as any colossal dumb-ass would “I have no f-ing idea!” His response? “Next time, sweetie, have someone help you get down off of the bar when you’re done dancing” while he laughed, hysterically. Thanks doc. Just put the dumb boot on my foot and shut your whore mouth – please and thank you.

  • samantha says:

    When I was 7 I fell in the dishwasher onto a steak knife, at 8 I broke my arm running, at 12 I busted my head open sitting on the back of a 92 toyota, and at 14 I made my knee cap spin to the back of my knee while attempting to sit down on the gym floor

  • Marie says:

    I was making deviled eggs (mine are FULL of awesome, and crabmeat) for the combo mothers day/ engagegment annoucement party we were having. I was using a “wizzer” as I like to call it, but an emersion blender is what the rest of the sane population calls it. ANYWAY, I was done, so I needed to clean out the egg gunk from the blades and I stuck my finger in there to ensure there were no little egg parts left in there. I held it in the other hand and accidentally squeezed the button to turn it on. I had forgotten the golden rule or kitchen appliances…UNPLUG THE DAMNED THINGS!! I tored off the upper half of my finernail and shredded the rest. I put the blender down and sat stupidly in the family room, sort of in shock, sort of in stupidity until my dad noticed I was blankly sitting and holding my hand like I had just cut it off. I almost did! LOL!

  • I have so many stupid injuries I don’t think this box can hold them all. I once sneezed and smacked my head so hard on the table I kinda passed out for a minute. I tore every ligament and tendon in my left ankle casually walking down the stairs and then it gave out on me and down I went couldn’t break it oh no that would be easy. I broke my nose walking my dog. I fell down the stairs riding a baby gate giving my cat a Pounce. And I sprained my ankle stepping out of bed that was a personal favorite I was standing and then I was down on the floor and my husband had the nerve to say why are you on the floor cause I like it down here. There are more but those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head. I am nothing if not talented.
    And yeah stay off the meth it totally fucks up teeth and everything else.

  • Mel says:

    When I was 16 my father dropped an alarm clock on my face. I lost half of my front tooth. Despite how red-neck that sounds, it actually totally made sense, even though it was a serious of unfortunate events.

    You see, I had the crazy habit of not sleeping much as a teenager. And I had just rearranged my room, which meant my bed frame didn’t fit where I wanted it, so I slept on the box spring and mattress on the floor instead. (Clearly – AWESOME.)

    My alarm clock was set for 5am, and it went off on a Saturday morning (since I was also a LAZY teenager who didn’t turn it off). My dad had been working double shifts, since he was just trying to get his business off the ground. Needless to say, when he heard the alarm going off, he was PISSED. He marched in my room, fumbling in the dark, to get the alarm turned off. I, of course, had it set to an obnoxious teen station, with blaring music, and he couldn’t find the OFF switch. So, he gave up and resorted to pulling the cord from the wall. Unfortunately, since my room had been remodeled by the geniuses who owned the house prior to my family, they didn’t attached the outlet to the stud, and it came out of the wall. My dad lost control of the alarm clock, and dropped it. It happened to drop directly on my face, smack dab into my open mouth (I was a mouth breather, y’all!).

    I spent the better portion of the day in the dentist chair being ‘rebuilt’ and the rest of the weekend getting anything I wanted, since my dad was full of the guilt!

  • As a kid I slipped through the slats of a fence and lo and behold, not only was I on the other side, I was also covered in splinters. Sat for hours while Mom dug them out. Adult worst injury – threw my back out while sleeping. Apparently there are dangers to REM at night.

    PS – cast my Bloggie vote for you!

  • Oh lord, I am a notorious klutz. Apologies for the link to my own blog but I recently posted about my STRING of mishaps. I don’t know what’s happened to me…

    http://serialswooper.com/2010/11/23/the-bride-used-to-be-athletic/

  • Evan says:

    Wow, I rarely comment, but the past two posts make me feel like I may be Aunt Becky’s distant cousin; I too have a penchant for sticking my foot in my mouth and randomly injuring myself.

    Once walked into the garage to ask the husband something and as I walked in, something FLEW. TOWARDS. ME! Husband was just sitting there all calm like talking on his phone, so my brain was all “WHA???” trying to comprehend the inconsistancy of him just sitting there while something WAS FLYING above his head but my body was all “FUCK THIS!” and twisted around to get the hell out of dodge. Mind and body didn’t work together and I threw my back out trying to run for my life. From a bird. A very small bird.

    There a so, so, so many more. My mother tells me at least I come by it honestly; my grandmother is the same way. She once tripped taking her trash out and ended up falling head first into her garbage can.

  • onecookieshort says:

    I was walking by a stereo sitting on the floor and hit my foot on it, completely slicing my toe open.

  • broke my clavicle while reading a book. seriously. i was sitting in front of a bookshelf reading and the thing fell on me, broke my fucking collar bone. takes talent.

    i’m a bad ass though…so clearly, i still read and whatnot.

  • mumma boo says:

    Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Between your broken tooth and the Pranksters’ stories in the comments, I’m doing the empathy heebie-jeebie shudder dance over here. My stupidest injury? Drilling a hole in my thumb with an power drill. I should not be allowed near power tools.

  • A heavy glass overhead light fixture, that I had just replaced & screwed in tightly I thought came loose just after I folded up the step ladder & as I was looking up at the light. Hit me smack on the nose. It didn’t break it but gave me two nasty black eyes and got DH a lot of dirty looks in the Urgent Care lobby that night.

  • JenniferB says:

    I am going to have to come back and read the rest of the replies later, because I am in stitches over here… not literally, though.. never managed to need them.

    Dumb injuries…. hmmmm….. I stapled myself in french class back in high school, that was kinda dumb. Not hilarious though. I have fallen UP stairs many times, but never had more than a bruise to show for it. I did slide DOWN 4-5 stairs while about 8 months pregnant with my daughter. Damn socks and laminate. Everything and everyone was fine, but I did have some whopping bruises all over. The stupidest, though… was definitely when I was trying to relive my glory days… I used to play tennis in high school. Now I teach high school biology and my friend coaches the tennis team. So one day I got on the court to play a match with one of my biology students. But see, I was wearing my old-lady teaching sneakers,which are for WALKING, not running. But then I tried to run across the court to get a tough corner shot and, well… let’s just say walking sneakers should not be worn for tennis. I ran, the shoe stayed planted on the court. My foot rammed into the toe of the shoe and I managed to mangle my big toe as I landed splat on my face on the court. I swore it was broken and even went to urgent care right afterward (okay not before getting up and nonchalantly pretending nothing happened in front of a bunch of high school boys and my friend the coach) to get x-rays. Turns out it was just a bad sprain, but it was the ugliest swollen purple thing I’d ever seen. I even took the next day off work and laid there with my foot in the air feeling like an idiot. THAT was embarrassing.

  • cerahsee says:

    I once pulled muscles in my back while putting paper in a copy machine. Apparently it was heavy paper.

  • cerahsee says:

    I once pulled muscles in my back while putting paper in a copy machine. Apparently it was heavy paper.

  • qcmama says:

    lets see I cut my thumb in half opening a kids toy, broke my toe climbing over a baby gate. I have sprained my ankle I can’t even tell you how many times by falling down stairs. My boyfriend broke my nose because I was standing above him when he jumped up off the floor. Um..Yeah I am a klutz. plain and simple. And sadly my children have inherited it. I feel so sorry for them.

  • Cindy says:

    I broke my finger on a friend’s rock-hard abs (ohmygod was he hot!!) while playing Red Rover. This is why you should not play the game if you are over, say, 10. (I was 17) I have broken all of my fingers, one at a time, doing various stupid crap, like using the bannister and catching it on the metal part that attaches it to the wall, trampolining, playing red rover with incredibly hot people. . .
    I could go on and on about my stupid injuries! The latest one was avoiding the cat while walking downstairs in high heels and landing on my ankle on the tile floor below. I should have stepped on the furry monster!

  • Kelly says:

    I broke my two middle fingers on my right hand, tasting the frosting yum, while my mom was mixing it with a hand beater. Burned the motor out of the beater.

    I broke a bone in one of my feet falling UP the stairs trying to get to the phone.

    When my dog was a puppy, I was out walking him, he pulled the leash out of my hand, I ran after him, tried to stomp on the leash to grab him before he ran into the street and fell hard, with my fist in my chest. I didn’t realize the damage until later that night when we went to go to bed, I had a bruise that was black the size of my fist on my boob. It was there for 8 weeks. Hurt worse then anything, ever.

  • Kelly says:

    Your first waking thought sounds a lot like one of my favorite games to play…

    When getting out of your car at, say, the grocery store… and there are people around… Say something just like that to whoever is with you so that the people around can hear. No elaboration, no eye contact with the strangers, and definitely no laughing. Drop the bomb and keep walking and talking to whoever you are with like it was a totally normal part of your conversation…

    Some of my favorites? “And that’s how I got addicted to crack….” “I only got money for sex that ONE time!” “…and they chose to raise me as a girl…” “Of those two, I guess I’d rather have the donkey punch…” hahaha

  • Zakary says:

    Please tell me there is a photo of toothless Aunt Becky…

    I broke my toe on a treadmill once. I wasn’t running on it, it was next to a window and I was trying to teach my sister how to break into our house. I was awesome.

  • Tanya says:

    Wow, you have a knack for injuring yourself! I’ve sliced my finger on an industrial slicer (twice) and broken my foot (when a horse stepped on it) Other than that I usually justy wind up with stupid bruises from running into things!

  • Hold the damn phone. Being a toothless blogger is a bad thing? Excuse me while I go call a dentist.

  • Kyddryn says:

    I broke two toes answering the phone. Two years later, they still ache.

    Sigh. If I ever had any glamour, it left the building a long time ago.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • Johanne says:

    I fractured my skull while sharing a suit of clothes with a friend at a party in University. There were these GIANT boxer shorts and we commented on how they were so big, you could fit more than one person in them. Then we demonstrated. Someone added a very large hockey jersey, pulling it over both our heads and putting both of our arms through the sleeves together. Then we put our feet into some really big shoes – mine on the bottom, hers on top of mine, cause I’m taller. We tied the shoes up and then we fell over in a doorway. Her hands grabbed for one place to hold on, mine grabbed for another, but being tied together in the clothes, there was no stopping the fall. I landed on the bottom, she fell on top of me and the back of her head hit my brow bone and opened up a nice big fracture across my brow. The doctors at the hospital all laughed at me while ex-raying my skull and assuring me that the black eye would go away eventually and I would be able to see out of my left eye again in no time. I think that qualifies as a stupid injury, don’t you?

  • Ok.

    When I was 6 I fell off a slide and broke my finger. I wasn’t goofing around. I was sitting on top ready to go down, next thing I was on the ground next to it. Fell from the very top, over the side.

    When I was only a little bit older one of the neighborhood kids and I were playing hospital. The ambulance ride consisted of dragging me across the driveway. Completely skinned both thighs from knee to well, way too high.

    When I was 16 I severely twisted my knee putting together a bed. 11 years later and it still hurts when it rains or gets too cold outside.

    As an adult I was carrying a bedside table upstairs and hit the wall at the top. The force of impact pushed me back down the stairs (bedside table still in arms). I was about 2 steps and a tiny bit more of a tilt away from breaking my neck (my neck basically tilted backwards more and more the further down I went) when my husband caught me. Saved my life.

    Oh, and don’t walk on a leg that has fallen asleep. It can’t support your weight, you will collapse, and yes your ankle is sprained just be glad you didn’t break it.

    Oh and I have severely damaged my right shoulder by (wait for it) running a check-out line. Apparently the constant movement or something…

    This one isn’t mine but I had to share. Back before we were married my husband and I were “playing”. He suplexed (don’t know how to spell it, sadly don’t care) me and when he landed on the edge of the water bed (so hard wood) he broke his tail bone.

  • amysezsmile says:

    I once slipped a disc in my back pulling my sock on. Yep, almost needed surgery, missed so much work i was nearly fired and still can’t believe pulling on a sock caused me to slip a disc….smaaaaaaaaaaaaart

  • Your poor tooth! This isn’t that embarrassing, but it is still a good injury story. My mom was my junior high basketball coach. I was being a real brat one early morning practice and lagging in the drills. I jumped up late, came down on another person’s foot and hit the floor. My mom was so mad at me for being lazy and ‘faking’ that she made me walk off the court by myself. Turns out it was broken. Haha, this story makes her look horrible. I will say that she felt awful, and I can still get her to do things for me to this day if I bring it up :)

  • Johi says:

    Aunt Becky,

    I’m so sorry [that I laughed] about your tooth. If it makes you feel better I:

    *was once laughing so hard that I threw my head forward and chipped my FRONT TOOTH on a beer bottle

    *went in for a rebound in a high school basketball game and completely severed my ACL in my left knee because I tripped on my teammates foot.(It seems like TexaGeraN and I were separated at birth)

    *was dismounting a horse (which I am typically proficient at) and got my foot caught in the stirrup. Problem is I was mostly down so gravity took over and I fell. No worries because my face was there to break my fall. When everyone (the 10 people I did this in front of) asked if I was okay, one particularly douchey guy yelled “ONLY HER PRIDE IS INJURED!”

    *I also manage to “fall off” my shoes when walking. A lot. And no, I don’t wear stripper shoes. Apparently my ankles are made of rubber instead of bone.

    I’m glad you had your tooth fixed. Nothing says “banjos banjos banjos” more than a gap toothed smile (and a wad of chewing tobacco).

    Happy hump day. I’m going to take a nap.

    Love,Johi

  • gaylin says:

    When I was two I crawled down a set of stairs face first . . . I knocked my eye out of the socket and my mom had to carry me to the hospital (no car) with one eye out of socket and 3 other kids trailing behind her. Ah, the good old days. I still have as scar and weak muscles in my left eye so if I am really tired, it droops and I look drunk. Since I don’t drink alcohol, this sucks.

    Thankfully I learned how to negotiate stairs kept the self injuries to a minimum after that.

  • Danyelle
    Twitter: dhutton
    says:

    I’m sure I have done stupider, but my most recent stupid injury happened at a SuperBowl party this past weekend. As I was eating a chicken wing (I never eat food that has bones, particularly not in public, but had made an exception.) a hot pepper flake somehow flicked into my eye causing us to have to flush my eye out. Even after flushing it out, it still was bright red and sensitive the rest of the night.

  • Melissa says:

    OK, not quite with the losing a tooth in your sleep… but it goes with all the teeth injuries up here. Nor’Easter of 1993? We got about a foot and a half of snow. My (then) boyfriend and I went outside to have a snowball fight… I ducked behind his sister’s car, which was parked in the driveway and managed to fall face first into it which knocked out the better part of BOTH my 2 front teeth AT 10PM on a SATURDAY NIGHT. The tricky part? I was about 17 at the time… and my mom had custody… but I was insured by my father who lived out of state. Luckily, boyfriend’s mom had a dentist who saw me and put me back together at 8am on a SUNDAY morning and I was numb enough and stupid enough to go sleigh riding that afternoon!!!

  • Ashley says:

    I definitely broke my finger dragging my hand along a wall at my friend’s cabin. Just a regular wall, not textured or anything excusable.
    I also ripped a toenail off on a tricycle at that same cabin when I was 3.
    That cabin is super bad luck.

  • Barbara says:

    I scratched my cornea putting on mascara once. That was pretty dumb. At least I got to rock a sweet eye patch for a few days.

  • The Mommy says:

    I gave myself whiplash taking a shower at a hotel (too hot water plus slippery back of tub). I fell through the windshield of a car that I was walking on resulting in my (much smaller then) butt crashing through resulting in stitches on both of my hands. I ran into a brick house on a sled with my face because I was too little to know my right from left and I guessed WRONG. I broke my toe running out of a bathroom (we had been watching a scary movie and I am a chickensh*t).

    Oh, wait. Did you only want one? I’d be hard-pressed to pick the STUPIDEST…

    I think we might be related.

  • AmyBlam says:

    I may never sleep again and it’s totally your fault. One of my biggest fears is losing teeth while I sleep. And now you’ve announced it can come true? Shit.

  • SarahT says:

    When I was in college, I broke my thumb swimming laps. You know, the number one low-impact sport for people recovering from injuries? I got water in my goggles and swam into the side of the pool.

    This one is not me, but in the same vein…the summer I was 19 I worked for a summer theater. For the first 2 weeks of the summer, everyone was involved in building the temporary theater structure. Power tools, heavy objects overhead, etc. No injuries. 2 weeks in, a number of the staff took a passenger van to attend some event, and 4 people were injured getting in or out of the van.

  • Becca says:

    Ok, when I was a kid I got stung on the nose when a nest of wasps fell on my head while cleaning the goat barn. Then I inadvertantly twist my ankle at least once a year while stepping off a curb, this is unknown to me of course until I stand up after having fallen flat on my face. Also, I have now broken two (not one, but two) teeth while sound asleep because I grind them so much!!

  • Elizabeth says:

    I was getting ready for a trip, packing and whatnot, and I decided to see how a particular outfit looked. My mirror was above the dresser, so to see how the jeans looked with the top (seriously, I don’t know what I was thinking–jeans and a t-shirt look just like..uh, jeans and a t-shirt, but whatever), I climbed up on my bed. Well, I lost my balance, twisted my ankle and fell off the bed. My ankle hurt so much it was a minute before I realized that I landed on the plug to my hairdryer and my hand was bleeding. So, I can’t walk or carry my luggage. perfect. And as a momento,I have a scar that matches the prongs of a hairdryer outlet.

  • Jen says:

    I boke my tooth off (front tooth!!) biting my lip while waiting for my prescription at Walgreens. Broke my whole damn tooth off! The pharmacist flipped out when i asked him to look at it. Mortified, I ran to the car. I never felt more ugly in my life. I called my dentist out of her Saturday of fun to make me pretty again. She made me wait until Monday (the nerve, right?!)
    I have a “flipper” (retainer) with one tooth on it and am getting an estimate for a dental implant next week. I was told it would run $3-5 thousand.

    AB – at least you can make up some elaborate story about bed ninja’s or bar fights. i bit my lip. Ugh.

    In the last 3 weeks: I simultaneously sprained my ankle and peed a little in my pants(love how kids killed my bladder control)when i went into a bounce house with my kids. a week later I dropped a cast iron lid on my big toe and broke it. 3 days after that I was shoveling out my driveway at 10 at night (with a broken toe and sprained ankle – dry panties) Anyhoo… slipped on ice, fell on my butt and the shovel cracked me in the eye, giving me a black eye and breaking my glasses.

    i’ve put in several formal public requests to be placed into a human-sized hamster bubble until spring. No luck yet.

  • Squatlo says:

    Okay, the water instead of Red Bull was inspired. You really should find a way to patent that joke. I sprayed beer all over my computer monitor, so dammit, pay attention when I tell you THAT was a funny fucking line…

    My worst self-inflicted stupid? I shot a blowgun dart through my own finger. Just huffed and puffed and let a finger dangle over the hole at the end of a blowgun, and ended up with an aluminum dart completely through the nail, bone, and both side of the digit. Whee~! Learned to never drink and blow, something I hope women won’t take to heart, because it was meant only in reference to this particular story. I’ve posted it on my own blobber site, if you’re interested:

    http://squatlo-rant.blogspot.com/2010/11/squatlo-story-number-sixteen-alcohol.html

  • Anonymous says:

    My personal favorite is spraining my middle finger while masturbating. Try explaining that one to people! Husband mocked me for a week.

  • “Toothless Blogger” – sounds like my next blog title. Although I am a bit of a clumsy catastrophe it’s always someone else who gets injured. I once got sunburn on my eyeball though…..

  • Patti says:

    Now that I’ve recovered from laughing at all the injuries (hey, if you don’t laugh…), I can tell you a few of mine.

    Hmmm, let’s see: I started twisting my ankles at age 4 when my mother thought it was neat to put me in platform shoes (seriously!). Nearly blinded myself in Grade 2, when putting my chair up on my desk (so the cleaners could vacuum the floor) and inadvertently stuck my thumbnail in my eye. Had an eyepatch for a couple of weeks. As a teen, I slipped on a wet bathroom floor (wet because I didn’t do as my mother said and put the stupid mat down before I got in the shower) and shot my kneecap to the back of my knee. Six weeks in a cast from my hip to ankle and still required surgery to fix. I broke my finger sitting on a couch. I’ve dislocated my hip getting off a couch (not the same couch, several years apart). Broke my nose by smashing it into the wooden arm of the couch while sneezing. (Sensing a theme here??)

    I also gave myself a concussion slipping on the icy driveway. My feet went whoosh and I remember seeing them up in the sky..then blackness and later my (now ex) husband stood over me and asked why I was laying on the driveway.

    I’ve broken my right baby toe five times by walking into the side of a door instead of walking *through* the door and now can no longer wear heels because of the permanent damage.

    I could go on….

  • a says:

    It wasn’t the injury that was stupid, it was how I got there. We had a house in Chicago built in the 1940’s with old windows. I had to wash the windows for my mom, and the house had 2 stories, so I was washing the front 2nd floor window. There was a bay window on the 1st floor that you could stand on to wash the outside of the windows. I got out there, and the window closed behind me. There was no one home. The window would not open. So I was stuck on the outside of the house on the second floor, and I needed to go to work. I had to jump off the roof. I landed on the grass, and it felt like I had just shot my spine up through my skull. I waddled up the front steps into the front door (fortunately unlocked!) and flopped on to the couch trying to catch my breath. I put my head in my hands, and that’s when I noticed that I had obviously also bounced my head off of the concrete steps. Then I got up and went to work.

    I also have done the quintessential step-on-a-rake-and-have-the-handle-smack-you-in-the-face cartoon move. It’s every bit as painful as it looks.

  • steph gas says:

    i have two, and they both happened the year i was in fifth grade. one caused my fear of ceiling fans: i had one in my bedroom and it was superhot, just at the end of the summer before fifth grade started. my mom had changed the light bulb in the ceiling fan that day, and because it was so hot, i was sleeping upside down in my bed with my head at the foot of the bed – right under the ceiling fan. when she came in to say goodnight and turn out my light, the superheavy glass cover fell off right onto my forehead. i had a HUGE welt there that was black and blue for weeks. she made me stay with her all night and woke me up every hour.

    second was just a few months later at the ice skating rink. not what you think. my friend and i were skating and i was superexcited because i hadn’t fallen once. we turned in our skates and went to wait outside for my mom. she pulled up in her car and we went to get in. as i went to step off the curb, i slipped on a small patch of ice, hit my head on the side of the car, and literally ate the curb: my mouth hit the corner of the curb. i broke my front tooth off and couldn’t eat anything at the fifth grade holiday pizza party the next day :(

  • amberlashell says:

    Yeah well, I broke my foot and sprained my ankle trying to jump over a wave in galveston. Now being from houston, I am sure you know exactly how big the waves are at galveston. yeah, not big enough to break you foot bone. (that little bitty one by your pinky toe)

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    Don’t feel too bad about the uber bionic tooth. My first broken bone ever was breaking my pinkie toe stubbing it. That hurt. Then a couple years later? I managed to crush three toes and a few of the small bones in my foot by… yep, running smack into the corner of a table. The same table. Which hadn’t moved in all those years.

  • Tammy says:

    Leaned back in bed…aaahhh, back when I had a sort of small bookcase built around the head of the bed. Completely forgot that I had lit a candle and set it behind my big afro head. Needless to say…HAIR ON FIRE!!! The smell of burning hair is one I’ll never forget!

  • andygirl says:

    dude. you should get a gold cap.

    I have gotten many mysterious injuries and not even known how I got them. and I’m not even a heavy drinker or sleep walker. but there it is.

  • Back when I was working in customer service, we had a helium tank to blow up balloons for the children, and one day I walked into the point part that blows up the mylar balloons and sliced my throat. The bandage I had to wear made it look like I was attacked by a knife wielding crazy ass mo’ fo’. After I did it, we realized that damn pointy piece didn’t stick out far enough for me to hit it with my THROAT, thus 9 years later I still don’t know how the hell it happened.

  • Bell says:

    I have a scar on the back of my hand from walking past a metal chair. My hand brushed past it and was cut open from about my knuckles to my wrist. Literally, brushed past. Not even hard or anything! And now I have a scar with a boring story for it.

  • Becca says:

    I got my big toenail broken off at a wedding reception (too much wine + stepped on). Two weeks later I was out to dinner with my husband at a bar/grill. We were on bar stools, and while he was teasing me about my toe, I kicked him from under the table…only I missed & kicked the stool he was sitting on. AND BROKE THE OTHER BIG TOENAIL OFF! The look on my face immediately showed the combined pain, embarrassment, and shock that this could happen to someone. AGAIN! Lame.

  • ColinP says:

    Did the dentist mention that you might be grinding your teeth at night?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Yes. I do grind my teeth. I am also, apparently, incredibly stressed out.

      • ColinP says:

        Heh, can’t imagine why (well I can since I am an avid reader of the wonderness that is Aunt Becky). My mother used to do the same thing before she retired, however a dentist suggested to her that a cheap alternative was to get one of those mold-able mouth guards.

  • Anna says:

    I broke off half of my front tooth trying to find the baton I just threw up into the air. To this day, I will swear up and down that I ran into a door… just a tad less embarrassing.

  • Amy says:

    On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2009 I got food poisoning. I was sick when I went to bed and when I woke up I had broken my thumb. Mainly because I got up in the middle of the night, passed out, and pulled a giant painting down on myself.

  • Hmm. I’ve had 2 sprained ankles from falling down 2 different sets of stairs.

    1, I thought I was all the way down & stepping onto the concrete slab at the bottom. I wasn’t all the way down.

    2. I was stomping down the stairs in the rain after coming home early to yell at my husband with whom I’d been fighting on the phone. Wet stairs + cheap shoes = sprained ankle and embarrassing need of help from husband I was very angry with and planning to yell at. Good times.

    A month after this ankle sprain? I woke up and could not straighten my leg with out my knee screaming. It took 2 MRIs (showing absolutely nothing wrong) and a less than sensitive orthopedist shooting a whole hell of a lot of something numbing into my knee to straighten it out. I have no explanation as to WTH happened to my knee. But it sucked.

    I recently sprained my other ankle stepping off the walkway in front of our front door.

    I mangled toes in the track of a sliding glass door 2 days before mangling some more toes on the same foot by kicking a kitchen chair…which was in the same room as the sliding glass door.

    The 1st time I sprained my ankle (before the above 2 stair incidents) I hobbled down the stairs the next morning and was using the counters in the kitchen to crutch myself into the room so as not to use the mangled ankle and I burned my arm (with blisters & now a scar) on the toaster sitting on the counter.

  • starle says:

    I broke my OWN THUMB. I was explaining to one of my friends that it didn’t hurt to crack your knuckles.
    Duh.

  • Lisa says:

    I once stepped on my own hand.

  • Karmell says:

    Okay, the stupidest injuries I’ve ever had…..
    1. When I was young we were playing crack the whip on the ice rink, and everyone ended up in a pile….and I ended up with a skate blade in the crotch and five stitches to repair the damage.
    2. Sprained my achilles tendon during a tragic leg waxing episode.
    3. Broke my back in bed…..and you can make up your own story about that one in your head!!!

  • Tiffany says:

    I ripped my fngernail off in my sleep. Ripped the wholle thing off right out of the nailbed. I’m still scratching my head over this one and that was longer than ten years ago.

  • Lindsay says:

    I broke one of my molars in half eating a sour gummy worm. That was about four months ago and it has yet to be fixed. Or even looked at by my dentist. I also still have one baby tooth that does not have an adult tooth behind it to come in. It has a silver cap and I call it my pirate tooth. So in the future, I will have two bionic teeth. I will practically be Superman. Also helping my Superman aspiration that I thought I could fly when I was five by racing my sister to the top of the hay pile in my parents barn. I fell when I reached the top (about 25 feet) and landed on the concrete floor and had the bale of hay land on top of me.

    Not helping my Superman dreams is the fact that my index and middle fingers on both of my hands have been injured. The side of the two fingers on my right hand were sanded off by a stationary disc sander while I was in college. My left hand got slammed in a tailgate of a dump trailer after my brother let go without telling me he was letting go.

  • Dawn says:

    As I walked past a table at a party, my shoulder bag swept a nearly full bottle of beer off the table onto my big toe. And it hurt like a mofo. I didn’t think I’d broken it and never had it checked and didn’t realize that I really had done damage until a year or so later, when a physiotherapist asked me, “Do you realize you have very little muscle tone in your left big toe?” I did not. I am now the proud owner of a physio exercise just for my big toe.

    “What are you doing?”

    “I’m trying to increase the strength in my big toe.”

    I should be on “Oprah” shouldn’t I?

  • GingerB says:

    Reading these comments has changed my life. I’m coming back tomorrow to make sure I didn’t miss anything. A good friend once swallowed her tooth while sleeping off a hangover. A front tooth, it was.

  • Minipeds says:

    These are great! I feel a lot less clumsy, now!
    I once tripped over a cement block in a parking lot and went down like a tree onto my face/forehead in front of a coworker and a horrifed gas station attendant…to my credit though, the parking space was yellow and the block thing was painted the exact same color.

    Building a snow fort at about 8 years old, with my next door neighbor, I caught the sharp edge of a shovel with my forehead because he didn’t hear me when I said “I think we’ve almost broken through.” Yes, we had broken through.

    Not me, but my coworker broke her arm falling over a baby gate because her pointy-toed-cowboy boot got stuck in the like holes in the gate.

    • Minipeds says:

      I tried to illustrate the holes in the gate with greater than and less than symbols but the robots took them away. sad.

  • Sassypants says:

    I once ripped my cornea, but good, while opening a bag of cat food. Yes, you read that right. The best part was having to explain to everyone in the ER, exactly how I had obtained the injury to my eye. There were more than a few snickers. I also broke my kneecap, while standing on a chair, painting my kitchen ceiling. I literally got tangled in my own pants, jerked my foot out of the tangle of material, and threw myself on the floor, landing with my not-inconsiderable weight all on my knee. Hello Immobilizer! They then took the crutches they had just given to me in the ER, and replaced it with a cane, when I almost fell (dr. caught me), just trying to leave the room, LOL.

  • charity says:

    While trying to calm my youngest to sleep (with some sort of full body spoon hold) he jerked his head back and broke my god damn nose.

  • Tracie
    Twitter: fromtracie
    says:

    When I was a teenager, I was walking down the hallway talking on the phone. I fell and broke my wrist.

    When my parents and I were sitting in the emergency room the next day (because the genius doctor put the cast on too tight and it stopped my circulation so the next day I had to have it taken off and a new one put back on…because I like it when my fingertips stay attached to my hand.) a nice older couple was there and asked what happened to my arm. I told them the story. The woman laughed nervously and said to my dad, “maybe you should buy her a cordless phone.” He ansered, “It is cordless.” Then the nice older couple looked scared and moved to the other side of the room.

    Yes, I walked down a hallway, tripped over nothing, and broke my arm. Yay me.

  • Jamie says:

    I once fell up the stairs and down the stairs AT THE SAME TIME. Didn’t think it was possible but it is. Considering how accident prone I am it’s a miracle really that I’ve never broken anything. And my friend broke her tooth while sleeping too. Apparently it’s more common then one would think…

  • emma says:

    Once, I broke my nose twice in a year. Once with a SNAIL and once with a toilet seat. First, I went to a swanky do at a posh victorian conservatory, was very dolled up as the bf’s ex-wife was there. Walked in, looking lovely, bright smile. Stupid fucking snail chose that moment to fall out of the creeper on the roof and batter me across the bridge of my nose, also knocking me unconscious. Nice. Second time, I finished my last shift at a hotel, was going out for a few goodbye drinks before moving back across Scotland to start work the next day. Got wasted. Went home, puked my guts up. Wooden toilet seat decided to fall right down on the bridge of my nose. Started new job, at very exclusive five red star hotel with two black eyes and a bulbous nose. Made a great first impression.

  • HeatherC says:

    My nose was broken by MY DOG who swung his head around too quickly and shmucked me in the face… Also, this was right before my wedding.

  • MamaCas says:

    In high school, I had a giant angry zit on my face. When I tried to pop it, I popped my neck muscle instead. I couldn’t move my head for 4 days. Good times.

  • SkippyMom says:

    I have been reading you this morning, much fun – and although I am late to the party, I thought I would add a few more.

    For teeth – I bite down on a cookie and my bottom molar cracked – that wasn’t the bad part, no…the bad part was my top molar got stuck in the crack and I couldn’t open my mouth for a few minutes because my teeth were wedged together. [And no, not a meth addict. :)]

    Then….

    I feel asleep on the couch one afternoon a few months ago and woke up with a wicked black eye.

    Yeah, I have no idea either.

    Oh and the other day I had an allergic reaction to margarine. [WTF! I ate it for 44 years] I ended up looking like Angelina Jolie with the extra botox – it was all fun and games until I realized I really needed Benadryl – and I am allergic to nothing.

    Not one upping anyone, this is just the way I roll. Badly, obviously. heehee

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