Okay, I have officially died and gone to Blog Heaven. Why? I am on SLATE.COM today. No, I am. REALLY. It’s ME.

Since is it Thanksgiving week and you should really be cooking me stuff, I am dusting off the ONLY food post I’ve done, if you don’t want to visit my other, racier *ahem* faking orgasms *ahem* over at Toy With Me.

But, The Internet, I’m thinking next week may bring you Aunt Becky As The Pioneer Woman, Part B. Because this was probably my favorite post to write.

*claps hands*

This is a dish best served for your relatives that you totally hate and want to never come back. Because, obviously.


If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go here for a visit, then come back. It’ll make more sense that way.

Hm…It’s lunch time. What shall I cook?


Wow, those cookbooks are shiny and new looking! That must be painfully obvious that I do not cook. Unless one calls “shamelessly ordering take-out” cooking. Which, probably not.



*wrings hands dramatically for several minutes*

Man, being sanctimonious makes me hungry.


Wait, now THAT looks like a book I would like! Retro lady, the word “secret” in the title, and I’m pretty sure no foodies would masturbate onto it.

Phew! I can make lunch after all.

Let’s see…





Not really quite what I had in mind. I left my bitter pants upstairs, and while I like cookies, I’m pretty sure this won’t be too tasty.

Well, hel-lo lover…


Hooray! Even *I* can use the microwave! And look at the whimsical packaging! I can’t go wrong here.


Okay, dude, Pad Thai box, I sort of hate taking direction. Remember the whole “nursing school” fiasco?

Yeah, me too.


But lookit all the cute individually wrapped packages! How wee!


I can artfully arrange them JUST LIKE BEN! He’d be so proud of my technique! I should show him. Oh…right.


Man, Day 1 of school and I already miss him.


Posing the water next to my orchid is very artsy. Maybe I could be…a photo blogger.

(shut UP)

And that’s ABOUT a cup. Close enough for me.


5! More! Flavors!

I might actually eat lunch properly again! O! Thank you, box of prepackaged Thai food!


Add the bag of noodles.


Wait. Um. That sauce looks semi-unappetizing.

But wait! Look! Whimsical packaging!!!

What was I saying again? I totally forgot.


Look at me all using the microwave like a big kid. Daver is going to be SO PROUD of me.

*hums Jeopardy song loudly*


Aww, yeah! END. I know what THAT means!


Uh. Well.



Maybe this is what will make my lunch more delicious: one more microwaved minute.



And just like that, I have noodles glued together with an unidentifiable sauce! I should TOTALLY WRITE A COOKBOOK. That’s EXACTLY what I should do! WRITE COOKBOOKS!


Uh, MOM? Hi. Are you a total idiot?

130 thoughts on “This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman (Redux)

  1. you know what is sad? I can make breads, cakes, pies, pizzas from scratch but ask me to slap together a box recipe and inevitably I explode something, burn it, or some other kind of shenanigans ensues

  2. I admire your mad microwaving skillz.

    BTW, I will read your other post, just not while I’m at work, supposedly working, and not in fact fooling around on twitter, and reading blogs…

    oh damn, I should go work.

  3. I love that the mini vodka and glenlivet bottles haven’t even been opened. COME ON, Becky – you should have splashed those into your Pad Thai!

  4. I hate the Pioneer Woman. And by hate, I mean I love her and I envy her with a passion that scalds my soul and I want to be her.

    Not like in some creepy make-a-coat-out-of-her-skin kind of way, though, I swear.

    Rock on with your microwave noodles, Aunt Becky. Rock on.

  5. I eat these in secret sometimes, knowing full well that I’ll feel bloated from the starch and nauseous from the 57 lbs of sugar crammed into that tiny box.
    My teeth hurt just thinking about it.
    Why do I keep eating them? Shut up!

  6. That post is even funnier the second time. Way to microwave!
    I commented “someone think of the children!” in my own FB post about my proposed Kate Gosselin “peace for the kids” drinking game last night. No one got it. I was so lonely.

  7. I, too, will never be The Pioneer Woman. Ree is one of a kind. Okay, so are you, and so am I, but you kwim! Right? Right? Sigh. Never mind.

    You are amazing with a microwave. 🙂

    And ya know, in all seriousness, you may not be an amazing cook like The Pioneer Woman, but by the same token, she’ll never be a writer like you are. I’m utterly serious. Yes, she’s a good writer, but you’re better. (No, I’m not blowing sunshine & roses up your butt. I’m not a sheeple. I just call it as I see it.)

    1. Aw, why thank you. I have no desire to be Ree, and I’m pretty sure she’s fire-bombing me right now. That’s okay. I have mad respect for her.

      Also? DID I TELL YOU? I subscribed! FINALLY! Woo!

  8. Hm, I really just hate Pioneer woman. No jealousy, I really don’t want to be like her because, as you might say, *obviously*. Nope, just pure gag.

  9. Just so you know . . . I went and read some of the sex toy review stuff and was inspired enough to dust off my rabbit and see if it could do for me what it seems to do for you. I still think I need a custom toy, but that’s not to say the rabbit isn’t a Fine Bit o’ Engineering.

    That said, who do I have to sleep with to get a mention on Slate? You go girl!

    1. I had a sex toy called The Beaver Twister and it nearly broke my vagina. For serious.

      And I had NO IDEA that I was going on Slate until Monday when I was all, HOLY BALLS I BETTER CLEAN UP MY SITE. So I sort of did.

  10. Just so you know . . . I went and read some of the sex toy review stuff and was inspired enough to dust off my rabbit and see if it could do for me what it seems to do for you. I still think I need a custom toy, but that’s not to say the rabbit isn’t a Fine Bit o’ Engineering.

    That said, who do I have to sleep with to get a mention on Slate? You go girl!

    Oh, and “the God (Mick) Jagger” . . . Were we separated at birth? If you ask my kids, “Who is the greatest rock band ever?” they will reply, in unison and under duress, “The Rolling Stones.”

  11. my fave self help book says this about happiness:

    “happiness is not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond to what happens. that’s what it’s called happiness and not happenness.”


  12. But I love those noodles. Seriously. I eat them nearly EVERY DAY. I like the Shitake Mushroom one the best, but the Pad Thai isn’t half bad.
    Send me whatever you don’t eat. Well, the uncooked ones obviously, because – ew.

    Hope you and yours have a great Turkey Day Aunt Becky!!!

    1. You can call me any time you want to lose some weight! I’ll try and cook for you and then you’ll lose weight because it’s so gross you’ll feel sick.

      AND? I subscribed like a big girl. YAY!

  13. Well, now I don’t feel nearly as bad as I did when the hostess of an earlier play date looked spectacularly agog when I said that I was cooking T’giving dinner. Hello “Hungry Man” dinners!

  14. For the love of God Becky! Step back. It’s a slippery slope from where you are now to (Oh God): Home Schooling.

    Take it all back. Just delete the whole post.

    And. walk. away. from. the. computer.

  15. To paraphrase the great Sophia Petrillo, “If this post was a person I’d get naked and make love to it.” Although, she was originally referring to sauce. One assumes it was not the mystery sauce in the box. The only people making love to that sauce are people who have to pay for sex. 🙂

  16. I used to think I could cook. Then I married one. And since he has corrected me on several occasions, the job is now all his! Yay for me!

  17. Does it make me bad that this looks better than Ree’s Pumpkin Flan to me today? I would totally eat that Pad Thai, the pumpkin flan? yech.

    (that said, I normally LURVE her cooking blog, and her other blogs) Love me some butter lol.

    Maybe a stick of butter would actually make that pad thai better? A stick of butter makes everything better.

  18. hahaha that was good! I have one of those packages in my pantry but I’m a little afraid to eat it. Are they good at all? I have food issues, sorry.

  19. I store my booze in my vegetable crisper, so Aunt Becky, you can write a cookbook for cooks like me! Maybe you are just not reading the right cookbooks — let me recommend Wild Women in the Kitchen, it even has a chapter entitled, “Beer, the Housewife’s Best Friend.”

    1. Now that sounds like the sort of cookbook I can get behind. I’ve got to sell the cookbooks I stupidly registered for (and got) for my wedding. I need to give up the ghost. I am not a cook.

  20. SLATE? Girl, you totally rock. And I am so fracking happy after reading the article, I’m going to go off now and… smile or something.


  21. Man… Slate, the interview was briliant Beck! You are not bullshitten huh? You are makin your way and pretty soon here will be all(more)famous and writing and money bloggin, what will we do?

    I so remember this post from before too, and I did not know these noodles then and I so don’t want to know them now, yuck!

  22. Awesome interview over on Slate! Love the part of people with VICTIM on their forehead. I don’t know one person that has HONESTLY had the perfect life and most could put VICTIM of some sort on their foreheads. The people I admire the most are the ones that erase it off and just live THEIR lives and not the lives that they feel were created for them by their victimmers – is that a word? You know what I mean. And sorry for all the CAPS. This topic just strikes a major chord with me.

    Have a great Thanksgiving!!! xo

  23. look here, i got that cookbook, okay! and was happy as a fly on shit when it showed up. hater. i know you want one. you want me to send you a copy from amazon don’t you???

  24. ACK! I can’t find my comment anymore, there are too many!

    I am SO telling everyone that I know Aunt Becky, and they are ALL gonna be jealous mofos, but I doubt anyone is going to believe me.

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