So you popped out a couple of crotch parasites, eh? And now you’re all, dubya-tee-eff? You mean I have to PARENT these things? That’s bullshit.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Things You Probably Don’t Want To Do With Your Kids This Summer:

1) Hand them a bag of glass and say, “sshhhh, Mama’s playing Angry Birds.” Why? Because the glass could scratch the surface of your iPhone and that is so not cool.

2) Tell them to fry up some Kool-Aid for lunch. Why? Fried Kool-Aid is DINNER FOOD.

3) Make them cut the lawn with their teeth. Because, trust me, it’ll be SO uneven that way.

4) Introduce them to telenovelas. Now, I love me a good telenovela, but the very last thing my children need is to learn to be MORE DRAMATIC. Seriously, they could out-drama any Mommy Blogger out there.

5) Introduce them to Barney. Because if you end up listening to that motherfucking purple dinosaur sing about love for twelve hours a day, you might go homicidal.

6) Make them BBQ things. Because who knows, they’ll probably just use the BBQ to cook squirrels. Unless your Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel, you don’t want that shit. Plus, I hear squirrels are high in calories.

7) Make them build you a deck. Because while the free manual labor is nice, you do need those boards to go together justso and frankly, kids are sloppy creatures.

8 ) Teach them to drive. Because we all know two-year olds can’t properly signal.

9) Teach them to Tweet for you. Because all they’d have to say is, “My butt smells like poop.”

10) On second thought, perhaps you SHOULD teach them to tweet for you. It sounds miraculously like something I’d say. Except I’d add a “PLZ RT” to it.

Things You SHOULD Do With Your Kids This Summer:

1) Teach them to make a mean martini. There’s always room for vodka, right? And learning to make a decent martini is a valuable Life Skill.

2) Use them as foot-rests while you’re playing Angry Birds or watching a telenovela. They’re just the right size for it. Just say, “We’re playing a game. You’re a rock! And rocks don’t move unless they’re smashed. YOU don’t want to be smashed, do you?”

3) Make them clean out the spiders in the garage. Because they’ve got to get over their fear of spiders SOMEHOW. May as well be now.

4) Teach them to ride their scooters to the liquor store to pick up “Mama’s Medicine.”

5) Outsource them to a third-world country to learn how to properly stitch clothes together. That way, they can make their OWN clothes AND they’ll see what it’s like to live in a third-world country! It’s a WIN!

There you go, Parents! It’s Aunt Becky’s Guide To Summer Activities With Yer Crotch Parasites!

Happy Summer!

30 thoughts on “Things You Probably Don’t Want To Do With Your Kids This Summer

  1. The other day, I was rocking the girl to sleep when I noticed that my beer was on the other side of the room. “CJ,” I said to my toddler, “can you bring me my beer.”

    And he did.

    I was so incredibly proud of my parenting right then . . . until he went to take a sip and dropped the bottle when he decided he didn’t like it.

    I’m going to hold out hope that a hoppy IPA is an “acquired taste”

  2. When our parents were kids they were expected to learn how to make mixed drinks, especially mommy and daddy’s favorites.

  3. I gotta disagree about the driving thing. My 2 year old has mastered mimicking my “Goddammit” and yells “watch out!” pretty often in the car. So, her driving would no doubt surpass my sad mastery of the sport.

    Besides, if she takes out some neighborhood squirrels, she can go ahead and light up the BBQ. Oh wait… that was a no-no, too.

    I’d better re-read.

  4. I think the fact that there are 10 “should not” do items and only five “should” do, is proof that having kids is a bad idea. Right?

  5. 6. Have them practice foot massage. Should one of them decide to attend a full fledged cosmetology school, you’re saving them a lot of learning time. This allows Mommy to practice constructive criticism and the little ones begin to learn what it’s like to work in a service industry.

    Bonus- The Rock game is better for THEM if Mommy has smooth nice pretty feet.

  6. The problem with your kids grilling squirrels is that they probably won’t skin ’em first and burnt hair smells bad and tastes worse.

  7. Of COURSE I’m like Duabbaya-tee-eff?

    How in the hell are we supposed to do this shit, anyhow? I’m printing off your list. It’s a solid start.

  8. I tried to teach my daughter to make a proper martini, but it didn’t take. To make a good one, you’ve got to bring a lot of love to the process. She wasn’t mature enough, nor damaged enough, at that point to achieve the proper level of commitment. She is now, but she’s got kids of her own. I don’t like to bother her with that ‘stop whatever you’re doing, and try to focus on MY needs for a change’ bullshit when she’s crying in her bedroom. I just make my own. Sometimes I’ll make two, and then go knock on her door to explain to her how Karma can be such a bitch. She’s a good girl, but, honestly, sometimes she’s just so needy.

  9. Another thing you should never do. If you should happen to be drinking a nonalcoholic beer (don’t ask me why) and your two year old son wants to take a sip, and you think “well, it can’t hurt him and he won’t like it, which means he won’t be drinking my dead soldiers because he’ll get an aversion to beer,” don’t let him have a drink.

    Because one, everybody likes beer, (now) including my two-year-old-son, and anyone’s first experience with beer should be with the real thing.

  10. I LOVED this!! It’s so nice to know that when I am escorted out of the PTA meetings for having innovative, outside the box fund raising ideas like “Pole Dancing Marathons” or a School Lottery (but Shirley Jackson’s version. You know, when the winner actually gets stoned? And not in the good way?) that there are Moms like you out there who are JUST like me. Thanks.

  11. See, you’ve got to do what I did. Introduce spraying and rubbing the kitchen floor with a rag as a GAME. Then deny the privilege of playing the game every now and then, just to keep it fresh. Renew permission after a)spills and b)before company arrives.

    Or go the martini route. That one’s kind of a win-win.

  12. Please, please tell me that you’ve gotten some angry, offended, self-righteous emails about this post. I’m going to be so disappointed if we don’t have some to make fun of.

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