1) Oh PHEW! I’m relieved to note the chain email has not, in fact, died. How ELSE would I get those spangly angels praying at me?

2) Thank GOD The Facebook warned me about that crazed drug addict sticking needles under the gas pump to infect people with AIDS! I thought he disappeared back in the 90’s when those chain email forwards died off, but you know, I guess he’s back! Thanks, The Facebook!

3) “Hey, what ANGEL/Flavor of Coffee/Penis Size am I?”

4) You’re right. I do want a pink cow for my fake farm!

5) I should really email blast all my friends, asking them to vote for me. They’ll appreciate that.

6) Wow. This is great. So happy that I got tagged in THE WORST picture of me EVER. Now people are asking me if I have a penis. Isn’t that funny?

7) Phew. I’m so glad that The Facebook is trying to kill off blogging.

8 ) Did you know that breast cancer is caused by dioxins* in my water bottles? Because it totally is. The Facebook Said So. The internet NEVER lies.

9) I love logging into to a separate email so I can respond to my Facebook email that’s probably monitored by Mark Zuckerberg. It makes it so much less confusing to have 37 separate email addresses.

10) Oh now THAT’S HILARIOUS. Look, all the girls are posting their BRA color/where there purse is (none and I have no fucking clue) to make the boys think about The Sex! I should play along.

*plastics do not contain dioxins, no matter what that pinhead Sheryl Crow says.

Things I Have Thought While On The Facebook:

*sobs* WHERE’S TOM FROM MYSPACE? He was EVERYONE’S friend.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

48 Responses to Things I’ve Never Thought While On The Facebook

  • Sarah says:

    I literally JUST got an e-mail forward from my crazy aunt about the plastic bottle = cancer thing yesterday.

    It’s on the Internet, so it MUST be true!

  • wtfinmontana says:

    Hee Hee Hee! I have been thinking about how bad I hate The Facebook. Mostly because I refuse to write fun comments with the word Fuck in them because my grandma and my husband’s classy Tia would be disappointed.

  • John M says:

    Tom was stalking me for a long time. Now I am lonely and I miss him…

    Wait, WHAT?

    No, I don’t. Pass the bottle!

  • Jenni Chiu says:

    I also so LOVE getting invited to a thousand events that are halfway across the country and hosted by people I forgot I knew. That’s the best!

  • cynthia says:

    and thank god you posted this ON the Facebook, cuz i have the day off and i generally read blogs AT work so i might have missed this! :-) you rock

  • Heather says:

    I HATE the vote for me please messages. I have one friend that is always entering her kids in contests and then posting at least once or twice a day about how we should go vote for them.

  • LOVE IT!!

    I think the dioxin thing got accelerated by the news that BPA is released from some plastics after cooling and heating..and THAT is the bad thing. Poor Sheryl she should stick to music I agree.

  • Cindy says:

    Why does everyone censor themselves on The Facebook? I see lots of sh*t and f*uck. Who gives a shit if you friended your Grandma and want to sound prim and proper- pretty sure she’s heard you swear before- probably in front of your children. I am proud to use colorful language in my status updates and you should too! Fuckin’ stupidheads. Be yourself sisters, if they don’t like it they can. . .

  • Penbleth says:

    Come one now, you know the Facebook is the answer to all the world’s woes and the cure for sanity.

  • IASoupMama says:

    I have only once violated the Genteel facebook User’s Code of Honor. I did ask for people to vote for me ol’ blog. But not daily. And I did win the contest (Scholastic Parent and Child’s Best Humor Blog 2010). Neener, neener, neener…

  • Tershbango says:

    I quite enjoy the people who feel the need to post every bit of dirty laundry on Facebook.

    Er…wait…I guess that’s what I do in my blog. :(

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I prefer to do it on my blog. HOWEVER, not EVERYONE likes to do it there. Sometimes, it’s better to comment (hatefully) on my wall. For ALL to see!

      (thanks, my brother)

  • Brandon says:

    Sometimes you can use the powers of The Facebook for good and not evil… or sometimes you can do both as seen by Fun With Facebook.

    Oh, and good news! The Facebook will soon be obsolete, thanks to Google+! Blogger, social media, search engines, browsers, cell phones, what’s next?? I can’t wait for my google car! (coming in 2016, in CHROME of course…)

  • And where would we be without having seen those pictures of that one person you don’t really know and their cats? Love cat pictures. They are the BEST.

  • Joker_SATX says:

    Well, not to complicate matters but Google has thrown it’s hat in the ring with Google+. I am testing it right now. Do you want me to send you an invite?

  • Jack Adams says:

    Ummm… But without The Facebook, how will I get updates from my favorite products and brands like Target and Charmin?

    • badbadwebbis says:

      Why, simply follow them on Twitter and they can run all of the tweets you REALLY want to read right off the page! because it’s important to know that Target wants you to have a safe and festive 4th of July…

  • rachel says:

    I love facebook. I hate fake farms. Did you know that you can “hide” certain apps on facebook (or better yet, certain PEOPLE?)…so that their crap I mean, posts won’t show up on your wall or news feed or whatever it’s called.

  • Issa says:

    I’d like to add: I wonder which of my “friends” like water. Or diapers. Or Old Navy.

    I am not a fan of the facebook.

  • me says:

    I have to admit that I do love FB and I have been guilty of a couple of those things mentioned, but not all of them. Do I get points for that? *grins*

  • All of these are reasons that I am afraid of The Facebook. :)

  • If I have to read about one more “Second Grade Graduation,” one more wedding countdown, or one more announcement of someone’s bazillionth child with the fifth father, I might freak out. Drama, drama, drama. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Hide, hide, UNFRIEND.

  • Did you see that The Google is almost up with their own version of FB??? Gah!

  • Kelly says:

    You’ve forgotten to add in the FWD: FWD: emails, the bad luck if you don’t forward this on to eighty of your closest friends in 2.45678 seconds.

    Don’t get the bad lucks!

    You probably just delete them don’t you?

    I’ll forward you one…I’m sure that I’ve got one in my inbox somewhere from somebody…

  • I really really hate those repost if you agrees messages.

    “I know you’re not going to tell all of your friends that you hate cancer, cuz you’re a fucking jerk. Just like all the other god hating welfare losers taking up all a my hard earned tax money!”

  • Sarah P says:

    Amen.

  • Nico says:

    Oh, I can’t write a sentence on Facebook without silently (but violently) thanking Mark Fuckerberg for that fact that every third word I type flips a pop-up in my face nagging me to tag a friend whose name somewhat resembles the word I’m using.

    Who knew it could be so fun to never be able to write “There” without Facebook INSISTING I tag my friend Theresa. Theresa wants to see what I wrote! She does!

    Then there’s the really fun aspect of friend tagging: the accidental, didn’t-know-I-tagged-ya-cuz-I-was-just-fucking-typing-for-chrissakes tag. That dazzling moment when you realize you’ve tagged a random old high school classmate you never really spoke or speak to (and have no reason to) named James, because you were typing too quickly to your actual friend James, and Facebook knew life would be WAY more fun if that dude you always thought needed to use a q-tip was alerted to your conversation about a dog turd you found in a cabinet.

    Facebook knows best, amirite?

  • jess says:

    When I go to Facebook, it’s to laugh at the “emo” lyrics my fellow acne factories post for statuses.

    Or like, stalk a random hot guy and use his profile picture as an…um, sex aid.

    Facebook is ALMOST like online shopping for a new boyfriend or personal sex toy.

  • wtfinmontana says:

    This stuff all made me laugh so hard!!! I have to share it on The Facebook now. But I have to say, although this stuff is all funny and I know people who do it, I still love them or they wouldn’t be my facebook “friend”.

  • badbadwebbis says:

    Why, simply follow them on Twitter and they can run all of the tweets you REALLY want to read right off the page! because it’s important to know that Target wants you to have a safe and festive 4th of July…

  • Tracy says:

    I got so mad about the purse game, because everyone said in the PRIVATE messages, that it was to promote breast cancer awareness. However, NO ONE said anything publicly about it. So what did I do? I made a post that basically said, hey, instead of talking about purses, let’s do a self-check, maybe drive a friend to a mammogram, call our mom and remind her to self-check or go get a mammogram. And people got mad at me. Said I wasn’t fun.

  • I’ve also never thought “Thank you for having a private fight between lovers on Facebook, and now letting me see all the making up as well.”

  • Sarah says:

    Has any one else been getting a warning when they click a link to a page outside of Facebook. Irritating and I can’t hide, block or unfriend it.
    But I won’t quit. who would I talk to all day? My kids? Ha!

  • Val Payne says:

    I love my pink cow infested fake farm.

  • liz says:

    HILARIOUS!

  • Oh, Tom from MySpace really *was* everyone’s friend, wasn’t he?

  • Marta
    Twitter: marta28
    says:

    I’m totally with you on the separate email addresses thing and now they’ve changed it and made it even more like email. Its also annoying that while I get the message notification in my gmail I have to go to the facebook to respond all in the name of Mark Zuckerberg!

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