0) Rebranding myself a “social media maven.”
1) Listening to John C. Mayer croon about my body being a wonderland.
1) Decoding passive aggressive Facebook status updates into anagrams about zombies.
2) Finding that bitch Carmen Sandiego.
3) Eating mayonnaise by the spoonful.
5) Trying to figure out why my phones have been tapped.
8) Blogging about my fake dead cat Mr. Sprinkles.
13) Watching a cooking show without rolling my eyes and/or trying to poke out my eyeballs with a spoon.
21) Understanding the origins of the word “teh.”
34) Bathing a light socket with my tongue.
55) Retaking Calc 3.
89) Trying to figure out Pinterest and StumbleUpon
144) Delivering a baby in the back of a moving taxi (or city bus) using only a 12×14 box, a blue felt-tipped pen, and a strawberry Starburst.
233) Dressing in a giant squirrel costume, occasionally throwing myself into the road to signify “roadkill” or “the denigration of society and it’s inhumane treatment of roadkill.”
377) Traveling from office to office delivering singing telegrams to unwitting executives.
610) Becoming an interpretive dancer. See also, “SOMEONE DO A DANCE AS A SALAD! QUICK! YOU’RE THE LETTUCE. NOW YOU’RE THE TOMATO!”
987) Rewatching Season Three of Glee: Who Gives A Shit About Plot? LET’S DANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
1597) Listening to anything ever produced by Katy Perry and/or Avril Lavigne.
So what’s new with YOU, Pranksters? TELL ME ALL THE THINGS!