It’s clear that I’m not very smart.
Shit, I got myself drunk on almond extract for weeks before I realized that I was, in fact, doing so. I regularly walk into walls. I’m hopelessly convinced that I’m going to live my life married to men from television. I write a blog on the Internet.
But I do understand some things – not many, but still.
What follows is a list of things that continue to baffle me – keep me up all night, tossing and turning as I try to comprehend them.
0) Why Jimmy Wales didn’t realize that putting a picture of his minions directly under the title of the page was a bad fucking idea.
1) Why anyone still uses Internet Explorer.
1) Why Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t have it’s own reality show. I’d watch that shit.
2) Why The Fresh Beat Band ditched the cute redhead and replaced her with another not-as-cute redhead like kids are too stupid to notice that they are not the same person.
3) MySpace. It’s as bad as saying you still use your Friendster account. PS. this is mine: Myspace.com/hotterthanyourwife
5) Why are sausage links so much tastier than sausage patties?
8 ) Why is the word “patty” so vomit-inducing?
13) Why was the Homeland season finale so lackluster?
21) How did Glee go from being a fresh, snarky show to a very short LifeTime Movie of the Week?
34) Why do people walk around with their blue douche headsets in all of the time?
55) How orange can be both a color and a flavor while purple cannot. Purple should be a flavor, dammit!
89) Whatever happened to that gigantic Kool-Aid pitcher who was all, “OOOOOH YEAH?” Sidebar: I think I’m gonna be him for Halloween next year.
144) Why disco went out of style. Disco is for LIFE.
Okay, so Pranksters, your turn: what don’t YOU understand?