It’s clear that I’m not very smart.

Shit, I got myself drunk on almond extract for weeks before I realized that I was, in fact, doing so. I regularly walk into walls. I’m hopelessly convinced that I’m going to live my life married to men from television. I write a blog on the Internet.

But I do understand some things – not many, but still.

What follows is a list of things that continue to baffle me – keep me up all night, tossing and turning as I try to comprehend them.

0) Why Jimmy Wales didn’t realize that putting a picture of his minions directly under the title of the page was a bad fucking idea.

See also:

1) Why anyone still uses Internet Explorer.

1) Why Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t have it’s own reality show. I’d watch that shit.

2) Why The Fresh Beat Band ditched the cute redhead and replaced her with another not-as-cute redhead like kids are too stupid to notice that they are not the same person.

3) MySpace. It’s as bad as saying you still use your Friendster account. PS. this is mine: Myspace.com/hotterthanyourwife

5) Why are sausage links so much tastier than sausage patties?

8 ) Why is the word “patty” so vomit-inducing?

13) Why was the Homeland season finale so lackluster?

21) How did Glee go from being a fresh, snarky show to a very short LifeTime Movie of the Week?

34) Why do people walk around with their blue douche headsets in all of the time?

55) How orange can be both a color and a flavor while purple cannot. Purple should be a flavor, dammit!

89) Whatever happened to that gigantic Kool-Aid pitcher who was all, “OOOOOH YEAH?” Sidebar: I think I’m gonna be him for Halloween next year.

144) Why disco went out of style. Disco is for LIFE.

Okay, so Pranksters, your turn: what don’t YOU understand?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

104 Responses to Things I Will Never Understand

  • That guy’s face is screaming “I leave my blue douche headset in always!!!”. Look at his intense eyes. He probably talks on the damned thing when he’s in line at Target and puts his finger up when the cashier tries to tell him how much money he needs to give him/her. O yes.

    I have that guy PEGGED.

  • No, Georgio Tsoukalos’s hair is what baffles me. The Trump is rich and doesn’t give a shit. But Georgio? He does tv shows about how aliens in History. There is a freaking Facebook page dedicated to it. I might be a member.

    I also don’t understand the always Klassy Kardashians. At all. Are you with me?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Omg. Yes. YES!

    • Mrs. One Day says:

      No kidding! What the hell is with them spelling everything with a fucking K?? Hey bitches! There’s another letter…it’s called a ‘c’! How about trying it out!

      • Ruth says:

        HA! I can’t say much because our whole family is C’s. FIL-Curtis, Hubby-Clinton Cody, First son- Colton Carter, second son-Corbin. So ya. And our last name starts with a C.

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          I got the “A’s” in my family. I think it’s okay to have SOME first initial, but I don’t call my house, “Aunt Becky’s Amazing Awesome xxx.”

        • Mrs. One Day says:

          Yeah but I’m sure you spell regular words that have a ‘k’ sound with a ‘k’ right? I mean you don’t go around writing. ‘Hey Cool-Aid Man! You’re the cing of cicking ass!” Do you? I swear the Kardashians do that…only opposite. Yeah. You know what i mean! Hahaha!

  • Elizabeth says:

    This is is phenomenal! and i could not agree more.

    ) vomit-induced word – Panty
    Links are better than patties
    Homeland – SER on the final episode, but LOVE!
    love your Myspace name!

    Looking forward to following you!

    E.

  • 1. The numbering system on this blog.
    2. IE -why the fuck do people use it? It’s like having an AOL account, or writing a real letter.
    3. Why ex husbands can’t just quietly disappear into the ether.
    4. The insane # of channels on cable and there’s still nothing I actually want to watch.
    5. Why people in horror movies always, and will continue to, ignore the obvious theme music.
    6. Sparkly vampires who can be in the sun. What the fuck? What happened to REAL vampires?

  • ArykaNotErika says:

    Nikki Minaj. I do not understand Nikki Minaj. Add also, Excel, hair feathers, Jersey Shore, gefilte fish and cricket.

  • Barbara says:

    I saw a hefty man dressed as Hey Kool-Aid at a race I ran on New Year’s Day. I also saw a woman with a 3 ft tall afro…..sadly it was not real but I took my picture with her anyway.

  • bschooled says:

    I wonder why Jimmy Wales minions seem to get homelier and homelier. The last time I logged into Wikipedia, I could have sworn I saw Nick Nolte’s mugshot…

  • I don’t understand pedicures. I don’t like people touching my feet. And I have a hard time imagining it being someone’s job to do that all day.

  • Melissa says:

    Why do they call driveways driveways when they are meant for parking, but the Parkways are meant for driving.

    Also, how you could POSSIBLY like links better then patties. Patties fit on sandwiches better, you can get them more well done. They are just more practical dammit. And no CASING. Casing is just gross.

  • Sheena says:

    1. Why the over head kitchen light being left on drives me insane, while I can leave the sink light on 24/7 and there’s always dishes in the sink to terrorize me on sight…
    2. Why my kids don’t take the very first “goodnight I love you sweet dreams” and kisses and run with that shit right to dreamland. Instead they make me say it 987 more times until I’ve freaked out on them and they cry themselves to sleep!
    3. Why the smell of feet make me irrationally angry.
    4. Why I can still facebook stupid statuses but can’t seem to blog anymore.
    5. Why I can’t drink beer. Its got to be cheaper than liquor but I can’t stomach it.
    6. Why I always lose one flip flop. I got two feet and you’d think I would take them off at the same time.

    • Devan says:

      LOL, I LOVE your #2 Sheena! I say this to my daughter, “would you like me to scream it at you like you want me to do most other things?” UGH, Im being nice you be nice and I will be nice back, see how this works, 5 year old?

      MMMMMMM, beer……
      *wipes drool from chin*

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My guess is that the flipflops are left on the side of the road somewhere for me to say, “Where the hell did that shoe come from?

  • Deb Menard says:

    The numbers on this list. I like numbers, even find comfort in them sometimes. They’re always just what they are…1, 2, 3, 4 – they don’t change. Unless your crazy, drunk off almond extract self gets a chance to make a list!!
    Why are they letting you make lists anyway!!???
    Doesn’t the sausage factory have rules against things like that??

  • Grace says:

    Sauerkraut. I don’t get it.

  • magpie says:

    233) Why do men (it’s always men) buy baseball caps, like major league baseball caps, the kind that are actually sized to your head, and then leave the big plastic tag stuck over the entire bill of the hat? Broadcasting your hat size? Is hat size related to …. ?

  • Grace says:

    Oh, an why it is that we’re supposed to care who celebrities are voting for. I really don’t give a crap who JimBob Dugger is planning on voting for in the 2012 election.

  • Melissa says:

    I also dont understand how people cant get away from zombies. They are SOOO slow. Like Frankenstein slow. WTF? You can just walk fast and get away from friggen zombies!

  • gorillabuns says:

    I don’t get why I keep gaining weight when I don’t eat much. Just drink cocktails. Monster and Vodka’s not fattening.

    I don’t get how the older I get the more stupid my friends become and more and more jail sounds like a pleasant alternative in not having to listen to them.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    I don’t understand how men can hit a tiny hole in the dark (this refers to teh sex), and yet they can’t fucking hit a hole the size of a toilet with the light on (and therefore they piss all over the bathroom)

  • nikkiana says:

    1) To make my life miserable. But at least I’m not supporting IE6 anymore.

    8) Except for when preceded by peppermint.

    34) Because said douchecanoes are always fucking working.

  • Andrea says:

    I don’t understand why common courtesy is so uncommon.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You’d think we should call it “uncommon courtesy” now. I’m a big fan of saying “THANKS” really loudly when someone doesn’t hold the door for me.

  • Mayor Gia says:

    How they make wine to be so flipping delicious.

    And why would anyone pay for an email address? GMAIL PEOPLE. GMAIL.

  • Caroline says:

    I ran into a guy at Wal-Fart wearing a douche tooth and snorted so loudly as I passed by I almost choked.

    And I don’t understand how my kid can be a bigger smart ass than me.

  • Haven says:

    “I got myself drunk on almond extract for weeks ”

    ::laughs:: Is this even possible? You’d have to drink a ton!

    P.S. What’s up with the Fibonacci Sequence numbering?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oddly, not that much extract. And the Fibonacci sequence is just kinda rad. I do mix it up with other number sequences, but not often. Probably because I’m drunk on almond extract.

  • Missy says:

    Why do people continue to type/write/express themselves in ebonics and/or text speak when not texting? I h8 dat shit.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    I’ve never understood how nougat can be so many things at once. The nougat inside a snickers, forexample, looks nothing like the nougat inside a Charleston Chew. What gives?

    Also? Why aren’t more people pondering things like this:

    5) Why are sausage links so much tastier than sausage patties?

    Patties totally suck.

  • Mike says:

    I have to sit through the fresh beat band frequently and the old marina was hot. New marina? Nope. Dads have to watch this shit, too. What about us, nickelodeon? Damn it!!

  • Mrs. One Day says:

    I don’t understand why 99% of people find Angelina Jolie beautiful. She is really not attractive in my opinion.

    I also don’t understand how to ‘create a page’ for my ‘fans’ (cough: all 11 of them. Each of which I appreciate more than they know). I swear I must be an idiot because I don’t get it. Grrr… That and not knowing how to make my blog look professional and nice, keep me up at night.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Creating a page is bullshit. I made one years ago. NOTHING goes on it.

      Also: Angelina is a insufferable wench.

      • Mrs. One Day says:

        She married Brad Pitt and we’re supposed to believe that she’s not that crazy bitch (who was infinitely more interesting) that wore a vial of blood around her neck and made out with her brother. Sorry…I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid on that one. (Kool-Aid keeps making an appearance in this post).

        So is it even worth it for me to figure out how to make the damn fb page?

  • kate murphy says:

    re: the fresh beat band.
    i don’t understand either.. marina was a staple and easily my favorite.
    on another note, do you remember when they first started out and they were the jumparounds?? and only on the “let’s make music” segment on nick jr/noggin? i was super upset when i found out they were the “fresh beat band” instead because to me “the jumparounds” is just such a fun name. much more catchy.

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    The Kool-Aid Man is working for a Big Box Store in Alberta, Canada. I know because I used to work with him. Red shirt and all.

  • ande davis says:

    I don’t get how Biz Markie a) had a top 40 hit 20 years ago, and b) doesn’t have one right now.

  • alfred lives here
    Twitter: alfredliveshere
    says:

    Ooh, such a good list, I totally hate those douche-y headsets. You’re not that important, people…aargh.

    And as much as Donald Trump’s hair, not sure I would watch the show. It scares me. Like “Saw” horror flick scares me.

  • Ruth says:

    I don’t understand why COPS are always driving around ON THEIR PHONE. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE AND DO YOUR JOB!

    I don’t understand why there is so little compassion in the world.
    I don’t understand why it’s okay for TWELVE year olds to dress like SLUTS but yet it is “offensive” for women to breastfeed their child.
    I don’t understand why Two and a Half men is so fucking popular. It fucking sucks.
    I don’t understand HOW How I Met Your Mother is still on TV. It also fucking sucks.
    I don’t understand how you can get drunk on almond extract??? LOL

  • Libby says:

    My daughter thinks purple is a flavor. She also thinks blue is an outfit… She’s right on both accounts.

  • Jessica says:

    Work makes me use IE5. We’re not allowed to download something better and it daily makes me wanna punch someone right in the baby maker.

    Other things I don’t get: LinkedIn, chocolate diamonds (they’re shitty brown ones people!), why people think a phone that breaks when dropped and has spawned a zillion “iphone hospitals” is the best thing on the market, and the return of legwarmers.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That’s what Daver’s old work did, too. But then I started having to work on web stuff, and every time you make a site, fucking IE looks fucked up, so I get a zillion “your site looks like shit on IE” and then I pull my hair out.

  • Devan says:

    Wait….what?

    Marina is a different girl now? How did I not notice this? I love the Fresh Beat Band an unnatural amount, I think I have a crush on the boy my daughter calls “the yellow guy”.

    I don’t get why FB does not have a dislike button, or a WTFC button. (Who the F* Cares – I don’t say the F word, but I so enjoy it when you do, AB!)

  • Dr. Cynicism says:

    Fabulous list! And consequently, I have now added “blue douche” to my mental vocabulary — thanks for that.

  • I don’t understand why every job doesn’t come with a roll of bubble wrap.

  • Meredith says:

    I don’t understand why hemroids are called hemroids and as(s)teroids are called as(s)teroids. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

  • I think orange is a flavor and a color because it’s a fruit and a color. But blue is a flavor, right? It totally is. I don’t understand why dating games must be played. Someone just told me to read the book The Rules. Seriously? It’s 2012

  • Jennifer June
    Twitter: theladyslounge
    says:

    “Why is the word “patty” so vomit-inducing?”

    – Pork Fat + The redhead kid on Charlie Brown + Expired waxy chocolate disk filled with minty cream = Patty.

    Does that help?

    Also, I don’t know where you live but at our house, Purple totally is a flavour.

  • Jacinta says:

    What I CAN tell you is that people who wear Bluetooths (blueteeth?) all the time are probably Cybermen.

    DELETE DELETE DELETE.

  • HeatherS says:

    The original Marina got married and left the show. I don’t know why they didn’t just get a new girl either. The boys names are Twist and Shout. I also find something very strange about that.
    I don’t understand why my kids wake up in the night to use the bathroom and they come downstairs to do it. There is a perfectly fine bathroom right upstairs next to their bedrooms. They don’t even say anything to me. They zip down, run to the bathroom and go back up. Why, people, why? That’s all,.

  • Al_Pal says:

    I always ask at restaurants what form the sausage is in.
    As Bourdain says: meat in tube form, people.

    Fibonacci rules. ;p

  • Becky says:

    I wondered about the Fresh Beat readhead too…..apparently she left the show to get married….

  • Jenbug says:

    Yeah, I’m with Jennifer June on this one. Here in my red-neck of the woods, purple is a flavor. So are yellow, green, and red. You done gone cray-cray if you think they’re not.

    • Nikki says:

      I believe also that scents are allowed to be referred to as flavors… “What flavor body spray are you wearing, it smells good.” “Why, it’s cucumber melon, thanks for asking.” if the scent was skanky slut smell, i wouldn’t ask about its ‘flavor’, but when its an obvious food type scent, its a frickin flavor!!

  • Nikki says:

    I don’t understand… Jersey Shore. Algebra. why my husband bitches when the dishes in the dishwasher don’t come clean, yet he never rinses his dishes. How spiders are “good”. why my daughter must own 5 million toys smaller than a dime. why my 4 year old son is smart enough to operate every electronic in the house, but randomly leaves turds on the floor. why all my friends who think they are the smartest person alive, cannot spell simple 2nd grade words, like sentence or possible.

  • Kristin (@atyourcervix78) says:

    1) why I am obsessed with the TV show intervention.
    2) why my daughter or any child for that matter refuses to listen or respect me
    3) why Natalie Portman became an actress and not a rapper (see Natalie’s Rap on The Lonely Island’s album Incredibad for evidence)
    4) why it’s 3:10 pm and I haven’t started drinking yet. (on a school holiday nonetheless)
    Obviously, there are more. These are just fresh in
    My
    Mind.

  • Cousin J says:

    When you drink a quart of vodka you don’t remember that you cleaned out the taco truck. Or that you even went to the taco truck!

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