It’s clear that I’m not very smart.

Shit, I got myself drunk on almond extract for weeks before I realized that I was, in fact, doing so. I regularly walk into walls. I’m hopelessly convinced that I’m going to live my life married to men from television. I write a blog on the Internet.

But I do understand some things – not many, but still.

What follows is a list of things that continue to baffle me – keep me up all night, tossing and turning as I try to comprehend them.

0) Why Jimmy Wales didn’t realize that putting a picture of his minions directly under the title of the page was a bad fucking idea.

See also:

1) Why anyone still uses Internet Explorer.

1) Why Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t have it’s own reality show. I’d watch that shit.

2) Why The Fresh Beat Band ditched the cute redhead and replaced her with another not-as-cute redhead like kids are too stupid to notice that they are not the same person.

3) MySpace. It’s as bad as saying you still use your Friendster account. PS. this is mine:

5) Why are sausage links so much tastier than sausage patties?

8 ) Why is the word “patty” so vomit-inducing?

13) Why was the Homeland season finale so lackluster?

21) How did Glee go from being a fresh, snarky show to a very short LifeTime Movie of the Week?

34) Why do people walk around with their blue douche headsets in all of the time?

55) How orange can be both a color and a flavor while purple cannot. Purple should be a flavor, dammit!

89) Whatever happened to that gigantic Kool-Aid pitcher who was all, “OOOOOH YEAH?” Sidebar: I think I’m gonna be him for Halloween next year.

144) Why disco went out of style. Disco is for LIFE.

Okay, so Pranksters, your turn: what don’t YOU understand?

104 thoughts on “Things I Will Never Understand

  1. That guy’s face is screaming “I leave my blue douche headset in always!!!”. Look at his intense eyes. He probably talks on the damned thing when he’s in line at Target and puts his finger up when the cashier tries to tell him how much money he needs to give him/her. O yes.

    I have that guy PEGGED.

  2. No, Georgio Tsoukalos’s hair is what baffles me. The Trump is rich and doesn’t give a shit. But Georgio? He does tv shows about how aliens in History. There is a freaking Facebook page dedicated to it. I might be a member.

    I also don’t understand the always Klassy Kardashians. At all. Are you with me?

      1. HA! I can’t say much because our whole family is C’s. FIL-Curtis, Hubby-Clinton Cody, First son- Colton Carter, second son-Corbin. So ya. And our last name starts with a C.

        1. Yeah but I’m sure you spell regular words that have a ‘k’ sound with a ‘k’ right? I mean you don’t go around writing. ‘Hey Cool-Aid Man! You’re the cing of cicking ass!” Do you? I swear the Kardashians do that…only opposite. Yeah. You know what i mean! Hahaha!

  3. This is is phenomenal! and i could not agree more.

    ) vomit-induced word – Panty
    Links are better than patties
    Homeland – SER on the final episode, but LOVE!
    love your Myspace name!

    Looking forward to following you!


  4. 1. The numbering system on this blog.
    2. IE -why the fuck do people use it? It’s like having an AOL account, or writing a real letter.
    3. Why ex husbands can’t just quietly disappear into the ether.
    4. The insane # of channels on cable and there’s still nothing I actually want to watch.
    5. Why people in horror movies always, and will continue to, ignore the obvious theme music.
    6. Sparkly vampires who can be in the sun. What the fuck? What happened to REAL vampires?

      1. It’s clear that you are much smarter than you want to share…fibonacci sequence indeed….lol…only you, dear Aunt Becky. Love it!

        Oh, and banks…I don’t understand how those guys are not all doing time in federal prison…and not the nice, posh ones. 😉

    1. In regards to your #3, my ex did!! Feel free to be jealous! Every time I think about it, I have the urge to dance around singing my own version of Ding Dong the Witch is Dead! I’m happy to say I don’t know where he is or what he’s up to.

      #6 – really. What is that??

  5. Nikki Minaj. I do not understand Nikki Minaj. Add also, Excel, hair feathers, Jersey Shore, gefilte fish and cricket.

    1. She frightens me. Put me in a dark alley with thugs any day. I’ll tell ’em to eat my dick.

      The moment we bring Nikki Minaj out, I’ll cower in terror. Bitch scares the fuck outta me.

    2. LOL – Excel! How come some time the cell will blink with the little lines and when you try to make it stop lots of equal signs and numbers start building in that cell?!?!?!

  6. I saw a hefty man dressed as Hey Kool-Aid at a race I ran on New Year’s Day. I also saw a woman with a 3 ft tall afro…..sadly it was not real but I took my picture with her anyway.

  7. Why do they call driveways driveways when they are meant for parking, but the Parkways are meant for driving.

    Also, how you could POSSIBLY like links better then patties. Patties fit on sandwiches better, you can get them more well done. They are just more practical dammit. And no CASING. Casing is just gross.

  8. 1. Why the over head kitchen light being left on drives me insane, while I can leave the sink light on 24/7 and there’s always dishes in the sink to terrorize me on sight…
    2. Why my kids don’t take the very first “goodnight I love you sweet dreams” and kisses and run with that shit right to dreamland. Instead they make me say it 987 more times until I’ve freaked out on them and they cry themselves to sleep!
    3. Why the smell of feet make me irrationally angry.
    4. Why I can still facebook stupid statuses but can’t seem to blog anymore.
    5. Why I can’t drink beer. Its got to be cheaper than liquor but I can’t stomach it.
    6. Why I always lose one flip flop. I got two feet and you’d think I would take them off at the same time.

    1. LOL, I LOVE your #2 Sheena! I say this to my daughter, “would you like me to scream it at you like you want me to do most other things?” UGH, Im being nice you be nice and I will be nice back, see how this works, 5 year old?

      MMMMMMM, beer……
      *wipes drool from chin*

  9. The numbers on this list. I like numbers, even find comfort in them sometimes. They’re always just what they are…1, 2, 3, 4 – they don’t change. Unless your crazy, drunk off almond extract self gets a chance to make a list!!
    Why are they letting you make lists anyway!!???
    Doesn’t the sausage factory have rules against things like that??

  10. 233) Why do men (it’s always men) buy baseball caps, like major league baseball caps, the kind that are actually sized to your head, and then leave the big plastic tag stuck over the entire bill of the hat? Broadcasting your hat size? Is hat size related to …. ?

  11. Oh, an why it is that we’re supposed to care who celebrities are voting for. I really don’t give a crap who JimBob Dugger is planning on voting for in the 2012 election.

  12. I also dont understand how people cant get away from zombies. They are SOOO slow. Like Frankenstein slow. WTF? You can just walk fast and get away from friggen zombies!

  13. I don’t get why I keep gaining weight when I don’t eat much. Just drink cocktails. Monster and Vodka’s not fattening.

    I don’t get how the older I get the more stupid my friends become and more and more jail sounds like a pleasant alternative in not having to listen to them.

  14. I don’t understand how men can hit a tiny hole in the dark (this refers to teh sex), and yet they can’t fucking hit a hole the size of a toilet with the light on (and therefore they piss all over the bathroom)

  15. 1) To make my life miserable. But at least I’m not supporting IE6 anymore.

    8) Except for when preceded by peppermint.

    34) Because said douchecanoes are always fucking working.

  16. I ran into a guy at Wal-Fart wearing a douche tooth and snorted so loudly as I passed by I almost choked.

    And I don’t understand how my kid can be a bigger smart ass than me.

  17. “I got myself drunk on almond extract for weeks ”

    ::laughs:: Is this even possible? You’d have to drink a ton!

    P.S. What’s up with the Fibonacci Sequence numbering?

  18. I’ve never understood how nougat can be so many things at once. The nougat inside a snickers, forexample, looks nothing like the nougat inside a Charleston Chew. What gives?

    Also? Why aren’t more people pondering things like this:

    5) Why are sausage links so much tastier than sausage patties?

    Patties totally suck.

  19. I have to sit through the fresh beat band frequently and the old marina was hot. New marina? Nope. Dads have to watch this shit, too. What about us, nickelodeon? Damn it!!

  20. I don’t understand why 99% of people find Angelina Jolie beautiful. She is really not attractive in my opinion.

    I also don’t understand how to ‘create a page’ for my ‘fans’ (cough: all 11 of them. Each of which I appreciate more than they know). I swear I must be an idiot because I don’t get it. Grrr… That and not knowing how to make my blog look professional and nice, keep me up at night.

      1. She married Brad Pitt and we’re supposed to believe that she’s not that crazy bitch (who was infinitely more interesting) that wore a vial of blood around her neck and made out with her brother. Sorry…I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid on that one. (Kool-Aid keeps making an appearance in this post).

        So is it even worth it for me to figure out how to make the damn fb page?

  21. re: the fresh beat band.
    i don’t understand either.. marina was a staple and easily my favorite.
    on another note, do you remember when they first started out and they were the jumparounds?? and only on the “let’s make music” segment on nick jr/noggin? i was super upset when i found out they were the “fresh beat band” instead because to me “the jumparounds” is just such a fun name. much more catchy.

  22. Ooh, such a good list, I totally hate those douche-y headsets. You’re not that important, people…aargh.

    And as much as Donald Trump’s hair, not sure I would watch the show. It scares me. Like “Saw” horror flick scares me.

  23. I don’t understand why COPS are always driving around ON THEIR PHONE. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE AND DO YOUR JOB!

    I don’t understand why there is so little compassion in the world.
    I don’t understand why it’s okay for TWELVE year olds to dress like SLUTS but yet it is “offensive” for women to breastfeed their child.
    I don’t understand why Two and a Half men is so fucking popular. It fucking sucks.
    I don’t understand HOW How I Met Your Mother is still on TV. It also fucking sucks.
    I don’t understand how you can get drunk on almond extract??? LOL

  24. Work makes me use IE5. We’re not allowed to download something better and it daily makes me wanna punch someone right in the baby maker.

    Other things I don’t get: LinkedIn, chocolate diamonds (they’re shitty brown ones people!), why people think a phone that breaks when dropped and has spawned a zillion “iphone hospitals” is the best thing on the market, and the return of legwarmers.

    1. That’s what Daver’s old work did, too. But then I started having to work on web stuff, and every time you make a site, fucking IE looks fucked up, so I get a zillion “your site looks like shit on IE” and then I pull my hair out.

  25. Wait….what?

    Marina is a different girl now? How did I not notice this? I love the Fresh Beat Band an unnatural amount, I think I have a crush on the boy my daughter calls “the yellow guy”.

    I don’t get why FB does not have a dislike button, or a WTFC button. (Who the F* Cares – I don’t say the F word, but I so enjoy it when you do, AB!)

  26. I don’t understand why hemroids are called hemroids and as(s)teroids are called as(s)teroids. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

  27. I think orange is a flavor and a color because it’s a fruit and a color. But blue is a flavor, right? It totally is. I don’t understand why dating games must be played. Someone just told me to read the book The Rules. Seriously? It’s 2012

  28. “Why is the word “patty” so vomit-inducing?”

    – Pork Fat + The redhead kid on Charlie Brown + Expired waxy chocolate disk filled with minty cream = Patty.

    Does that help?

    Also, I don’t know where you live but at our house, Purple totally is a flavour.

  29. The original Marina got married and left the show. I don’t know why they didn’t just get a new girl either. The boys names are Twist and Shout. I also find something very strange about that.
    I don’t understand why my kids wake up in the night to use the bathroom and they come downstairs to do it. There is a perfectly fine bathroom right upstairs next to their bedrooms. They don’t even say anything to me. They zip down, run to the bathroom and go back up. Why, people, why? That’s all,.

  30. I always ask at restaurants what form the sausage is in.
    As Bourdain says: meat in tube form, people.

    Fibonacci rules. ;p

  31. Yeah, I’m with Jennifer June on this one. Here in my red-neck of the woods, purple is a flavor. So are yellow, green, and red. You done gone cray-cray if you think they’re not.

    1. I believe also that scents are allowed to be referred to as flavors… “What flavor body spray are you wearing, it smells good.” “Why, it’s cucumber melon, thanks for asking.” if the scent was skanky slut smell, i wouldn’t ask about its ‘flavor’, but when its an obvious food type scent, its a frickin flavor!!

  32. I don’t understand… Jersey Shore. Algebra. why my husband bitches when the dishes in the dishwasher don’t come clean, yet he never rinses his dishes. How spiders are “good”. why my daughter must own 5 million toys smaller than a dime. why my 4 year old son is smart enough to operate every electronic in the house, but randomly leaves turds on the floor. why all my friends who think they are the smartest person alive, cannot spell simple 2nd grade words, like sentence or possible.

  33. 1) why I am obsessed with the TV show intervention.
    2) why my daughter or any child for that matter refuses to listen or respect me
    3) why Natalie Portman became an actress and not a rapper (see Natalie’s Rap on The Lonely Island’s album Incredibad for evidence)
    4) why it’s 3:10 pm and I haven’t started drinking yet. (on a school holiday nonetheless)
    Obviously, there are more. These are just fresh in

  34. When you drink a quart of vodka you don’t remember that you cleaned out the taco truck. Or that you even went to the taco truck!

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