A Manifesto:

by Anti-Social Media Ignoramus, Your Aunt Becky:

1) I wonder what My Toothpaste Brand is doing today on The Twitter.

8 ) It’d be awesome to “connect on The Facebook” with a brand who sent out an automatically-generated Direct Message via The Twitter.

27) I should raise my numbers by following people on The Twitter, then unfollowing them so that I look extra-special*.

64) Why yes, I would like to run a contest so that one of my Pranksters can possibly win a five dollar box of chocolates!

125) Woah, I really should spend actual money on my fake Farmville Farm.

216) I bet if I retweet this, I WILL win a free iPad!

343) I am a “social media maven.”

512) I cannot WAIT to read more about my toilet paper on their Facebook page!

729) You mean I can win a product worth twelve bucks if I spam the hell out of my friends? SCORE! This RULES!

1000) What would Jesus tweet?

1331) I should tweet @Justin Beaver because I just know he’s going to reply one of these days. He’s probably writing a song about me as we speak.

1728) I bet everyone is going to love hearing what I had for lunch today.

2197) I can’t believe I got ousted as Mayor of My Ass on Four-Square.

2744) Man, this blog music is really swell.

3375) I should tweet my blog post every hour on the hour just in case someone missed it.

4096) It’s impossible for two people to have the same idea for a tweet, therefore someone is stealing my tweets.

4913) There are not nearly enough blogs pontificating about the under-representation of kumquats in today’s social media.

5832) I should take myself MORE seriously.

*I don’t actually know why people do this.

79 thoughts on “Things I Have Never Thought While Using Social Media

        1. Yeah. I had to have a talk with one of our media partners to explain that the new share bookmarklets are neato, but that maybe myspace shouldn’t be one of the _featured_ share buttons. How much longer until myspace = kiss of death for social media branding efforts?

          1. When I see something about Myspace on someone’s blog or profile, I laugh and then run away from them as fast as I can.

            Same goes with auto-play music on a site. Or even worse, auto-play videos, because those are loud and they slow down an already slow computer.

        2. Well, oddly enough, there *is* one purpose still for MySpace. But unless you’re an unsigned indie band, or search them out, then bet you’re not gonna spend too much time there. And NO ONE hits anyone up there….

    1. YES. IT. SHOULD. Especially when I forget I’ve got my speakers on and I almost fling my mouse across the room because of the unexpected sound. Bastards.

        1. Stick a lot of cheap toilet paper on their ass. Oh, hell, there must be a good Klingon pun somewhere here. I guess I’m not nerdy enough to surface it.

        2. Stick a lot of cheap toilet paper on their ass. Oh, hell, there must be a good Klingon pun somewhere here. I guess I’m not nerdy enough to surface it.

  1. Hey – I know someone who made it her life’s mission to get @bobsaget to @ her back. She hounded him & hounded him. He did @ her, right before he filed the restraining order . . . so now her life is complete.

    I really don’t get the “randomly get followed” and then the “even more randomly get un-followed” action by bots . . . although not all are bots, some appear to be real honest people. So, when I see the unfollow, I do take a second to wonder if it was something I said.

      1. I didn’t mean to hurt any feelings here. The @bobsaget story is a real one, and was quite funny as it played out, with a fake restraining order delivered to Twitter via tweet.

        But, I’m realizing that a half-assed retell of one half of the story was, at best, full of holes.

        Sorry if I hurt your feelings there. It, seriously, was the furthest from my intentions.

  2. Ok, my ass was laughed off, thanks to the “What would Jesus tweet?” comment. I just finished posting my “it’s the end of the world” post, and your quip was the icing on the cake.

    I have about 550 people following my blog now. Is it too soon to buy the “On the internet, I’m famous” tshit? If so, what’s the magic number? I know I’m not ‘chocolate rain’ yet, but cmon…

    10 out of 10 for this post. ๐Ÿ˜€

  3. You make me laugh. So you make my life complete. Forget my husband Aunt Becky completes me. But I must admit I am guilty of some of these but I can’t remember which ones. I am pretty sure the lunch one is one of the because like Jessica said I am pretty sure people care what I eat, hell I am so narcissistic I am pretty sure everyone cares about EVERYTHING I do ALL the time. And I @ people cause again I believe the care what I have to say hello it’s ME ha ha. And the people that unfollow me just can’t handle exactly how AMAZING my narcissism truly is, or I am thankyouverymuch.

  4. I follow a lot of foodies on Twitter because I like knowing what people have for lunch. My lunch making skillz suck ass big time & I like the ideas I get. But as to the rest, especially the music. (OMG I want to throttle people who still have music on their blogs)

    1. OK, I must confess, I have music on one of my blogs. But it’s a blog about music. And none of it starts automatically, and it’s all stuff embedded in a related post. So that doesn’t count, right?

      Otherwise, I totally agree. Because I literally just about peed in my chair one night, because while I always always always always leave my speakers turned all the way down (because of ads that start blaring automatically and scare me to death), my dear sweet not-exactly-a-boyfriend does not. It served him right that it was during one of my 3 a.m. I’m really trying to be quiet & not wake you up but I have insomnia surfing sessions.

  5. Wow, I kinda forgot Twitter existed. Oh well, I am 100% positive that Twitter or anyone who followed my tweets misses my presence.

  6. Every time someone puts music on their blog and it blasts me in the ear buds as I happen upon it unawares (because, WHO DOES THAT?) I hope they realize that it forces me to kick a puppy. I don’t even have a puppy, so I have to go out and find puppies to kick, which seriously cuts into my neglecting my housework duties and making sarcastic comments to my husband habit.

    So – people … think of the puppies. I can’t imagine they like being kicked.

  7. Fabulous. How about “Yes, I MUST tweet and facebook this obituary for everyone else to enjoy” (they really do have the buttons on some, I swear!). I also really do not give a flying f what my favorite hot dog brand is doing this weekend nor do I care when acquaintances are “at the grocery store” or “home bored.”

    Thank God I’m not on twitter or my brain would melt from overload of purely useless crap. I must get off this computer.

    Cheers! VB

    1. I go back and forth with deleting Facebook. In the end, I figure it’s a Blog Reader and that’s how people use it, and that’s why I haven’t. It’s such garbage.

  8. Ouch, Aunt Becky. What would i do without to lead the way? (I hate blog music!!!! It wakes Mr. Sunday up when I think I am being sneaky and blog reading on the down-low)

  9. Can someone explain to me what this four square thing IS? I don’t understand and I learned not to click on any link from it ages ago. It’s highly annoying, I am about to start unfollowing people that I actually know and like.

    1. It tells people where you are. Or where you aren’t. You know, I’m checking in @ Strabucks in Venezuela. Please steal from my home. Ahem.

  10. I don’t get it either. If Apple sent me an iPad or iPhone – fine, I would sell them a blog post. Also, if someone gave me a free holiday or a car or something. But I really don’t get bloggers who will write a review of a cleaning product, just because they were sent it in the mail. I love my blog too much to sell it cheaply. (I’ve still not done anything sponsored. I once got offered a jewelry thing that may have looked promising, but meh.) (Steve Jobs – email me!)

  11. I love this list.

    Can I add: telling people that if I get just 2000 more followers today, I will have 2001 followers? Oh and asking everyone to RT it.

    Oh and the people who ONLY RT everyone else. Please, stay off twitter until you have an original thought.

  12. #27 is SPOT ON. And Oh yes, and the “I will only follow 8% of the folks who follow me. That way, I’ll look ‘exclusive’ and ‘special’, even though I’m no different than everyone.” I love those folks. You’re not that way. You’re six kinds of awesome. And three they haven’t classified yet.

    1. Is THAT why people do that? I don’t understand what the deal is with the follow/unfollow thing. All I know is that it makes me want to throat-punch Martha Stewart (what doesn’t?).

  13. Now that you mentioned it, I am truly interested in knowing “What would Jesus tweet?” I think “shut your whore mouth” is plausible.

  14. Finally, a numbering system that makes sense!!!

    Thanks, Aunt Becky!

    (sometimes I read your numbered lists and I get all fidgety that I can’t figure out the pattern)

    1. I get fidgety that I can’t figure out the pattern, too. But last time I checked, AB has no pattern.

      **makes note to do ALL of these things tomorrow to piss AB off**

  15. Not to disagree with Aunt Becky, but as someone who generally eats a peanut butter sandwich or nothing for lunch, I totally want to hear about stranger’s lunches. Also, a twit pic would be nice ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. I once mentioned on The Twitter how delightful my foot massager was that I was using. Yes, I realize it probably ranks right up there with lunch description. It was my introduction some twisted auto-follow thingy companies must have when their product is mentioned. I felt like I had been happily ambling down the street minding my own bidness and some close-talker lady popped out from behind a street corner and told me how glad she was I was enjoying that massager. Creepy.

  17. 1) I don’t know about toothpaste, but I’d like to send an angry reply to my dentist on Twitter (if it would be possible), who fucked with my facial nerve during a wisdom tooth and gave me a nice pain on top of the deal for a couple of weeks.

    8) It would be awesome to find an escort service (okay, a hooker, let’s cut the crap) and then ask to “connect on Facebook”.

    27) I have never learned how you can find who unfollowed you on Twitter. On an important sidetone though, I’m proud to be on your list “People I would hump” on Twitter.

    64) Yay, freebies! Hurray, giveaways! You know what you should do? Stop blogging your normal stuff, and just do contest. Like where people could win ugly ties, a year’s worth of tooth picks or something like that. Or a Snuggie! Remember that? Half blanket – half robe? Really convenient when spending three weeks on the sofa.

    125) Yes, totally. I’m thinking of getting a bank loan and putting that cash on Farmville. I mean, who doesn’t love digital sheep running across you laptop screen?! That’s the best thing ever!

    216) In theory: if you retweet a retweet, which then gets retreated, and probably even later will retweeted, would it be possible to getโ€ฆ four iPads? Or two iPad2s? Because, you know, one iPad2 is like worth of two normal iPads.

    343) So I have won you. I am known as social media “raven”.

    512) Me too! Toilet paper on Facebook, so cool. I’m still waiting for my garbage bag company and Q-tip provider to hop on the Facebook gravy train!

    729) Do it. Now. People will love that. Plus, you have major life-time opportunity here, which can significantly fire up your social maven career!!!

    1000) “Sorry, you’re at the wrong gate, Osama.” That seemed to be his latest tweet.

    1331) OMG I hate Bieber so much.

    1728) Not only that, but if you could tell what you had for dinner on last Tuesday? If you could make a whole new blog for your Tuesday dinners? An one for desserts? And definitely one for left-overs. You can’t beat that. Left-oversโ€ฆ that’s pretty interesting shit right there.

    2197) Refrigerator.

    2744) I’m thinking if it would possible, that the music would start already when you would type my blog address to Google. I hope Google does this in the upcoming months, because all their recent products have been really useful and cool.

    3375) That would be a very timely solution.

    4096) Call the Twitter police and inform that you have a possible robber in your property.

    4913) Yes, Social Media Empire Strikes Back. SM (As I like to put it, and please, please don’t mess it with S&M, that’s whole another media) is what my blog is all about.

    5832) Yes.

    *And thus ends my stupidest comment I have ever left on a blog. But it was worth it.

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