(scene: a chubby pregnant woman (CPW) in a large black ankle boot holds a squirming and naked toddler in the chilly October air. She walks as quickly as she can after a small, fox-like dog, who is avoiding being captured by darting back and forth across a busy road. She is followed by a small but wordy 7 year old, an older woman, who is presumably her mother, another 7 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. She looks miserable as she calls out to the dog)

CPW: “Auggie! Come here Auggie!” (she struggles through the neighbors lawn, where the dog is currently exploring just out of arms reach)

Rest of the cast: “Auggie, come here boy!” (in falsetto, what is supposed to be reassuring tones)

CPW (trying to keep any hint of anger from her voice): “Come on home, boy!”

Suddenly, the door to the house of the yard that they’re all occupying swings open. It’s a neighbor, one that CPW knows and tentatively likes. Hoping that perhaps the neighbor has a solution as to how to get an 11 pound dog who runs away back home, as her foot throbs painfully, CPW looks at the door hopefully.

Neighbor (mumbling through the screen) “…leash law.”

CPW (still smiling stupidly): “What’s that?”

Neighbor: “I SAID that there is a leash law.”

CPW (uncertainly): “I’m aware. But he escaped from my house.”

Neighbor (rolling eyes): “Well, there is a leash law.”

CPW (angry now, as she’d already been feeling badly about the dog roaming through the neighborhood): “I know this. We’re TRYING to catch him” (gestures wildly to the group of people behind her all trying to catch this wily dog).

Neighbor: “I’m sick of cleaning up dog shit on my lawn.”

CPW: “My dogs don’t go out front. They don’t do anything on your lawn.”

Neighbor (as though the change in emphasis is going to change the situation): “There is a leash law.”

CPW: “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO? THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT.”

(annoying stupid dog runs into the road, interrupting this discourse. The group follows the dog, still calling out in vain)

CPW glares openly at her neighbor as she hobbles after the dog, still wobbling around holding toddler and limping.

After another 20 minutes of following the dog through the neighborhood and calling out futilely, he is finally captured.

Now the question is what to do with this dog.

(end scene)

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

58 Responses to They’re The People That You Meet, When You’re Hobblin’ Down The Street

  • Ms. Moon says:

    You do not want to hear what I want to do with my dogs when things like this happen.

  • Betts says:

    Get some of the yummiest treats you can (bits of raw meat work great), and teach the dog to come when called. Every time he comes he gets a yummy treat… work in the house for awhile and then try outside. Don’t think I’m sanctimonious and self-congratulatory. I’ve got a dog that comes only when he’s not too interested in something else, like a trapped chipmunk or another dog he’s playing with. We’ve had a lot of improvement with the treat thing though. There’s nothing worse than a runaway dog…. you’re so afraid they’re going to get killed, so you want to catch them, but you’re so angry you could kill them yourself.

  • kbrients says:

    Oh girl, I can so feel that frusteration!!!

  • melanie says:

    what an uber dumbass neighbor……… I hate when that happens, it seems in my situation (my doggie is out of shape) that if i just wait at home she will be back in under 10 minutes BEGGING for her water bowl and a soft place to nap, but its hell. my dog also loves car rides, so i have on occasion pulled the car out of the garage and opened the door, once she jumped in.

    I am trying to work with my dog after watching some episodes of the dog whisperer, still thinking of writing in and hoping he will come visit. I would SOOO love to get her to stop the obnoxious 3 minutes of insanity that happens when someone walks in the house, its ridiculous (and she is 6 years old for goodness sake, shouldnt she have “grown” out of this)!

  • WD says:

    Your neighbor is a jerk.

  • kc says:

    Ummm Becky…how could you let your dog escape? There is a LEASH LAW. You are such an assbag.

    Aren’t neighbors fun?

  • giggleblue says:

    oh, how we love our pets so…. i swear we wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from any other living thing that lives with us… i swear.

    and just for the record, throwing out empty threats of youth-in-asia don’t work either, for dogs or cats.

    bastards. and mine really are, because they don’t have a man in their life.

  • erin says:

    what to do about the dog?? my bigger concern would be what to do about the a$$hole neighbour…..burning bag of dog doo might do the trick!!

  • Kristen says:

    Ack! Poor you! And your neighbour sucks!
    My recommendation is a big butterfly net!

  • Sara says:

    I think that (cough) someone (cough) should take the poo from ass hat neighbor’s yard, bag it for them, and then light it on fire, on their porch. Knock and then hobble away smiling. Making sure they see you.

    Not that I would ever do such a thing if the neighbor didn’t deserve it.

  • Brooke says:

    I say you make his new potty place your neighbors lawn. That’s what I would do with the dog. Oh, and give him some stool softeners. Ya…

  • I hate neighbors. What an asshole! They were apparently just waiting for this to happen so they could reprimand you for being SUCH a bad neighbor. Fucker.

  • mrs.spit says:

    Bad Neighbour. Bad. Bad.

    Go to your kennel.

    Bad

  • -seraphimred says:

    I cured my dog of this.
    I tied him outside every single time he had to do his business or just because…..for like a week.

    that in combination with the treat thing? Cured.

  • Deb says:

    Let him take a huge poop on the neighbors lawn and then reward him with sausage AND bacon.

    Sorry, was that out loud??

  • Em says:

    Do you guys have Mischief Night where you are? It’s usually celebrated Oct. 30. Find yourself a gaggle of teens in your neighborhood, pay them each $10, and have them experience the tradition – toilet paper and eggs are usually involved.

    Oh, that’s for the asshole next door – wow – I certainly hope they don’t need you to dial 911 for them any time soon.

    “3-1-1? 4-1-1? Sorry, I can’t seem to get it right…silly me, I seem to be all thumbs today. Oops, I think the flames have spread to the second floor.”

    As for the dog, so sorry, I have limited pet knowledge. Your experience is one of the reasons for that fact.

    Good vibes!! Em

  • El says:

    Give the dog to the neighbor and tell him it is a belated housewarming gift and go back to your house and lock the doors :)

  • OMG what an ass-hat neighbor!

    as far as getting the dog back..well, I have no clue..mine is a runner too..and his brains fall out of his ears when he does run away…sniff..pee…run…that is all he has room in his brain for..lol..

  • you take him for a walk on a leash and let him shit on the nasty neighbors lawn.

  • Julie says:

    I think you already got enough good suggestions on the dog thing. For the neighbor, I think OBVIOUSLY she needs to be signed up for a mind-boggling number of expensive magazine subscriptions. Preferably magazines about dogs.

  • birdpress says:

    Try one of those electric collars… The only trick is how to get it onto the neighbor without him knowing.

  • birdpress says:

    On a serious note, if a dog runs away when you chase after him (even at a walk) it will often come to you when you walk AWAY from it. Try calling him excitedly and clapping your hands as you run away from him to get him to chase you.

  • Badass Geek says:

    Shoot the neighbor and tie a 50-pound weight to the dog.

  • The Mommy says:

    Obviously, Auggie needs to poo on the neighbor’s lawn. However, I don’t think an 11-pound dog is going to make a dent in the amount of poo that he deserves. Don’t you have something bigger? And maybe you could empty the kitty litter there? Just sayin’.

  • Miss Grace says:

    You could pointedly ignore him, and hope that he feels snubbed, and therefore shamed?

  • lindz says:

    I would be so pissed at that stupid ass neighbor, I hate that stupid leash law, My friend can’t even have her dog out on the front porch without a damn leash, even with us sitting right there.

    some people just don’t get situations.

    ground the dog!!

  • Madame Yu See says:

    I’m sorry, I couln’t get passed the naked toddler in the chilly October air. What was the question again?

  • Kyddryn says:

    Train him to shit on the rude, bitchy neighbor’s lawn.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • stacey k says:

    Oh yea…cause you just would LET the dog out with no leash for a walk pregnant, w/ a foot boot toating your naked baby…..doesn’t everyone walk their dog this way????

    You’re neighbor is a freekin’ idiot!!!!!

    I have a running puppy too…only she’s a bit bigger than 11 lbs….catch up on the dog whisperer….i’ve learned some pretty good tricks on there…and I have what is voted the stupidest dog ever (english bulldog)—-they’re not stupid just extremely stubborn.

  • guilty noodles says:

    There isn’t a leash law on you… take a big, fat pregnant dump on your neighbors front yard.

  • kate says:

    give the dog a pretend pregnant belly, hitch a naked dolly onto his hip, put one (or two? to be fair?) big black booties on his feet. that should slow him down. like you.

  • honeywine says:

    I smell trouble brewing… :(

  • pamajama says:

    Becky, you did so well! You didn’t scream any curses in the street or teach them to your children. I wish you could teach me that trick.

  • Melissa says:

    I know exactly what I want to do to the dog when things like this happen and its legality is questionable. Last time I found myself in this situation, I gave the neighbor lecturing me a two word utterance. First word sounds like “duck”, second like “cough”.

    I only have to live BY them not with them, right? ;)

  • kalakly says:

    I wonder how asshole neighbor would feel about dog shit in the mailbox???? That’s neater right?

  • Fancy says:

    My dog is also a bitch like that, and we also live on a very busy road. Your neighbor sucks big, hairy, sweaty balls. You are to be commended for handling the situation as well as you did. My estrogen takes over sometimes and I make an ass of myself (on a regular basis), and I am not even close to being a pregnant bundle of hormones. Good job.

  • mandy says:

    I can’t believe someone would say that to you. I totally second the dog poo, esp cause you can have your 7 year old do it Halloween. I would totally TP the entire lawn, house, everything. They’ll never know who did it! I suddenly wished I lived there. ;) What else can we think of…hmm

    Leash LAW Becky, pay attention!

  • Amy says:

    If it were me, I probably would have punched that neighbor in the face the 2nd time the leash law was mentioned…I guess I’ve lost my patience being 31 weeks pregnant, being on bed rest, caring for a 2 year old and also sporting a sexy moon boot. What an ass your neighbor is…revenge…you must get revenge…

  • Io says:

    Well, we usually threaten to beat Charlie when he does something wrong and end up cuddling him instead. So I have no advice. But I would start letting him poop on the neighbors lawn – while wearing a leash of course.

  • excavator says:

    I have a worse fate in mind for the neighbor.

    Maybe git them both at once; the dog, then the neighbor.

    Evil fantasies make me smile.

  • Painted Maypole says:

    so much for the nice neighbor, huh?

  • tash says:

    No my dear, the question is what to do with the neighbor.

    And really hon, all children should be on leashes when you leave the house. Have you no shame?

  • jerseygirl89 says:

    Do you live on my street? Because I too have a neighbor who is retarded and clearly belongs in supervised housing.

  • g says:

    I misread that and thought you said mostly naked CPW….

  • Shay says:

    Well obviously that is totally the right response. If I say naked child/ heavily preggo neighbour I would of course inform her of said “leash law”. I mean what would make more sense?! Not actually exiting your house and HELPING TO CATCH STUPID DOG! That would be crazy!

    We bough one of those electronic fences and a zapper collar cuz I was you too many times minus the preggo belly and ankle boots.
    Thank goodness my neighbours weren’t home!

  • Maria says:

    I’d dump a shitty diaper on the neighbor’s lawn. Just sayin.

  • trish says:

    I assume “tentatively liked” has turned to “definitely dislike”?

    By the way, SO FUNNY.

  • baseballmom says:

    I kinda like the mischief night suggestion…what a fucking asshole neighbor. We, too, have a dog who loves to escape and will not come. He comes back when he feels like it, and if we chase him, he goes further away than he would have in the beginning, so we just let him come back. It only happens about once every six months, and he’s getting old, so not so much, but we were on the way to T’s band concert last year, and he got out. T chased him, and as he finally got him and led him up the hill, some new neighbor guy, who sent his GRANDMA TO THE NURSING HOME SO HE COULD HAVE HER HOUSE, started screaming at T about how he was sick of fucking dogs shitting in his fucking yard, etc. He didn’t see me outside witnessing it, but I yelled down the street (trailer trash-like), “Excuse me, but could you please quit cussing at my kid?!” He yelled back that I should keep my fucking dog in my own fucking yard and then he’d quit. I was so pissed, not only because we were late to the concert, but we’d lived here 10 years and he had lived here maybe a month…asshole. I even went to the door, hoping that the grandma still lived there so I could tell her about it. Some trailer lady answered the door and told me to get off her property because my problem wasn’t with HER. I said I would go ahead and call the cops then, and left. Urrrhhh, it’s so frustrating!

  • Amanda says:

    I think your neighbor and my neighbor should have to duke it out on an island somewhere. The winner gets to leave.

    Seriously. I hate people like that. Because you really want to be terrified that your dog is going to be hurt. Everyone likes that crap. Every time I take the Dixie Dog for a walk, I make sure that she craps on that neighbor’s lawn. I’m very mature and classy like that.

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  • me says:

    Wow…some real asshole here. Why do you think it’s ok that your dog shits on someone else’s lawn. It is rude that I mow my lawn and run into that crap while you sit it your’s enjoying your Budweiser eating pork rinds.

  • The Notorious BEX
    Twitter: mommywantsvodka
    says:

    My Budweiser eats pork rinds?

  • Lexi says:

    “me” is totally your neighbor, aren’t they…?

    :-)

  • habanerogal says:

    1. take a crap on his lawn yourself
    2. put the neighbour on a leash

  • likemylawn says:

    why does every dipshit dog owner that can’t control their pet think everybody else should be their keeper? tell ya what: nobody put a gun to your stupid head and said ‘get a pet you can’t control’. how about you get rid of the fucking thing if you can’t control it? gonna wait till it bites somebody, or gets run over? stupid bitch.

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  • mrs. seay says:

    wow, like my lawn, youre a real life douche bag!!

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