I made a big fuss a couple of months ago after I started getting lumped in with the Mothers Who Drink about how I am not an alcoholic. It’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever written so if you haven’t read it, you should.

Anyway, it wasn’t a joke. I’m not an alcoholic.

I’ve always been fearful of becoming a pill-popper, though, so when I got a standing prescription for Vicodin for my anniversary (from a real doctor! Not, like The Internet!) for my my grains I was a little afraid I’d pass out in a pool of my own drool after having a little too much medicated fun.

I haven’t.

Turns out, I’m not a pill-popper either.

I’m not a smoker, I don’t drink coffee, I don’t hoard cats, kids, dogs or Precious Moments figurines (shudder, shudder).

But I am an addict. I know that now.

(don’t worry, I’m not rehashing a boring plot of a show because that’s nearly as dull as a dream sequence and I don’t do that either. Bear with me now.)

I watched an episode of House, MD where the lead character looks frantically for something to replace his Vicodin habit with and he ultimately decides on cooking. He spends all day and night making spaghetti sauce, eschewing sleep to make the sauce until he perfects it.

I watched that scene, my mouth agape (likely a thin filament of drool hanging merrily down) tears coursing down my cheeks with my hands around my Orchid’s for Dummies book, after I put down my iPhone where I’d been looking up the precise humidity level my particular species of orchid likes and spec-ing out the dimensions for a light box so that during the semi-dark Midwestern winters, my flowers get the exact precise amount of light they’ll need.

I slowly swiveled my head, my eyes as wide as saucers to The Daver who looked back at me and I said crying, choking a little, “Oh my God, I didn’t know, why didn’t you tell me?”

He looked back at me, slightly bemused and said, “Baby, I thought you knew.”

No, no I didn’t know.

In hindsight, though, it all makes sense.

I get asked a lot, sometimes kindly, sometimes in awe, sometimes in a oh-my-god-you’re-an-asshole sort of way, how I can write in my blog most days of the week and well, now you have your answer, my friends: that’s how. I’m an addict. I’m compulsive.

And I’ve channeled any of the energy I might have put into less wholesome activities and put it somewhere wholesome. Creating instead of destroying.

It gives me a sense of accomplishment to come here and peck out an entry for you that writing an essay for myself wouldn’t give me. You give me feedback that the blank Open Office document won’t and I can interact with you and it’s a hell of a lot more satisfying than washing the floor.

Maybe I need to get addicted to housework. I’d get laid more.

Comments

comments

198 thoughts on “They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab But I Said No, No, No

  1. Aunt Becky,

    If you get treatment and stop blogging I will use my reading time to go back to running my hands compulsively over the cheap velour sofa cushions from Ikea so I can locate and pull out the little feathers that stick out of the cover. And then I will never get laid. Won’t you please think of the children?

      1. Do you also stop the DVD in the middle of a great movie and crawl under the couch to get the cushion that’s there because you can no longer stand the idea that there might be feathers sticking out? A&E has Intervention and Hoarders. I think it’s time for Pillow Pluckers…

  2. –>My MIL was in town for my husband’s birthday. He said he wanted some sort of fancy dessert. I just looked at him in bewilderment and said, ask *Your Mom*. Then they both looked at me with mouths open and I said,
    “I don’t bake; I blog.”

    We are what we are and we do what we want!
    ~deb

    http://www.websavymom.com

  3. I still can’t believe what a fuss was made over that article. Doesn’t anyone have a sense of humor anymore?

    I love your blogging habit. It makes me smile. And laugh. Sometimes AT you, but mostly WITH you.

    1. @notesfromthegrove Pretty sure most people laugh at me and that? Is okay šŸ™‚

      And that whole mess with getting dragged into the Mother’s Who Drink bullshit because my blog is named Mommy Wants Vodka is really fucking stupid. I don’t even fucking drink. WAY to fucking read my blog, reporters.

      Oh well, any press is good press. I like new readers and no one outRIGHT attacked me.

      OH WAIT.

      YEAH THEY DID. Never mind. Anyway.

      1. My blog draws fire like a fire draws moths (and yet, I have no moths.) I just have to remind myself that I don’t care what stupid people think of me, and then I go laugh at a Monty Python or Edward Current video.

    1. @Tara – Not to totally butt in, but I have OCD which is basically compulsive worrying, plus acting weird as hell sometimes. (“Quirky” I like to call it.) Whether it’s that or something else, worrying is exhausting and ultimately pointless. Get thee a blog or hobby, stat. šŸ™‚

  4. Wait…you got a STANDING PRESCRIPTION? What was your doctor’s name again?

    Aaaaannnd…cue the think of the children hand-wringing by concerned bystanders now.

    P.S. Orchids are a lovely addiction. I adore them, but mine all commit suicide. Or perhaps it’s my less than tender ministrations that kill them off. Oh. Sorry. that was probably painful for you to read.

      1. My fish commited suicide by jumping down the drain when I was cleaning the tank. Then the next fish committed suicide by bashing his own head against the little bridge. Hmmm…maybe I shouldn’t get fish anymore.

  5. You know, your orchid fetish really *is* cheaper than rehab – in fact with the money you saved you could probably *buy* someone to clean your house. And have to go a couple of times to make it stick – well you could buy yourself someone to watch the kids all day allowing you to work out and write AND take a really cool trip! šŸ™‚

    Not that I would know of course.

    1. @Amanda Oh, I could buy a ton of awesome shit with the money I saved by not going to rehab. Instead, I’ll just feel satisfied and relieved. Maybe I’ll buy an orchid this weekend to celebrate.

      And cry a little.

  6. OMG.

    “Maybe I need to get addicted to housework. Iā€™d get laid more.”

    If you ~ever~ figure that one out … how to addict yourself to being The Slave Of Chaos … I ~beg~ you, let me know.

    Cheers.

  7. I’m pretty addicted to the internet. I do it while the kids sleep. I love to blog, though I’m not nearly as interesting as you are. You may only have thirty people following your blog (more like 400), I think I might have three people, the kind of three you can count on one hand. But oh well….at least I’m having fun.

    Today is my BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

      1. You are way too kind to say something good about my blog. Thanks. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I am seriously smiling so big right now. Happy Birthday To Me, Aunt Becky said my blog is ‘great’!

  8. Don’t get addicted to housework. All you end up with is dishpan hands.

    Besides, if you stopped blogging, how would I get my daily dose of humor? Huh? Answer me that, orchid lady! šŸ˜›

    xoxo

  9. House, MD, IS your tv hubby, isn’t he? You two were clearly meant to be… something.

    It’s a LIE, a horrid LIE started & perpetuated by the Generally Full of The Awesome In Other Realms Husbands Association that you will get more sex if you obsess over the housework. Do NOT believe it.

    1. @Sarah I heard this morning on television that people who do more housework have more sex. So, you know.

      But yeah, it’s totally bullshit. I do all the housework around here and well, Daver’s not home much.

      1. Ah yes! The wisdom of the morning shows. LOL! That’s at least 90% of my problem as well… I suppose doing more housework MAY get me laid more often, but I don’t know who by, and my husband, who is home MAYBE one night a week on average, would probably be PISSED. And not in a semi-sexy British way, either. šŸ˜‰

      2. Dude. If only we were close enough to be each other’s extra-wife-on-the-side gigs. So much in common: husbands that breeze through like autumn leaves, a preference for hard liquor and not actually drinking it, headaches that qualify for narcotic support… You and me and House, MD. We could write a song.

  10. I only cook when I want to blog about it. So, really, my 4 kids have learned to forage for acorns outside. Its cute, especially the twins, because they have this whole “squirrel on the fence” act and everything.

  11. You may be addicted to us, but we’re also addicted to you. And I feel it’s a reasonably healthy addiction if you consider the many other options.

    And if all this blogging is so wrong – I don’t want to be right!

  12. Ha! I would probably get laid more if I were addicted to house cleaning too! We all have things we do to the exclusion of others – what we choose helps define us, I think. I am sooooo ok with mine not being housework.

  13. I think it’s cute that your addiction manifests itself in Orchids. I think we’re all addicted to something – some of us more than others, some of us to more destructive things than others…but we’re all addicted to something!

  14. Screw housework! It’s a pain in the ass, and you’re so good at this. Speaking as someone who came from addicts and probably has tendencies of an addict (not to substances other than caffeine), You could be doing much worse. You are great at creating, so keep it up!!!

    1. @Mrs. Spit I lost one orchid–well, it was a tiny sprout-let–to my cat. He ate it. Because he is a big fat jerk. No, he really is. I love him anyway, but he is. To his credit, it was the size of a piece of grass, which is why one shouldn’t order plants from The Internet.

  15. I’m glad your addiction is something that the rest of us can enjoy. šŸ˜€ I want to see pictures of these orchids you keep speaking of, otherwise, I don’t believe.

  16. I’m addicted to nothing, and I have no interesting compulsions. If not for my charming personality, I would be as interesting as watching paint dry.

  17. Oh honey, we’ve known. And we love you anyway. However, had you channeled your compulsive addictions frmo blogging to something else, we’d have to hunt you down.

    Housework gets you laid more? WTF? The Daver needs to have a serious talk with SuperHubby. Who is clearly not paying attention to the rules.

  18. you’re cute.

    my husband jokes that if I stop moving, I fall asleep. I am compulsive about doing something all. the. time. Although, I can’t seem to fit in blogging anymore since becoming a mom. And I miss that.

  19. Girlfriend, I totally feel you. Blogging has noticeably cut down my other vices…I can’t do anything halfway…it’s all or nothing! But our compulsions make us way more interesting than all of those moderate vanilla people.

  20. I count syllables and letters. I hear something, and I have to count the syllables and the letters in words that stand out. I count them out by flexing muscles in my legs, thighs, buttocks, and by clenching my jaw. I alternate left to right on each one. I prefer them all to be in multiples of threes. The only thing I hate about the word apostrophe is that it’s 4 and 14, so I have to do that one three times to make it all right again. It’s my favorite, and I use that one a lot.

      1. SuperHubby has a friend who got involved with this TOTALLY WEIRD woman and her house was loaded with this precious moments crap. On every shelf, every window sill, all dusted and sparkly. It was then I knew we would never ever be friends.

  21. I think orchids can be HOT. You should talk about them like they are, you know, lady parts. Then people will think you are very sexual and that might turn The Daver on.

    I am having a go at being addicted to exercise. If there is a way to get addicted to housework, let me know. I like a clean house so I would be happy, and be high ON CLEANING! Yeah, that sounds rediculous even in caps.

  22. I remember the drinking…I mean, the NOT drinking post. At the time I remember thinking how many idiots there are out there. The title is Mommy Wants Vodka, NOT Mommy Spends Bens Lunch Money So She Can Lay Around in A Pool Of Her Own Vomit While The Kids Burn The House Down.
    Now that I think about it though, that title kinda makes me giggle and I might have been tempted to read that blog as much as I was tempted to read yours.
    Guess the idiots had to run off and find some other people to harrass…but now that you’ve admitted to your Orchid addiction and all…I don’t know, the idiots might be out in full swing again soon.

    1. @Heather I lost the stats program that lead me to that moron’s front door (turns out if you read the comments that bitch hated me personally, PLUS she was a fucking idiot, did you READ the post? Talk about incoherent!) so I don’t know if she’s still whining about me. Probably is.

      She could use a good deep dicking. OH YEAH, I went there.

      1. I didn’t read her post. As I recall you mentioned something about not giving her traffic, and I agreed with that. I don’t really like to encourage mental instability…the bad kind anyway. The good kind I am all up to encouraging.
        In protest I just spiked my coffee with Bailey’s and am toasting you and your Orchids, and am casting a protection spell against psycho (the bad kind) internet trolls, lurkers, witches, and spooks. In case one of those acronym groups decide to get involved.
        Some people need to find an addiction. I mean, hobby.

    1. @kyslp I am sad that I’m no longer addicted to Diet Coke, although I think I’ll find someone to pass the addiction on to. But blogging, probably here to stay. I’ll be an old person still blogging while my kids make fun of me.

  23. Pingback: Black Thumb «
  24. I have an addictive personality too but for me it’s photographs, books and lists. I get obsessed with things. Kent’s always terrified when I say I’ve got a new interest, haha.

  25. I want to be addicted to plants, and the hubby is refusing…maybe I’ll buy a couple while he’s at the hospital working tonight. Because, you know, I need to fill up all the flower pots I’ve been buying…

    And interestingly enough, the hubby has been doing more housework, and I’m STILL getting laid more…figure that one out!

  26. Baby girl, the only time ANYONE gets laid from doing housework is if HE does it and also cleans the bathroom.

    Lightbulb moments, like the one you had watching House, are fun… and sometimes make us feel like idiots. I’m glad you shared yours with us.

  27. ZOMG! I am also addicted to orchids. Intertubes, MommyWantsVodka, I am AA and I have a problem. I cannot CANNOT pass a pretty display of orchids at the supermarket or greenhouse without buying one. And if I go there with the actual premeditated intention of buying *just one*, I will invariably come home with four.

    At current count, I have 18 orchids (in various states of health) and several books about how to cajole them back into life when they decide they don’t love you anymore. Eighteen is too many isn’t it? Aunt Becky, I totally hear you on the compulsion. I have refrained from building a climate-controlled greenhouse, but only because I rent. I confess that I recently rearranged my living room furniture to provide optimal winter light exposure…to the PLANTS! Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, how did I not see it???

    1. @ambivalent academic Dude. I bought 3 orchids today. WHY? Because the greenhouse they come from puts 2 plants in each pot. That means I now have 6 new orchids now. And one? Is having a baby.

      ALSO? Dave is building me a light box for my seedlings.

      I HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU DO TOO.

      I have refrained from counting them because I don’t want to have to tell you how many, but it’s probably around 18. I need more books. Also, a greenhouse. And more light boxes.

      We need a support group. STAT.

      (what’s your favorite kind? I grow the Phalaenopsis mostly)

      1. I luuurrrrrvvvv Phals but where I live is so humid that the leaves won’t dry out (I’m not very careful when watering them) – they always end up getting crown rot. Crap! I had one for about 4 years that was a gift from friend as a going away present. It promptly died upon us reaching our new home. I’m having pretty good luck with Cattleyas but they’re not really my favorite (though the 2x/year blooms are nice). Also my Dendrobium plants are doing really well – though I purchased most of them this year to it remains to be seen if I can get them to flower again. My fav right now is Oncidia – I love the little sprays of tiny flowers…and they seem to like the climate.

        Two plants in one pot!! That’s like free crack! Holy shit – who’s your grower!?!? Do they ship??

        1. So the grower isn’t great. They pack the Phals in all moss so they don’t dry out in the transport which leads to root rot and unhealthy roots. This means I had to immediately come home and replant all the orchids. If all 6 make it, I’ll be surprised because some of the root systems looked a little…sad.

          I have 2 dendrobriums, one of whom looks decent, the other looks…well, the leaves are falling off. I do not live in a humid climate so I’m not sure how happy they are. We’ll see.

          The Daver’s building me grow box for some of my seedlings (I have 2!! nurseries in my area!) and it’s full of the awesome. You should come visit and we can geek out together.

          *squee!*

        2. OMG If I’m ever in the area I will totally come over and check out your new grow box and geek out with you. *hops up and down with excitement like a deranged kangaroo*

          Maybe you shouldn’t worry about your Dendrobium with the falling off leaves. Some of them go through a dormant phase in the winter where they stop growing and drop their old growth. It might be worth figuring out if yours is one of those. If so, don’t fertilize it and water minimally until the spring. If it’s not one with a dormant phase, uh oh.

          I bought my other half a gorgeous Phal (from a florist – idiot!!) as a “congrats on the new job” present. It also came packed in moss and as soon as it was done flowering it shriveled up and died. I was so mad because I didn’t realize that they had packed in moss until it was too late – they topped it with this decorative gravel that looked like it would give plenty or aeration and drainage – they totally fooled me.

          Also, if you ever find yourself in Houston, you should totally visit ME – we also have two greenhouses here and I would love to go visit them with an enabler!

          1. I would be HONORED to go to a greenhouse with a fellow addict. ESPECIALLY if they shipped stuff back home for me, because I’m pretty sure the TSA would separate me from my plants and while I could start an awesome RT campaign, they’d totally toss ’em while I wept.

            I think the Dendrobrium is…well, I don’t know. It has a spot of rot on it, on the side, it’s a Phaleo-type Dendro which aren’t supposed to be deciduous but I’m pretty sure they can drop their leaves too. We’ll see. The stalk looks okay. If I kill it, well, I kill it. So far, I haven’t killed too many, which, considering, is decent.

            *rubs hands together*

            Can’t wait for my light box.

  28. Oh hell, well your blog is forcing me to think unpleasantly of my vacuuming habit. So I don’t like floor dirt! Big deal! Sigh. And yet it alllll makes sense. I have the gene, apparently, but not for rum or codeine-related goodies. At least it’s not just me out there, I know while I’m vacuuming you’re probably fine-tuning an orchid project.

      1. I just shop for the Coaches on ebay or when I’m lucky enough a Coach Outlet…I just bought a new one to make myself feel better on college visit day, and it was a freaking steal….$439 down to $75, I quit crying so much after that, but my daughter made fun of me a little…she doesn’t appreciate my Coach addiction too much.

        1. She prefers more the plastic Hello Kitty variety, or hemppy hippie bags, currently….she is 17. I’ve raised her right, she should grow out of it.

  29. getting addicted to housework is like getting addicted to ham sammiches. sure, it’s good for you, but it’s not very fun. and dish-pan hands are so 1960’s. i’m gonna stick it to The Man and refuse to clean my house. i’m a feminist like that.

  30. I need an addiction. Any suggestions?

    Other than orchids. I can’t even keep a lawn alive, and that takes about zero effort.

    Also, pills, drugs, and alcohol are out, because, well, mind altering chemicals (other than Prozac) would make me REALLY dumb.

    1. @Paul I DON’T KNOW! They didn’t SAY! The nerve of those stupid morning show people and their dumb facts. I do tons of housework and it doesn’t get me laid any more than it did if I did none.

  31. I have similar tendencies, although I wouldn’t call myself an addict. I’d say I’m obsessive. Like when I get home from work and I have to look back through my twitter feed (my latest obsession) to see what went on all day. I can’t just jump in at the current time because GOD FORBID I should miss something. Oh The Horror!

    1. @melnonymous I love Twitter…sometimes. My problem is, I have so many feeds, I see like 0.0000000000001% of the Tweets out there and I know about Tweet Deck and I tried the Groups thing and it made me insane. GAH.

      I like blogging because I am old fart. DAMN KIDS ON MY LAWN.

      1. And you still find time to respond to the majority of your commenters, because you rule The Internet! I love your blog, and your tweets.

        And yes I changed my name, AGAIN. I think I’m going to stick to this one though. That is one of my other hangups, I’m indecisive and neurotic and pretty much insane. Okay that was three. I’m done now. That is all.

  32. Oh crap. Now I’m going to have examine what I do. No doubt I’m addicted to something without having noticed it. Hopefully, it’s something as wholesome as yours.

  33. Just make sure you cover your keyboard before you peck away…you don’t want to be bringing any mini-laptops into the world.

    I for one am happy to support your addiction!

  34. I thought I was the only adult with children that didn’t drink coffee. I’m glad I’m not alone. Do you intake caffiene in other forms? I do not. I’m high on life, dammit!

    1. @Margaret I used to drink coffee until Topamax made it taste like battery acid (by battery acid, I mean that everything tastes soapy now)(blech) and now I rarely drink caffeine at all. Including *sniff, sniff* my diet Cokes.

  35. Were you watching a morning show from 1950? Doing housework ups one’s chances of getting laid? Seriously? “Oooh, baby, the kitchen floor just sparkles. Bend over and call me Mr. Clean.”

  36. Hello lady,

    I found your blog because I Googled “vodka does not go with everything”. I typed this search phrase into Google because I’d mixed vodka and apple juice, and it’s just awful. I can’t figure out why because apple juice is good and vodka is good but together it’s like the devil’s toe jam.

    Anyway, my Google search brought up your blog, and I thought to myself, HAVE to read a blog called Mommy Wants Vodka. And you know what? You’re very funny and a good writer too. I’m bookmarking you.

  37. i don’t do drugs. i don’t drink. i don’t smoke (anymore). i don’t even dance hardly ever. all of this clean living has made me curse like a motherfucking riot AND brush the enamel clean off my teeth every day.

    it is the Jelly Donut Theory of Life (yes, the same one Lula tells Stephanie about in the Stephanie Plum books): you try to keep all this shit in like the filling in a jelly donut, but as soon as some pressure is put on, the jelly starts squeezing out. usually in places you didn’t expect and would rather it didn’t.

  38. Maybe I need to get addicted to housework. Iā€™d get laid more.

    This must be a universal phenomena. It’s something of which I am acutely and desperately aware.

  39. If you really *were* to become obsessed with housekeeping and getting laid by the Daver more, you could end up as one of those women with 14 kids and no makeup, scrubbing and laundering and home-educating from dusk till down, growing your own food, and glaring suspiciously at the postman as a “government agent” when he comes to deliver the bulk order of gingham checked cotton you ordered on eBay last week to outfit your brood in.

    Or you could just stick with the blog. šŸ™‚

  40. Addiction runs in my family, too. I try to channels those urges in productive and healthy ways. Sometimes it backfires like when I keep cleaning the kitchen counter after I cook raw chicken just in case I missed something. Sometimes it works out, like my blog or working out or reading. I think if a person have an awareness about a situation that they don’t want to repeat, that is more than half the battle righ there.

    I guess in other words, keep on doing your thing with the orchids!

    1. @Mommy On The Spot Oh, I absolutely agree. I know the warning signs and can watch for them just like you do. Orchids? Healthy. Cleaning the counter after cooking raw chicken (even obsessively) healthy. Beats rehab!

  41. You should combine your addictions (like mixing uppers and downers!) and blog about orchids sometime (with pictures!). No really; I’d love it if someone would tell me what the fuck to do with the dendrobium some asshole gave me. It’s guilt in a pot with a paper towel at the bottom. I will kill it for sure but it was so PRETTY when it had flowers on it.

    1. @MFA Mama I’ll totally blog about my orchids soon. The Daver is making me a grow box for my seedlings. And one of my orchids is having a baby. TRUE STORY.

      (shamefaced)(I got 6 orchids today at the store)(I NEED HELP)

  42. I too am the child of an alcoholic-actually-two families of alcoholics. I wonder about that stat-that we are four times likely to become addicts. I wonder if in that study they controlled for variables like poverty-education, etc. I say that because-for me and my sibling and -you- I think we have a greater chance of not being addicts.
    I, like you, watch my alcohol intake-pills I take, etc. I am on “dear-god-don’t-let-me-become-a-drooling-addict” watch.I have always known that I am at risk and I mind the monster.
    My husband, k, isn’t from a family of addicts. Nor or his two brothers-and damned if all three of them haven’t ended up in 12 step groups. K, my husband, bawks at drinking everyday-well, he used to.
    OMG I am rambling.
    I am glad that you blog-so, I’ll happily be your enabler.

    1. @Christina I wonder about those stats too. They seem awfully inflated. I worry more about my kids, who haven’t seen the crap that I have. But you know, I can’t spend all day every day worrying, because really? It’s the things you never see coming…

      WOW. I need a nap. Now I am rambling.

  43. I keep thinking I need a vice; I gave up smoking some years ago, and “taking up” drinking doesn’t sound like a very healty approach to life. Neither is “taking up” fried foods, but that’s my approach at the moment. Maybe blogging, but I’m just not that organized. I can’t reliably find time to shower every day; I’m afraid writing wouldn’t make it to the top of the list of “things I plan to accomplish today.”

  44. ::looks around sheepishly and kicks the Precious Moments box behind the chair::: Ummm great post. I wish I could be compulsive about something, anything. I wind up being more meh than woohoo.

  45. I knew that it must be someone pretty damn special that would get Backpacking Dad to carry around a bottle of Vodka all of BlogHer.

    (It’s totally true)

    God, you’re hilarious.

    1. @Loralee Backpacking Dad is my hero and I totally put him up to that. Now, of course, I owe him a backpack full of booze should I go to BlogHer 2010 without him.

      Also? I think I want to marry you now.

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